Selecting MOH and Bridesmaids...help!

jsjm2012 · December 2012

I thought this would be easy, but apparently it isnt!

First of all, I've always thought of my best friend as my MOH; however she lives 5+ hours away and I'm not sure if she would really be able to fulfill all her "duties". She has never had this duty before and she is Indian (so her customs are obviously very different).

My brother's new wife would be the most organized and logical next choice for MOH, and we get along super well. She lives 3.5 hours away, but like I said she is very organized and since she just got married, she is well versed in what needs to happen. We still don't know each other THAT well, but I've always enjoyed hanging out with her and she already offered to put together our engagement party.

I then read that my mom could be my MOH. She would be tickled to death if i asked her, but I'm a little worried that she might "take over" planning, since when she got married her mother planned it all in 2 months for her. I also don't think she is very familar with what being a MOH actually entails.

I have one other friend who I was going to ask to be a bridesmaid. We were friends back in college and I think a lot of her. She lives like 6 hours away but was an important part of my life for 5 years, so hopefully she will say yes.

I've also read that the sister of the groom has traditionally been a bridesmaid. I think she would love this, but she is on the younger/less mature side (she's only 18/19).

Thoughts/ideas?

My original plan (without thinking it too much through at first, was my best friend as my MOH and then my sis-in-law and my college friend as my bridesmaids)...to total 3 on my side (my FH has 3 on his). Now I'm wondering if I need to make a more logical choice (or if its too much to ask of my new sis-in-law?) or the family choice (my mom). And, of course, I need to figure out what to do with my FH's sister. Eek!

zitiqueen · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_selecting-moh-and-bridesmaidshelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:c1801206-1944-41bb-8e7d-3baf8b0f99b2Post:60c1ce40-66f3-49c8-87ab-5dbb378c8ba1">Selecting MOH and Bridesmaids...help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I thought this would be easy, but apparently it isnt! First of all, I've always thought of my best friend as my MOH; however she lives 5+ hours away and I'm not sure if she would really be able to fulfill all her "duties". She has never had this duty before and she is Indian (so her customs are obviously very different). My brother's new wife would be the most organized and logical next choice for MOH, and we get along super well. She lives 3.5 hours away, but like I said she is very organized and since she just got married, she is well versed in what needs to happen. We still don't know each other THAT well, but I've always enjoyed hanging out with her and she already offered to put together our engagement party. I then read that my mom could be my MOH. She would be tickled to death if i asked her, but I'm a little worried that she might "take over" planning, since when she got married her mother planned it all in 2 months for her. I also don't think she is very familar with what being a MOH actually entails. I have one other friend who I was going to ask to be a bridesmaid. We were friends back in college and I think a lot of her. She lives like 6 hours away but was an important part of my life for 5 years, so hopefully she will say yes. I've also read that the sister of the groom has traditionally been a bridesmaid. I think she would love this, but she is on the younger/less mature side (she's only 18/19). Thoughts/ideas? My original plan (without thinking it too much through at first, was my best friend as my MOH and then my sis-in-law and my college friend as my bridesmaids)...to total 3 on my side (my FH has 3 on his). Now I'm wondering if I need to make a more logical choice (or if its too much to ask of my new sis-in-law?) or the family choice (my mom). And, of course, I need to figure out what to do with my FH's sister. Eek!
Posted by jsjm2012[/QUOTE]

You're supposed to pick your bridal party based on the fact that they're your nearest and dearest and you couldn't imagine getting married without them standing by your side, not on who can provide the most free labor for a party that isn't even theirs.

jsjm2012 · December 2012

These are all people I want there, but I have to consider who can help the most (if needed) at least for the MOH position. I'm looking for a MOH who can be supportive but also a go-getter who doesn't need to have their hand held through the process. At the same time, I don't want to hurt any feelings. I know its about ME, for once, but whats the point of a MOH if they aren't there to help the bride? Its more than just showing up and/or planning a party.

allelsefaild · December 2012

I'm sorry, but I don't understand why it's more than just showing up. My MOH is 4 months pregnant right now and if not pregnant again by the time of my wedding, will be taking care of a baby, and I couldn't be happier for her. If she wants to help me plan she's more than welcome to, but if not, no worries; it's not her job. All I expect from my bridesmaids is that they come to my wedding and stand by me during the ceremony.

AddieCake · December 2012

Your MOH is not obligated to help you with anything for your wedding. Nobody in the wedding party is obligated to help. It is only the responsibility of you and our fiance to make your wedding come together. You choose your WP because, as Ziti said, they are your nearest and dearest, not by who can help you. You also do not have to include his sister as a bridesmaid unless you want to. She can always stand on his side as a groomsmaid if he wants her in the WP.

OwningAHome1981 · December 2012

What does Indian have to do with anything? Her customs are different, so what? That doesn't mean she isn't deserving of being an MOH. The duties of an MOH are no more than showing up in the dress and possibly holding your train and maybe making a speech. I am pretty sure she can handle that.

zitiqueen · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_selecting-moh-and-bridesmaidshelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:c1801206-1944-41bb-8e7d-3baf8b0f99b2Post:4c5623d8-7641-4dc1-afa6-e8d8678ea113">Re: Selecting MOH and Bridesmaids...help!</a>:
[QUOTE]These are all people I want there, but I have to consider who can help the most (if needed) at least for the MOH position. I'm looking for a MOH who can be supportive but also a go-getter who doesn't need to have their hand held through the process. At the same time, I don't want to hurt any feelings.<strong> I know its about ME</strong>, for once, but whats the point of a MOH if they aren't there to help the bride? Its more than just showing up and/or planning a party.
Posted by jsjm2012[/QUOTE]

Jeez, are you going to interview your girls first in order to determine who can be the best bridal slave?

What about that dude standing next to you? Isn't it his wedding too? Why does he get off scot-free but somebody who lives hours and hours away from you is expected to drop everything in her life just so she can help you tie ribbons on bubble wands?

Look, if members of your bridal party <em>want</em> to help you, fantastic. But no way should they be expected to. If you and your FI can't handle planning your own damn wedding, either scale it back or hire a wedding planner.

zitiqueen · December 2012

Holy crap, if your bio is correct you aren't even getting married until October of 2014. You shouldn't even be thinking about asking anybody to be in your bridal party now. Hell, you shouldn't even be thinking about it during the 2013 calendar year.

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

Maybe you should hold interviews, make them type up applications with thier job skills, and then send them rejection letters letting them know that they don't have the skills you are looking for in a loved one.

I mean, that IS the whole point right? Evaluating your nearest and dearest for how much value they can provide to you? Don't listen to all these girls who talk about 'love' and 'honor', and 'treating loved ones well', they don't understand you and your corporate needs. It's all about how you can profit yaknow?? Watchin out for those shareholders!

jsjm2012 · December 2012

WOW...ok first of all you guys are seriously harsh. I thought this was supposed to be a supportive community. Goes to show what to expect from strangers (I guess I held my standards far too high). I am simply regurgitating what I have read about what the party (especially the the maid of honor) is supposed to help with. I have been trying to research everything, since unlike many women, I know very little about weddings and am pretty much starting from scratch. Plus, based off of the limited experience I have with being IN weddings, the MOH takes a large role in helping coordinate (esp. the batcholorette party and the wedding/bridal shower) and in MY opinion, if that is what they help with then I need someone i know I can count on. If what I have been researching is incorrect (helping create invites, picking out the dress--or at least being there with me to support me--, etc etc etc) then I would like to know what exactly their role is. I am not trying to pick people because of what they will spend or do for me. I am having a budget wedding and the last thing I expect is for them to shell out a ton of money. I am having these people (at least the core 3) regardless of what they do, because they are my friends. In reference to the comment about my best friend possibly not being my best friend in a year...we have been best friends for 15+ years. These 3 people are in my life forever, they aren't some passing acquaintence I am trying to add to the party "just because". I am simply torn because of what I have read during my research about who is supposed to do what. If I stick to tradition, then I have to take that into consideration (or at least attempt to understand everything and then make decisions from there). Oh, and as far as my fiance, it IS his wedding too and I'm having to make an effort to get his input (because as far as he's concerned, he would be just as happy getting married under a tent in a backyard for just a few hundred bucks. He says this is my day. I say its our day. Either way, as far as the people standing beside me, he doesn't care. He doesn't know my friends and he just wants me to be happy. He doesn't even think his sister should be a part of it because of her immaturity. I think it might mean a lot to her to have the honor of standing beside me (or him) at least as a bridesmaid. I'm not trying to argue here, but I'm very put off by some of your comments. Also, yes, we are looking at fall 2014 because we have to budget and pay for the wedding (with only a little outside help). I would much rather enjoy the process, go slow, and start with little debt than to jump into planning a wedding 8 months down the road that leaves us in a ton of debt. Maybe i want to do a girls weekend with my side of the party in advance of the wedding...not a batchelorette party but just time to catch up wtih them (since we never get to actually see each other). Maybe I want them to meet each other at the engagement party...maybe there are a lot of reasons I'm starting now. In the end, its my and my fiance's wedding but we are not well versed when it comes to planning one. I simply came here for some friendly advice.

Retreadbride, I'm in the outer banks. I am familiar with Johnston county though

(and THANK YOU for your wonderful post!!)

zitiqueen · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_selecting-moh-and-bridesmaidshelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:c1801206-1944-41bb-8e7d-3baf8b0f99b2Post:5ffa353e-4674-45f7-a936-c719208aaff8">Re: Selecting MOH and Bridesmaids...help!</a>:
[QUOTE]WOW...ok first of all you guys are seriously harsh. I thought this was supposed to be a supportive community. Goes to show what to expect from strangers (I guess I held my standards far too high). I am simply regurgitating what I have read about what the party (especially the the maid of honor) is supposed to help with. I have been trying to research everything, since unlike many women, I know very little about weddings and am pretty much starting from scratch. Plus, based off of the limited experience I have with being IN weddings, the MOH takes a large role in helping coordinate (esp. the batcholorette party and the wedding/bridal shower) and in MY opinion, if that is what they help with then I need someone i know I can count on. If what I have been researching is incorrect (helping create invites, picking out the dress--or at least being there with me to support me--, etc etc etc) then I would like to know what exactly their role is.<strong> I am not trying to pick people because of what they will spend or do for me.</strong> I am having a budget wedding and the last thing I expect is for them to shell out a ton of money. I am having these people (at least the core 3) regardless of what they do, because they are my friends. In reference to the comment about my best friend possibly not being my best friend in a year...we have been best friends for 15+ years. These 3 people are in my life forever, they aren't some passing acquaintence I am trying to add to the party "just because". I am simply torn because of what I have read during my research about who is supposed to do what. If I stick to tradition, then I have to take that into consideration (or at least attempt to understand everything and then make decisions from there). Oh, and as far as my fiance, it IS his wedding too and I'm having to make an effort to get his input (because as far as he's concerned, he would be just as happy getting married under a tent in a backyard for just a few hundred bucks. He says this is my day. I say its our day. Either way, as far as the people standing beside me, he doesn't care. He doesn't know my friends and he just wants me to be happy. He doesn't even think his sister should be a part of it because of her immaturity. I think it might mean a lot to her to have the honor of standing beside me (or him) at least as a bridesmaid. I'm not trying to argue here, but I'm very put off by some of your comments. Also, yes, we are looking at fall 2014 because we have to budget and pay for the wedding (with only a little outside help). I would much rather enjoy the process, go slow, and start with little debt than to jump into planning a wedding 8 months down the road that leaves us in a ton of debt. Maybe i want to do a girls weekend with my side of the party in advance of the wedding...not a batchelorette party but just time to catch up wtih them (since we never get to actually see each other). Maybe I want them to meet each other at the engagement party...maybe there are a lot of reasons I'm starting now. In the end, its my and my fiance's wedding but we are not well versed when it comes to planning one. I simply came here for some friendly advice.<strong> Retreadbride, I'm in the outer banks. I am familiar with Johnston county though :) (and THANK YOU for your wonderful post!!)</strong>
Posted by jsjm2012[/QUOTE]

There are many instances in your original post that contradict your "I'm not picking people because of what they will do for me or spend on me" statement.

Clearly the only thing you took from RetreadBride's post is that she's also from NC. Everthing else? <em>Woosh</em>. Right over your head.

But hey, you're right about your BFs being in your life 4-evah because we've never once seen an instance of a relationship changing between the bride and her BMs during the almost two years between when she asked them to be in her bridal party and the actual wedding. It never happens. You need to pick them now-now-now and then spend the next two years haranguing them on a weekly basis with wedding details and lists of your expectations for them.

Nobody cares that your wedding is at the end of 2014. Nobody said anything about you starting to plan or save too soon. Starting to save now is actually a great idea. What we did say was it's too soon to ask people to stand up for you. If they're your BFFs now, they'll still be your BFFs a year from now, right?

jsjm2012 · December 2012

I would delete this thread if I knew how. Thank you, to the few people who responded without snarky remarks.

OliveOilsMom · December 2012

jsjm, stick around, lurk, you will learn a lot from these boards. The responses often give are brutally honest. We will not validate bad ideas. And yes, you trying to pick your MOH based on who can do the most for you is a bad idea. If you want bad ideas validated and treat your friends like crap for almost 2 years, then go over to Wedding Bee. But if you want to keep your friends long after you are married, stick around here.

I would encourage you to go over to either the Wedding Party or Moms & Maids boards and se what those brides are saying about BMs they have picked too early. I had a friend for 8 years who chose me and the other friends in our group as BMs. After the experience we had as BMs in her wedding, we are now no longer friends with this bride. Again, if you don't want this to happen to you, stick around here.

As for your MOH doing extra for you. The only extra she needs to do is sign your marriage license and hold your bouquet. Showers and b-parties can be planned by anyone except you. They are also parties that don't have to be given. If no one plans them for you, you will not have them.

So wait until early 2014 before you officially ask your bridal party. You can begin planning your wedding and budgeting, there is nothing wrong with that. Just hold off on asking your bridal party members.

And lastly, paragraphs are your friend. Please use them and please come back! We are honestly trying to help you!

AddieCake · December 2012

You asked "What is the point of a MOH, then, if not to help?" The question is the answer. There really ISN'T much "point," which is exactly why I didn't have one. I had my 2 closest friends standing with me on my wedding day. Neither did any more or less than the other. In all honesty, we had people not even IN the wedding party who helped us just as much. And this actually IS a supportive and helpful community, but the question of "Who do I pick who can help me the most?" comes up on kind of a daily basis around here and is a hot button issue. Sometimes people get frustrated that women ask the same question over and over without having browsed the many threads on the same topic. Stick around. You'll get some good, HONEST advice. Internet strangers really are the best ones for that b/c we don't know you and don't mind hurting your feelings from time to time if it means saving you from looking foolish or like a Zilla.

MyNameIsNot · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_selecting-moh-and-bridesmaidshelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:c1801206-1944-41bb-8e7d-3baf8b0f99b2Post:eee5f8a9-609a-40b1-abbb-d53db3b8c555">searching for help elsewhere</a>:
[QUOTE]I would delete this thread if I knew how. Thank you, to the few people who responded without snarky remarks.
Posted by jsjm2012[/QUOTE]

<div>They removed that function because too many people threw tantrums and deleted their posts when they didn't hear what they wanted. </div><div>
</div><div>No one was snarky. They gave you honest and true information. They just didn't sugar coat it. If you went to your friends and started talking about how you were deciding who to choose based on the criteria you've posted here, you wouldn't have any friends left. </div><div>
</div><div>You need to calm down and get over the fact that a bunch of strangers didn't tell you what you wanted to hear, take a deep breath, and come back and read this post with fresh eyes. There is a ton of good advice in here, all meant to help you keep your friends after the wedding, and to help you avoid behaving selfishly. </div><div>
</div><div>Or don't, stamp your feet, and ruin your friendships by treating them like hired staff. I don't care. </div>

Dreamergirl8812 · December 2012

I understand your frustration JSJM. I'm shocked sometimes by how some women on these forums get personally offended and throw a big hissy fit. It's unfortunate though because what they're saying between their drama-queen comments is totally correct. Your MOH is the person you want to honor. She isn't responsible for anything except getting the dress and standing next to you reasonably sober. If you want them to come with you when you go dress shopping, they should, but not because it is their "duty." It's because they are your friends.

Bottom line: ignore the snarky comments because most of the comments on this thread are just plain honest.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2013

I didn't even HAVE a MOH, so I don't really understand this concern. I had 2 bridesmaids and a bridesman (my brother).

Selecting MOH and Bridesmaids...help!

Re: Selecting MOH and Bridesmaids...help!

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