STRESS! STRESS! STRESS!

cassieeeg · December 2010

So... Both my fiance and I have HUGE families. But I want a small wedding party.. Like 3 or 4 bridesmaids with an equal amount of groomsmen.... He's having his cousin as the best man, my brother, his godbrother, and one of his friends as the groomsmen.. And I feel like I'm having such a stressful time... With such a huge family I have A LOT of girl cousins, more so than boy cousins. I'm choosing 3-4 of my closest friends to save me the stress and drama of picking and choosing from my cousins. My family always says "you can't invite one and not the other", so I have made the decision to not have any of my family in my wedding party. One of my cousin's called me today and asked if she was going to be in the wedding and when I said I wasn't doing family because it would be too much drama she got really upset... Am I doing the right thing? I feel like ultimately it's the right decision, but at the same time I feel like a HUGE jerk.

AdeleDazeem · December 2010

Yes, you're doing the right thing. I'm sorry your cousin got upset, but you are right when you say if you invite one cousin, you will have to invite them all. You drew a very clear line and are now sticking to it. Don't cave, either. That will make a royal mess.

Token: sides don't have to be even.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

From the looks of your bio, your wedding isn't until 2012. I would advise waiting to ask anyone (this goes for both sides) until you are about 6-9 months out. There is a lot of time between now and your wedding and friendships can change. You could avoid a lot of this undue stress by just telling your friends and Mom that you will decide who you are going to ask when it gets closer to your wedding date.

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

Yes you are fine. It was kind of rude for your cousin to ask anyway; that was inappropriate. Stick with what you've got but realize sides don't have to be even and let's say you have 20 cousins. It's OK to only ask some of them, as well. It would be fairly impossible for most brides to ask EVERY person in their family to be in their WP and they should understand.

tldh · December 2010

You are not in the wrong here by any measure. Your cousin was incredibly rude to ask if she was going to be a bridesmaid. I would avoid giving any negative reasons for your decision that you should make 6-9 months before your wedding. Saying "these girls are the closest women in my life" instead of "my cousins aren't in it because it would cause too much drama" will go over much better."

tldh · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_stress-stress-stress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:954bfe69-def7-4456-937a-b17cb3d7e47ePost:dbf5fa7c-e7e7-4174-a56d-358aa51de5da">STRESS! STRESS! STRESS!</a>:
[QUOTE]So... Both my fiance and I have HUGE families. But I want a small wedding party.. Like 3 or 4 bridesmaids with an equal amount of groomsmen.... He's having his cousin as the best man, my brother, his godbrother, and one of his friends as the groomsmen.. And I feel like I'm having such a stressful time... With such a huge family I have A LOT of girl cousins, more so than boy cousins. I'm choosing 3-4 of my closest friends to save me the stress and drama of picking and choosing from my cousins. My family always says "you can't invite one and not the other", so I have made the decision to not have any of my family in my wedding party. One of my cousin's called me today and asked if she was going to be in the wedding and when I said I wasn't doing family because it would be too much drama she got really upset... Am I doing the right thing? I feel like ultimately it's the right decision, but at the same time I feel like a HUGE jerk.
Posted by cassieeeg[/QUOTE]

JIC

Manwaithiel · December 2010

Your sides don't have to be even. Don't dictate your FI's side for him.

mbcdefg · December 2010

You're not wrong to want to keep things small, or to take a "I can't ask just one of you so I won't ask any" approach.

However, I DO think you're adding a ton of unnecessary stress onto your plate by (a) insisting on even sides in the bridal party, and (b) choosing a bridal party over a year in advance. Wait on it a while if you haven't made the announcement already. And if you HAVE made the announcement, then to avoid wedding burnout please don't get your bridal party involved this early on ... just chill out and talk with them about non-wedding-related things until it's time to get their dresses, which is about 5 or 6 months before your wedding day. Or even a month or two beforehand, if you want to go the department store/J. Crew/AnnTaylor/wear anything you want in a specific color route.

lalap69 · December 2010

There's nothing wrong with only picking friends to be in your WP, especially if they're the people closest to you. If you are really close with some cousins and not as close with others, however, I wouldn't see a problem with only asking those you're closest to if you really want them there. But who to have in your WP is your decision. It was rude of your cousin to ask, but you shouldn't be giving her any reasons for your decision. It won't go over well. Just tell her that you've decided to keep it friends-only and change the subject.

missymr · December 2010

The best advice I got was to think a) what you want your bridesmaids to do and b) who you want to stand up with you.

It's amazing to me what people do to try and worm their way into a bridal party.

I have a friend who told me when I first started dating my fiance that I had to give her enough time to lose her baby weight before getting married because she didn't want to look fat in a bridesmaids dress. I wasn't annoyed at the time because I wasn't even thinking about getting married then. But she asked me immediately when I got engaged who my bridesmaids were going to be and it reminded me.

I never really had planned to ask her. I still am not entirely sure she won't be pissed off when she finds out I'm having two bridesmaids and she's not one of them. (I think she thinks I'm only having a maid of honour).

For me the stress of choosing bridesmaids was that picking a maid of honour was easy. I have one best friend who I've known almost my entire life and who is almost always the first person I call when I have good or bad news.

But after that I wasn't sure I even wanted a more than one bridesmaid and if I did, who it would be. There were/are a lot of people who might think they would be that "next" in line to be a bridesmaid.

I did eventually ask another friend as well because I realized when I was talking to her about getting engaged that I really wanted her to be a bridesmaid. I didn't have that feeling with anyone else, and if I had asked anyone else it would have been over guilt not because I really wanted them to be in the bridal party.

I thought about who I could rely on and trust to be honest and helpful as I am planning and who I wanted to be there in the days leading up to the wedding to keep me from going off the deep end. Who I want there as I'm getting ready and who I want there to keep me calm in the minutes before I walk down the aisle.

bablingbrooke · December 2010

While I agree with most of what you just said, missy, I need to point out something that doesn't usually end well for most people:

Don't pick your BMs based on who will help plan. That's asinine, a set-up for disappointment, and something the BMs aren't responsible for. And if you need to be "calmed down" minutes before you walk down the aisle, you aren't doing it right. You should be excited, not freaked out.

squeakyduck · December 2010

Are you and this cousin close? Because if you love her and want her there, you should have her there regardless of what the other cousins think.

If your cousin is your best friend, there is no reason to exclude her because your other cousins will feel hurt. If you two are close, the others will not begrudge you your friendships. (or they shouldn't anyways) And most people understand that we can't all have 20+ wedding parties.

OP, please be careful, because if you and your cousin are close, this could have been hurtful to her.

But, if you are closer to your friends, is someone asks, just say what PPs have said, it's still a long time out, and you haven't chosen anyone yet. (even if you have.) Or say that you've made your decision and while she is very important to you, you couldn't have everyone you love, and had to make some tough choices.

jenn.daniel · December 2010

Actually, I don't see anything wrong with asking just one or 2 cousins to be in the WP. If you'd wanted to do that, it's fine, as is what you're planning on doing.

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