this is the code for the render ad
Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Military Brides
Military Brides
New Discussion

Friendship/BM Advice Please

amh04amh04
1000 Comments
in Military Brides

So after some thought over the weekend, and a good long discussion with FI about it. I wanted to see what you ladies thought about something. You girls tend to kind of keep me grounded on certain things. So I would love some input.

Little back story - My 2nd BM, Jenni, has been super flaky since September (I asked her to be my BM in August). When I made the trip up to VB in September, we went BM dress shopping - and you could tell she just didn't want anything to do with it or be there. She'd been given be the yes-no fiasco for a while since, and I just was over it. Our friendship pretty much went down the drain fast. So - she gave me her official answer on not being here for the wedding.

Now - when I moved down to FL last year, I made friends with a few girls here. One was the first person to really befriend me and we've been pretty good friends since before FI and I got engaged. She's offered to help out with some DIY projects I have to do and what not. We meet for coffee like we normally do and she asked how things were with the wedding and I told her about Jenni and how I was trying to figure out how to politely tell her I thought her excuse was BS. So after talking some more my FL friend offered/asked to be a BM. She was talking about how she felt bad that I didn't have anyone here, and that she wishes she could help and so forth. I kind of danced around giving a direct answer and just thanked her for offering. I received a text later on that night, saying that if I did want her in the wedding she would be honored.

Thing is - if I had known what I know now, back in August I would of asked her to be in the wedding, hands down. She's been a great friend. But I don't want her to feel like she came 2nd. And then.. I just don't know if it's something I should even do. FI thinks I should. My mom thinks I should. But... I just don't know. I would feel really bad about her 'replacing someone' and etiquettely it isn't right. I just don't know...

So... some advice would be appreciated. I want to do the right thing. I've lost one friendship (although looking back now, I'm not sure how much of a friendship it really was) and I really don't want to lose another friendship.

Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
Report Reply to Post

Re: Friendship/BM Advice Please

  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    So did the first friend say she didn't want to be in the wedding any longer?

    I dont see a problem in asking this other girl to be in your wedding. I met a friend after I was engaged with bridesmaids. We became super close and I asked her to be in the wedding. It was later than everyone else but didn't matter because she was a true friend.
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • amh04amh04
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_friendshipbm-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:cb2b5279-052e-4ab3-9b4f-15133d24fe1fPost:1db2b8fe-7021-44c3-80ad-f9ef543a5549">Re: Friendship/BM Advice Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]So did the first friend say she didn't want to be in the wedding any longer? I dont see a problem in asking this other girl to be in your wedding. I met a friend after I was engaged with bridesmaids. We became super close and I asked her to be in the wedding. It was later than everyone else but didn't matter because she was a true friend.
    Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

    Yeah - she said she didn't want to be there, and couldn't make it anyways. She's been extremely wishy washy since Sept and whenever she does respond to my texts - even if they are a 'Hey, how are you?", she won't send me anything back for days and then its like at midnight. It's just been made clearly obvious that shes avoiding me.
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
    Report Reply
  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    Well, if she chose not to be in the wedding, I don't see a problem with adding a bridesmaid. Like I said, I added one late and I'm really glad I did.
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    I feel like once you ask your BMs, that's it.  If they drop out, then oh well.  But adding more just makes it seem like second-best, and your friend who DID drop out will feel like she was replaced (no point in confronting her - the friendship will work itself out or it won't, and it sounds like it probably won't, but confronting her on her reason doesn't matter in the scheme of things).

    I'd just keep it how things are.  I'd tell her you're thrilled she'd want to be a bridesmaid, and honestly you'd love it if she were, but it might make the other girl feel like she was replaced.  Tell her you want her involved in all the fun stuff as much as she wants to be, but that she doesn't have to buy a special dress or anything.  Remind her that you value her friendship and you're SO GLAD she's coming to your wedding and excited for you.

    image

    Anniversary

    Report Reply
  • amh04amh04
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_friendshipbm-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:cb2b5279-052e-4ab3-9b4f-15133d24fe1fPost:1a8af986-4d1b-431c-be65-2b437020aaf1">Re: Friendship/BM Advice Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, if she chose not to be in the wedding, I don't see a problem with adding a bridesmaid. Like I said, I added one late and I'm really glad I did.
    Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

    Thanks Hike, I really appreciate it.
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
    Report Reply
  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    But see, if you meet them later, then I don't think it's second best.

    I met my one BM after I already asked the others. She said yes and it was no big. I'm glad she was able to spend that day with me.
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • BinxRoseBinxRose member
    500 Comments
    Honestly, I know it's bad etiquette to ask someone else way after everyone else, but I did it too. If you feel you are really close with her and would like her by you on your wedding day, then ask her.

    As for your other "friend," if I were you, I wouldn't be making any effort to stay "friends" anymore.
    image
    Report Reply
  • amh04amh04
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_friendshipbm-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:cb2b5279-052e-4ab3-9b4f-15133d24fe1fPost:e3b92fa9-3475-432a-8361-4556422063b1">Re: Friendship/BM Advice Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly, I know it's bad etiquette to ask someone else way after everyone else, but I did it too. If you feel you are really close with her and would like her by you on your wedding day, then ask her.<strong> As for your other "friend," if I were you, I wouldn't be making any effort to stay "friends" anymore.
    </strong>Posted by BinxRose[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, I'm definitely not making any effort on that at all. Honestly, it's pretty much a lost cause.

    What it really boils down to - is had I known we would of become closer/better friends I would of asked her back in August. It really isn't about the numbers. I truthfully regret asking the first one to be in the wedding, she's been pretty crappy since and is obviously not much of a friend at all. Where as, since October really, the other girl and I have become really good friends... I get how it can look bad, and frankly I could care less how the old BM feels. She's not been much of a friend for months.
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
    Report Reply
  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    Here's the thing though.

    You didn't kick somsone out and replace them. Someone said they didn't want to be a BM and you moved on. Then you became friends with someone and asked them. No big.
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • amh04amh04
    1000 Comments
    Good Point. I guess FI was right in saying I was putting way too much thought into it.
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
    Report Reply
  • melbelle24melbelle24 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    I agree with Hike. Maybe it's not officially "proper etiquette", but I think your heart is in the right place. You aren't doing it to replace a BM, you're doing it because you now have a friend that you want to share in your day with you. I'm sorry you went through all that crap with your old friend though!
    image
    Report Reply
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_friendshipbm-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:cb2b5279-052e-4ab3-9b4f-15133d24fe1fPost:056b1f5c-064c-4a3e-a4b4-c7a2b8552dba">Re: Friendship/BM Advice Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with Hike. Maybe it's not officially "proper etiquette", but I think your heart is in the right place. You aren't doing it to replace a BM, you're doing it because you now have a friend that you want to share in your day with you. I'm sorry you went through all that crap with your old friend though!
    Posted by melbelle24[/QUOTE]

    This makes a lot of sense.  At the end of the day, it only matters to you and your friends.  If your other bridesmaids are cool with it, then do what feels right.

    image

    Anniversary

    Report Reply
  • amh04amh04
    1000 Comments
    Thanks everyone, you girls are too awesome.
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
    Report Reply
  • zacharyandhannah11zacharyandhannah11
    First Comment
    edited January 2012
    Definitely think you should ask her if you want her in the wedding. Regardless if your ex friend is no longer a BM, you can still ask because you don't really pick when you meet someone and become friends with them. Ya know? It's not like you're just asking this new friend to take your ex friend's place to make the line up even. Or whatever. It's just coincidental.

    Goodluck!
    Report Reply
  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    yeah, the TK party line is not to do it, but only you know your friends and know how they would feel about it. For example, when my MOH couldn't come to my wedding, she told me to ask someone else (FTR I didn't, but it was such short notice and all). When I told my other BFF about her not being able to come, she immediately said she would stand with me if needed and would absolutely love to if that was decided. We had also been friends since we were 13 and the only reason she wasn't in the wedding is because I was keeping it small (sister and best friend only). But I know if I did decide to do it, she would not have been offended at all. 
    image
    Report Reply
  • firemedicrrfiremedicrr
    500 Comments
    I'm a little late to the party, but I agree with Hike. At the end of the day, I think it's about who you want to spend the day with you. If she's a close friend now, and your other bm flaked, I don't see what's wrong with asking her. :)
    wedding1 Anniversary
    Report Reply
  • crownsuperstarcrownsuperstar member
    1000 Comments
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_friendshipbm-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:cb2b5279-052e-4ab3-9b4f-15133d24fe1fPost:056b1f5c-064c-4a3e-a4b4-c7a2b8552dba">Re: Friendship/BM Advice Please</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with Hike. Maybe it's not officially "proper etiquette", but I think your heart is in the right place. You aren't doing it to replace a BM, you're doing it because you now have a friend that you want to share in your day with you. I'm sorry you went through all that crap with your old friend though!
    Posted by melbelle24[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I agree with this.  That totally sucks that she is being like that.  For the record though we had to have a guy step in because one of the groomsmen could not be at the wedding due to something going on where he was stationed and it was a total last minute thing that happened.  There was no hard feelings on anyone's part.

    </div>
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards