Wedding Party

Nix the bridesmaids?

OKAY LONG READ GIRLS BUT I NEED ADVICE!!!

Recently engaged.  I have a maid of honor (childhood best friend) and two bridesmaids (girls I used to be EXTREMELY close with a couple years back.)

My problem is with the two bridesmaids.  I'll call them BM1 and BM2.  BM1, BM2 and I use to serve together at a restaurant in Pasadena for over two years.  We were extremely close and I love them dearly.  About two years ago, I quit the restaurant and got a 9-5 job and they remained there serving.  Because of our opposite schedules, we couldnt find the time to hang out as much (they would call me at least twice a week at late hours asking me to come hang out but i had to be up by 6am!!!) and eventually became distant.  In the last two years, they have become EXTREMELY close to one another and I have become more of a close friend who they miss..which is fine...we all grow apart.  But we still love eachother and I do really really miss them.  When I told them I got engaged and wanted them to be my bridesmaids, they seemed geniunely excited. 

But then this past Friday night, I was thrown COMPLETELY off guard by them.  Although we have spoken via Facebook, I hadnt seen them in months.  They invited me to their dual-birthday party and I was very excited to go!  I thought for sure there would be an "OH MY GOD!" moment and I was excited to show them my beautiful ring and spend a couple of moments catching up.  But then when I got there, BM1 hardly said anything to me!  She saw me as I was coming and said hello and gave me a kiss.  Then that was it.  I knew she was entertaining everyone, so I just decided to be patient.  BM2 was a little better and came to say hi to me, said hi to Josh my fiance, and introduced me to a couple of her new friends.  But then that was it...Other than mentioning to her stepfather that Josh and I were engaged, there was no asking to see the ring, no talk of the proposal or wedding planning, zilch.  Josh and I sat down and sipped wine quietly as we didnt know anyone besides the BM's at the party.  BM1 even passed by us a couple times and didnt say a word to me.  I thought at first it might have been me just being uber-sensitive, but then even Josh mentioned that they didnt even ask to see the ring on the way home and I was like "I KNOW!!!!!"

I felt a little sad and jealous that they seemd to have made newer friends that they are closer with, but mostly it made me re-think asking them to be bridesmaids.  By the time we got home that night, I was convinced that I should un-ask them and that they werent into it and I should just get the hint.  Then,......The day before I had sent both of them messages on facebook asking them if we could all get together soon to go shopping for dresses.  The morning after the party, I checked my facebook and BM1 (who had hardly said anyting to me at the party) had replied with "OK!!!!!!  LET US KNOW!" and then I was like HMMMMM....maybe I was being too sensitive?

Josh says I was prolly a little too sensitive and that maybe I should ask them out for drinks and let them know how I feel but I feel like maybe that would come off as too needy.

What do you all think?  Am I being too sensitive or should I nix them?

Re: Nix the bridesmaids?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_nix-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:758d9bfd-4d40-4286-9154-d8cc0c0d485cPost:e7907ae9-5175-4d3e-b04c-b0e4d8608b4e">Nix the bridesmaids?</a>:
    [QUOTE]OKAY LONG READ GIRLS BUT I NEED ADVICE!!! Recently engaged.  I have a maid of honor (childhood best friend) and two bridesmaids (girls I used to be EXTREMELY close with a couple years back.) My problem is with the two bridesmaids.  I'll call them BM1 and BM2.  BM1, BM2 and I use to serve together at a restaurant in Pasadena for over two years.  We were extremely close and I love them dearly.  About two years ago, I quit the restaurant and got a 9-5 job and they remained there serving.  Because of our opposite schedules, we couldnt find the time to hang out as much (they would call me at least twice a week at late hours asking me to come hang out but i had to be up by 6am!!!) and eventually became distant.  In the last two years, they have become EXTREMELY close to one another and I have become more of a close friend who they miss..which is fine...we all grow apart.  But we still love eachother and I do really really miss them.  When I told them I got engaged and wanted them to be my bridesmaids, they seemed geniunely excited.  But then this past Friday night, I was thrown COMPLETELY off guard by them.  Although we have spoken via Facebook, I hadnt seen them in months.  They invited me to their dual-birthday party and I was very excited to go!  I thought for sure there would be an "OH MY GOD!" moment and I was excited to show them my beautiful ring and spend a couple of moments catching up.  But then when I got there, BM1 hardly said anything to me!  She saw me as I was coming and said hello and gave me a kiss.  Then that was it.  I knew she was entertaining everyone, so I just decided to be patient.  BM2 was a little better and came to say hi to me, said hi to Josh my fiance, and introduced me to a couple of her new friends.  But then that was it...Other than mentioning to her stepfather that Josh and I were engaged, there was no asking to see the ring, no talk of the proposal or wedding planning, zilch.  Josh and I sat down and sipped wine quietly as we didnt know anyone besides the BM's at the party.  BM1 even passed by us a couple times and didnt say a word to me.  I thought at first it might have been me just being uber-sensitive, but then even Josh mentioned that they didnt even ask to see the ring on the way home and I was like "I KNOW!!!!!" I felt a little sad and jealous that they seemd to have made newer friends that they are closer with, but mostly it made me re-think asking them to be bridesmaids.  By the time we got home that night, I was convinced that I should un-ask them and that they werent into it and I should just get the hint.  Then,......The day before I had sent both of them messages on facebook asking them if we could all get together soon to go shopping for dresses.  The morning after the party, I checked my facebook and BM1 (who had hardly said anyting to me at the party) had replied with "OK!!!!!!  LET US KNOW!" and then I was like HMMMMM....maybe I was being too sensitive? Josh says I was prolly a little too sensitive and that maybe I should ask them out for drinks and let them know how I feel but I feel like maybe that would come off as too needy. What do you all think?  Am I being too sensitive or should I nix them?
    Posted by mrs.hann[/QUOTE]

    You are being ridiculous. Seriously? You want to get rid of two of your friends as BMs because they didn't gush over your engagement at <em>their</em> birthday party? You have got to be kidding me. Get over yourself. Also, if you don't give a hoot about maintaining a relationship with either of them, then by all means, kick them out. But understand that that's a huge slight and basically, an end to a friendship.
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  • It's almost never a good idea to nix bridesmaids.  And certainly not a good answer to your problem here.

    I think you may be a little sensitive to the situation, but remember that friendship goes both ways.

    Invite them out to dinner and reconnect with them as friends.  I bet it will help a lot.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2010
    You are upset that they didn't squee and get excited over your ring at their birthday party?  Yeah, overly sensitive.

    You can't un-ask someone.  What you can do, is kick them out.  It's a terribly nasty thing to do and only appropriate if they have done something awful to you.  Not getting excited over your ring doesn't cut it.  Not only would you ruin these friendships, you would send a message to the rest of your friends and WP that if they don't jump when you say so, you'll kick them out, too.
  • Yes, I think you're being COMPLETELY too sensitive if you are seriously considering kicking them out of your wedding because they didn't pay enough attention to you at a party where they were entertaining other people.

    Or paying enough attention to you, period. Just because someone doesn't ask to see your ring, squeal over the proposal story or ask you how the wedding plans are going doesn't mean that she doesn't love you and care about your upcoming marriage. Remember that support of your marriage is absolutely not equal to the amount of interest they show in your plans and your engagement.

    Plus, remember that some people are just not into wedding planning ... and even if they are, they will never be as into your plans as you are. And even so ... if you are recently engaged, I'll bet you don't have a ton of plans in place yet, right? I'm sure you have ideas, which is great, but there's a big difference between being able to tell someone, "We booked [hall] for [date] and we're looking forward to it!" and "We have 12 halls in mind, want to hear about all of them?"
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  • okay thanks ladies!  i hear ya loud and clear!  i got a little BRIDEZILLA for a minute and im glad you all checked me!  im gonna text them soon and see if we can get together so we can catch up!
  • It was THEIR birthday party, not YOUR engagement party. They invited you to celebrate THEIR birthdays with them, not your engagement. Get over yourself.. quickly.
    You need to realize that the world does not revolve around you and your wedding day. They were excited for you when you told them. Now was your turn to be exctied for them and you turned it into a sulk-fest. Get real, and stop being so selfish!

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  • I don't understand the thinking behind "asking someone to step down."  What are they supposed to say, "No, I'd rather stay in your wedding even though you clearly don't want me here"?  You can pretend you're giving them a choice, but everyone knows what's really going on.

    But I'm glad to see you've come to your senses.  Everyone has bridezilla moments, the trick is to keep them in check and not do anything you'll regret.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • To be totally honest, I think I would have felt a little hurt too - I understand wanting your friends to be excited for you. BUT as PPs have said, that's an emotional response and not one you should act on. Rationally, they were probably more focused on their party at the time, and they might just not be big wedding people. I definitely had closer friends give less of a reaction than acquaintances just based on who's more into weddings.

    Vent on here to avoid actually doing something crazy IRL :)
  • Glad you've come back to reality!  Buy them a drink, have some fun, remember why they're your friends in the first place.  Try to keep in mind that while the wedding is the biggest thing in your life right now, it's not the biggest thing in their lives.  And best of luck :)
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  • congrats on admitting to a BZ moment and learning from posters here.  You'll be just fine.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Its really hard to get quality time with someone at a birthday party at a bar or restaurant. Invite them out with you and catch up. Then schedule a way to look for dresses.
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  • Its really a pleasure that someone can admit they are having a bridezilla moment.  It was their birthday and they were focused on entertaining their guests.

    Invite them out for a fun night somewhere and reconnect. Never kick anyone out unless they have threatened your life or causing problems in the relationship between you and FI.
  • I was writing my response right as you posted yours, OP, so congrats on realizing your BZ moment and moving on. Its nice to see some common sense prevailing here.
    Good Luck!

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  • I'm glad you figured this one out.

    Until I was close to getting engaged, I never thought to ask to look at rings or make a big deal out of engagements.  Engagements didn't make me think about rings or wedding planning.  Just because they didn't mention the engagement or ask to see the ring doesn't mean that they aren't happy for you.
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