Future Mother In Law Issues?

BiancaLab · July 2010

During this entire planning process my fiance's mother has driven me nuts, because I can't get a read on whether or not she likes me. A while back I sent an email to both sets of parents (his and mine) to inform them that the guest list was at capacity so we can't add anymore people, and she responded telling (not asking) me to add two people and their 24 year old daughter (which my fiance is NOT friends with) to the list. It was all down hill from there...last week the future in laws came out for a visit. She said she'd like to see my dress, and I showed it to her, and then when my fiance was around she started to talk about how it looks! I almost died! Luckily, she stopped herself and he didn't notice. Then while eating dinner at the table she said, "Have you worked out doing your vows with the Catholic Church when you get back, since you know October doesn't count." I got really ticked, but didn't say anything because it wasn't the place. But to say getting married at my home church on our WEDDING DAY doesn't count just really irked me. We were going to get married in the Catholic church, but the church dropped the ball, so we're getting married in the Episcopal Church I grew up in, AND we're having a Catholic Priest assist in the ceremony, and she's still not pleased with that! It just bugs me! And then before they were leaving I said, "I'm sorry you have to leave! It would be nice if you could stay the rest of the week..." she didn't say anything like, "oh that's nice...but we have to get back." NO! Nothing just a flat out "I want to get back home." I can't get a read on this woman!

Any advice?

zitiqueen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_future-mother-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f464a893-6597-4720-956b-a7325b1125faPost:69064046-14af-4edf-8666-1ed72de29fb6">Future Mother In Law Issues?</a>:
[QUOTE]During this entire planning process my fiance's mother has driven me nuts, because I can't get a read on whether or not she likes me. A while back I sent an email to both sets of parents (his and mine) to inform them that the guest list was at capacity so we can't add anymore people, and she responded telling (not asking) me to add two people and their 24 year old daughter (which my fiance is NOT friends with) to the list. It was all down hill from there...last week the future in laws came out for a visit. She said she'd like to see my dress, and I showed it to her, and then when my fiance was around she started to talk about how it looks! I almost died! Luckily, she stopped herself and he didn't notice. Then while eating dinner at the table she said, "Have you worked out doing your vows with the Catholic Church when you get back, since you know October doesn't count." I got really ticked, but didn't say anything because it wasn't the place. But to say getting married at my home church on our WEDDING DAY doesn't count just really irked me. We were going to get married in the Catholic church, but the church dropped the ball, so we're getting married in the Episcopal Church I grew up in, AND we're having a Catholic Priest assist in the ceremony, and she's still not pleased with that! It just bugs me! And then before they were leaving I said, "I'm sorry you have to leave! It would be nice if you could stay the rest of the week..." she didn't say anything like, "oh that's nice...but we have to get back." NO! Nothing just a flat out "I want to get back home." I can't get a read on this woman! Any advice?
Posted by BiancaLab[/QUOTE]

Where is your FI in all of this?

MuchkinsRCool · July 2010

Sounds like a piece of work. I have a MIL like that too. expect worse. There have been days I wanted to physically harm her. I won't allow this women to have anything to do with my wedding. Don't get me started on her though! I was told that my MIL may never like and if she still does to start to like me it wont be until I have children. That will be far to late. She is very attached to Shawn and it kills me. Just try to ignore that crap she puts you through and make sure your financee knows your will not tolorate her crap and you will not tolorate being treated like that.

zitiqueen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_future-mother-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f464a893-6597-4720-956b-a7325b1125faPost:a3d4ca1f-2c1d-4522-8a0b-d5a4f08dad1a">Re: Future Mother In Law Issues?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like a piece of work. I have a MIL like that too. expect worse. There have been days I wanted to physically harm her. I won't allow this women to have anything to do with my wedding. Don't get me started on her though! I was told that my MIL may never like and if she still does to start to like me it wont be until I have children. That will be far to late. She is very attached to Shawn and it kills me. Just try to ignore that crap she puts you through and make sure your financee knows your will not tolorate her crap and you will not tolorate being treated like that.
Posted by MuchkinsRCool[/QUOTE]

And where is your H when she's treating you badly?

BiancaLab · July 2010

He says that she does like me, she's just hard to read. And he told her she's not allowed to do any planning with the wedding really. I mean, she does have some nice moments. She helped me finish a quilt I had started and then helped me start another one. But when I said, "Oh this is so neat! When Chris and I have a baby, it will use a quilt that we both made!" She said in a monotone voice, "Yeah. That's neat."

At times I think that she hasn't quite cut the umbilical cord so it's hard for her to realize that there's another woman in his life.

Chris (my fiancée) said that she's just a hard person to read, and if she didn't like me he'd know it.

Kristin789 · July 2010

>>because I can't get a read on whether or not she likes me.

Who cares?
You aren't looking to date her. You aren't looking to be her friend. You aren't hoping to make her your friend... or are you?

No no no no. She's NOT your friend. You are two totally different people. She communicates in a totally different way from you and the people you know. If the two of you took the same cooking class, there's no way that you two would click up and be partners.

You only know her because she is FI'S MOM. So let her just be FI'S MOM. Period. Leave her be.

Your FI already told you that she's just weird and trying to deal with her son growing up and getting married which will end the best part of her life being an unmarried son's mother. Now YOU are in the picture, and she KNOWS it - and she helped with the quilt and all, but it's tough for her. It's tough for her that her son isn't getting married in the CathChurch in a traditional ceremony - she'd understand that. But now YOU are in the picture, so now her son is getting married somewhere else in another way that she doesn't understand and doesn't totally accept. So she blurts out stuff (FI should talk to her about that) and you get "really ticked."

Well, you can only change your reaction to things, so you need to find a way to understand more about how very different her son's life has become in the last year than when she expected it to be... And then you won't be hurt or really ticked anymore. You will feel sorry that she's been thrown for several loops, and you will trust that FI will talk to her so that these outbursts/blurts stop or at least occur much less frequently.

zitiqueen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_future-mother-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f464a893-6597-4720-956b-a7325b1125faPost:5c36358e-d8c5-45b8-94c0-c1904570ea35">Re: Future Mother In Law Issues?</a>:
[QUOTE]He says that she does like me, she's just hard to read. And he told her she's not allowed to do any planning with the wedding really. I mean, she does have some nice moments. She helped me finish a quilt I had started and then helped me start another one. But when I said, "Oh this is so neat! When Chris and I have a baby, it will use a quilt that we both made!" She said in a monotone voice, "Yeah. That's neat." At times I think that she hasn't quite cut the umbilical cord so it's hard for her to realize that there's another woman in his life. Chris (my fiancée) said that she's just a hard person to read, and if she didn't like me he'd know it.
Posted by BiancaLab[/QUOTE]

So in other words, your FI does nothing but tell you to suck it up.

Is he doing anything to encourage his mother to cut the umbilical cord?

mysticl · July 2010

She just may not be a warm and fuzzy kinda person. Not so into the sentimental stuff. As for your wedding not counting because it isn't Catholic. Well, if she's Catholic and follows the rules of her faith, what you are doing isn't going to be good enough for her and it won't count until you say your Catholic vows. I'm not Catholic but I have enough friends who are and who have been married in the Catholic church that I'm surprised you found a priest willing to assist at your wedding. They tend to be very strict about that.

wwnbw · July 2010

I've been with my FI for over 2 years. i can't read my MIL either...sometimes i felt like she really didn't like me and other times i thought she wasn't just an open kind of person. well....FI and mom were fighting and she came to me and said there were many things she has wanted to say to me and hasn't. i told her i'd much rather tell me then be fake to my face and her next words were "F**K OFF"....WOW didn't see that coming! now 60 days out from the wedding this is what i have on my hands! women are nuts....i've noticed they become much more nuts when they feel they are "losing" thier sons.

zitiqueen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_future-mother-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f464a893-6597-4720-956b-a7325b1125faPost:c3454609-df03-4449-805e-1d5a262b57bc">Re: Future Mother In Law Issues?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been with my FI for over 2 years. i can't read my MIL either...sometimes i felt like she really didn't like me and other times i thought she wasn't just an open kind of person. well....FI and mom were fighting and she came to me and said there were many things she has wanted to say to me and hasn't. i told her i'd much rather tell me then be fake to my face and her next words were "F**K OFF"....WOW didn't see that coming! now 60 days out from the wedding this is what i have on my hands! women are nuts....i've noticed they become much more nuts when they feel they are "losing" thier sons.
Posted by wwnbw[/QUOTE]

And what was your FI's reaction to this?

aerinpegadrak · July 2010

In my experience, if your FI does nothing to defend you to his mother, the problem isn't with her, it's with him.

zitiqueen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_future-mother-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f464a893-6597-4720-956b-a7325b1125faPost:c217a383-6232-45ef-bc5b-4e42b030fdea">Re: Future Mother In Law Issues?</a>:
[QUOTE]In my experience, if your FI does nothing to defend you to his mother, the problem isn't with her, it's with him.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Yep, I think I'm sensing a pattern in the zero responses to the "How did your FI react when his mother did that" question I've asked.

wwnbw · July 2010

he called her and she did nothing the whole phone call but bash me...i sat there and listened as he defended to the end. he told her what was what that until she is ready to apologize to me that we will have nothing to do with them...she said she would die before she would apologize. i have a really good man that is not afraid to stand up for what is right even if it is to his mom. she said she wasn't coming to the wedding and he said that if she didn't he would NEVER have anything to do with her (i know she will be there). i hope she apologizes for the sake of the family (we have kids..not together) but at the same time i HATE this woman now and i'd rather have nothing to do with her EVER. hate is a strong word but she crossed me in a way that i have never been crossed. this is going to affect us for the rest of her life. he has 3 brothers and one of their gf's (it changes who) is always not welcomed in the family...i guess it's just my turn. we are having our kids birthday party on the 8th and she said she wasn't coming but her husband informed me that they are now planning on coming. we will see how it goes...prolly tense and awkard. my guess is she won't even look me in the face but i guess it's a good test run to see how she will behave at the wedding.

wwnbw · July 2010

* i left of the AND...he told her what was what AND then told her we would have nothing to do with her....
he was not kind to her. i was kind of shocked with how he was talking to her but oh well she deserved it mom or not...nothing he said to her was untrue.

zitiqueen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_future-mother-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f464a893-6597-4720-956b-a7325b1125faPost:5eb55c31-3464-4e12-8fe9-6678a6688f33">Re: Future Mother In Law Issues?</a>:
[QUOTE]he called her and she did nothing the whole phone call but bash me...i sat there and listened as he defended to the end. he told her what was what that until she is ready to apologize to me that we will have nothing to do with them...she said she would die before she would apologize. i have a really good man that is not afraid to stand up for what is right even if it is to his mom. she said she wasn't coming to the wedding and he said that if she didn't he would NEVER have anything to do with her (i know she will be there). i hope she apologizes for the sake of the family (we have kids..not together) but at the same time i HATE this woman now and i'd rather have nothing to do with her EVER. hate is a strong word but she crossed me in a way that i have never been crossed. this is going to affect us for the rest of her life. he has 3 brothers and one of their gf's (it changes who) is always not welcomed in the family...i guess it's just my turn. we are having our kids birthday party on the 8th and she said she wasn't coming but her husband informed me that they are now planning on coming. we will see how it goes...prolly tense and awkard. my guess is she won't even look me in the face but i guess it's a good test run to see how she will behave at the wedding.
Posted by wwnbw[/QUOTE]

Actually it's a good test to see if your FI puts his money where his mouth is and refuses to let her in if she doesn't apologize to you. Because he said if she doesn't apologize to you, you guys will have nothing to do with them -- that includes birthday parties and weddings, right?

megk8oz · July 2010

Um ... not going to lie, I don't know how you're "not getting a read on her", because to me it sounds like she just doesn't like you. Sorry, but that's just what I'm seeing here.

Anyway, as long as you and your FI are on the same page about dealing with her (And he's not secretly placating her behind your back or something), then there really isn't much more that I can reccomend aside from avoiding discussing the wedding (Since that seems to cause the most tension) and trying to be civil to her.

And if you and your FI are not on the same page about how to deal with her ... then get on the same page quickly, or you're in for a lot of her bs for years to come after the "I Do's" are said.

BiancaLab · July 2010

Thanks for the advice gals! I think we'll see how it goes until the wedding...hopefully after the wedding her tone will change a bit.

@WWNBW: I can't believe that! That's just awful! It's nice that your FI stood up for you like that though! I hope things smooth between the two of you. I know my father's mother HATED my mom for the longest time...that's why I'm so worried about getting along with FI mom: I don't want the same relationship my mom had with her mother-in-law. Hopefully after the wedding she'll see that you're here to stay and learn to accept you!

BiancaLab · July 2010

@ Zititqueen: He says he's spoken to her to try and get her to calm down. I haven't really seen it, but I do believe him when he says it. There have been a few times he's been on the phone with her and he's told her to calm down and not to worry. Personally, I feel that he needs to be a little more curt with her.

wwnbw · July 2010

WE will have nothing to do with them but it is tricky once you have kiddos...i don't want her to come but what she did to me/him has nothing to do with the kids. he will only turn 3 once. and as far as the wedding...i think she should come (i don't want her there.). she should come and support her son no matter what. if she chooses not to come it's her decison. his brother is already married (july last year) and she wasn't invited to that one and i thought it was awful. no matter what a family is going through you only get married once (well twice for me LOL). we have talked it to death the past 2 weeks and i see him standing by my side to the end. she is a crazy one. i think she has serious issues with her sons...her husband of 13 years is 4 years older than my FI....it's the opposite of daddy issues HAHA

zitiqueen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_future-mother-law-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:f464a893-6597-4720-956b-a7325b1125faPost:269ee22d-c109-4772-b11d-d531f4a229e0">Re: Future Mother In Law Issues?</a>:
[QUOTE]@ Zititqueen: He says he's spoken to her to try and get her to calm down. I haven't really seen it, but I do believe him when he says it. There have been a few times he's been on the phone with her and he's told her to calm down and not to worry. Personally, I feel that he needs to be a little more curt with her.
Posted by BiancaLab[/QUOTE]

I'm sure the wedding ring will give him the balls he needs. Everybody knows wedding rings fix everything!

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