help, I can't be a bridesmaid!

Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid!

• s-aries8990 member

  

  January 2013

  As a BM your only real job is to show up on the day of in the right dress mostly sober and not wreak havoc. BUT, I can see your point. How many BMs are there?  You don't necessarily need to step down, just let the bride know that you won't be able to help with any pre-wedding activities because of your health, and if your health deteriorates you will need to step down.
  
  

   

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• spinkles89 member

  

  January 2013 edited January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-cant-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c550a6d2-efd9-41ea-bc3f-30fa448a44d9Post:114ccdfc-82d1-4299-ae8f-e5ced8e1cb61">Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid!</a>:
  [QUOTE]As a BM your only real job is to show up on the day of in the right dress mostly sober and not wreak havoc. BUT, I can see your point. How many BMs are there?  You don't necessarily need to step down, just let the bride know that you won't be able to help with any pre-wedding activities because of your health, and if your health deteriorates you will need to step down.
  Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>i am one of three, last i knew there were only 2 groomsmen. i am just worried if the pain goes get worse (two tiggers for more pain is loud noises and crowds) the only option i have is to go lay in bed and take sometime that tries to relieve the pain (which depending on the day those pills will knock me out for 4-5 hours).</div>

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2013

  I would sit her down and tell her what you told us. That your headaches have gotten worse and that at times they get so bad that the only thing you can do is to lay down or take meds that knock you out and you would hate to ruin their wedding day or be a burden because you get an extreme migraine during the day.
  
  Tell her soon so that way she can plan accordingly and you can still offer to help out with things like making favors, stuffing invites, etc. so that way you can still bond with her, be part of their big day, but not have to worry about if you need to go lay down between the ceremony & the reception.
  
  Good luck and I hope it all works out for you and that they can figure out what you might be able to do to get better. 

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  January 2013

  I am sorry you are going through some health issues.  I hope things get better.
  
  I don't think you should step down.  I would let the bride to be know your concerns and that if the health issues progress that you may need to step down.
  
  Just know that to be a BM you don't need to do anything but buy the dress and stand by her side for the ceremony and a few pictures.  Once that is done your "job" as a BM is done.  Which means that if the reception begins and you find that you cannot handle it you most certainly can leave.
  

  
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  January 2013

  You have every right to opt out of being a BM, if you feel its in the best interest of your health.  I would simply call her up and say while you are so happy that she picked you to stand up for her.  You don't feel you can commit to all the things you would love to do for her, as a BM.  Say you would love to attend as a guest, but with your health issues, its best that you are not a BM.
  
  That said, I think that you should try to stick it out.  It may mean a lot to her and BIL that you stand up in the wedding.  I would opt out of all BM activities for your health reasons.  Perhaps tell the bride, that you are very happy to be a BM, but because of your headaches and the normal triggers, you may not be as helpful as you would like.  So instead of going dress shopping with the other BMs, just ask the bride to tell you what to order when the dress is picked out.
  
  In terms of the shower, if you got an invite to one, would you normally go?  If the answer is yes, do your best to help with the shower (if you are able - financially and physically).  Or just attend it, there is no rule that you have to throw her a shower.
  
  As for the b-party, I would completely opt out of that, unless they decide to just do a spa day.  Maybe offer the bride a mani/pedi out with you, if she ends up having a bar hopping type b-party.  This again is optional.

  

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• Summer2011Bride member

  

  January 2013

  While you have the right to opt out of being a BM, I would probably re-think it. I am sorry you are dealing with health issues, but it sounds as if you don't necessarily get a migraine every day? In that case, if you still WANT to be a BM, I would jsut communicate to her what you told us. Let her know that because of your health issues, there is a chance you will be too sick and unable to attend the wedding, but there is also a chance you will be fine that day. If she is still OK with you being a BM (and frankly she should be), then you can still plan to be a BM barring any health problems that day.
  
  Don't feel obligated or pressured to attend pre-wedding events or help plan unless you're feeling up to it and want to. She should understand.

  
  
  
  
  

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• spinkles89 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-cant-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c550a6d2-efd9-41ea-bc3f-30fa448a44d9Post:8af5eb79-0683-4097-bab0-a6d0ec7f0d38">Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid!</a>:
  [QUOTE]You have every right to opt out of being a BM, if you feel its in the best interest of your health.  I would simply call her up and say while you are so happy that she picked you to stand up for her.  You don't feel you can commit to all the things you would love to do for her, as a BM.  Say you would love to attend as a guest, but with your health issues, its best that you are not a BM. That said, I think that you should try to stick it out.  It may mean a lot to her and BIL that you stand up in the wedding.  I would opt out of all BM activities for your health reasons.  Perhaps tell the bride, that you are very happy to be a BM, but because of your headaches and the normal triggers, you may not be as helpful as you would like.  So instead of going dress shopping with the other BMs, just ask the bride to tell you what to order when the dress is picked out. In terms of the shower, if you got an invite to one, would you normally go?  If the answer is yes, do your best to help with the shower (if you are able - financially and physically).  Or just attend it, there is no rule that you have to throw her a shower. As for the b-party, I would completely opt out of that, unless they decide to just do a spa day.  Maybe offer the bride a mani/pedi out with you, if she ends up having a bar hopping type b-party.  This again is optional.
  Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>thanks! sad part is they are 5 hours away so even being in a car creates a worse headache. I feel like i am screwed either way. I want to be there 100% for them and be a part of their day but i know on bad days i can barely function!</div>

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• spinkles89 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-cant-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c550a6d2-efd9-41ea-bc3f-30fa448a44d9Post:92a3bb80-cb3c-45ab-9e7b-d30a79439068">Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid!</a>:
  [QUOTE]While you have the right to opt out of being a BM, I would probably re-think it. I am sorry you are dealing with health issues, but it sounds as if you don't necessarily get a migraine every day? In that case, if you still WANT to be a BM, I would jsut communicate to her what you told us. Let her know that because of your health issues, there is a chance you will be too sick and unable to attend the wedding, but there is also a chance you will be fine that day. If she is still OK with you being a BM (and frankly she should be), then you can still plan to be a BM barring any health problems that day. Don't feel obligated or pressured to attend pre-wedding events or help plan unless you're feeling up to it and want to. She should understand.
  Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Thanks, problem is i have a migraine every day...today is 297 days to be exact. i am nervous to even bring up my headaches around them because they act like i am just being a baby about them or what they have done in the past is simply ignore me! i feel torn</div>

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• spinkles89 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-cant-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c550a6d2-efd9-41ea-bc3f-30fa448a44d9Post:94ac8962-08b0-4454-ab3e-0226163e662f">Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid!</a>:
  [QUOTE]I would sit her down and tell her what you told us. That your headaches have gotten worse and that at times they get so bad that the only thing you can do is to lay down or take meds that knock you out and you would hate to ruin their wedding day or be a burden because you get an extreme migraine during the day. Tell her soon so that way she can plan accordingly and you can still offer to help out with things like making favors, stuffing invites, etc. so that way you can still bond with her, be part of their big day, but not have to worry about if you need to go lay down between the ceremony & the reception. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you and that they can figure out what you might be able to do to get better. 
  Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>thank you!!<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /></div>

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• spinkles89 member

  

  January 2013

  thank you everyone for responding! I am taking in what everyone has said and i really appreciate it. Chronic migraine is a hard think to treat. I have been on treatment plans for 10 months and so far i have had no luck with finding anything that has helped. we have strarted a new plan and will reevaluate in in 3 months.

  
  

  I want to be apart of their day, my brother in law was a par of ours. Having their wedding be 5 hours away...i am just trying to get all my thougths together so i can best inform them of whats going on. I think however, they will be upset when i mention to them that i MIGHT have to step down, this is why i am nervous. My husband has even said "this convo won't be pretty and their will be a lot of akward silence" 

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• misshart00 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-cant-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c550a6d2-efd9-41ea-bc3f-30fa448a44d9Post:6b983ca8-8ff6-4af6-a5c9-19360c07b59e">Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid!</a>:
  [QUOTE]thank you everyone for responding! I am taking in what everyone has said and i really appreciate it. Chronic migraine is a hard think to treat. I have been on treatment plans for 10 months and so far i have had no luck with finding anything that has helped. we have strarted a new plan and will reevaluate in in 3 months. I want to be apart of their day, my brother in law was a par of ours. Having their wedding be 5 hours away...i am just trying to get all my thougths together so i can best inform them of whats going on. I think however, they will be upset when i mention to them that i MIGHT have to step down, this is why i am nervous. My husband has even said "this convo won't be pretty and their will be a lot of akward silence" 
  Posted by spinkles89[/QUOTE]
  
  
  
  I agree with everyone else, but I wanted to tell you that I was diagnosed with chronic migraines 4 years ago after a migraine aura/mini stroke. I understand how hard it can be. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I think time has helped he most with me, but I've also tried several medications.

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• spinkles89 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-cant-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c550a6d2-efd9-41ea-bc3f-30fa448a44d9Post:7e26b9a6-ea1d-4771-85b2-d8ffc34f1e3b">Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid!</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid! : I agree with everyone else, but I wanted to tell you that I was diagnosed with chronic migraines 4 years ago after a migraine aura/mini stroke. I understand how hard it can be. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I think time has helped he most with me, but I've also tried several medications.
  Posted by misshart00[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>THANK YOU <a style="background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:12px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;color:#579bc3 !important;" href="http://www.theknot.com/profiles/misshart00/wedding-planner/favorites" target="_blank" class="username_knot">misshart00</a>! </div><div>this is all new to me and you know what i am going through. It just really hurts when your family doesn't believe you. I am sure you got the whole "i get migraines too" as you know these are not basic mirgraines. It huits that i even have to consider making this decision because I know they will be upset...i just want them to be understanding and not get mad at me!</div>

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• misshart00 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-cant-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c550a6d2-efd9-41ea-bc3f-30fa448a44d9Post:1fcbb8d4-45bb-4c86-a0ee-fcd74f893acd">Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid!</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid! : THANK YOU  misshart00 !  this is all new to me and you know what i am going through. It just really hurts when your family doesn't believe you. I am sure you got the whole "i get migraines too" as you know these are not basic mirgraines. It huits that i even have to consider making this decision because I know they will be upset...i just want them to be understanding and not get mad at me!
  Posted by spinkles89[/QUOTE]
  
  
  
  It sounds like yours is worse than mine but if you need any guidance, PM me.

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• spinkles89 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-cant-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c550a6d2-efd9-41ea-bc3f-30fa448a44d9Post:eb432f67-7bc5-4687-b837-d531514ff33f">Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid!</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid! : It sounds like yours is worse than mine but if you need any guidance, PM me.
  Posted by misshart00[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>I will <a id="ctl00_rightContent_ForumRecentUser_rptRecentlyActiveUsers_ctl06_usernameLink" style="background-color:#f3f8e7;border:0px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;color:#4e8abe;" href="http://www.theknot.com/profiles/misshart00/wedding-planner/favorites" target="_blank" title="misshart00">misshart00</a>. I actually just joined this groupb on FB called Chronic Migraine Awareness, i dont know if you are a member but i am getting so much support from them and I love providing advise if I can. I will pm you. I am not usually on this site to often but I am on FB!<div>
  </div><div>
  </div></div>

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• daffydillie member

  

  January 2013

  I also get some pretty heavy duty migraines since my car accident. I have had them for a few years. They are terrible. I get them to the point my vision gets blurry and I get super light sensitive.
  
  I totally get you, if you feel you are going to step down do it sooner vs later. My cousin just stepped down tonight and she was the witness for us at our church for our ceremony. We are 4 months out and are in a bind since now I do not have a witness without asking someone last minute.
  
  However, it will probably strain the relationship. I was in a friend's wedding that was slightly further away. I drove out there the night before and stayed the night and kind of did my own thing until it was time to meet up with the bride and them. My triggers are mostly lights and getting too toasty. Weird but it is what it is.
  
  Good luck with your decision.

  

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• spinkles89 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-cant-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c550a6d2-efd9-41ea-bc3f-30fa448a44d9Post:358ff374-ac2d-46a4-a0e6-8f85ba358d34">Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid!</a>:
  [QUOTE]A migraine is NOT "a headache."  They are two completely different conditions.  I want to slap people who say that to me. You've got chronic migraine, which is more than fifteen days per month.  Please see a neurologist and a pain management specialist if you haven't already. To those above - yes, noise, lights, foods and even smells can be triggers. If she thinks it will cause her difficulty then yes, she should step down.
  Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
  
  <div><a style="background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:12px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;color:#579bc3 !important;" href="http://www.theknot.com/profiles/RetreadBride/wedding-planner/favorites" target="_blank" class="username_knot">RetreadBride</a>, i can always tell when someone talks about migraines...you must be a migrainuer or know someone who is. I would love just to have 15 migraines a month but i am having one everyday. Thanks for understanding where I am coming from...as this process continues I am learning more and more about triggers and what triggers I have. I have a team of 3 neurologists (in different towns) who are all working with me to help me figure this out! </div>

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• spinkles89 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-cant-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c550a6d2-efd9-41ea-bc3f-30fa448a44d9Post:ee511cbc-b30b-4b79-9fe3-70eb507d280a">Re: help, I can't be a bridesmaid!</a>:
  [QUOTE]I also get some pretty heavy duty migraines since my car accident. I have had them for a few years. They are terrible. I get them to the point my vision gets blurry and I get super light sensitive. I totally get you, if you feel you are going to step down do it sooner vs later. My cousin just stepped down tonight and she was the witness for us at our church for our ceremony. We are 4 months out and are in a bind since now I do not have a witness without asking someone last minute. However, it will probably strain the relationship. I was in a friend's wedding that was slightly further away. I drove out there the night before and stayed the night and kind of did my own thing until it was time to meet up with the bride and them. My triggers are mostly lights and getting too toasty. Weird but it is what it is. Good luck with your decision.
  Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>That is why i want to bring this up to them now rather then later. Their wedding is in August and I already have the dress. My alterations appt is in April. I appreicate you saying there will be a strain...i sorta needed to hear that from someone and i understand why there would be. We are not as close as we used to be.</div>

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• spinkles89 member

  

  January 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-cant-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c550a6d2-efd9-41ea-bc3f-30fa448a44d9Post:afd934dc-e6aa-4dda-a5aa-01a14a4b5b8e">Re:help, I can't be a bridesmaid!</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re:help, I can't be a bridesmaid!: No one is saying she should just get over it, or suffer through it. We're simply saying that if it is far enough out, agreeing with a caveat is totally acceptable. And I'm pretty sure we're all coming from the stance that as a bride, WE would want the chance to do anything we could to help her comfortably be in the wedding party. If this were my BM, I would be fine with her skipping Prewedding events if needed and even skipping the rehearsal and reception if she wasnt feeling up to it on the wedding day. That being said, now that I've read their attitude towards your migraines, I think I would honestly just decline. I wouldn't want to stand for someone who treated me that way even if the migraines aren't as much of an issue at the time of the wedding. OP, I haven't suffered chronic migraines, but I do get accute ones on occassion, though much less frequently than I used to, so I know how debilitating they can be. I also know how awful it is to have someone else downplay ANY major health issue. It sucks, but it makes them the idiots, not you. Hang in there! Hopefully, you'll be able to find a treatment plan that helps control it, but if your doctor isn't being aggressive about finding an issue, I'd find a new doctor.
  Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>thanks <a style="background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:12px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;color:#579bc3 !important;" href="http://www.theknot.com/profiles/StageManager14/wedding-planner/favorites" target="_blank" class="username_knot">StageManager14</a>!  even though the wedding is 7 months away, I am just worried that my 3 month treatment plans- that nothing will work. I am happy they asked me to be apart of their day but if it was me and the roles were reversed...I would have told her "i want you to be in the wedding BUT i can understand if you cant commit" but we are  ifferent people.</div><div>
  </div><div>I do love to hear people acknowledge how disabling migraines can be. I hate to here you say you know what its like to have someone downplay health issues. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif" border="0" alt="Frown" title="Frown" /> It really does suck when people don't believe you. To be honest, i have 2 neuros in my hometown, one at a major University. It wasn't until I told people "I am going to Mayo Clinic" and they started to think 'maybe something is wrong with her'...its sad honestly. Through this past year I have lost friends because of this condition, they don't understand what i am going through and they don't try. I have even lost family relationships based on not understand.
  
  </div>

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• Amsdragonfly member

  

  January 2013

  OP, it sounds like you have migraines like my mom. She can not function if one comes on (the auras, nausea, etc.). Sometimes if she knows one is coming before it actually hits her she can take one of two things (not sure if you have tried them yet). Maybe ask your doctor about it there is Relpax and then there is Immitrex. The Immitrex is the only one that can knock them out and the Relpax is the only thing she has found that can dull them. All I can say is that I hope you get through this okay and that you should know that there is help out there for people like you! Good luck with everything.

  

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• negirls009 member

  

  January 2013

  http://www.lucybridaldress.com/mori-lee-wedding-dresses-style-1912_p2786.html

  
  

  Just be yourself!

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