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HELP!!! Couples shower /Bridesmaid Drama

lilfoot610lilfoot610 member
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in Pre-wedding Parties

Help!!!  So, one of my bridesmaids is wanting to throw the couple shower for FH and me.  This is perfectly okay with me, however, she tells me that I have NO say so in any of the planning.  She wants to have the shower at her house -- which is about an hour drive for everyone that we would invite.  I'm not okay with this...it is a big inconvience for the guest.   So, FH asked his sister if the shower could be hosted at her house since she lives just minutes from everyone.  My bridesmaid blows up on me and tells me that I have NO right to make any plans or details of the party.   Now, I know when you are the host of a party, it is your responsibility to take care of everything....but shouldn't the bride and groom have a little say so in some of the details? 

AND -- I've been told by this same bridesmaid that I have NO say so in any of the bachelorette planning and what is planned.  She has assumed that we will be going to the beach just bc FH's parents have a place there so it'd be free.  Understandable....however, I used to live there and don't care to go back.  I feel that I am the bride...it is my wedding...and I have the right for input. 

Anybody have any ideas??

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Re: HELP!!! Couples shower /Bridesmaid Drama

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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Sorry, but the hostess gets to plan the party. She sets the budget and everything that goes along with that, such as the location and size of the party. It is nice if the hostess asks for some input from the bride, but that is her prerogative.

    You were wrong to try to take control of the location after you accepted her offer of having a shower. The correct thing to do would have been to decline her offer and then wait it out to see if anyone else steps up.

    Apologize to your friend, explain your reasoning. Then step aside and let them work it out. And by the way, I don't think an hour is that far to drive for a shower.


                       
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Well, you're both sort of in the wrong. 

    Ideally you should be asked for input when it's a party on your behalf.  But she doesn't have to.

    You do have the option of saying, "Thank you so much for wanting to do this but since it's so far out of the way of our guests, I think I have to decline."

    You don't get to ask others to do things involving the party though.  So you were out of line to ask your FSIL to have it at her house and your BM could really be offended by that.

    Bottom line is that ideally you should be asked for your input but she doesn't HAVE to ask you.  However since she's doing these things for you, she should be thinking of you and what you want.

    The only other thing i'd say is, "I really appreciate this but I think that if it's out here, that's so far away for our guests."  And regarding the bachelorette, just say, "I understand that FILs have a house there but I really just don't like the idea of the bachelorette there."

    Hopefully she listens to these things - but you can't mandate them.

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    lilfoot610lilfoot610 member
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    edited December 2011

    I understand what y'all are saying -- I know if I was invited to a couples shower with a long drive, I probably wouldn't attend.  I'm trying to think in favor of the guest who will attend.  My BM is very dramatic and it's hard to talk to her without her becoming defensive.   I guess the best thing is to tell her I appreciate her offer, but I must decline.  I've seen parties that she's hosted before...and well...to say it nicely...they weren't the greatest.  I'll be thankful for whatever is done, but I also don't want to be disappointed -- we only get 1 shot at it!

    She's made it clear that my opinion doesn't matter...and she is going to do what she wants.  While my MOH is hosting a bridal shower, and has said that I can pick out all the details bc its in celebration of my day (not hers or anyone elses).  It's frustrating that one wants so much control over such event.

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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_couples-shower-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:96d8e782-ee0d-4318-8063-f4514aee47adPost:6803688b-7e97-478c-95ec-b22fe272429f">Re: HELP!!! Couples shower /Bridesmaid Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]I understand what y'all are saying -- I know if I was invited to a couples shower with a long drive, I probably wouldn't attend.  I'm trying to think in favor of the guest who will attend.  My BM is very dramatic and it's hard to talk to her without her becoming defensive.   I guess the best thing is to tell her I appreciate her offer, but I must decline.  I've seen parties that she's hosted before...and well...to say it nicely...they weren't the greatest.  I'll be thankful for whatever is done, but I also don't want to be disappointed -- we only get 1 shot at it! She's made it clear that my opinion doesn't matter...and she is going to do what she wants.  While my MOH is hosting a bridal shower, and has said that I can pick out all the details bc its in celebration of my day (not hers or anyone elses).  It's frustrating that one wants so much control over such event.
    Posted by lilfoot610[/QUOTE]

    I think that you're right to decline her offer then. It sounds like you wouldn't be pleased with the party she would throw, so there isn't anything wrong with declining. Banana was right about how ideally a bride might get some input, but you do have the input of "declining".

    However, about your MOH hosting a bridal shower, you really shouldn't be picking out all the details, because then you're essentially planning your own shower. I can understand some input, but picking out every detail is too much.
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    lilfoot610lilfoot610 member
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with you on not picking out all the details.  I don't want to pick out all the details, I was just insinuating that one is willing to bend while the other is not. :)  Thanks for some input!
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    cm42878cm42878
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    edited December 2011
    I dont think you were in the wrong at all. I just threw a baby shower for my BFF and I worked with her on the date time and location. Essentialy they were her guests that were goign to be coming to the party not my guests. They had a jack and jill shower at their house which I originally thought was a horrible idea because it was not what I would do. But I am a good enough hostess I knew that it was her party and not mine and I would do it where and how she wanted. In the end she was right. Her shower turned out awesome and they had about 45 people attend.

    I would not offer to host a shower or a bachekorette party if I was not going to take into consideration the guest of honor. I think it would be in your best interest to decline, you dont want it to be a strugle the entire time.
    Married since 5/21/2011
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    lilfoot610lilfoot610 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_couples-shower-bridesmaid-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:96d8e782-ee0d-4318-8063-f4514aee47adPost:7f854b4e-f865-4853-884f-d75eee07f822">Re: HELP!!! Couples shower /Bridesmaid Drama</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dont think you were in the wrong at all. I just threw a baby shower for my BFF and I worked with her on the date time and location. Essentialy they were her guests that were goign to be coming to the party not my guests. They had a jack and jill shower at their house which I originally thought was a horrible idea because it was not what I would do. But I am a good enough hostess I knew that it was her party and not mine and I would do it where and how she wanted. In the end she was right. Her shower turned out awesome and they had about 45 people attend. I would not offer to host a shower or a bachekorette party if I was not going to take into consideration the guest of honor. I think it would be in your best interest to decline, you dont want it to be a strugle the entire time.
    Posted by cm42878[/QUOTE]


    Thank you!  I'm glad someone sees it the way I do.  :)  She throw it in my face that I hosted her baby shower and she didn't give me any input...well that was her decision.  She chose not to give input into her shower.  I, on the other hand, want to give input! :)
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    banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The thing is though, you don't get to give input unless you're asked for it.

    You can like it or dislike it but it's up there with your e-ring or any present given to you.  Sure, someone can say, "What cut do you like?" but the bottom line is that your FI if he purchased it got to pick what he wanted.  Ideally he knew what you wanted but that doesn't mean that you were able to say, "If you're going to propose I want X"

    And the same would hold for a Christmas present.  If you're asked to supply a Christmas wish list, it's great.  However if you don't get what's on your list you can't complain that the giver did a bad thing either.

    BTW, when you thank CM, it makes it appear that you're not thankful for the other advice that you received.
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