Name Drama

TXKellyL · February 2012

So, I've been a single mother for the last 8 years and my son has my maiden name as his last name. As the wedding is approaching, I've spoken to his biological Dad and he won't agree to let us change my son's last name to my soon-to-be husbands. I decided to try to hyphenate to keep at least some of the same last name as my son and still take my fiance's as well. But is it okay to have my maiden name last so that it's more similar to my son's instead of having my fiance's name last and making it mor ecomplicated? Are there rules on this?

Thamks.

Kelly

housewifehobbiest · February 2012

I think unless your FI legally adopted your son, it might be a little wierd to change your son's name. That said it is perfectly fine to keep your maiden name, and use FI's name socially.

I'm very attached to my name, so I'm going to be Jenna Smith Jones (no hyphen, and of course not my actual name).

futuremrsgates · February 2012

Your name can be whatever you want it to be, although some people might be confused.

redheadfsu · February 2012

You can do whatever you want with your name as long as your state allows it (some states have very specific rules as to how women can change their names, so talk to a local attorney).

TXKellyL · February 2012

My fiance would lke to adopt him, but in order for that to happen his biological father would have to give up his parental rights and that will never happen. I just want don't want the name change to make my son feel excluded or like he isn't a part of our new family. My son asked to change his name to be the same as ours and thus, the whole issue came up. I really would like to take my fiance's last name, but I think I have to hyphenate to help my kiddo out. I'm torn.

saacjw · February 2012

My mom kept her married name for a while after my parents split so that we'd all have a similar name. The hyphenation worked well, but it seems weird to have your maiden name last, but if it works for you, do it, especially if you think it will help your son adjust.

I also have to say that from experience, it stops mattering if your last name is the same as your parents. My "parents" are my mom and my step dad, but when they got married my mom switched to her maiden name and I still had my dad's name, so we had 3 last names in the house. It was surprisingly not a big deal, I sometimes got called by one of my parents' names and they got called Mr or Mrs other name, but we responded to anything. My siblings and I actually made a new last name out of the three initials of the last names in the house and we refer to that when talking about get togethers.

Simply Fated · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:b1ef55e0-39b9-4506-84a4-9221df6e34f2Post:4a7fcb4c-db90-4b08-9b38-157bdfb9baa7">Re: Name Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance would lke to adopt him, but in order for that to happen his biological father would have to give up his parental rights and that will never happen. I just want don't want the name change to make my son feel excluded or like he isn't a part of our new family. My son asked to change his name to be the same as ours and thus, the whole issue came up. I really would like to take my fiance's last name, but I think I have to hyphenate to help my kiddo out. I'm torn.
Posted by TXKellyL[/QUOTE]

He's still a part of his biological dad's family, too.
You can use what ever name you want. When your son is 18 he can do whatever he wants, too.

ElleB87 · February 2012

I don't blame your ex for not wanting his child to take another man's name. Regardless of your marital status his child will always be his child. You can do whatever you want with your name.

em01092 · February 2012

My mom went by her stepdad's last name socially, but legally still had her biological father's name. It can be confusing for his school and teachers, but it's not that big of a deal.

I would just sit down with your son and explain that the law says his name cannot be legally changed right now, but that does not make him less a part of the family. Names don't make a family, people and their relationships do. He may not understand it yet but hopefully he will.

Is your ex paying child support and involved parenting wise in your son's life? Or is he just holding on to this bit of power because he can? If he is not, your FI may have an easier time adopting him even if your ex doesn't give consent, but again just talk with a lawyer because all of this varies so much state to state. And also, if your ex is a good father and is in the picture, try to remember that he is the father of your son, and your FI shouldn't be replacing him. Even though you are remarrying, he deserves to have a good relationship with his father (though forget I said this if said father is not around, is/was abusive, involved in drugs/illegal stuff, in jail, etc).

Avion22 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b1ef55e0-39b9-4506-84a4-9221df6e34f2Post:897e88ca-c0dc-4cbf-b83f-7b2bb1b7c09f">Re: Name Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you're overthinking it. Many, many modern families are blended families, and it's not unusual for children to have a different name than their parents, or even their siblings. It's what's in your hearts that counts. Change your name to whatever you wish. Your son won't be traumatized, or feel less of a part of the family because of a word.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm in my 30s, and even when I was a kid, lots of children had a different last name from their parents or their siblings. It was no big deal, and nobody was "confused." Family is more than a name.</div><div>
</div><div>Having said that, what YOU choose to do with YOUR name is a deicion for nobody else besides YOU. If you want to change it, change it. Hyphenate? Go for it. Your son won't be any less yours with a different last name. You'll obviously want to have a discussion with him about this so he understands that he'll still be your son and you'll still love him with whatever name each of you has. You could even explain to him how special it is that he will keep your maiden name and carry it on. </div>

kmmssg · February 2012

I agree with it's all about what is in your heart. I'm going to guess your son has many friends at school where the mom has a different last name than the child. Maybe if he chatted with one of his buddies about this he will see it's common and not such a huge deal. Also keep in mind what you and FI will want to do namewise if you have children together. I can't blame his biodad for not allowing the name change though. Even though DS has your maiden name you are asking him to give the kid another man's name when DS wasn't allowed to have your ex's last name.

mcskatcat · February 2012

Honestly, at this day in age I feel it's more and more common for mixed names among families. I work with a nuclear family (Mom, Dad, two kids who all live together) where the mother kept her maiden name for professional reasons, but the kids and the dad have the same name. I've worked with another family where the mother used the family name socially, but professionally went by her maiden name.

I can understand that you want some cohesiveness in the new family, but at the same time he might be happy with it the way it is. As a grown adult it's weird to me to have to change my identity, and I can only imagine it's more confusing for a child.

SCogs18 · February 2012

[QUOTE]I don't blame your ex for not wanting his child to take another man's name. Regardless of your marital status his child will always be his child. You can do whatever you want with your name.
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]

I agree with this completely. If I was your son's father I would be very upset. He may feel like you are trying to replace him as your son's dad with your new husband. You can do whatever you want with your name, but I don't think it's fair to change your son's. When he turns 18 if he still wants to change his last name, let him.

CFM102012 · February 2012

My SIL kept her maiden name. When they started having kids the issue of last names came up. My niece has SIL's last name and my nephew has Bro's last name. It might get a little confusing when both kids are in school (niece starts K next year, nephew is still a toddler) but they'll deal with it.

As PP said, names don't make a family.

mandi921vh · February 2012

Whatever you choose to do is fine, there isn't any rules as to who last name goes first, but I would check with your state to see how you go about changing your last name.

DramaGeek · February 2012

I have several students whose last names are legally Smith, but they use (and ask me to use) Jones instead. That could be an option for your son if he wants to.

As far as what to do with yours, the only problem I can see with your name being last is that people will assume your H's last name is your maiden name.

How would your H feel about changing to your maiden name? Then you could all have the same name.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · February 2012

Your husband could change his name.

But if you want to hyphenate, there's nothing that says you have to do it one way or another.

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b1ef55e0-39b9-4506-84a4-9221df6e34f2Post:36a1cf44-ca44-4883-81c8-83b21fda0ac7">Re: Name Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]How would your H feel about changing to your maiden name? Then you could all have the same name.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]
<div>That was what I was thinking.</div>

Lisa50 · February 2012

Step back for a second. If your child's father was the one getting married, what would your reaction be if he asked to change your son's name to his new wife's last name???

Do whatever you want with your name but I'd suggest leaving your son's name as is.

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