NOT changing my name... advice?

acw016 · September 2010

I'm getting a little annoyed by everyone assuming I'm changing my last name. I guess the feminist in me wonders why no one aks HIM why he's not changing HIS last name..!! I know it's tradition but why does the man's last name always take precedence?? How have other non-name-changers responded to the shocked reactions of other women?? I just need to figure out a concise but polite way to respond..

twilight.rose · September 2010

I did change my name, so I don't have any specific advice on that front.

However, I would just treat this as any other uncomfortable topic of conversation. Either change the subject (ie. "By the way, how has Bob been?" "What a lovely blouse!"), or be blunt and say "I'd prefer not to discuss this topic" and move on.

mica178 · September 2010

I have your problem in reverse. A lot of my family/friends/coworkers don't understand why I'd change my name since I have an established career with my maiden name. I just tell them that's what I want to do, unapologetically. "That's what I want." And I leave it at that. It's a wonderful conversation stopper.

missy68 · September 2010

J's sister didn't change her name. However, her new husband changed his to match hers (which matches her son's). So, he took another man's name. She wasn't using her maiden name.
THAT I personally find amusingly weird. But, then again, they're the ones who got married the day before us (even son didn't know before), then renewed their vows a month later on the beach.

MsLaura31 · September 2010

I was going to keep my name (right now I'm leaning towards hyphenating) and worried about this as well. I agree with mica; "It's what I want" is the best response. Giving an explanation is not only unnecessary but can also leave you open to unwanted opinions. As long as you're calm and keep a smile on your face, they'll get over it.

TheCranberry · September 2010

I'm not changing my name, and I tell people some variation of "I don't want to" or "I have a strong identity with my name" or something like that. I just say it matter of factly with a smile or a regular look on my face. When people try to engage in a debate about it, I just firmly say that I don't find it necessary to change my name and don't get baited. Most people aren't rude about it though.

Calypso1977 · September 2010

i did not change my name. because of the tradition, i dont think its odd that folks didnt ask why my H wasnt changing his, but i do find it strange folks assume i would change.

the people who were most annoyed were my sister and H's brother. my IL's were really confused for some reason, dont really like it or understand it, but they've been respectful. i got the usual "your paperwork will get messed up" and when we have kids "the school wont know whose kids are mine" lines. so far, no messed up paperwork, and i'm pretty sure in this day and age of single paretns, unwed parents, divorced parents, etc. schools can figure out what kids are mine.

ootmother2 · September 2010

I didn't change my name and that was somewhat more unusual at the time (I'm MOB)

My daughter carries her father's name and I don't recall the school ever forgetting that she was my daughter.

aplatanada · September 2010

I didn't change my name. I also added H to my insurance and had an Abbot & Costello-esque conversation with our HR person about my social security card when I went to turn in the paperwork.

She kept telling me I had to wait to get my new SS card, and I finally figured out it was because she thought I was changing my name. I told her I wasn't getting a new card because I wasn't changing my name. And she said, frustrated, "You have to be actually married when if you want to put him on. When you are married and get your new card, let me know." I said, "No, we're married! I don't need a new card!" And it all started over again. She finally got it after I showed her the copy of the marriage certificate and said veery slowly, "I'm. Not. Chaning. My. Last. Name."

When we opened our joint checking account and the bank rep found out we had different last names. She looked at H and said, "You gonna let her get away with that?" And he said, "It's not up to me. Why would I have to 'let' her?" (Score one for the H!)

JDandCoke · September 2010

My standard answer is
Q. You didn't change your name?
A. Well neither did he...

leah2b · September 2010

I didn't change my name and haven't encountered any problem with it.

linguo42 · September 2010

I haven't had a single person so far seem suprised that I'm not changing my name. I've had plenty of people ask if I am, but when I say I'm not, they just nod and that's that. If anyone does eventually decide to get up in arms about it, I'll just respond, "Why should I? I like my name the way it is!"

andy71781 · September 2010

Everybody was suprised that I did change my name.

aplatanada · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-changing-name-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5c155fbd-d728-4d9b-8439-da8ed6884a87Post:4c31f160-8680-42e9-9f8c-e90a1e3037ab">Re: NOT changing my name... advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Everybody was suprised that I did change my name.
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

<div>This annoys me too. I feel like the change/not change issue has been around long enough that it shouldn't be a surprise either way. </div>

notquiteblushing · September 2010

I didn't change mine and it hasn't been a problem. A few people at work asked me what my new name was and I told them there wasn't one. A confused look or two but that's it.

Wrkn925 · September 2010

I had a supercool professor in college. His name was Atkins, wife was Kaufman...or the other way around. Anywho, neither wanted to lose the significance behind their name, and hypenating wasn't a good idea for them, because they thought hmmmm "what if we have a daugther, with a hypenated name, who doesn't want to lose her name when she marries?"
(Did you catch tha?)
So, they put the two names in a blender, (ok, not really), and now they are Kaufkins.
Atkins + Kaufman = Kaufkins.
Odd, but I really liked him as a professor and their reasoning behind it.

Me, I'm dropping middle name.
I will be: First name - Maiden last - Married Last

Just say what you're doing, give one reason if you feel like it, the change the subject.

Kristin789 · September 2010

>>I have your problem in reverse. A lot of my family/friends/coworkers don't understand why I'd change my name since I have an established career with my maiden name. I just tell them that's what I want to do, unapologetically. "That's what I want." And I leave it at that. It's a wonderful conversation stopper.

That. Exactly.

I was over 40 and had worked at that workplace for over 15 years, had publications, had awards, had served as president of several community groups and one state association in my maiden name.

But when I married, I became FIRST, MIDDLE, NEWLAST.

The biggest response I got was from a co-worker woman who knew that my maiden name was Clark and my FI's last name is silmilar to this: Lefterwich. And she said to me: "Women in this new century only change their last names if the husband's last name is easier to pronounce or easier to spell."

And I said, "That's what I want to do."
If the person stuttered around after that, I said, "It's important to me to do that."

So those are the two statements I suggest for you.

palrmt · September 2010

I am changing my name. I just always knew I would. It doesnt bother me at all.My FI really didnt factor into my decision as he said its my name and its up to me. He also said that he would prefer I take his name but would understand if I kept my maiden name. I do however believe its a personal choice and can totally understand girls who dont want to change their name. I would just say something along the lines of "its what i want to do." and let it go at that.

casuallyrad · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-changing-name-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5c155fbd-d728-4d9b-8439-da8ed6884a87Post:62622aff-e5f8-4a63-9fe6-871ec856aefc">Re: NOT changing my name... advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]My standard answer is Q. You didn't change your name? A. Well neither did he...
Posted by JDandCoke[/QUOTE]

Haha!

emmagfunk03 · September 2010

Just speaking up as a teacher here -- most of the grading/info databases we use to contact parents lists both parents first and last names for both parents. There's never any confusion, and it's not a big deal at all. At my last school I was more used to separate last names than similar!

sarabellam · September 2010

I didn't change my last name this time around. Occasionally when my students find out, some of the guys ask me why, and I tell them that I'm no man's possession. That pretty much shuts them up, but I think I like 2dBride's comment of him keeping his married name even better.

FWIW, the only time it has really been an issue was in depositing checks we got for wedding presents. We didn't have any joint account at that point, and a couple of checks were made out to "Mr. and Mrs. Jack Blank." Had to both go into the bank, marriage certificate in tow, and with picture ID.

lilianne22 · September 2010

I'm not changing my last name either. Only a few people have asked me about it so far and they are my side of the fam so they didn't seem to surprised by it. I'm not sure if other people will be surprised by it but if so I plan to just say it was important to me to keep my name. I do like the "FI doesn't mind so why should you?" comment though, just in case someone gets snarky with me.

I think if you are super offended though when someone calls you by your H's last name and you kept yours, it's kinda silly. (Unless it's immediate family who should know whether or not you are keeping your name). The majority of women change their name, so I'm kind of expecting mail and such in the future with FI's last name on it.

ketchikan3969 · September 2010

I'm hyphenating, because I already have some publications with my name and in my field the recognition is important. I have not met resistance but if I were to keep my maiden name, I think the perfect response to people's rue questioning is: "We're not any less married, are we?" while smiling sweetly.

Then again, FI aren't planning on having kids so I have an arsenal of responses for those questions. Can't wait!

Good luck!

beatlesgirl25 · September 2010

I'm a fan of the phrase "it works for us," and then changing the subject. Neither you or the person in question is going to change each other's minds about it, and it can be an emotionally loaded topic so it's best to let it drop.

I didn't change my name, and have felt the same indignation you have, especially before the wedding when people still thought they could "get through to me." If you can find a peaceful way of dealing with it now, it's for the best, because these assumptions proably aren't going to stop after you get married. My first anniversary is in a few weeks, and I just got a letter from H's grandma addressed to "Beatlesgirl Hislastname." We correct her every time but she still does it. I just don't mention it anymore, but it still annoys me.

reebsreebs · September 2010

My FI and I have been responding to questions about name change with two answers.... one-- "we talked about it, and decided that FI will keep his last name." and two-- "I told FI I'd be honored to make him Mr. Dr. [my first name] [my last name]."

With a PhD and two books under this name, not to mention 38 years, I can't imagine why ANYONE would think I was going to change my name. I find my semi-serious semi joke answers help point out to people the inherant inequality in the assumption that the woman has to change her name.

acw016 · September 2010

Thanks for all the comments, very helpful to see all sides of the issue! My main annoyance was that it felt like some of my girlfriends were implying that I'm not fully committed to my FI unless I take his name, that I must not be proud to be marrying him etc. Guess it's just a litle more conservative around here & a new idea for many people I know. I think I"m going to go with "No, we both decided keep our names." Doesn't bother my fiance at all that I"m keeping mine, he's 100% supportive so I guess it doesn't really matter what others assume as long we we are happy!

rak123 · September 2010

Ha, funny story.

I have a name plate on my desk that says my first and last name. One of the janitors walked by and said, "we will need to be ordering you a new name plate soon!!"

And I replied, "no, that won't be necessary."

Her response, "OMG! Did you guys break up? Are you still getting married?!?!"

I just told her I wasn't changing my name, and she gave me a confused look, and dropped it at that.

But yeah, way to jump to conclusions there, lady.

I am not looking forward to anymore of those conversations.

prasad007 · September 2010

I wanted to share what FI and I are doing, since noone has mentioned it as an option:

We're both adding each other's last names to our existing names. I will become First Middle1 Middle2 Maiden HisLast (I know it will be long, that's ok) and FI will become First Middle MyMaiden HisLast. It works for us, plus we don't have to deal with hyphenation.

We're considering what to do with our future kids, though. In my family the girls have my mom's last name, and the boys have my dad's last name. We'll see how it works out.

TheCranberry · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-changing-name-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5c155fbd-d728-4d9b-8439-da8ed6884a87Post:844f1c36-ff92-40f5-b69f-c7abc80a7766">Re: NOT changing my name... advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been dealing with this issue too. First, FI had a problem with it. He hasn't made an ultimatum or is trying to "force" me to change my name, but when he found out that was my decision, he was a little disappointed. This bothered me the most. I don't want to disappoint him, but I also don't want to change my name! Other issues I've had are from my in-laws: FMIL put her hand to her head and goes "How will I have a daughter-in-law if she doesn't change her name!?!?!?" (*gag* from me) FBIL says "Why bother getting married then? You're a woman, it's what you have to do. Not changing your name is what lesb0s do" (as I hold back my raging urge to knock him out with that comment! PS - he's a grown 'man' and not a kid) Other's say "Don't you want your kids to have your last name" (no, not necessary.) "What about when teachers call your house and they call you by your husband's last name" (I can deal - not the end of the world) "Won't your kids be confused by your different last name?" (I hope I have smarter kids than that) "Teachers will not know what to call you" (I hope my kids have teachers smarter than that) "You won't be a real family" (Bull.) I do envy that your FI supports your decision, though. All the other issues I can blow off, but I can't shake the feeling that he's not happy with my decision, but is only going along with it because he loves me. (Which is good, I guess)
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

Wow, the reactions from your FMIL and FBIL are revolting. I probably would have had a not so nice comment back to FBIL about that. Ugh.

My mother and I don't have the same last name, and it was never a problem when I was little, and this was in the 80s/90s so I doubt it will be a problem now. I really don't understand why people find this so confusing! Do they really think schools will match kids up to parents only by last name? Not in this day and age!

flyjawn · September 2010

it makes my grandmother crazy that my sister and i both married and kept our birth names.

i think that's the only person who had any issues.

in my professional circles, it's pretty uncommon for women to change their names.

whenever anyone asked me if i was changing my name, i'd just say that it never occurred to me. i find short and firm answers end those conversations pretty fast.

Calypso1977 · September 2010

beatles, my dear sweet godmother is the same way. she sent me something "Mrs. John Smith" and H opened it by mistake thinking it was "Mr. John Smith". she means well and i know she truly believes my name is Smith. its the ones that know its Jones that still put Smith that annoy me. but for the most part, its been great and no issues (except for the big fight the week of my wedding between me and the two opponents i mentioned earlier).

NOT changing my name... advice?

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