De-bridesmaid

kevinandmonica2011 · August 2010

So... I would love to get some opinions back on this one....

He pops the question, you get the ring, you scream and laguh and cry and jump up and down as you send texts and make calls.... next thing you know you are asking everyone and their brother to be in your wedding...
ok not quite that dramatic, but you know how it goes, right?

My dilemma: In April, right after I got engaged, I asked my 4 closest friends to be in my wedding... then another and finally a sixth. Life was good. Then the summer came...

One of my bridesmaids just kind of drifted apart from our little "group" of friends. No calls... very rarely texts... and I haven't seen her since school got out in May. Weird, right? I really kinda sorta don't want her to be in the wedding anymore... BUT... I am having a really difficult time figuring out how to tell her. It's not like we had a huge fight or falling out... we just kind of drifted apart... and I would really like her to be around during all of the planning and fun. Not that I am desperate for the help, but I always kind of pictured my bridesmaids actually being a part of my life after the wedding... and she has fallen off the planet before everything is even in full force. I think I really kind of just jumped the gun by asking her in the first place, but obviously I can't take it back now. Ugh... stupid big excited mouth. I really should just learn to ZIP IT!!!

Anyway... I know the de-bridesmaid topic is not the sort of conversation that should be had via email, facebook, letter or anything else... but it is nearly impossible to arrange a face to face with her. She is just not there.

In addition to this mess, 4 of us (myself and 3 of my bridesmaids... one of them being the problem one) all go to school together. It is going to be a really awkward year if I give her the boot and she has to hear the rest of us just planning and babbling away, ya know?

My MOH suggested that I try to find a way to basically make dropping out of the bridal party her decision... like suggestively put the words in her mouth and be super understanding when she tells me that she just can't do it... but I am really not good at that kind of stuff.

Any ideas???

neonorchid · August 2010

I actually talked my MOH into dropping out and thinking it was her idea. She has always been my bff, but she started being really negative about everything, including the wedding. She acted like she was doing me such a huge favor by being in it because she's shy and doesnt like that kinda attention. Then I found out she told my parents I shouldnt be getting married, and that was the last straw.

The problem was that her sister is bff with my mom, so our families have been extremely close for about 10 years. I didnt want to drop her and deal with all the drama for everyone. I knew she hates public speaking, so I just kept talking about the speech she would have to make and I could feel her getting nervous. I told her I wouldnt be mad if she didnt want to stand up and iI would be happy as long as she came. So she dropped out and now says how shes such a bad friend lol. I know it sounds mean, but I didnt want an MOH that thinks I shouldnt be getting married.

jnic0319 · August 2010

I really think you have to stick it out. You will completely destroy any sort of friendship if you kick her out. Have you tried talking to her about non WR stuff? I had a similar experience and I just talked to the person and said I completely understand if your life is to busy, and I will still love you and be your friend even if you can't be in the wedding. She said no she was committed and while I rarely hear from her- she bought the dress and attended the bridal shower, so what more can I ask?

kevinandmonica2011 · August 2010

Thank you so much for the advice.

jnic- I would love to talk to her about non-wedding stuff, but I barely talk to her... like at all. It's really sad. We were close during the school year and I thought the wedding would bring us closer... but I guess school is the main or only thing we have in common now. =(

I am hoping to get a chance to sit down with her over lunch or something and find out what's going on. I almost feel like she is avoiding me (and the other bridesmaids as well). It's weird.

neonorchid- I like the way you think! It sounds evil, but I think if you make it feel like it is their idea and you are totally ok with it, then it kind of keeps the peace.

I would hate to lose a friend over this whole mess, but it kind of feels like we are already beginning to go our seperate ways.

Thank you again for your advice and I can't wait to hear what everyone else has to say.

soon2bjnsc · August 2010

I had the same situation. I can't say I handled it great--I put a lot of thought into what I said to her (via email) and she didn't respond until 6 months later. Well, I don't count her crying and yelling at my fiancee at their work as a response...the other posters are right--you have to be prepared for the worst to happen and for you to not be friends anymore and if you are ok with that (as I was), then go for it. You had it right to make it like you are doing her a favor; but I always think that if *you* are feeling this way, she likely is too. do yourselves both a favor and address it in some way like an adult. Even if it is by email (which is crappy, but it needed to be said). Good luck with this and let us know how it goes

KD+BC · August 2010

I think you should call her and say, "it's been a long time since we've really talked is anything going on?" Work on your friendship. Don't even bring up the BM thing. If she says that she's been busy or that nothing is wrong then say, "did I do anything to offend you, it seems like you have fallen off the face of the earth." See what she has to say. Chances are, if she's pulling away, she'll pull herself out of the wedding party.

On the off chance that something really is wrong, she's going to need you to be there as her friend, not as the bride to her bridesmaid. Or maybe she just needs a reminder to stay in touch more effectively.

C*Mia · August 2010

I was MOH earlier this year and I was completely shocked my friend picked me (and honored of course) but her old roommate expected the title and was only a BM. There was a lot of other drama with the wedding too. Anyhoo. The bride and the MOH wannabe got into a heated discussion one day on the phone and the BM and I hung out the next day and she flat out told me that I didn't deserve the position because she was closer with her. (sorry kinda long) Well, the BM ended up writing the bride a 4 pg letter about their friendship and what she expected from her and then it was over. They don't speak at all.

This is a worst case scenario but these 2 girls were the best of friends. I think you def need to work on the friendship aspect first and then bring the BM part up. If you discover after trying to rebuild the friendship that it is just really dead then be honest with her. The consequences are bigger but you have less of a chance that someone else who knows that you tricked her into quitting blabs on you. Girls are pety and sometimes just big B's! I wish you luck! i've witnessed some of the worst bride/BM relationships and it was messy messy!

De-bridesmaid

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