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My grandma stinks LITERALLY...no one knows what to do

secretbride1988secretbride1988 member
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in Wedding Woes
Well the subject pretty much says it all.  My grandmother lives alone and does so quite well but lately my parents are having a problem with her.  It seems she smells AWFUL.  Her usual smell is of cigs and cat litter but according to my dad (who refuses to ever say anything bad about anyone until now it seems)... that smell would be welcomed cuz now she has TERRIBLE B.O.
I haven't seen her in a while but my parents and brothers swear its bad.  This is coming from a family of farmers who showers once a week or so and smells animal feces all day which leads me to believe it must be BAD!
My dad thinks my mom should talk to my grandma about it cuz she's a woman and my mom thinks my dad should cuz its his mother.  They are concerned about her smelling for my wedding. 
 They are also concerned the woman won't dress up because she is not happy (she's kinda nuts and feels that this much like my parents wedding is making her "look old" she's in her 70's).
My grandma is an endless source of problems from her terrible attitude and deminer to her seeminly hatred for one of her daughters and my mother.
How to we tell her to clean up and dress up?  
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Re: My grandma stinks LITERALLY...no one knows what to do

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    Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_grandma-stinks-literallyno-one-knows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:e0778880-5ee9-4af4-8f38-314dfd20e7cdPost:b01f6155-b115-47eb-a59a-0af97f3542ad">My grandma stinks LITERALLY...no one knows what to do</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well the subject pretty much says it all.  My grandmother lives alone and does so quite well but lately my parents are having a problem with her.  It seems she smells AWFUL.  Her usual smell is of cigs and cat litter but according to my dad (who refuses to ever say anything bad about anyone until now it seems)... that smell would be welcomed cuz now she has TERRIBLE B.O. I haven't seen her in a while but my parents and brothers swear its bad.  This is coming from a family of farmers who showers once a week or so and smells animal feces all day which leads me to believe it must be BAD! My dad thinks my mom should talk to my grandma about it cuz she's a woman and my mom thinks my dad should cuz its his mother.  They are concerned about her smelling for my wedding.   They are also concerned the woman won't dress up because she is not happy (she's kinda nuts and feels that this much like my parents wedding is making her "look old" she's in her 70's). My grandma is an endless source of problems from her terrible attitude and deminer to her seeminly hatred for one of her daughters and my mother.<strong> How to we tell her to clean up and dress up?  </strong>
    Posted by secretbride1988[/QUOTE]

    I don't think you do. She is a grown woman and if she dresses herself every other day of the year, I don't think this should be different. If she shows up way underdressed, it reflects on her, not you.

    As far as the "smell," I don't know how you politely bring that up to anyone. Again, if people can "smell" her, it reflects on her, not on you. They can walk away and not stand/sit by her if it really bothers them. You haven't even smelled it firsthand, so you have no idea what the situation even really is. I would let it go. You have other things to think about, rather than micromanaging how guests dress and smell.


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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
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    edited December 2011
    My sister went through this with our dad.  He would wear the same clothes for days, sleep on the couch because he was afraid someone would break in, not bathe.

    She finally just had to tell him "Dad, I'm picking you up tomorrow morning for your Dr appt and I expect you to be in clean clothes and washed up."  It worked to a point.

    This is part of what happens to some people as they get older.  Whoever is going to approach this is going to have to be as gently direct as possible.  Beating around the bush or droppping hints will do nothing.  Good luck.
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    j_jayej_jaye
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    edited December 2011
    Sorry I don't mean to be harsh but you say your elderly grandmother lives alone and does so quite well and then go on to say she normally smells like kitty litter and now BO. That doesn't quite fit with living well especially since she didn't used to smell like BO.
    I think your family needs to focus on getting her some help and maybe seeing a doctor rather than worrying about how she will smell at your wedding or what she will wear!
    You also say that she isn't happy which combined with everything else could be a sign of depression but could also be other things such as dementia or alzheimer's.
    Get her to a doctor to make sure her health is alright and if she is fine then I guess she is just a crabby old lady and you will have to make the choice between havaccepting you grandmother as she is or starting a fued (since she already dilikes your aunt and  mother) over what she will wear and smell like.
    Good luck
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    ootmother2ootmother2 member
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    edited December 2011
    Neglecting to bath, change clothes, even not eating well with the elderly is called "self abuse" by professionals.

    I had an elderly uncle with this same problem so I called the social worker at the subsidized housing where he lived. Professionals know how to deal with this and it sounds as though your grandmother needs one.

    Anyone, her church, meals on wheels, any senior center can take charge of this problem and you won't have to be involved unless they tell you that your help is needed.  My uncle lived in San Francisco and I'm in NYC so his social worker would call me.  No other family wanted to get involved with him so I did.

    Withing a couple of months, he was getting up, showering and shaving and taking some care with his dress.  I did send some money, not much, to the social worker so she could purchase what he needed.

    He passed about two years after but at least I knew that I had at least tried to help.
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    blahblah85blahblah85
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You need to get your grandma professional help.  My grandpa stopped bathing, too.  He was forgetting to bathe because he had dementia. 
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    6fsn6fsn member
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    edited December 2011
    Agreed that your grandma needs more than a spit shine for your wedding.  She needs some professional help.
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    *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_grandma-stinks-literallyno-one-knows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:e0778880-5ee9-4af4-8f38-314dfd20e7cdPost:b01f6155-b115-47eb-a59a-0af97f3542ad">My grandma stinks LITERALLY...no one knows what to do</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well the subject pretty much says it all.  My grandmother lives alone and does so quite well but lately my parents are having a problem with her.  It seems she smells AWFUL.  Her usual smell is of cigs and cat litter but according to my dad (who refuses to ever say anything bad about anyone until now it seems)... that smell would be welcomed cuz now she has TERRIBLE B.O. I haven't seen her in a while but my parents and brothers swear its bad. <strong> This is coming from a family of farmers who showers once a week or so and smells animal feces all day</strong> which leads me to believe it must be BAD! My dad thinks my mom should talk to my grandma about it cuz she's a woman and my mom thinks my dad should cuz its his mother.  They are concerned about her smelling for my wedding.   They are also concerned the woman won't dress up because she is not happy (she's kinda nuts and feels that this much like my parents wedding is making her "look old" she's in her 70's). My grandma is an endless source of problems from her terrible attitude and deminer to her seeminly hatred for one of her daughters and my mother. How to we tell her to clean up and dress up?  
    Posted by secretbride1988[/QUOTE]

    really, it sounds like your whole family stinks. WTF @ showering every week or so?!

    i would suggest that everyone involved get professional help.
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    GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I'm going to echo 'professional help'

    Because elder neglect and the ravages of old age and slipping skills aren't something that falls into the 'you talk to her, she's your mom, nuh-uh, you talk to her because she's femal' category as much as they fall into the 'we need to fix this and make sure she's not harming herself' category.
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    secretbride1988secretbride1988 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ha dementia or the other thing oh no she's been like this FOREVER! like since she was 20 i'd lean more towards depression
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    secretbride1988secretbride1988 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ok I agree with those that say the way she looks will not reflect on me but on her.  she's not my problem
    she's been like this forever. just weird.  the only way to describe it is that she has NEVER been happy and no one knows what to do to make her happy.  Depression maybe but mostly just a cynical person.
    My dad married at age 21 and this bothered her cuz he made her look old.  When I was born she was FURIOUS at the thought of becoming a grandma. she told my mom not to get TOO attached to me
    when my grandpa was still around and not really with it (huntingtons) she would complain that "all he does is talk about the past" like he could even help it!

    She picks a fight with EVERYONE. you could tell her that the sky is blue and she would have an arguement for it.  My dad says she was like this even when she was in her 20's.  Its just how she is.  
    She doesn't take care of herself btw refuses to get dentures (like 5 teeth are left) and is just awful in general.  My mom says if anyone approaches her about this she will most likely tell them they are wrong and to  off (hell if anyone told her she looked nice she might tell them to eff off too...she's nuts)



    I've come to this conclusion: yes she is my grandma but she is NOT my problem. I often forget she is my grandma.  When the other grandmas look super nice and have their hair just so she will take notice and she will feel bad NOT me.  When she is sitting there talking bad about everything at the wedding (much like my shower) she will look bad NOT me.  I have also taken this approach to my bridesmaids.  As long as I do everything to insure that I look great then it will be fine.
    I also need to take into consideration that my grandma has two other kids who are not married and have no kids of their own...and for just one day she can be their problem not my parents. Cuz my parents need to enjoy this day and I'm pretty sure they have had enough of my grandma and her rude attitude.

    Thanks everyone.  And as far as proffessional help...1. She would be pissed cuz that would make her "look old"   2.  She would refuse it...and bitch to anyone who was for it.

    Yes the woman is often IMPOSSIBLE 

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    Queen JaneQueen Jane member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_grandma-stinks-literallyno-one-knows?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:e0778880-5ee9-4af4-8f38-314dfd20e7cdPost:9b2e3f02-870c-41ee-b1da-cf9269547a93">Re: My grandma stinks LITERALLY...no one knows what to do</a>:
    [QUOTE]ok I agree with those that say the way she looks will not reflect on me but on her.  she's not my problem she's been like this forever. just weird.  the only way to describe it is that she has NEVER been happy and no one knows what to do to make her happy.  Depression maybe but mostly just a cynical person. My dad married at age 21 and this bothered her cuz he made her look old.  When I was born she was FURIOUS at the thought of becoming a grandma. she told my mom not to get TOO attached to me when my grandpa was still around and not really with it (huntingtons) she would complain that "all he does is talk about the past" like he could even help it! She picks a fight with EVERYONE. you could tell her that the sky is blue and she would have an arguement for it.  My dad says she was like this even when she was in her 20's.  Its just how she is.   She doesn't take care of herself btw refuses to get dentures (like 5 teeth are left) and is just awful in general.  My mom says if anyone approaches her about this she will most likely tell them they are wrong and to  off (hell if anyone told her she looked nice she might tell them to eff off too...she's nuts) I've come to this conclusion: yes she is my grandma but she is NOT my problem. <strong>I often forget she is my grandma.  When the other grandmas look super nice and have their hair just so she will take notice and she will feel bad NOT me.  When she is sitting there talking bad about everything at the wedding (much like my shower) she will look bad NOT me.  I have also taken this approach to my bridesmaids.</strong>  <strong>As long as I do everything to insure that I look great then it will be fine.</strong> I also need to take into consideration that my grandma has two other kids who are not married and have no kids of their own...and for just one day she can be their problem not my parents. Cuz my parents need to enjoy this day and I'm pretty sure they have had enough of my grandma and her rude attitude. Thanks everyone.  And as far as proffessional help...1. She would be pissed cuz that would make her "look old"   2.  She would refuse it...and bitch to anyone who was for it. Yes the woman is often IMPOSSIBLE 
    Posted by secretbride1988[/QUOTE]

    I see a very lonely, catlady-esque future for you, my dear.
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