Need Some Knottie Advice

beckerz03 · June 2010

I'll try and make this short and sweet.

We just recently made our decision to change our wedding from the Central California coast in Sept. to a DW in Jamaica in March.

This news kind of startled both of our families and has now thrown us into a tail spin.

We asked our parents if they think they could afford the trip to go (none of our parents are extremely well off). My dad said that he could possibly go and his mom and stepdad said that they would try and make it too.

However, my mom has repeatedly been against this DW. She has no interest what-so-ever in going to Caribbean - not on her bucket list. She's never had a lot of money and so when she heard that me and my FI are spending this much money on our wedding, she's had an opinion saying we should just elope somewhere (like the courthouse) and just have a reception later (exactly what she did). Since she doesn't have a lot of money, I offered to pay at least for her plane ticket, as long as she could cover the resort. Well, this morning she basically told me that she doesn't want to go, but will go out of her way (her words) and attend the wedding. So basically do it out of spite.

I want the wedding in Jamaica. Both FI and I are just extremely excited - truly, this is the first time since our engagement FI has been so excited to marry me.

However, my mom and I have always been extremely close. I have had some extreme lows and she's been the one constant that has always been there. It hurts me that she would say this and act this way. I know this is my day, but I feel like I should change my plans to suit her - FI completely disagrees and says that I need to stick up for myself and go do the wedding of my dreams.

She did say that she would plan the AHR for me.

I just don't know what to do. FI wants to still invite everyone else, but I'm to the point of where I would just rather have it be him and I and the AHR would be for everyone else.

amber.mcguirk · June 2010

Hmm, you sound like your in a simlar postion like me.. with a DW you have to know that people won't be able to make it and you need to me okay with it.. Yes, it does really suck that it's your mom (in my case, its my grandma) But when it comes down to it.. she did say that she will be there.. and she would plan the AHR.

Just keep smiling and I have a feeling that it will work out.

troublejessy · June 2010

I agree with your FI. I think you need to do what you want, otherwise you might regret it! My Mom is behaving the same way and I'm sticking to my guns. We are inviting everyone and hoping for the best. Whether or not we have an AHR will be determined by how many people can make it to the wedding.

I guess it just depends on what you want to do.... do you want to elope? I think if you give people ample notice and time to save money everything will work out.

gabi829 · June 2010

I'm sorry you're feeling pressured to change your plans! Please remember that this is your day, and it will be absolutely beautiful!

Perhaps you should find out why your mother objects so strongly. If it's just a money thing, then see if you can pay her way. If she feels like she is getting sidelined in the planning process, then find ways to make her feel more involved.

Spazdoodles · June 2010

I think you should do what will make you and your FI happiest. If that means in a wedding in Jamaica then so be it. It's your wedding. I think if you tailor your whole wedding to what your mother wants down the road you'll really regret it. And I don't think anyone wants to regret anything about their wedding. I think if you stick to your guns your mother will eventually come around and probably even enjoy herself in Jamaica! Good luck hun *hugs*

beckerz03 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_need-knottie-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Theme%20BoardsForum:54Discussion:95a6a051-4766-4dea-a0f8-3a2450691340Post:41f38bf0-493a-4213-a263-a03f85c9c258">Re: Need Some Knottie Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry you're feeling pressured to change your plans! Please remember that this is your day, and it will be absolutely beautiful! Perhaps you should find out why your mother objects so strongly. If it's just a money thing, then see if you can pay her way. If she feels like she is getting sidelined in the planning process, then find ways to make her feel more involved.
Posted by gabi829[/QUOTE]

I have tried to offer that and she is a very proud woman and doesn't want to ask for help like that.

Thanks for all the support. I hope she will come around and enjoy her time in Jamaica...if she decides to go.

natalie0131 · June 2010

Sorry you are going through this. My mom has been super supportive this whole time and then suddenly a couple weeks ago when we thought we wouldn't be able to get legally married in mexico (another long story) she totally flipped gears and went so far as to say that maybe we shouldn;t get married in mexico at all. It's rough. Eventually she came around is back on board for being excited about it. I think sometimes moms have an idea of what their daughters weddings should look like and sometimes that varies greatly from what their daughters see as their wedding day. especially in my case. my mom likes traditional stuff; i like my own spin on all the traditional stuff. so it's been a -process, but so far fi and i always do things our way. just hang in there, do what is going to make you happy to remember, and in the words of Jamaican bob marley, "everything little thing is gonna be alright."

drm6285 · June 2010

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. But I think you should def stick to your guns and do what you want, otherwise you will prob end up miserable trying to plan a wedding that would only make your mother happy. After talking to our families 2yr ago about our decision to do a DW, my twin backed out last month because she wasn't on board with the whole DW thing and is acting like a super jealous crazy person. It's fine though, because in the end, FI and I will be just as happy having everyone else there to celebrate with us. Good luck!

chosen175 · June 2010

It sounds to me like NOTHING will please your mom except the JOP wedding she told you to do, just like the one she had. So even if you planned a wedding at home, chances are THAT wouldn't make her happy either. So if the wedding at home will make you, your FI, and your mom unhappy, I say do the DW - at least you and your FI will be happy, even if your mom isn't.

I mean, really, an at-home wedding will cost at least double what the DW is costing you so she'll still be arguing with you about money.

My mom is also a very proud woman and wouldn't DREAM of taking a handout. But she is going through chemo treatments, and has missed a lot of work, and I know money is tight. I'm not even going to ask her if she wants us to pay for her to attend because I know she'll say no. I'm just going to buy the ticket and tell her she's going, because I can't imagine the most important day of my life without her there. Once the ticket is bought, she might pout for a day or so, but I know deep down she will be happy and relieved, and excited to go.

I'm sorry your mom isn't more supportive. Hopefully she'll come around. And if not, you always have us!

Beth0413 · June 2010

I don't have any advice besides what the other girls have already said. Just wanted to say i'm sorry you're going thru this Hang in there & hopefully she'll come around! Just make sure you do what you & FI want to do, it's your day!

KristenCR · June 2010

I'm so sorry your mom is acting like this, maybe, since you guys are close, she'll get more into it as the planning goes on. I know my mom feels guilty about the lack of activities she's doing, with my sister's traditional wedding there was tastings, site visits, planning meetings, favors, invitations, etc to work on and it made it very festive, and when I went to see her last weekend she wanted to make sure I knew how excited she was about the wedding, and that she felt like she should be doing more.

If she decides not to go my only advice is to get her to state the reason she won't go, if she has to say out loud that she won't go because you aren't doing the wedding she wants, it might make her realize that maybe she should be a little more supportive.
I hope I didn't overstep any bounds, I hope everything works out and she ends up being a happy participant in your dream wedding

beckerz03 · June 2010

thank you all so very much. you don't know how much your words help.

i love the dw knotties. you girls rock!!

mishy112 · June 2010

Ditto PP's.

Think about 10 years down the road and how you want to look back on your wedding. Imagine looking back at each of the different scenarios. Which one feels the best to you?

Your mom got to have her turn at planning her own wedding, now it's your turn to plan YOUR & FI's wedding. Good luck!

Orchid2011 · June 2010

IMO I think everyone planning a DW will go through something like this whether is with your parents or inlaws. just rememeber that it's yours and your FI's wedding and you should do whatever makes you happy. At the end of it all the only ones who matter is you and him. I understand you and your mother are close but she should be more understanding and want whats best for you. Good Luck, I hope she comes around

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