Sister giving guilt trip. Help please?

s2bclark14 · August 2012

So, I'm having a very long engagement and since this is the case I have a lot of time to plan and every time wedding plans come up, my older sister assumes she is going to be the Matron of Honor. Unfortunatly, I do NOT want her to be it. But every time the wedding comes up and I tell her that she's more than likely not going to be in it or the bridal party at all, she puts me on this guilt trip about how I was Maid of Honor in both of her weddings (she's been married twice and she doesn't have many friends) and how she won't let her son be my ring bearer anymore (which is what the plan is). But anyways. We are having a 3 person each wedding party, due to our colors and for the grooms side, but also having a long engagement it's hard to make a full promise with that choice. So I'm just wondering if anybody has any advice, or has already gone through something like this, on what I can say or do to let my sister know that she's not in the bridal party. Thank you so much!

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

Your wedding is 11/26/2014 which means you should not be asking anyone to be in your WP much less discussing it with them until aroundValentines Day 2014. Whenever someone rings it up, tell them that you are not even going to start thinking about this until 2014. Relationships change and that is why you want to wait. Also, onlychoose te people you want therel; don't fill slots.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-giving-guilt-trip-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:99c0395f-c9cf-4658-92ad-ae02cda08b96Post:67b3f9f0-09c3-43bc-aa06-c73be08ac6eb">Re: Sister giving guilt trip. Help please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister giving guilt trip. Help please? : I'm aware of this, but apparently you missed the entire purpose of this post. I'm asking for help to tell my sister no. And if she isn't listening to me tell her no right now, then she still isn't going to listen to me "around Valentine's Day 2014." And, as far as the person I have already talked to, it's because she's in the military. And I'm aware that relationships change, I have said that in the original post. And I don't want to fill slots, which is why I'm needing help to see if anybody has been in this situation before. My sister lives very close to me and the wedding comes up a lot and when it does, she mentions how she's in it. But once again, you missed the entire point of my post and if you are not planning on giving any advice to the help that I'm asking for, then your comments are not needed here. Thank you.
Posted by s2bclark14[/QUOTE]

So, I'm having a very long engagement and since this is the case I have a lot of time to plan and every time wedding plans come up, my older sister goes into her being the Matron of Honor. Unfortunatly, I do NOT want her to be it. But every time I mention it and tell her that she's more than likely not going to be in it or the bridal party at all, she puts me on this guilt trip about how I was Maid of Honor in both of her weddings (she's been married twice and she doesn't have many friends) and how she won't let her son be my ring bearer anymore (which is what the plan is). But anyways. I have only one person in my 3 person bridal party, (I don't know if she's a regular bridesmaid of the Maid of Honor), but also having a long engagement it's hard to make a full promise with that choice. So I'm just wondering if anybody has any advice, or has already gone through something like this, on what I can say or do to let my sister know that she's not in the bridal party. Thank you so much!

Really? How else am I supposed to interpret what is bolded as you have a set number of positions in your WP?

You need to learn to change the subject every time she brings it up and not engage her in conversation. It's not easy but that is how you handle someone who will not shut up about your wedding. Or you can ask your mom for help and have her tell your sister to stop assuming she will be in your WP.

The reason I brought up that relationships change is because a year or so from now, your relationship with your sister could be different and you just might want her in your WP, no matter how remote that possibility seems now.

Oh, and you don't get to tell people how to respond to your posts. If I missed the point you were trying to make, you might want to make your question clearer next time.

s2bclark14 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-giving-guilt-trip-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:99c0395f-c9cf-4658-92ad-ae02cda08b96Post:2f7d265d-f6b6-478d-a748-08be79c937f5">Re: Sister giving guilt trip. Help please?</a>:
[QUOTE]These are open boards, and anyone can post here. You don't have the right to tell people to get off a thread, and this is a forum of adults. We don't tell other grownups how to talk. You got good advice. Put her off. Tell her you aren't thinking about the wedding party right now, and change the subject. Keep changing the subject. She cannot discuss this if you refuse to participate. When the time comes, you quietly ask those you wish, and say nothing to those you don't. If she says she's MOH, then you tell her, "Oh, your the sister of the bride! That's a special role in itself, so I made Julie my MOH." If she throws a fit, she throws a fit....which says a lot more about her maturity and sense of entitlement than anything else. She'll get over it.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
And if I can't tell anybody how to talk, then you shouldn't tell me how to talk. I'm asking for advice and to "put off this talk" isn't much help. If it's an issue now, it will be an issue then.
The only problem with not telling her about being in the party is that her son is our ring bearer. And then that brings up the whole issue. And yes, my sister is immature, which is why this is even a problem to being with.

MairePoppy · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-giving-guilt-trip-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:99c0395f-c9cf-4658-92ad-ae02cda08b96Post:0dd9ba8f-7660-416b-ba5a-df25841669e1">Sister giving guilt trip. Help please?</a>:
[QUOTE] We are having a 3 person each wedding party, due to our colors and for the grooms side, but also having a long engagement it's hard to make a full promise with that choice. So I'm just wondering if anybody has any advice, or has already gone through something like this, on what I can say or do to let my sister know that she's not in the bridal party. Thank you so much!
Posted by s2bclark14[/QUOTE]

What does the bolded part mean? Did you determine the number of people in your wedding party based on the number of colors you want?

GLB and Retread gave great advice. Wait until 6-9 months before your wedding date to pick your bms/moh.Then if you still want Junior to be your ring bearer, ask his mother for permission to ask him. If she places conditions on that request, then it's up to you whether to honor them or not. And it's up to your sister whether to allow her son to participate in your wedding.

Fluffernut · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-giving-guilt-trip-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:99c0395f-c9cf-4658-92ad-ae02cda08b96Post:44973cca-4fae-46ce-a514-5bc362bd2613">Re: Sister giving guilt trip. Help please?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister giving guilt trip. Help please? : And if I can't tell anybody how to talk, then you shouldn't tell me how to talk. I'm asking for advice and to "put off this talk" isn't much help. If it's an issue now, it will be an issue then. The only problem with not telling her about being in the party is that her son is our ring bearer. And then that brings up the whole issue. And yes, my sister is immature, which is why this is even a problem to being with.
Posted by s2bclark14[/QUOTE]

But you are asking for help on how to have this conversation with your sister, so really, she does get to give her opinion on what you should say or not say.

I would also say "we haven't made any decisions yet because it's too early." When she isn't asked and isn't involved in bridal party stuff as the wedding gets closer, she will get the hint. It sounds as if you've already told her she isn't in it. If she can't understand that, then maybe have your mom reiterate that to her.

s2bclark14 · August 2012

Okay. This is the fiance here. For all of you people trying to tell us how to plan our wedding can stop. Whenever we decide to start planning is completely our choice. We decided to have three people due to my best friend and two brothers (i didnt want to have to choose between two brothers. i love them both dearly). It was a very simple statement. "Those who have gone through something like this". If you haven't gone through the same thing, then please go to another post. Also, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. I think we all learned that as kids. You obviously do NOT know her sister. Postponing the inevitable is useless. Her son, our godson, is our ring bearer. So it needs to be talked about now, because if she decides that she doesn't want him in the wedding, then we need to find an alternative plan. All we want is for someone that has gone through the same thing to tell us what they did. Not someone to tell us what to do. We are adults, not children, so please do not tell us what to do. And for the record, she did not ask me to post this. I got on and decided to check some things out and ran upon this.

calliopeia2013 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-giving-guilt-trip-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:99c0395f-c9cf-4658-92ad-ae02cda08b96Post:a0bc8aaf-1715-46cd-bfb5-0ae6557d17c3">Re: Sister giving guilt trip. Help please?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay. This is the fiance here. For all of you people trying to tell us how to plan our wedding can stop. Whenever we decide to start planning is completely our choice. We decided to have three people due to my best friend and two brothers (i didnt want to have to choose between two brothers. i love them both dearly). It was a very simple statement. "Those who have gone through something like this". If you haven't gone through the same thing, then please go to another post. Also, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. I think we all learned that as kids. You obviously do NOT know her sister. Postponing the inevitable is useless. Her son, our godson, is our ring bearer. So it needs to be talked about now, because if she decides that she doesn't want him in the wedding, then we need to find an alternative plan. All we want is for someone that has gone through the same thing to tell us what they did. Not someone to tell us what to do. We are adults, not children, so please do not tell us what to do. And for the record, she did not ask me to post this. I got on and decided to check some things out and ran upon this.
Posted by s2bclark14[/QUOTE]

This is hilarious. You want an internet forum of strangers to give you advice on what to do without telling you what to do?

FWIW, all that people are trying to tell you is that you're placing artificial limitations on yourself. You can have uneven sides (e.g. you have three groomsmen and your FI has four bridesmaids). You can have two ringbearers. You can also do whatever you want. Nobody on this board has the power to make you do anything. You're fiancee asked for ADVICE, and people are giving ADVICE. Though since it sounds like she has a problem saying no to people, I don't know, maybe she actually does think that random strangers on the internet are giving her orders instead of suggestions.

Nobody has dealt with exactly the situation you have, because nobody has exactly the same sister as you. People are giving you advice based on how they (or their own friends and family) dealt with similar situations. If you don't want advice, don't ask for it. If you do, realize that people are only trying to help you, not give you orders.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-giving-guilt-trip-help-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:99c0395f-c9cf-4658-92ad-ae02cda08b96Post:a0bc8aaf-1715-46cd-bfb5-0ae6557d17c3">Re: Sister giving guilt trip. Help please?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay. This is the fiance here. For all of you people trying to tell us how to plan our wedding can stop. Whenever we decide to start planning is completely our choice. We decided to have three people due to my best friend and two brothers (i didnt want to have to choose between two brothers. i love them both dearly). It was a very simple statement. "Those who have gone through something like this". If you haven't gone through the same thing, then please go to another post. Also, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. I think we all learned that as kids. You obviously do NOT know her sister. Postponing the inevitable is useless. Her son, our godson, is our ring bearer. So it needs to be talked about now, because if she decides that she doesn't want him in the wedding, then we need to find an alternative plan. All we want is for someone that has gone through the same thing to tell us what they did. Not someone to tell us what to do. We are adults, not children, so please do not tell us what to do. And for the record, she did not ask me to post this. I got on and decided to check some things out and ran upon this.
Posted by s2bclark14[/QUOTE]

No kidding we don't know her sister your your FI has told us jack about her. Everybody here offered advice and like Calli said, you are placing artificial barriers and limitations here.

Since this is something that apparently cannot wait, then I suggest that your FI find those big girl panties and have it out with her sister once and for all. If this isn't the advice she is looking for then I suggest she get professional therapy to figure out how to deal with this because an internet forum is not the place to be asking these questions. Her problems have nothing to do with weddings and everything to do with family situations.

ootmother2 · September 2012

I just love it when the FI steps in to protects their FI from the mean, nasty knotties!

"This is the fiance speaking" sounds sooo strong and manly

well, maybe not exactly

Sister giving guilt trip. Help please?

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