My cousin may not come to my wedding because it's "too close" to her one year anniversary.

RandiWarhol · April 2012

I just talked to my aunt a few days ago: She said, "We just got your save the date, and don't be angry if your cousin, Jamie, will not be at your wedding because it's the day before her one year anniversary, and she might want to vacation."

I was livid.

My cousin was married last year, and I went to her wedding- during a hurricane, and I was put out for a few days.

I've been to EVERY milestone my younger cousin had. First Communion, birthdays (even one birthday party was on MY birthday- and I still attended), bridal shower, engagement party, dance recitals....

The fact that my aunt said that I "should have checked with my cousin to see if my wedding date would interfere with her one year anniversary" put me over the top. To add to that, my aunt also mentioned that if the tables were turned, I would go away and miss my cousin's wedding- NEVER! I traveled in a dangerous hurricane just to see her get married. I couldn't imagine ever missing any of my cousin's weddings.

Unbelievable. My cousin was unaware of when my wedding date was when I set it. I had the date before she did. She got married LAST YEAR, but I still feel like it's all about her: not because my cousin makes it like this, but because her mother, my aunt puts her on a pedestal.

I should also add that I am a black sheep in my family: I have a job in art, and I am more liberal.

I really hate this. I'm trying not to be upset, but I feel like I am really getting slapped in the face. This really hurts.

Bonzo2011 · April 2012

I'm really surprised your aunt would just declare for your cousin that she won't come because of her anniversary. That seems weird to me. But, you can't control who comes and who doesn't. It sounds like you'll be really disappointed if your cousin doesn't come. I get that. Out of my three first cousins, whom I love dearly, only the youngest will be able to come to my wedding. It stinks, but that's how their plans worked out. Honestly, I do think she is being selfish if she truly wants to not come because of her anniversary. Though, I am suspicious if that's her plan or her moms, because of other comments you made. But, I do think you need to take a step back and relax too. You are overreacting here. It's truly not worth the stress to be so livid a out one person not coming.

RandiWarhol · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-cousin-may-not-come-to-my-wedding-because-its-too-close-to-her-one-year-anniversary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:272d7023-c88e-4755-8a1c-7d96033ea0b9Post:9df4947f-73a6-4664-a0c6-132cb014ce02">Re: My cousin may not come to my wedding because it's "too close" to her one year anniversary.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm really surprised your aunt would just declare for your cousin that she won't come because of her anniversary. That seems weird to me. But, you can't control who comes and who doesn't. It sounds like you'll be really disappointed if your cousin doesn't come. I get that. Out of my three first cousins, whom I love dearly, only the youngest will be able to come to my wedding. It stinks, but that's how their plans worked out. Honestly, I do think she is being selfish if she truly wants to not come because of her anniversary. Though, I am suspicious if that's her plan or her moms, because of other comments you made. But, I do think you need to take a step back and relax too. You are overreacting here. It's truly not worth the stress to be so livid a out one person not coming.
Posted by Bonzo2011[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I really upset that my aunt told me that my cousin really hasn't booked her trip, yet. It's like my aunt is telling me that my cousin is trying to decided between going away for her anniversary, or my wedding. My cousin and I have so much history together, it should be a no brainer. I am really hurt.</div><div>
</div><div>It also weighs heavily on me because my family doesn't treat me very well. I live about a little over an hour away from them, and I am there for almost every single event. I have 4 cousins, and I'm there for many of the band concerts, gatherings, etc. They don't show any interest in me at all. I do it out of love, and that is what I want in return.
</div><div>
</div><div>I know I can't tell my cousin what to do, but I can only hope she gets to see me on my wedding day.</div><div>
</div>

Bonzo2011 · April 2012

I do understand where you're coming from. As the oldest of my cousins, I've always tried to be as involved as possible in their lives, though they live in NY and I'm in CA. The oldest has summer school because she couldn't get a required course this semester, and I understand there isn't anything to be done about that. The middle one just doesn't want to come though. He's 17 and going through that phase where family events are stupid and he knows he won't have any fun. That hurt my feelings, but I realized there's really no use dwelling on it. I can't change what he wants to do. I'll love him no matter what though, and in another few years I hope he will feel differently when other events come up. The part of your story that's really bugging me is that your aunt is telling you all this. Have you talked to your cousin yet? I'm really curious what she is actually planning.

Gabrielle76 · April 2012

I'm sorry you're upset. On the plus side, you have no idea weather your cousin is actually planning to come to your wedding or not, all you have is her moms ramblings. Your cousin might be fully planning to attend. Just take a deep breath, and don't worry about who will come. You'll know when you get your RSVP's. Until then, take a deep breath, and enjoy planning!

RandiWarhol · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-cousin-may-not-come-to-my-wedding-because-its-too-close-to-her-one-year-anniversary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:272d7023-c88e-4755-8a1c-7d96033ea0b9Post:dea3dc83-69e5-435f-9be5-0ad233ca389e">Re: My cousin may not come to my wedding because it's "too close" to her one year anniversary.</a>:
[QUOTE]The part of your story that's really bugging me is that your aunt is telling you all this. Have you talked to your cousin yet? I'm really curious what she is actually planning.
Posted by Bonzo2011[/QUOTE]

<div>After my aunt and I talked on the phone (and I admit, I was not nice on the phone when she was glorifying how important my cousin's anniversary is, making my wedding seem insignificant) I texted my aunt for my cousin's phone number. My aunt hasn't responded to me at all. </div><div>
</div><div>I have my cousin's mailing address, and I am going to write her a kind, heartfelt letter. I really do love her.</div><div>
</div><div>BTW: to make things awkward, we will ALL be attending another family's bridal shower in a few weeks! AH!</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for the support, ladies.</div>

ThankfulSnail · April 2012

I get how much it must suck for her to perhaps go away rather than go to her wedding, since you've made such an effort to support her. However, you picked the date that worked best for you, FI, and maybe any VIPs, and there was no way to guarantee that would work for 100% of your guest list. I can imagine how much it hurts, but there's always going to be somebody that can't make it. I hope she can make it happen, but beyond that, I agree with KindaSparkly to respond to any queries about it vaguely that you will miss her if she cannot attend.

ILoveToRobot · April 2012

It seems like you may be making a mountain out of a mole hill. My MOH's anniversary is the same day as FI and I. She joked that we were going to have to move our date and/or go on a honeymoon with them. Fortunately, they're going to wait on their cruise. I'd suggest getting in contact with your cousin and seeing what her plans are. Your FMIL may be over dramatising things. Don't worry or take anyone's word for it unitl you hear from the person in question.

RandiWarhol · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-cousin-may-not-come-to-my-wedding-because-its-too-close-to-her-one-year-anniversary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:272d7023-c88e-4755-8a1c-7d96033ea0b9Post:f7acb47c-3e2c-46a2-bb70-9861b607eead">Re: My cousin may not come to my wedding because it's "too close" to her one year anniversary.</a>:
[QUOTE]You haven't invited your cousin yet, have you?
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I sent her a save the date.</div><div>
</div><div>People may think I'm overreacting, but without going into my personal history, my family truly does mean things to me. It's really personal. I'm not mad at my cousin, I'm mad at my aunt.</div>

Avion22 · April 2012

Okay, I get that you're upset with your aunt. I would be too. It seems like she's just trying to stir things up, and I don't like it when people do that.

But I agree with CGMr on this one....you're upset about something that hasn't even happened yet. She can't decline your invitation because you haven't given her one yet. If you're as close with your cousin as it sounds like you are, maybe strike up a conversation about how you heard that she might be planning a trip for her anniversary, but that it would mean a lot to you for her to be able to make it to your wedding. Then leave it at that.

Chances are your cousin will have a little talk with her mom about what should and should not be shared...

baystateapple · April 2012

Please don't send a letter or contact your cousin. If she WAS already planning on going on vacation for her anniversary (did you ever think she maybe has no choice in when she goes, that this is what works with her work schedule, etc?), she's going to feel even worse if you start telling her how much it upsets you that she won't be attending your wedding. I realize that you're hurt, but really, please be the bigger person in this situation. Several of my cousins declined to come to my wedding for various reasons, some aunts and uncles, too. It's not personal. Things happen. Be happy with the people who CAN attend and try not to focus on the ones who can't.

MrsGandthebeag · April 2012

You're really close with your cousin and you don't have her phone number? That seems very bizarre to me. I think you're totally overreacting. If I were planning an anniversary trip for my one year wedding anniversary and my cousin (who I didn't communicate with over the phone) was getting married, I'd probably still go on my trip. I think this is bs.

mkrupar · April 2012

I'm sorry your faily is mean to you.

I'm sorry your aunt's a douche.

I don't get how you don't have the phone number of a cousin you're close to.

If you're all going to be at the shower chat with her then.

Until then, move on with your planning. There will be plenty of people who won't attend for various reasons, not just your cousin.

SparrowSong · April 2012

No date you select will be convenient for every single guest you'd like to have there. In this case it may (or may not) interfere with plans your cousin has already made. Just send her an invite and let her decide what she wants to do. It's not the end of the world if she can't come, really. Attendance at a wedding is not the ultimate test of loyalty and friendship.

Kristin789 · April 2012

>>It's like my aunt is telling me that my cousin is trying to decided between going away for her anniversary, or my wedding.

Your aunt is telling you that SHE's not that into you and SHE would choose to go away instead of going to your wedding, and that SHE has suggested this to her daughter because the daughter DOES have an excuse to miss your wedding. You should dismiss everything this aunt says because she's just negative and trying to stir up negative drama.

>>My cousin and I have so much history together, it should be a no brainer.

Well, that's for your cousin to decide. You can't EXPECT her to behave in a certain way and you can't DEMAND that because YOU did such-and-such, now she OWES you to come to your wedding. SHE gets to decide what SHE will do, and you really shouldn't be so devastated by any of this. She's a grown woman, making her own free will decisions, and if she decides that she's more INTO a one-year anniv vaca than INTO your wedding, so be it.

>>my family doesn't treat me very well. I live about a little over an hour away from them, and I am there for almost every single event. I have 4 cousins, and I'm there for many of the band concerts, gatherings, etc. They don't show any interest in me at all. I do it out of love, and that is what I want in return.

You can only make decisioins for YOU. You can only control YOU. You can't push yourself into all sorts of family events and then demand their love. Sure, in most families, an extra effort by someone who lives an hour away IS cause for extra love to be given. But not in yours. This is harsh, but you will have to make future decisions on what YOU want to do because YOU want to do it, not because your actions should make them nicer to you or love you more or care more about what you are doing or understand your more-liberal beliefs or anything else - because they are unlikely to budge at all.

Renew2 · April 2012

I'm going to go against the grain here and say you're overreacting. Perhaps your cousin had been venting to her mother that they had been planning a vacation at that time and your wedding is putting a wrench in their plans. Just tell her your cousin will be missed and leave well enough alone. Send your cousin the invite anyway, and if she comes she comes if she doesn't it's really not that big a deal. This is how I feel about things: the important people will be there the other ones won't and that's that.

lyndausvi · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-cousin-may-not-come-to-my-wedding-because-its-too-close-to-her-one-year-anniversary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:272d7023-c88e-4755-8a1c-7d96033ea0b9Post:0e8f1b8f-ab71-42d1-ad42-c391455c38d0">Re: My cousin may not come to my wedding because it's "too close" to her one year anniversary.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to go against the grain here and say you're overreacting. Perhaps your cousin had been venting to her mother that they had been planning a vacation at that time and your wedding is putting a wrench in their plans. Just tell her your cousin will be missed and leave well enough alone. Send your cousin the invite anyway, and if she comes she comes if she doesn't it's really not that big a deal. This is how I feel about things: the important people will be there the other ones won't and that's that.
Posted by Renew2[/QUOTE]

<div>I was actually thinking the same thing. </div><div>
</div><div>Don't get me wrong, I would be really disappointed if it was true. At the same time I can't get myself all worked up over information from a shitt stirring aunt that may or may not be true.</div><div>
</div><div>Send the cousin an invite and let the cards fall where they will.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>** Personally I think a cousin's wedding is more important than my anniversary. But that's just me. I come from a family that has many anniversaries around each other. Including me getting married the day before my parent's 40th. They were planning on a huge trip and instead pushed it back 6 months. NBD.</div><div>
</div><div>Others make anniversaries a huge priority. Meh, different strokes for different folks.</div>

RandiWarhol · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-cousin-may-not-come-to-my-wedding-because-its-too-close-to-her-one-year-anniversary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:272d7023-c88e-4755-8a1c-7d96033ea0b9Post:17477789-f0b2-4f68-9ed4-4089263d6129">Re: My cousin may not come to my wedding because it's "too close" to her one year anniversary.</a>:
[QUOTE]You're really close with your cousin and you don't have her phone number? That seems very bizarre to me.
Posted by MrsGandthebeag[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>She has changed her number since she got married. The day before al of this happened, I had to reset my iPhone, and all of my contacts reset from the last time that I updated my phone.. So, I have some contacts, but not others- hers was one of the ones that was lost.</div>

mdeidre · April 2012

Since you don't even know if you're cousin's going to come or not yet, then, yes I do think you're overreacting. You don't even know if there's anything to react to at this point. I also wondered why you didn't have the phone number of someone you're so close to or why she hadn't contacted you herself to talk about any date conflicts. Seriously, though, her anniversary is just as important to her as your wedding day is to you. Whichever event came first is really no matter, as she will decide what she wants to do based on what works for her, her husband, their work schedules, etc. It may be that they don't have much choice on when they can go because of schedules or maybe he doesn't want to miss having a trip during their anniversary dates or maybe she's actually planning on coming and your aunt is full of hot air. The point is, you don't know anything about anything right now and you're getting ready to fire off a "heartfelt" letter that may end up causing more harm than good. Just talk to her at the shower and let it all go.

RandiWarhol · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-cousin-may-not-come-to-my-wedding-because-its-too-close-to-her-one-year-anniversary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:272d7023-c88e-4755-8a1c-7d96033ea0b9Post:305ff7df-602e-4d6c-b7b5-87ae59324964">Re: My cousin may not come to my wedding because it's "too close" to her one year anniversary.</a>:
[QUOTE]I also wondered why you didn't have the phone number of someone you're so close to or why she hadn't contacted you herself to talk about any date conflicts.
Posted by mdeidre[/QUOTE]

<div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">She has changed her number since she got married. The day before al of this happened, I had to reset my iPhone, and all of my contacts reset from the last time that I updated my phone.. So, I have some contacts, but not others- hers was one of the ones that was lost.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div>

Babseedoodle27 · April 2012

Silly iphones! Don't you miss the days of lugging around a huge address book where you had to write everyone's numbers and information in them?

If your cousin decides not to come to your wedding because it conflicts with her anniversary plans, you can't really fault her for that. I understand that will be upsetting to you, since you are very close to your cousin. I know you want the special people in your life to be there on your wedding day, and as a bride-to-be, part of the initial stress of wedding planning is trying to find a date that can accomodate as many of those special people, besides you, your groom, and close family.

Unfortunately, it seems like there are a lot of factors not addressed yet. Maybe your cousin booked her trip months ago, when it worked out with her schedule and she could get a really good deal at a reasonable price. It seems like from the previous threads you haven't had the chance to talk with your cousin yet.

Until then, don't beat yourself up about it. It's just going to stress you out even more. Go do something for yourself today. Something that makes you happy, whether its a massage, a mani/pedi, or just curling up with a good book. I think every future bride needs more days of relaxation during the days leading up to the wedding than what they actually get.

Do ask yourself, if your worst outcome happens, and she cannot make your wedding, will that damage your relationship with her? Will you no longer include her in your life because she couldn't make it? Based on what you know right now, it seems she won't blow off your wedding because she just doesn't care enough to go. If she ultimately decides not to go because she had made other plans, then all is not lost. She means a lot to you, so maybe make plans for after your wedding/honeymoon and her trip to go out to lunch and catch up on all of the wonderful moments you both had at each of your special events.

pokepoke27 · April 2012

A HS Graduation isn't really the same thing as a wedding, but my very close cousin did not attend mine because a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for him to go to China came up and he chose that instead. I was really happy for him. Sometimes things come up. Have you considered that she's been planning this trip for a really long time? FI and I are not having a honeymoon, so I'd like to go on a killer first year anniversary vacation. I know I'd be pretty bummed if that couldn't happen for some reason.

I understand how this can hurt at first, but I believe you need to just calm down. As PPs have mentioned, you haven't even heard anything from the cousin herself yet. She may decide to push back her vacation a week. You can't really count anyone in or out until the RSVPs come in - and you're well away from that point.

DramaGeek · April 2012

A) You don't know your cousin's plans for sure

and if she chooses to go on vacation instead, that's her prerogative. I get being sad or disappointed, but you sound really, really angry.

saranandy · April 2012

I felt like I should put this out there--as a fellow unappreciated liberal in a family of conservatives (not that the political poles matter terribly, just the contrast between family and myself) and a survivor of child abuse, I'd like to say that, in general, you will save yourself a lot of heartache if you do not go into things in order to get validation or affection. Attending events, keeping in touch, etc--if you are trying to do it so that others will do the same back to you and thereby validate you or help you feel loved, don't. I'm telling you this because I've learned the hard way. If my family doesn't love me for who I am, then they don't, and no amount of doing stuff for them/taking care of everybody/ etc. is going to change it. After 15 years of adulthood, I make time for my family when I can, on my terms. The only thing that trying to hang on them for affection got me was the chance to hear more hurtful, thoughtless words more frequently.

If I'm overstepping, I apologize--I just noticed this theme in the original post, that you did xyz for family in order to be loved--and it struck a chord in me. Look for love from people that are willing to love you unconditionally for who you are, not who they wish you would be (i.e. conservative or whatever). Those people may not be blood relations. Nothing wrong with that. Best of luck to you.

hollyweenOR · April 2012

Sorry you're feeling upset about this. The truth is, there are relationships that will always be lopsided. Or that will feel lopsided to one party, though the other party would not characterize it that way. Dialing back expectations can help a lot, as can stepping back a little bit in terms of involvement. Don't get on any planes during hurricaine season if this is going to put pressure on you, kwim? Go to events that are both meaningful and aren't going to kill your budget or your own calendar. Send thoughtful cards in the other cases.

There will be people who can't come to your wedding for any number of reasons (honestly, none of those reasons are your business unless we're talking about parents or wedding party members or something- and even then- you can ask why but you can't force). But the day will be full, full, full of wonderful experiences, well-wishes from the people who love you who are there, and most of all, the beginning of your marriage. Let that be at the center of your heart and attention.

My cousin may not come to my wedding because it's "too close" to her one year anniversary.

Re: My cousin may not come to my wedding because it's &quot;too close&quot; to her one year anniversary.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

My cousin may not come to my wedding because it's &quot;too close&quot; to her one year anniversary.

Re: My cousin may not come to my wedding because it's &amp;quot;too close&amp;quot; to her one year anniversary.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

My cousin may not come to my wedding because it's "too close" to her one year anniversary.

Re: My cousin may not come to my wedding because it's "too close" to her one year anniversary.