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How To Tell A Bridesmaid She Is NOT The Maid Of Honor

staceycainestaceycaine member
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in Moms and Maids
Hi all! I am BARELY engaged, but I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, so the thoughts of who would be in our wedding have already crossed my mind. I know that I want 4 friends and my boyfriend's sister.

The problem is that I had always thought that Bridesmaid A would be my Maid of Honor (and I'm trying to comb my brain to remember if I've ever said this in a drunken happy moment). However, over the last 5 years or so, we've grown apart, mostly through no fault of ours--she lives 3 hours away and we're both busy and on opposite schedules. At most, we see each other twice a year now, but last year I didn't see her at all.

I have decided on a Matron of Honor and a Maid of Honor. The Matron of Honor is a no-brainer, as she's the only one married and one of my closest friends. The Maid of Honor is also one of my closest friends and the ONLY one here in town. It looks like this:

Matron of Honor: 1 hour away
Maid of Honor: 3 minutes away (AND we work together 40 hours a week)
BM 1: 3 hours away
BM 2: 3 hours away
BM 3: 2 hours away and in college (boyfriend's sister)

I'm so afraid to offend BM 1 by saying she's JUST a bridesmaid. She's been my friend for 20 years. But she is also back in school getting her PhD and is 3 hours away, not to mention the "growing apart." I'm so worked up over this that I can't sleep. I want to send flowers to my future 'maids, but I'm afraid of the "Maid of Honor" question.

How do I do this, OR, should I just have her be it anyway and suck it up? I feel like LOGICALLY, the distance and time restraints explain the situation for me, but she's a very touchy, emotional person. I don't want to hurt her. :(
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Re: How To Tell A Bridesmaid She Is NOT The Maid Of Honor

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    graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't think that BMs need an explanation as to their "rank" in your WP. If you select the other friend instead of her, I wouldn't say anything at all. It would probably make things worse if you were to approach her and try to rationalize to her why she wasn't selected. 

    That being said, I don't think that distance should have that much influence on who you pick. Pick your best friend to be your MOH, whomever that may be, regardless of where she lives. All that she has to do is buy the dress and come to the wedding. Being a few hours away should not be an issue. My MOH lived in another state and it was just fine. 
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    staceycainestaceycaine member
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    edited December 2011
    I guess I wanted my MOH to help me with some things, which is why I wanted her near. Not necessarily "Let's go pick out stationery" but, just, someone to listen and give me an opinion on things. Which brings me to another reason I would choose the closest girl--she's very creative and knows my taste. The other girl takes a few days to check her email and such, so...I just feel like we drifted apart.

    I know when she was not MOH in another friend's wedding, this is all she complained about. I guess I thought an explaination, especially one that included "I know you are busy with school" might ease her mind. It feels weird to say "This is my BEST friend. You are just 2nd best."
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    redheadtmkredheadtmk member
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    edited December 2011
    Your MOH should be who you are closest to, not who can help you out. You should not expect any of your bridal party to help  you out. If they offer that is great. If the one who lives closest to you can help the most then that is great too. However being MOH should not be a reward for whoever does the most work. And you MOH is not the only person you can talk to about wedding stuff and bounce ideas off of. However if you do not want her as your MOH because you feel closer to someone else, then dont ask her to be MOH. You dont need to explain anything unless she asks. If she does ask, that is rude on her part.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If your wedding is going to be May 2013, you still have plenty of time to think about this. Don't ask anyone to be in your wedding party until about 9 months out. Relationships change, which is why you're conflicted. Next fall choose your closest friend to be your MOH. Or have them all be bms.
     
                       
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    Yankee in the SouthYankee in the South
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    When the time comes I would ask her in writing - maybe by a card attached to the flower arrangment your mentioned to be your BRIDESMAID.  This way she has a chance to see it in writing and there can be no mistake about her title and you can give her an oppurtunity to compose herself and deal with any disappointment before she calls you to accept.  She's entitled to be disappointed if she really thinks she is going to be your MOH, but she's not entitled to make a scene about it.  

    I was hurt and disappointed two years ago when my BFF of 12 years (who I'll ask to be my MOH) asked her sister (it's not her only sister, she has 3) that she's always had a love/hate relationship with to be her MOH... but I've never had a sister so maybe it's difficult for me to understand... The main reason I was disappointed is because I have been assembling and practicing the MOH toast in my head for the last 8 years and I was told only two speeches would be given at the reception.

    BUT despite all of my hurt feelings I was happy for her and did my best to help her enjoy her wedding day, because it meant more to me than telling a room full of mostly strangers how much she means to me and how much I wish them the best.
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    staceycainestaceycaine member
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    edited December 2011
    To those who said I have plenty of time, I agree. However, someone DID ask me, and so, I had to say "well, you." So this is why it's on my mind.

    I didn't say I was going to want a wedding planner, so I'm not sure where that comment came from--I just meant a sounding board.

    I guess the oldschool thing where the maid of honor helps with things is not true anymore? Around here, we still do the thing where the maid of honor plans the wedding shower at least, and the woman who is my Matron of Honor called venues for me yesterday (HER idea totally--she said she was bored and wanted to, and I have so much time I laughed, but I'm glad she did--my venue is completely booked, so I have no idea what my wedding date is now). I don't want this from my maid of honor, but responses saying she does nothing was a little surprising.
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    staceycainestaceycaine member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-bridesmaid-she-not-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa007991-4b69-4d26-9248-06fc62621f0cPost:c84de574-3007-47dc-8ed6-13e82ef81a23">Re: How To Tell A Bridesmaid She Is NOT The Maid Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]You pick your maid of honor because they are your best, closest friend/relative.  It's who you call at 2 AM when you're on your second tub of Ben and Jerry's or you need bail.  It's not your best wedding planner.  You pay people for that.
    Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

    I guess this is my problem. I would call my future husband. I'm just not that close to anyone else, so of the 4 friends I do have, we all communicate via email, just some more often than others.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    1) Don't base your bridal party off who is closer in distance to you and that can help you out the most

    2) Wait until you are much closer to your wedding before deciding anything

    3) If people ask (which is rude of them to push it on you like that) just tell them that you haven't even thought about it yet...and leave it at that

    4) It is ok to not have BMs...if you are that conflicted about it just have a MOH or no one at all

    5) BMs and MOHs do not have to do anything more then buy their dress and show up on your wedding day.  Of course in many circumstances they offer to do more such as throwing a bridal shower or planning a bach party; however, these are not mandatory things and are just nice gestures on their part.

    As far as you matron of honor calling venues for you...that to me is a little weird...that is something you and your FI should be doing...it is your wedding after all not your matron of honor's

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    staceycainestaceycaine member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-bridesmaid-she-not-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa007991-4b69-4d26-9248-06fc62621f0cPost:454d6aff-fd4e-42cf-8774-b95ee1bc7fac">Re: How To Tell A Bridesmaid She Is NOT The Maid Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]5) BMs and MOHs do not have to do anything more then buy their dress and show up on your wedding day.  Of course in many circumstances they offer to do more such as throwing a bridal shower or planning a bach party; however, these are not mandatory things and are just nice gestures on their part. As far as you matron of honor calling venues for you...that to me is a little weird...that is something you and your FI should be doing...it is your wedding after all not your matron of honor's
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Oh, I thought in my head that my mom would just help with everything, and end of story. I really just wanted all bridesmaids and MOHs to show up and have a good time. I don't want/need a Bachelorette party and I figure my Mom's coworkers will throw the shower (it's a long story--but they've helped to raise me since birth--she's been best friends with them for 30 years, so it's not as weird as that sounds). So, yeah, I'm not expecting anything, but at the same time, I feel like picking someone who will answer emails in a timely fashion would be a good idea, and the one girl just doesn't because she's so busy. I feel like asking her to come and pick a dress and then show up is good, but bothering her with emails or whatever...I would feel bad, since I know she's busy. The other girl works with me and loves to plan these things (Her mother owns a venue, actually), so, we've talked about stuff for a long time, and she seems interested in offering her opinion. That alone means I'm "closer" to her, so I'm sold on her being my MOH. I'm just afraid of hurting the other girl's feelings, but hopefully she will be relieved?</div><div>
    </div><div>As for the MOH calling the venues, I thought it was a little weird, but I actually was relieved. She at one point wanted to be a wedding planner, and she loves doing this. I told her plenty of times she has to do nothing, but she wants to, and I love the help. </div><div>
    </div><div>As for my boyfriend being the one to call venues, yeah. That's not going to happen. It makes him sound like a bad future husband or whatever, but you'd have to know him. Neither of us really care too much about details--we're doing this for my mom. I know a lot of people will have bad things to say about that, but my mom has done a lot for me. I can give her a wedding (so to speak--she's paying a huge portion). Plus, we work opposite schedules (he works days, I work nights), so if we had to be togehter while doing these things...it wouldn't get done.</div><div>
    </div><div>Anyhow, thanks everyone for the input, I do feel much better about my choice, and I like the idea of telling her in writing along with a bouquet of my wedding flowers (but not for several months!).

    </div>
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-bridesmaid-she-not-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa007991-4b69-4d26-9248-06fc62621f0cPost:5e722cd6-83e6-413c-b775-0aadf63aff8d">Re: How To Tell A Bridesmaid She Is NOT The Maid Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>To those who said I have plenty of time, I agree. However, someone DID ask me, and so, I had to say "well, you." </strong>Posted by staceycaine[/QUOTE]

    You had to? Why, was she holding a gun to your head?

    You could have said "I'm just enjoying being engaged right now, the thought of bridesmaids hasn't even crossed my mind." You chose not to do that.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-bridesmaid-she-not-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa007991-4b69-4d26-9248-06fc62621f0cPost:b0c03fe8-3340-4620-b9d8-565633201b65">Re: How To Tell A Bridesmaid She Is NOT The Maid Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>As for my boyfriend being the one to call venues, yeah. That's not going to happen</strong>. It makes him sound like a bad future husband or whatever, but you'd have to know him. Neither of us really care too much about details--we're doing this for my mom. I know a lot of people will have bad things to say about that, but my mom has done a lot for me. I can give her a wedding (so to speak--she's paying a huge portion). <strong>Plus, we work opposite schedules (he works days, I work nights), so if we had to be togehter while doing these things...it wouldn't get done.</strong> Anyhow, thanks everyone for the input, I do feel much better about my choice, and I like the idea of telling her in writing along with a bouquet of my wedding flowers (but not for several months!).
    Posted by staceycaine[/QUOTE]

    Trust me, I didn't have my H call venues to set up appointments or ask questions etiher...that is just not something he would be good at.  I just meant that any big decisions should be decided by you and your fiance.  A lot of brides come on here wanting help from their BP and think that their BMs should be at their beck and call and they seem to forget all about the person they are marrying.  I talked to my H about every aspect of the wedding...a lot he didn't care about but I wanted to give him a chance to voice his opinion if he really hated something.

    Also, you don't have to be together to accomplish the planning process.  If you or he does research on DJs or caterers (if you need on) or bakers then just find a few minutes to discuss what you found out (especially the budget if you are paying for it). 

    A lot of brides on here are too concerned about having a perfect wedding and forget that the whole reason for the wedding is to marry the love of their lives.

    Good luck on everything!

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    staceycainestaceycaine member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-bridesmaid-she-not-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa007991-4b69-4d26-9248-06fc62621f0cPost:e5f0d6a1-7698-40f8-a3c4-35ea14745e4e">Re: How To Tell A Bridesmaid She Is NOT The Maid Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How To Tell A Bridesmaid She Is NOT The Maid Of Honor : You had to? Why, was she holding a gun to your head? You could have said "I'm just enjoying being engaged right now, the thought of bridesmaids hasn't even crossed my mind." You chose not to do that.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    Right, I didn't tell her that because the thought HAD crossed my mind and I knew I wanted her, so I didn't want to lie. I don't see what the problem is. She's happy to help, and I'm happy to have her. She asked, I told, because I wanted to.
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    staceycainestaceycaine member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-bridesmaid-she-not-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa007991-4b69-4d26-9248-06fc62621f0cPost:36244e11-fe46-4701-8c2a-599868c17941">Re: How To Tell A Bridesmaid She Is NOT The Maid Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How To Tell A Bridesmaid She Is NOT The Maid Of Honor : Trust me, I didn't have my H call venues to set up appointments or ask questions etiher...that is just not something he would be good at.  <strong>I just meant that any big decisions should be decided by you and your fiance.</strong>  A lot of brides come on here wanting help from their BP and think that their BMs should be at their beck and call and they seem to forget all about the person they are marrying.  <strong>I talked to my H about every aspect of the wedding</strong>...a lot he didn't care about but I wanted to give him a chance to voice his opinion if he really hated something. Also, you don't have to be together to accomplish the planning process.  If you or he does research on DJs or caterers (if you need on) or bakers then just find a few minutes to discuss what you found out (especially the budget if you are paying for it).  A lot of brides on here are too concerned about having a perfect wedding and forget that the whole reason for the wedding is to marry the love of their lives. Good luck on everything!
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    Well, I mean, of course I'm talking to him about things and of course he's making the decisions. My MOH just offered to call to see if they were booked or not. That's all.
    *sigh* This wasn't even the point of the post, and I'm all turned around and confused now by this.
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Ok well to get back to the point of your post...you do not need to let anyone know that they are not your MOH...they will figure it out themselves when you ask them to be a BM.  If the one girl has her feelings hurt because she is not your MOH she will get over it...being a BM is an honor too as well as just being a guest.  Know that you cannot make everyone happy so don't try to.  Choose the people who are closest to you and they offer to help you then great if not no biggie.  Don't worry about the distance and be prepared if some can't make it to pre-wedding events.  Just know that BMs can be excited in the beginning about your wedding but after a year or so they may become pretty tired about talking about it so just keep the wedding talk to a minimum at first so not to overload them.

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    steffenfamsteffenfam member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, you could make them MOH #1, MOH #2, MOH #3, etc. 

    I am joking, of course!
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    staceycainestaceycaine member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-bridesmaid-she-not-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa007991-4b69-4d26-9248-06fc62621f0cPost:260129c0-b534-4adf-82de-8fbfdcf2c8cb">Re: How To Tell A Bridesmaid She Is NOT The Maid Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, you could make them MOH #1, MOH #2, MOH #3, etc.  I am joking, of course!
    Posted by steffenfam[/QUOTE]

    I even thought of this, and I was like "Oh, you are getting ridiculous," and then I realized I'm just blessed to have more than one friend I'd even consider. I mean, right?
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    LittleMissCutiePieLittleMissCutiePie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't say anything. She'll figure it out, and it'll just be way too awkward if it's brought up in conversation.
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    butterfly1081butterfly1081 member
    First Comment
    What is wrong with you people?

    Of course you should notify a close friend that she isn't your MOH and not just let herfigure it out on her own. My friend did that to me and I was completely insulted. It wasn't so much her decision but how she handled it. She sent me a card, when I thought she should of spoken to me about it. We were talking about her wedding planning everyday but she chose her friend who has more money.

    It isn't having to "justify" yourself to your friend. If a person has been there for you for years, you should as least notify them and not let them "figure it out". Think about how you want your relationship to be after your wedding. It is only one day.
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