NEY or... Am I??

coastiegrl25 · September 2010

Hi ladies!! I guess what I am asking is can I tell people that I am getting married or not? We have picked out the ring, and he is paying on it now. I'm not exactly sure the date he is getting it for me, but I do know that it will be before Christmas. Presumably around Thanksgiving. We talk about everything so I pretty much know these things to a certain extent. He gave me the ok to start planning as we want our wedding to be in Sept of 2011.

So can I tell people we're engaged and actually start the wedding process so I can have the extra time to plan? Or do I wait on the actual ring, and just hope I can plan it in a little less than a year?

Wrkn925 · September 2010

If the two of you have made a solid decision to get married, and set a tentative date, then you are engaged. Ring or not.
Whether you tell people and start planning is really up to your fiance and yourself. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

zipis1 · September 2010

You need to ask your BF/FI what he considers your relationship status to be. We wouldn't know. Only you and he would since you're in the relationship.

Most guys prefer to propose before they consider themselves engaged. Not all, but most, and it doesn't sound like your guy actually has yet. So don't tell anyone anything until you have asked him.

On another note, weddings can be planned in less than a year very easily. There are women on here that have planned beautiful weddings in 8 months or less.The idea that it MUST take longer is due to wedding industry hype so that you'll buy more.

coastiegrl25 · September 2010

thanks ladie!!

AmandaHugen · September 2010

I am in a similar situation. My man and I are to be part of an arranged relationship-marriage. We talk all the time on the phone, and text, e-mail...ect. We know that we are highly compatible, and that will most likely get married. Though we have yet to go on a date. Though we have met, and there was a spark, we are allowed to date a bit before an engagement is required. We can date for 2 months before we MUST be engaged. and after that we are only allowed 6 months before we MUST be married. (cultural thing please don't try to argue with me about it, it is what it is) While it is possible that we may not get engaged... it is really unlikely. My mom and I have placed a deposit on a dress, While I don't consider myself engaged, I am putting together ideas for the wedding that I am 90% sure will be happening.

Sometimes, it is really hard to be "non-traditional" in the classic American sense. All I can say is that you know your situation, you know what feels right, and how much planning to do. Go with it, and to hell with what anyone else thinks of feels about your less then "normal" (by their standards) life.

calindi · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ney-am?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4c800dd9-80fb-472b-9f47-860492e329cdPost:8193f797-f8a8-4dcc-8413-b364dc041e70">Re: NEY or... Am I??</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks ladie!!
Posted by coastiegrl25[/QUOTE]

Wow... one who actually listens, AND thanks us? Impressive!

Basically if you're both on the same page about getting married some day, even in the somewhat near future, and even start talking about general ideas, then that's a serious relationship. There's no need to start calling it something it isn't. Most people don't just suddenly get proposed to out of the blue and THEN start talking about getting married - now a days, it's common for the couple to discuss marriage and weddings at length, and even look at rings together, before actually getting engaged.

Now, if you BOTH decide you're actually ready to plan the wedding and actually ready to get married in the not-too-distant future, then talk to him about it. Ask him if he wants to get engaged at some point soon, and discuss how you both see it - if he wants to propose, if you want a ring, how long of an engagement you want before getting married, hypothetically what time of year you might want to get married. If he wants to propose, then you're not engaged yet. But if you both decide you want to go ahead with making firm plans, putting down deposits, and plan on getting married in the not-too-distant future, then decide together if you just want to be engaged without a ring or proposal.

(Oh, and btw, by "not-too-distant-future", I mean not an open ended, "we'll plan it in 3 years when we graduate college" kind of way, because in that case you should probably just wait to get engaged - engagement is the process of planning to get married - if a couple just want to show their commitment at that young age, get a promise ring instead).

Congrats either way! It sounds like you've got a man who you'll probably end up marrying, and engaged or not, that's a pretty awesome thing!
<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

calindi · September 2010

Oh, and Amanda, if that's your full name, you might want to make a new screen name for security sake. Something that's not tied to your real name.

For what it's worth, I'm not opposed to arranged marriages. I think it's great that you ultimately do get the last word (if I understand it correctly?) and get to date to make sure it's right for you. I've known several couples in arranged marriages who are very happy - I started to look at it simply as parents (instead of Match.com) being the matchmaker, not some forced situation as it often is perceived to be. It has a rather bad reputation in the US, but as long as you're happy about it, congratulations!

But I do think that's a totally different situation than the average American wedding - for you, it's more okay to start seriously planning a wedding in my opinion. For everyone else, putting any money down or starting to actually try on dresses or check out venues is too far.

katanne9 · September 2010

In my opinion, if you have to ask a group of strangers on the internet if you are engaged, you are not engaged.

AmandaHugen · September 2010

*chuckles* "Amanda Hugen" is an old joke name, not my real one

and Yes, both the prospective groom and I both have the ability to tell our matchmaker to shove it, and wait for another match to be made. His family could hate me... he could drive me crazy in person, I could drive him crazy in person...who knows. I never realized how much like modern internet dating arranged matches really are. It makes lots of sense when you think about it that way. I love that you girls are so open, frankly very few people are so accepting of the whole idea.

PandaBurr · September 2010

I'm guessing Amanda Hugenkiss didn't fit?

Anyway, that sounds really interesting. I'd like to hear more about your marriage and stuff when you guys are engaged. I've never "met" anyone who was set up in an arranged marriage.

CharityG87 · September 2010

OK, I am not feeling alone! Yayy. I am in the same exact position. And feel the exact way.. Looking at rings, planned to be engaged within the next few months.. and planning the wedding for Fall 2011.. Most likely october 8th.. But AHH I feel so much better that you feel the same exact way. I almost thought I was crazy to actually having a date planned before I even have the ring. But we've known we were going to get married for years, it was never a question.. Now it just feels like the right time.. Just not the right financial time.. but that won't probably be for years.. Were just hoping for a lot of help from friends and doing it as well as we can.... And starting to plan now I think would just make it easier since it would be in a year.. and if I got the ring and planned it exactly a year from then.. Well frankly I don't want to get married in December, yuck.

NEY or... Am I??

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