BM Financial Woes

semi891 · December 2012

Long post, I apologize.

We are having a WP of 2 each. I have my sister, and my closest friend from high school. I asked my friend without hesitation to be a BM, and she was really excited.

(Edited post from original. A little long-winded)

I said from the start we would find cocktail dresses somewhere other than a bridal shop, so they won't cost $200-300. My sister found a dress in a shop that cost $74 that she loved, that was the right color. My sister and my friend are similar in size and both aren't 'dress people' so I thought if my sister liked it, it might be a winner. I texted a picture to my friend to see what she thought. She first said to me "it's not really my style". I told her just to try it on and see. For $74 I would have just bought the dress. She followed up with "I'm overdrawn, I won't be buying anything for several months." Fair enough, we don't need to buy the dresses now, I just thought that was a reasonable price for a dress. I told her we would wait to look until the spring like planned (I'm having a September wedding).

Should I wait until spring when we shop for dresses and see, or should I offer to pay for the dress, or pay half? I feel guilty every time she mentions being broke (which is part of every conversation we have). I feel I will be doing everything I can to make it easy on her. I'm paying for a suite for us to share the night before, and I'm having a hairstylist friend come in to do their hair at no cost to them. I was already planning on buying their shoes (I would like the shoes to match). Even if she wasn't in the WP, she would still have to buy an outfit (she doesn't own any dresses) and probably have to stay a night or two in a hotel. Obviously I would like her to be there.

Jen4948 · December 2012

I think that no matter what you decide to do, this bridesmaid is going to try to give you a guilt trip about any amounts you tell her to spend. No matter how much money she has, she is going to tell you that her budget is zero.

So I think that at this point I'd pick a dress and say to her, "BM, this is the dress I've chosen for the wedding," and just let it go at that. Don't discuss costs with her or offer to pay it yourself if you're not willing to do that. Let her figure out how to pay for it.

misssunshine17 · December 2012

I understand your frustration with her spending, I really do, however it's none of your business. Just ask her what she's comfortable spending on a dress. Maybe she even has something in her closet. Your BMs don't need to match. Especially with only two, shades of a color would be lovely.

msuprincess04 · December 2012

You could easily delete your first 4 paragraphs. What she spends her money on (or chooses to go into debt over) is none of your concern. It's not your money. Period.

Your first mistake was not asking her for a budget BEFORE you started looking at dresses. This pretty much guarentees you'll be set up for disappointment. That needs to be the first thing you do before any other looking at dresses happens. Then, you'll need to work within that budget. If you choose something more expensive, then you need to offer to pay the difference (or the entire dress). If she doesn't like it, then you can say "too bad," or choose another. Frankly, your friend sounds like a whiner who takes advantage of you regularly. I'm not sure why you'd want to be friends with someone like that. But, that's up to you. Good luck.

semi891 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-financial-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b99e7434-e76c-401c-9a9d-015c1daacb85Post:5128b56b-0bc2-44a3-908e-6ea97aad3e9f">Re: BM Financial Woes</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that no matter what you decide to do, this bridesmaid is going to try to give you a guilt trip about any amounts you tell her to spend. No matter how much money she has, she is going to tell you that her budget is zero. So I think that at this point I'd pick a dress and say to her, "BM, this is the dress I've chosen for the wedding," and just let it go at that. Don't discuss costs with her or offer to pay it yourself if you're not willing to do that. Let her figure out how to pay for it.
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

Thanks, that pretty much somes it up.

And fair enough, her spending isn't my business. That's why I've never said anything to her, it's obviously not my place. I just wish she would stop complaining to me about it.

s-aries8990 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-financial-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b99e7434-e76c-401c-9a9d-015c1daacb85Post:3e058ad5-45c5-4207-b03a-3da4cc72cab5">Re: BM Financial Woes</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM Financial Woes : Thanks, that pretty much somes it up. And fair enough, her spending isn't my business. That's why I've never said anything to her, it's obviously not my place. <strong> I just wish she would stop complaining to me about it.</strong>
Posted by semi891[/QUOTE]

Ask her to. When she goes off on a tangent, tell her that you undertstand money problems suck, but you have your own finances to worry about. Then, at a different point in time, preferably when she's excited about a purchase, ask her for her dress budget.

daveANDkristen · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-financial-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b99e7434-e76c-401c-9a9d-015c1daacb85Post:3114194f-8708-4330-ac6f-2b9930b8d9df">Re: BM Financial Woes</a>:
[QUOTE]You could easily delete your first 4 paragraphs. What she spends her money on (or chooses to go into debt over) is none of your concern. It's not your money. Period. Your first mistake was not asking her for a budget BEFORE you started looking at dresses. This pretty much guarentees you'll be set up for disappointment. That needs to be the first thing you do before any other looking at dresses happens. Then, you'll need to work within that budget. If you choose something more expensive, then you need to offer to pay the difference (or the entire dress). If she doesn't like it, then you can say "too bad," or choose another. Frankly, your friend sounds like a whiner who takes advantage of you regularly. I'm not sure why you'd want to be friends with someone like that. But, that's up to you. Good luck.
Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]

I agree that the BM's finances are not the OP's business, and OP said she respects that and has/would never say anything to her friend about her personal spending habits. However, the friend has complained about even the cost of having a cup of coffee with OP, so I don't think the problem here is the price of the dress. It sounds like unfortunately the BM inherited this money and didn't know how to manage it, and is now starting to experience the harsh reality of supporting oneself. She has not learned yet how to manage her needs versus her wants. Just speculating, of course.

Anyway, OP I think it's up to you. If your BM really doesn't like the dress, skip this one and start looking again in the spring. If she likes it but it's just an issue of cost, you can either offer to pay for it or, again, put it off till the spring. I agree with you that constant money complaints don't make for great conversation... that can be very frustrating. If you decide to wait until the spring to resume dress shopping, do ask your BM (and your sister if you haven't already) for a budget. That way, if your friend turns around again and says the budget [she set] it too much, it's kind of her decision whether she wants to remain in the wedding (unless you wanted to offer to pay for it at that time). GL!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2012

Can you just let her buy her own dress with certain specifications (length, color)? I know colors other than black or white might be hard to match, but she can also send you a photo before buying it. And if you have them in the same shoes with the same bouquets, I think think they'll look good together no matter what.

lyndausvi · December 2012

honestly if was a dress a like and it was only $74 I would buy the dress for her. Heck,since there was only 2 BM I would even have picked up my sister's also. We bought all 6 of GM's shirts and pants because we really liked and didn't want to risk not getting the shirts in the future

arco13 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-financial-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b99e7434-e76c-401c-9a9d-015c1daacb85Post:169b0d7c-0bf0-45ab-ac58-c0d6da5ccc7d">Re: BM Financial Woes</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you just let her buy her own dress with certain specifications (length, color)? I know colors other than black or white might be hard to match, but she can also send you a photo before buying it. And if you have them in the same shoes with the same bouquets, I think think they'll look good together no matter what.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I've done. I know that all of my bridesmaids have different budgets and different bodies so I basically just said "please find a blue dress that falls somewhere between knee length and hoochie and a neutral shoe-all I ask is that you send me a picture of it, and I'm happy to go shopping with anyone who wants to!" This way the money/style ball is totally in their court. (And having seen lots of pictures of mismatched shades with matching bouquets, I'm kind of excited!)

So far they all seem to be happy with that, and now I don't have to have any awkward money talks with anyone-their budget stays their business.

semi891 · December 2012

Thanks everyone for your advice. I edited my original post because I didn't want to seem like a long-winded rant on my friend. I thought maybe if I provided the backstory, it would make the situation more clear for people's opinions. I didn't mean to make it about how I feel or what I think about her spending habits.

I wanted plum for bridesmaids dresses, or I thought maybe it would be easier to do a black dress with a plum sash, so it would be easier for them each find their own black dresses. My friend already told me she doesn't have any dresses in her closet, so she will have to buy a dress no matter what. I'm not really opposed to mismatched dresses, I think it can look really nice.

misssunshine17 · December 2012

OP, you sounds really reasonable. Honestly, I've ditched friends that sound similar to yours. I just could handle to complaining and the eventual abuse of my friendship.

Either pay for the $74 dress or I think your idea of black with a sash would be great. If this girl really shops that much, I have a hard time believing she doesn't have a LBD in her closet.

reppunzel · December 2012

I agree with PP -- at a relatively neutral moment (not when she's in a funk about her finances) ask her what her dress budget is. Then if you choose a dress within that budget, she doesn't have grounds to gripe. If you fall in love with something more expensive, then consider making up the difference. If she gives you a ridiculous "budget" (like $5-$10), weeeeell, then you have a different issue on your hands!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-financial-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b99e7434-e76c-401c-9a9d-015c1daacb85Post:41a104d1-820b-473d-9a1e-56fbbfe66426">Re: BM Financial Woes</a>:
[QUOTE]honestly if was a dress a like and it was only $74 I would buy the dress for her. Heck,since there was only 2 BM I would even have picked up my sister's also. We bought all 6 of GM's shirts and pants because we really liked and didn't want to risk not getting the shirts in the future
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I agree, BUT I feel like maybe she just hated the dress and was using it as an excuse... so buying it wouldn't solve the BM's problem, if indeed it's just that she hates the dress.

elizabethriley · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-financial-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b99e7434-e76c-401c-9a9d-015c1daacb85Post:4a709660-2c26-444a-9c3b-bd39e8e7140f">Re: BM Financial Woes</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone for your advice. I edited my original post because I didn't want to seem like a long-winded rant on my friend. I thought maybe if I provided the backstory, it would make the situation more clear for people's opinions. I didn't mean to make it about how I feel or what I think about her spending habits. I wanted plum for bridesmaids dresses, or I thought maybe it would be easier to do a black dress with a plum sash, so it would be easier for them each find their own black dresses. <strong>My friend already told me she doesn't have any dresses in her closet</strong>, so she will have to buy a dress no matter what. I'm not really opposed to mismatched dresses, I think it can look really nice.
Posted by semi891[/QUOTE]

<div>I may be reading into it too much, but the fact that she doesn't own a single dress stuck out to me. Is she uncomfortable wearing dresses? Maybe she would be more comfortable wearing a skirt or dress pants and a nice top in your color instead.</div>

semi891 · December 2012

She told me she has a couple sundresses, just nothing wedding-y. I had asked if she had some sort of black cocktail dress, which she said she doesn't. At the very start, she was sending me pictures of the dresses she liked, I just don't think she realized then that it was her responsiblity to pay for her own dress.

Jen4948 · December 2012

This may be her passive-aggressive way of telling you "No, semi891, I don't want to be in your wedding party even though I told you I do."

daveANDkristen · December 2012

OP did say they were planning on waiting till the spring but OP's sister found the $74 dress... it's not clear if OP and her sister decided to start looking now, sister jumped the gun herself, or sister just happened upon it.

The latter is actually how I found my BM dresses. I was shopping at Torrid and tried on a super cute black dress and thought - this would actually be an awesome BM dress. Torrid is a plus size store for those that don't know, and as it happens all three of my BMs are plus size so it worked out. They all got a super cute dress that we all loved for $38. Since we just happened upon it and the price was so good, all three decided to purchase it right away, even though we were still 11 months out from the wedding.

If OP's friend just wants more time to get her finances in order, I totally think they should wait till the spring. But I also agree that if OP and her sister love this dress, she should go ahead and get it, and her other BM can pick her own dress in a similar color/length/style when she has the funds to do so.

zantster · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-financial-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b99e7434-e76c-401c-9a9d-015c1daacb85Post:b95a0dc5-f457-410e-8000-102fe8f5528e">BM Financial Woes</a>:
[QUOTE] I feel guilty every time she mentions being broke (which is part of every conversation we have). I feel I will be doing everything I can to make it easy on her. I'm paying for a suite for us to share the night before, and I'm having a hairstylist friend come in to do their hair at no cost to them. I was already planning on buying their shoes (I would like the shoes to match). Even if she wasn't in the WP, she would still have to buy an outfit (she doesn't own any dresses) and probably have to stay a night or two in a hotel. Obviously I would like her to be there.
Posted by semi891[/QUOTE]
I guess I'm more laid back about this whole thing. You are bending over backwards to cover the costs for hair, shoes, accommodations, etc. I for one do not think you should feel guilty at all. I think you should put the ball in the BM's court and let it go. In other words I would tell her that you are so happy she agreed to be in the wedding, this is the dress or dresses you've chosen or alternatively you would like her to choose a dress like (fill in the blank). But you understand that life happens when you least expect it and if anything comes up please let you know by (fill in the date). Then let it go. If she tells you she can't afford it then so be it. She can always be a guest. That's just my opinion. On the other hand it's your money so if it means that much to you to have her in it then do whatever you want. But this whole things sounds too much like you'd almost end up quasi-begging her to be in it by offering to pay for everything in exchange for her participation. If she said she couldn't afford it I would just accept that and move on. But that's just me.

Oh, and by the way, I'm all for helping out BMs. One of mine is married with 3 kids and is a SAHM in TX. But though they don't have a lot of money she and her family are paying for their flight, accommodations, her dress, her shoes, her hair, etc. I did the same as a BM for her. But since times have changed since then, the least I could do is cover the flower girl expenses for her daughter. But she doesn't expect or want me to pay for everything.

semi891 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-financial-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b99e7434-e76c-401c-9a9d-015c1daacb85Post:116750a1-fb06-4685-8280-10286b17738e">Re: BM Financial Woes</a>:
[QUOTE]Why are you ordering NOW for a September 2013 wedding?? They're out money NOW for a dress that will just hang in their closets for almost a year - and in advance of a major holiday, when people are strapped for cash. Ordering this far out is asking for trouble, too. They can gain or lose weight (those holiday pounds, you know), or even get pregnant in the next ten months. Wait until spring to look for dresses.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

We aren't ordering now. My sister had bought a dress as a Christmas party dress and it was the right color. We are waiting for spring.

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