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Catholic Weddings

Jurisidiction and other crazy stuff going on

So I recently just got engaged, and we're not planning on getting married until June 2014. So honestly there's almost 2.5 years until then!

But I'm so excited and want to jump right into planning. On top of that, we're both college students living 2.5 hours away from where we will get married and I rarely go home. Like, last time I was home was at Christmas for four days, and before that I was home for a weekend in September. Since Spring Break is approaching, and both of us will actually be going home for 5 days, I wanted to meet with the church where I want to get married at. Let's call this Church 1.

The problem is, my family are members of a different Catholic church about 30 minutes away. Now, I went to school in the town where Church 1 is at. I actually went to a Catholic high school so being from the same town, we had a lot of events with Church 1 and I went there quite frequently. It is a truly beautiful church and I felt more of a connection with Church 1 than Church 2 where my family attends. When I got my license I would go to Church 1 on Sundays by myself while my family went to their home church.

Well I called Church 1 and explained all of this and explained how I wanted to get married there. But the lady (who was a total b****!) said that because my family is registered at Church 2, I am technically under their jurisdiction until I'm 22 or 23 (can't remember). Even though I personally hardly ever went to Church 2, I am still considered a member there. And they will not allow me to register as a member at Church 1 because what if getting married there is my only intent to becoming a member? So I would have to ask Church 2 priest if he would give permission for me to get married at the other church and if he would marry us.

So I call Church 2 to ask, and this lady tells me that because the priest had a stroke last year and is mainly in a wheelchair, he will no longer perform weddings at different churches, but if I found a different priest to do it, he would write the letter of permission.

So I knew exactly who I wanted - the priest who was actually one of my teachers for a year in high school, and is now ironically the priest where my fiance and I go to school. Small world. Anyway I asked him if he would marry us and he said yes and we have our first meeting with him next week.

So I e-mailed the lady from Church 1 explaning how the priest from Church 2 can't do it but my old teacher from high school would do it, and asking if that was okay and what our next steps were. No answer. This was over a week ago. I've also called twice since then, and no answer, no return calls, no nothing.

So now I'm stuck with what to do.
And frustrated.

I really want to register as a member at Church 1. I understand why they won't let me in case my only intention is to get married there or whatever. But when my fiance and I graduate, we're going to move back home and that is where we plan to go to church. And we're going to be graduating/moving back home about three months before the actual wedding. So will I still not be able to register as a member there because we aren't married yet? And we'll have to pay this ridiculous non-member fee and then get married and the next week register as members?

Like I said, this is all crazy and more confusing than anything. If anyone has any words of wisdom or advice, it would be greatly appreciated!

Re: Jurisidiction and other crazy stuff going on

  • Don't explain all this to a church secretary. They are given standard responses, that leave no room for real life exceptions.

    However, there IS legitamcy to "jurisdiction". We all belong to the parish in the boundaries we reside, even if we don't register. (This can also be "households" which is why you're considered to be in your parent's parish). There is a canonical reason for needing a pastor to give permission.

    You have a priest to marry you, and when you meet with him, tell him the whole story, including why you want to marry at church 1. He can take care of the canonical requirements. 

    Regarding the non-member fee though...that is legitimate as well, as people that are members are supposed to be tithing. You may have to pay non-member fee. 
  • The longest that I've EVER heard that you had to be a member is 2 years, to get the "member" rate. I know you're really impatient, but if I were you, I'd simply walk into the office and fill out a registration form. (Leave out the part about getting married-- it won't matter until closer to your wedding.) Even if you can hardly attend the church, then you should occasionally still try to use envelopes to mail in and give a little money to the church, so that they have a record of you being an "active" member. THEN (and this is where the patience comes in-- unless this is a hugely popular church with tons of weddings and you are completely inflexible on a date,) then just come back to them in about a year, and they can't help but seeing that you've been an active member for a year!

    You didn't say exactly how the lady at Church 1 was rude, but I do wonder if it has to do with your wanting to get things started so early (2.5 years is pretty early! 1-1.5 is even a bit long! Lots of Catholics walk in and want to get married in 6-9 months.) I'm wondering if you would simply get a better response from her if it were closer to the date? I mean, I worked in a parish office, and if someone came in and tried to start scheduling things for 2.5 years away, we *might* pencil it in for them (only if they were active parishioners,) but more likely we'd be like, "come back in a year."
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  • I agree with Lala.  A lot of people thought we were shooting for a November 2012 wedding when I started calling in October of 2010, and they all said we were wayyyy to early.  When I cleared up the misunderstanding, I got a lot more done.  =)
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  • But since I've already talked to the lady, if I went to register as a member now, wouldn't it "look suspicious?".

    She finallllllly e-mailed me back today and told me to fill out the paperwork to get married there but to not worry about paying the non-member fee for now and that we will revisit the issue when it is closer to the wedding date. So that sounds promising, right?

    The non-member fee is $1,000 without including the music and other associated fees. All of that included and we're looking at a little under $2k.

    I just don't think it's fair that I have to pay the non-member fee just because I'm not registered there, when (when I still lived in the area), I went to church there every single Sunday and have donated quite a bit. But of course since I wasn't registered, they had no record of that. I mean, I started going there when I was 16! It's not like anyone sat me down and said "Look, in case you want to get married here one day, you better register as a member." I had no idea about this kind of stuff back then (obviously) or else I would have registered, kwim?
  • lalaith50lalaith50 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2012
    I assume you paid cash when you donated money in the past? (otherwise they SHOULD have a record of you. It's always better to not give cash in the collection basket!)

    Yeah, given that she's responded, I suppse my advice doesn't really apply anymore :-) But I do think that perhaps it wouldn't hurt, in addition to filling out the paperwork, to tell them/her that you do still want to be an official, registered member, and plan on acting as such.

    But I totally agree that it stinks we don't think about registering at a church until we need to! I know the reason I first registered at a parish was in college when I was with my first very-serious BF, and I found out it wouldn't hurt to be an official member there *in case* :-P
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_jurisidiction-and-other-crazy-stuff-going-on?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:a2c18c0e-e9ee-4011-9b71-c71d11b134b1Post:45d9d52c-f8e3-4737-bc85-7cdfa7544de1">Re: Jurisidiction and other crazy stuff going on</a>:
    [QUOTE]I assume you paid cash when you donated money in the past? (otherwise they SHOULD have a record of you. It's always better to not give cash in the collection basket!) Yeah, given that she's responded, I suppse my advice doesn't really apply anymore :-) But I do think that perhaps it wouldn't hurt, in addition to filling out the paperwork, to tell them/her that you do still want to be an official, registered member, and plan on acting as such. But I totally agree that it stinks we don't think about registering at a church until we need to! I know the reason I first registered at a parish was in college when I was with my first very-serious BF, and I found out it wouldn't hurt to be an official member there *in case* :-P
    Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]

    It's funny you say this.  My fiance and I were looking for the right church to become members at and we finally found the church that was right.  I never cared for the envelopes but my fiance said, no he wanted a record that he gave money every week.  I joked that it was the lawyer in him lol.  We settled right into the parish.  Then we became engaged.  We haven't been members for two years and no one has said anything about a member fee.  Maybe we'll be slammed with it later.
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  • Hmmm...I guess some places are more fluid about jurisdiction than others. I live less than 5 miles from church 1, but am registered in church 2, which is where I entered the Church (even though I lived less than 4 miles from church 3, LOL). They know in which "parish" I live, but I guess they may not care as long as I'm in the same diocese? It always interests me to see the differences where we all live!

    Linda 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_jurisidiction-and-other-crazy-stuff-going-on?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:a2c18c0e-e9ee-4011-9b71-c71d11b134b1Post:adbe4dde-70a7-4ccf-831d-1ad15074ce53">Re: Jurisidiction and other crazy stuff going on</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hmmm...I guess some places are more fluid about jurisdiction than others. I live less than 5 miles from church 1, but am registered in church 2, which is where I entered the Church (even though I lived less than 4 miles from church 3, LOL). They know in which "parish" I live, but I guess they may not care as long as I'm in the same diocese? It always interests me to see the differences where we all live! Linda 
    Posted by lmeade62[/QUOTE]
     
    I agree.  When I lived in Maine, our parish covered 22 miles (at least).  I live in a much more urban area where there are many Catholic Churches.  FI and I just went to different one's until we just found the right one.  But I do attend events at other parishes if I can not make it.  For example, today my parish did Stations of the Cross at noon when I am at work.  I went to a nearby parish (which is slightly closer to our house) for the 5:15 Stations of the Cross. 
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  • The parish closest to my future husband's house sent him to a parish one town over for RCIA because they had too little to offer someone who had already studied so much on his own. Our marriage will be registered where he's doing RCIA. [including a rite with the Bishop tonight. I can't attend, as I'm two counties north. Prayers, please]
  • This is so interesting. I have never heard of jurisdictions before. The city where I live has three Catholic churches. The church where my FI and I are registered and where we will be married is in a totally different town about 10 miles away. They never even mentioned anything about jurisdictions. In fact, their welcome packet said they have parishoners from seven cities and towns across the area.
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