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csousa1
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What do I say to her?
Some of you may remember my post a few weeks ago about my best friend's 16 year old sister who tried to commit suicide. She was readmitted to the hospital to be watched for about 2 weeks, then she did a 6 day outpatient program and was doing a bit better, so I guess they decided to leave it at that. The last time I had talked to my friend, the doctors had made no plans to put her sister in any other program.
Last night her sister called her crying, saying she didn't feel safe at home and that she thought she may hurt herself and needed to go to the hospital. My friend immediately called her grandmother, who her sister was with, and told her to keep an eye on her until she got to the hospital and that she would call her dad. When she called him, the grandmother had already told him what was going on, so he was mad at my friend for not calling him right away. When he got to the hospital, he flipped out and said he couldn't take care of the sister anymore, that she was too much work, and that my friend or the state could have her but he was done. BFF's sister heard all of this.
So now, understandably, my friend is a mess. She is also fighting with her FI, who would not go to the hospital with her because she had already taken Tylenol PM and knew she would just pass out. BFF was of course upset by this, and an argument ensued. I guess FI was making comments under her breath about this happening again, and said that if Bri was really moving in then she would not be staying being that was too much. So BFF is not in good space right now.
She has been venting to me about it this morning, and I am so heartbroken for her. I cannot even imagine being in that situation. It makes me so nervous, though, to think of her taking her sister on as legal guardian. I think it is such a bad idea. I know she wants to be there for her sister and not "abandon" her like both of her parents have, but I just don't think it is wise to try to be her caregiver. She clearly needs constant care, and needs to be in a much longer program than she already has been. My friend is a nurse and her FI is a bartender, so they both work late into the night and her sister would be alone during this time. That is NOT acceptable. My friend is amazing, but she is a freaking 27 year old, she is not equipped to be the guardian of a suicidal 16 year old. I completely agreed with her that her FI needed to be more supportive, even though I am sure it is tough on her, but I mentioned that I think it would be too much for them to have her. She hasn't texted me back.
I am trying to just be there for her right now, as it is clear that she needs emotional support, but I am so worried about her making that decision. I know it is her choice, in the long run, but a big part of me hopes that if she did try for custody of her sister that she would lose. I feel terrible for her sister, and I know she would be miserable if she was handed over to the state, but I really think that would be best for her in the long run. Even if her father changes his mind and says he will take care of her, that may not be best. I think this girl needs to be in the hands of professionals until she has made some serious progress, for her own safety.
Am I awful for thinking about it this way? What would you say to my friend?
Last night her sister called her crying, saying she didn't feel safe at home and that she thought she may hurt herself and needed to go to the hospital. My friend immediately called her grandmother, who her sister was with, and told her to keep an eye on her until she got to the hospital and that she would call her dad. When she called him, the grandmother had already told him what was going on, so he was mad at my friend for not calling him right away. When he got to the hospital, he flipped out and said he couldn't take care of the sister anymore, that she was too much work, and that my friend or the state could have her but he was done. BFF's sister heard all of this.
So now, understandably, my friend is a mess. She is also fighting with her FI, who would not go to the hospital with her because she had already taken Tylenol PM and knew she would just pass out. BFF was of course upset by this, and an argument ensued. I guess FI was making comments under her breath about this happening again, and said that if Bri was really moving in then she would not be staying being that was too much. So BFF is not in good space right now.
She has been venting to me about it this morning, and I am so heartbroken for her. I cannot even imagine being in that situation. It makes me so nervous, though, to think of her taking her sister on as legal guardian. I think it is such a bad idea. I know she wants to be there for her sister and not "abandon" her like both of her parents have, but I just don't think it is wise to try to be her caregiver. She clearly needs constant care, and needs to be in a much longer program than she already has been. My friend is a nurse and her FI is a bartender, so they both work late into the night and her sister would be alone during this time. That is NOT acceptable. My friend is amazing, but she is a freaking 27 year old, she is not equipped to be the guardian of a suicidal 16 year old. I completely agreed with her that her FI needed to be more supportive, even though I am sure it is tough on her, but I mentioned that I think it would be too much for them to have her. She hasn't texted me back.
I am trying to just be there for her right now, as it is clear that she needs emotional support, but I am so worried about her making that decision. I know it is her choice, in the long run, but a big part of me hopes that if she did try for custody of her sister that she would lose. I feel terrible for her sister, and I know she would be miserable if she was handed over to the state, but I really think that would be best for her in the long run. Even if her father changes his mind and says he will take care of her, that may not be best. I think this girl needs to be in the hands of professionals until she has made some serious progress, for her own safety.
Am I awful for thinking about it this way? What would you say to my friend?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What do I say to her?
[QUOTE]I'm not sure what you should say, but depression is a crippling and horrible disease. For a 16 yr old I would imganie it is even worse. She definitely need professional medical help and likely a long stay in a treatment facility. <strong>But she will definitely need the love and support of family and friends.</strong> Being handed over to the state is probably only going to fuel the depression. SHe is crying out for help and needs help from everyon around her. If her dad/ grandmother can be there for her that would be best. But she will definitly need extended medicla support through therapy and medication. I agree it is not a great idea for your friend to take her in. Good luck with everything and I hope things get better for your friend. I work with a lot of mental illness organizations so PM me if yuo want any further information or to chat!
Posted by CCO2012[/QUOTE]
Oh I definitely agree. I'm not saying my friend should distance herself at all, I am just saying she shouldn't have custody. She would be there for her sister no matter what, and that is what she should do. Her father has usually been great support as well, it surprised me that he flipped and said those things. But apparently he regrets it, and I know he would be there for his daughter as well, as would her grandparents. I just want her sister to get the attention she needs from the people who are licensed to take care of this.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do I say to her? : Oh I definitely agree. I'm not saying my friend should distance herself at all, I am just saying she shouldn't have custody. She would be there for her sister no matter what, and that is what she should do. Her father has usually been great support as well, it surprised me that he flipped and said those things. But apparently he regrets it, and I know he would be there for his daughter as well, as would her grandparents. I just want her sister to get the attention she needs from the people who are licensed to take care of this.
Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]
Absolutely! I wasn't insinuating that at all. I agree she should not take custody. But, her father is probably the best bet if he is willing to continue to be supportive.
What she wants/needs from you is objective, complete support. For whatever she decides to do. Just let her know that you're there for her and would be happy to talk through the situation with her and be her sounding board, but try to leave it at that.
Chances are that just having someone do that for her will help her gain a lot of clarity.
[QUOTE] My friend is a nurse and her FI is a bartender, so they both work late into the night and her sister would be alone during this time. That is NOT acceptable. My friend is amazing, but she is a freaking 27 year old, she is not equipped to be the guardian of a suicidal 16 year old.
Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]
THIS. Your BFF should not sacrifice her life for the well-being of her sister. Her sister needs professional help and support from her sister, not her sister to become her parent. Bad idea, all around.
I had mentioned previously my own battles with keeping my sister alive. And I had to come to the point of bitter, hard realization/clarity: I am not responsible for her. I can't stop her from killing herself. I can only be here waiting for her to come back from whatever hell she's in, but I sure as heck can't make the journey for her... and I can't make it with her either.
Married! May 27th, 2012
[QUOTE]I don't think it's your place to talk your friend out of or into any particular course of action concerning her sister. I understand your concern, and know that it comes from the best of intentions, but put yourself in her shoes. What she wants/needs from you is objective, complete support. For whatever she decides to do. Just let her know that you're there for her and would be happy to talk through the situation with her and be her sounding board, but try to leave it at that. Chances are that just having someone do that for her will help her gain a lot of clarity.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]
You are absolutely right, and I am glad I did this. The only comment I made was when she was telling me how pissed she was at her FI for saying she couldn't handle having her sister live there - I said that I was sorry that her FI has made such a strong statement, and that while I agree that it would be a lot to take on, I wished her FI had kept her mouth shut and just been supportive when she needed it. I didn't know if she might be mad at me for sounding like I agreed.
She did just text me and say that her sister is going into another program, and that she and her FI worked through it and her FI apologized profusely for coming off the wrong way. She also said that she knows she shouldn't have custody of her sister, and that she needs more help than she can give. I'm glad she is thinking of it in terms of what is best for her sister, and I plan on just being supportive and letting her come to her own conclusions. TBH, if she asks my honest opinion I won't lie to her, but I also won't offer it without being asked. It's more important to just be there for her. </p>
[QUOTE]I don't think it's your place to talk your friend out of or into any particular course of action concerning her sister. I understand your concern, and know that it comes from the best of intentions, but put yourself in her shoes. <strong>What she wants/needs from you is objective, complete support. For whatever she decides to do. Just let her know that you're there for her and would be happy to talk through the situation with her and be her sounding board, but try to leave it at that.</strong> Chances are that just having someone do that for her will help her gain a lot of clarity.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Co-signed, me</div><div>
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[QUOTE]I don't think you have to say anything. Just listen...be there for her. And do a nice thing for her to cheer her up...like coming over with takeout or getting a mani/pedi.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]
This. I remember reading a story (as in, true story) by a guy who had been severely depressed. A friend came over and just gave him foot massages every day. Didn't try to cheer him up, didn't tell him what to do or that things would get better. Just sat with him and did something caring and helpful. I think there's something to that.
Blog: A New Yorker in Duluth
Updated 8/8/11
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do I say to her? : Co-signed, me
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]
I love when we agree.
I'm ok with it when we don't, of course, but yeah.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do I say to her? : She did just text me and say that her sister is going into another program, and that she and her FI worked through it and her FI apologized profusely for coming off the wrong way. She also said that she knows she shouldn't have custody of her sister, and that she needs more help than she can give. I'm glad she is thinking of it in terms of what is best for her sister, and I plan on just being supportive and letting her come to her own conclusions. TBH, if she asks my honest opinion I won't lie to her, but I also won't offer it without being asked. It's more important to just be there for her.
Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]
Glad to hear they were able to work through it and find a good place for her.
I'd still take her out for a mani/pedi.
[QUOTE]I think becoming a warden of the state would be the worst thing possible for a suicidal 16 year old girl. The foster care system and group homes are usually pretty horrible. The kids in group homes and some of those in foster care tend to be very delinquent. I would hope my sister who is ten years older than me would neever have let that happen to me.
Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]
I see where you are coming from with this, but I am referring more to her being placed in the longest program possible in a mental facility where people are trained to deal with suicidal teenagers, not their emotionally drained elder sisters. I understand that what her sister wants for herself is most likely to be with my friend, but she also thought that the best choice was to overdose on anti-depressants and kill herself. She is unwell, she is not able to make good decisions for herself, and she needs to be somewhere where people can help her through her depression so that she can become well. I love my friend, but she is not that person. I am not only worried about my friend, I truly believe that if her sister is just placed with her without ALL of the help she needs, she may succeed in killing herself.
[QUOTE]It looks like all is working out well. I'd still take her out for a mani/pedi. :)
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]
That is so cute!
Lunar, Desert & Shoes -Yes, mani/pedi's are in order. When she and her ex-FI broke up, I showed up at her door with a funny movie, a box of tissues, a pint of Haagen-Dazs and a 12-pack of her favorite beer and said, "Whatever you need right now, I'm up for it." She said that was the best response a friend had ever had to her being upset. So, I will just keep that up!
Marley - That is such a sweet story! It is little acts of kindness like that, that restore people's faith in the world.
I wish I had a friend like you IRL too.
[QUOTE]Sousa- I'm not AT ALL surprised that you are such a good friend!! I wish I had a friend like you IRL too. :) Maybe my "Susan" is just around the corner...
Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]
Aww I would be your IRL friend in a heartbeat! Stupid Colorado and Mass not being next to each other....