2 ceremonies - will the first one spoil the second one for us?

Prinsesse2ben · June 2012

Because of family issues (problems with my future in-laws:S) , we have decided to cancel our big church wedding and have a destination wedding in Spain next year where we will be inviting only our closest friends. Besides being really sad that my fiancé's parents behave so badly and have actually managed to ruin the wedding we had planned, there is something that worries me a little;

Because we don't live in Spain, we will have to get legally married here in Denmark where we live, as you can only legally get married in Spain if you have lived there for 3 months or more.

Since our original wedding date was September 1, we have decided to just stick to that date for our legal ceremony, and our minister has agreed to do just a small ceremony with the two of us on September 1 this year.
Next year, on June 7, we will have a garden wedding with a ceremony - complete with me walking down the aisle in a beautiful dress;)

We won't tell anyone that we're getting married September 1, because we figure that way June 7 next year will still be our wedding day.

My question is: Since the wedding in Spain will not be our legal/"real" wedding, and we will actually have been married for some time on the day, will we still get that "wedding moment" between the 2 of us?

Has ANYONE got any experience with 2 ceremonies? Does it feel just as "big" the second time around??

Hope you can help ease my mind:)!!

boaznruth · June 2012

Running and hiding Ok, on this one, I think I completely agree with the majority opinion here. Exactly how many wedding ceremonies is this, total? 3? Wow.

handfast4me · June 2012

Uh, yeah. This is just too. too. I don't know. MUD, maybe?

WTF are you letting your future in laws dictate what you're doing? Just exclude them and have the wedding you want. BTW, you only get one wedding, no matter how big or small it is, with one person. The only way you get a second one is if you marry or divorce the husband form that first one. The others are vow renewals. By keeping the ceremony that will be the first one, the LEGAL one, a secret, you are, in fact, deceiving everyone else. And that, is just lying.

Ok, now someone copy and paste (my computer won't allow me to do it) because in a few more responses, we're going to have a DD. That is if this isn't MUD.

AbbeyS2011 · June 2012

Ditto handfast - if your FILs are that bad, exclude them from the wedding.

If you have not already cancelled the vendors/church, etc., then go ahead and have your big church wedding, which will be your wedding day in September, and invite whomever you wish.

IF you decide to go ahead with the plan you have spelled out in the post, then on September 1st, you will be MARRIED, and the June 7th ceremony in Spain will be a VOW RENEWAL.

You can try to hide it all you want, but people will find out that you are married - they have ways. Personally, I would be really mad to find out the "Destination Wedding" I was invited to was actually a vow renewal.

Prinsesse2ben · June 2012

Okay... Wow... Didn't see this reaction coming:O The whole situation around our wedding and lives right now is pretty chaotic... It's a religious and cultural question that has divided us and, believe me, this is not MUD: I was actually quite hesitant when I posted this, because it's something that really causes pain in our lives and we are just trying to make the best out of a bad situation. All of our guests know that this is not the actual legal ceremony, and that we will have to get married in Denmark too, and everyone is really exited about having a wedding ceremony in Spain and joining us to make our Spain wedding special. We're just not telling people that we have decided to get married in advance. I lost my mother to cancer and it suddenly means much more to me to get married, so waiting until June is just too long to wait to be legally joined. I respect your opinions, but I'm still maybe naively hoping that someone has been in a situation similar to mine and can tell me if it still feels like a really special day the second time

right1thistime · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_2-ceremonies-will-the-first-one-spoil-the-second-one-for-us?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:f83d4156-840b-4bc0-87d0-49df1c5f9599Post:2583a517-9b59-4beb-90c9-e90c3a1b47e4">2 ceremonies - will the first one spoil the second one for us?</a>:
[QUOTE]Because of family issues (problems with my future in-laws:S) , we have decided to cancel our big church wedding and have a destination wedding in Spain next year where we will be inviting only our closest friends. Besides being really sad that my fiancé's parents behave so badly and have actually managed to ruin the wedding we had planned, there is something that worries me a little; Because we don't live in Spain, we will have to get legally married here in Denmark where we live, as you can only legally get married in Spain if you have lived there for 3 months or more. Since our original wedding date was September 1, we have decided to just stick to that date for our legal ceremony(legal wedding), and our minister has agreed to do just a small ceremony with the two of us on September 1 this year. Next year, on June 7, we will have a garden wedding with a ceremony - complete with me walking down the aisle in a beautiful dress;) We won't tell anyone that we're getting married September 1, because we figure that way June 7 next year will still be our wedding day (vow renewal). My question is: Since the wedding in Spain will not be our legal/"real" wedding, and we will actually have been married for some time on the day, will we still get that "wedding moment" between the 2 of us (misplaced priority) Has ANYONE got any experience with 2 ceremonies? Does it feel just as "big" the second time around?? Hope you can help ease my mind:)!!
Posted by Prinsesse2ben[/QUOTE]

Why exactly are you posting this on Second Weddings? Are one of you divorced or widowed? Or is this both of your first weddings and you have somehow contorted your thinking such that you believe you are actually having a second wedding without the dissolution of the first?
I indeed have had two wedding ceremonies. My first was in 1984 and the second in 2006. The second actually felt "bigger" than the first, since I wasn't making one of the most significant mistakes of my life. Each however, was the first time I was marrying that man, and were indeed weddings. I would guess that once you are actually married, your vow renewal may deceive your loved ones, (and even that is unlikely in my eyes) but unless you are quite adept at fooling yourself, you will be quite aware that you are already married, and that this is just a self-serving charade.
How exactly does losing your mother equate to a rationale to lie to the people you love? It is quite sad, of course, but the logic escapes me. ~Donna

AbbeyS2011 · June 2012

Ok, then if everyone knows you have to get married in Denmark anyway, why not just have your wedding in June in Spain, then do the legal part when you return to Denmark?

I guess I fail to understand the "legally joined" part. The legality is in reality a piece of paper for government purposes. You want to get married - get married. No one is stopping you as long as you both are of legal age to marry in your country, and are single people.

Years ago, my sister had a JP wedding, so she could qualify for my BIL's military benefits. Exactly one year to the day, she had her PPD "wedding" aka Vow Renewal for the entire family. She told me later she wished they had not done it, that it was a waste of time and money, they were already married. It was a big fake show diguised as a wedding.

Lizzieyounce · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_2-ceremonies-will-the-first-one-spoil-the-second-one-for-us?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:f83d4156-840b-4bc0-87d0-49df1c5f9599Post:2583a517-9b59-4beb-90c9-e90c3a1b47e4">2 ceremonies - will the first one spoil the second one for us?</a>:
[QUOTE]Because of family issues (problems with my future in-laws:S) , we have decided to cancel our big church wedding and have a destination wedding in Spain next year where we will be inviting only our closest friends. Besides being really sad that my fiancé's parents behave so badly and have actually managed to ruin the wedding we had planned, there is something that worries me a little; Because we don't live in Spain, we will have to get legally married here in Denmark where we live, as you can only legally get married in Spain if you have lived there for 3 months or more. Since our original wedding date was September 1, we have decided to just stick to that date for our legal ceremony, and our minister has agreed to do just a small ceremony with the two of us on September 1 this year. Next year, on June 7, we will have a garden wedding with a ceremony - complete with me walking down the aisle in a beautiful dress;) We won't tell anyone that we're getting married September 1, because we figure that way June 7 next year will still be our wedding day. My question is: Since the wedding in Spain will not be our legal/"real" wedding, and we will actually have been married for some time on the day, will we still get that "wedding moment" between the 2 of us? Has ANYONE got any experience with 2 ceremonies? Does it feel just as "big" the second time around?? Hope you can help ease my mind:)!!
Posted by Prinsesse2ben[/QUOTE]<div>
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Marrin713 · June 2012

Lizzie rocks.

I still don't get it. In your first post you wrote: We won't tell anyone that we're getting married September 1, because we figure that way June 7 next year will still be our wedding day.

The later you wrote: All of our guests know that this is not the actual legal ceremony, and that we will have to get married in Denmark too, and everyone is really exited about having a wedding ceremony in Spain and joining us to make our Spain wedding Â special. We're just not telling people that we have decided to get married in advance.

Will they or won't they know? Sept. 1 is your wedding/anniv date. As for the first one ruining it for you when the second one rolls around, I can only say that when H and I said "I do" in the little JP's courthouse office, the moment was beyond all expectation for me. I did not care about the reception that we were having later; I would have been totally content to just go home and hang in the moment.

handfast4me · June 2012

And for the record, DH and I actually had two ceremonies. We had a pagan handfasting but because it wasn't recognized here in Georgia, we were also legally married. Here's the difference: we didn't invite anyone to either ceremony for a variety of reasons, with one of those being that we didn't want anyone thinking I was having a PPD.

Lisa50 · June 2012

I do not have any experience with more than one ceremony for each of my two marriages. I cannot imagine a "re-do" feeling more special than the first/legal ceremony. I can imagine the second "re-do" feeling like the plot of the movie Groundhog Day.

I understand, why, in certain European countries, there is a legal ceremony followed by a Church ceremony but I'm not following your reasoning for 3 ceremonies -- one legal/secret and the other two ... what are they, exactly??

Just do this once -- Denmark, Spain, wherever -- and, in 50 years, celebrate your golden anniversary with a vow renewal.

Stormz · June 2012

I am so confused by this post but here is the only person I did not side eye in this situation.

A really good friend of mine was in the military and he was sent to training several months before the wedding while they were closing on the house. He and his now wife did not know there would be an issue with their loan if they were not married. So about 2 weeks before the closing of the hosue they were told that getting married was their only option or redo the whole loan and neither could qualify without the other. They were planning to get married 2 months from the closing on the house.

So they did something through the military where they could be married without being together. He signed some papers and she signed some papers. And had their wedding as planned. The church did not recognize their first wedding and nobody thought twice about it.

We all knew, and we always joke and ask which anniversary they are celebrating this year.

Everybody else, I thought as gift grabby, entitled, or stupid for wasting the money.

emcnally01 · June 2012

I'm not sure that anyone has really answered the primary question. I have not done this but I willl be. Because the person who is marrying us is concerned that he may not be "legal" - he's a certified pastor but in NC you need to be ordained - we will probably do a JP marriage and the ceremony is planned for 6/23/2012. Not sure which will come first, but it doesn't matter - I don't really care what anyone else thinks or says - it's all semantics in my book - I want a christian wedding so that ceremony will be what I remember in years to come!

handfast4me · June 2012

I answered the question--2 ceremonies; one pagan, one legal. No one invited to either.

Lisa50 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_2-ceremonies-will-the-first-one-spoil-the-second-one-for-us?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:f83d4156-840b-4bc0-87d0-49df1c5f9599Post:10ac6f33-4109-4eb3-9aa8-d9f42bc8bc8d">Re: 2 ceremonies - will the first one spoil the second one for us?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure that anyone has really answered the primary question. I have not done this but I willl be. Because the person who is marrying us is concerned that he may not be "legal" - he's a certified pastor but in NC you need to be ordained - we will probably do a JP marriage and the ceremony is planned for 6/23/2012. Not sure which will come first, but it doesn't matter - I don't really care what anyone else thinks or says - it's all semantics in my book - I want a christian wedding so that ceremony will be what I remember in years to come!
Posted by emcnally01[/QUOTE]

Are you the OP posting under an AE? Color me confused. I thought I was answering someone marrying in Spain with a second ceremony in Denmark. What's this NC stuff?

RuthEmily · June 2012

No! The first one WILL NOT spoil the second one!!! I have a lot of people I know who have had vow renewal ceremonies and have said that "they were struck by how romantic it all was". I would agree as well! Sure, the guy (or girl) says they want to marry you, but then when they do life is TOTALLY different. But then a year later they still love you and life with you so much that they want to DO IT AGAIN? That's romance.

These people you are getting their panties in a knot are the same ones who post on every forum about vow renewals. I think its a little ridiculous. So she posted under a forum for 2 weddings: technically this will be her second "wedding reception" the one she shares with her friends. Yes, I know, its not a "second wedding" its a vow renewal... But you see how a poor girl could get confused when she is just starting this whole process? She's new to it! That's why she's asking advice! Be nice people!! I think that any time you want to celebrate your love with people you care about is a GREAT thing! I wish we would spend more of our time on that than criticizing others! And if you didn't get to do the garter throw, or cut the cake? Do it in Spain! It's about you two, not anyone else. Congratulations on finding love

boaznruth · June 2012

I think the part that got us all going was that she even admitted she was going to lie to her guests and not tell them that they had already wed.

When it comes to people who can't have a wedding because of severe life circumstances, such as a soon-to-be spouse getting shipped out or some other unavoidable hardship, others may disagree, but I support a full-blown vow renewal then.

This is not one of those situations. In this situation, the OP said that they just didn't want to wait, so they decided to go ahead and get legally married and then have 2 separate other ceremonies that they would tell people were full-on weddings. There was no real reason for them not to wait and no real reason to lie to their guests. That, I'm sorry, but even I don't support...and that's saying something.

right1thistime · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_2-ceremonies-will-the-first-one-spoil-the-second-one-for-us?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:f83d4156-840b-4bc0-87d0-49df1c5f9599Post:94fe2623-8243-4c41-949f-68beb774c2a8">Re:2 ceremonies - will the first one spoil the second one for us?</a>:
[QUOTE]No! The first one WILL NOT spoil the second one!!! I have a lot of people I know who have had vow renewal ceremonies and have said that "they were struck by how romantic it all was". I would agree as well! Sure, the guy (or girl) says they want to marry you, but then when they do life is TOTALLY different. But then a year later they still love you and life with you so much that they want to DO IT AGAIN? That's romance. :) These people you are getting their panties in a knot are the same ones who post on every forum about vow renewals. I think its a little ridiculous. So she posted under a forum for 2 weddings: technically this will be her second "wedding reception" the one she shares with her friends. Yes, I know, its not a "second wedding" its a vow renewal... But you see how a poor girl could get confused when she is just starting this whole process? She's new to it! That's why she's asking advice! Be nice people!! I think that any time you want to celebrate your love with people you care about is a GREAT thing! I wish we would spend more of our time on that than criticizing others! And if you didn't get to do the garter throw, or cut the cake? Do it in Spain! It's about you two, not anyone else. Congratulations on finding love :)
Posted by RuthEmily[/QUOTE]

Find ONE post on another forum where I have posted about this. Just one and I will accept your statement.

I think that lying to the people you care about is a really strange way to celebrate your love.

When you invite others to your celebration, you have an obligation to be a respectful & gracious hostess.

~Donna

Prinsesse2ben · June 2012

Thanks so much emcnally01 and RuthEmily for answering my question and having a positive attitude towards our wedding plans:)!!

To the people who accuse me of lying to our guests: EVERYONE invited to Spain knows that the ceremony they are invited to isn't the legal wedding ceremony and absolutely EVERYONE understands and supports our decision to have the wedding we are planning in Spain. We have just decided not to tell our guests when we will be legally married. This only means something to us, not how our guests will percieve the day. Why this is lying, is beyond me.

We have decided to keep our original wedding date with the minister I have known all of my life and who buried my mother, for practical and personal reasons. Furthermore, we're actually thinking that having the legal wedding ceremony so long before the Spain wedding - or wow-renewal - will make it less of a re-do for us.

As I have said earlier, I do respect people's opinion on the idea of having 2 ceremonies. But I hope you will respect my decision to refuse to defend mine and my fiancés choices for our wedding anymore than I already have done.

Again, a BIG thanks to the ladies who have actually answered my question in my original post:)

handfast4me · June 2012

We all answered your question. You just didn't like the answers. And one more time, for the record, I DID have two ceremonies.

Lisa50 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_2-ceremonies-will-the-first-one-spoil-the-second-one-for-us?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:f83d4156-840b-4bc0-87d0-49df1c5f9599Post:a5f34de3-a7e4-4958-8968-63bebe51803b">Re: 2 ceremonies - will the first one spoil the second one for us?</a>:
[QUOTE]I do not have any experience with more than one ceremony for each of my two marriages. I cannot imagine a "re-do" feeling more special than the first/legal ceremony. I can imagine the second "re-do" feeling like the plot of the movie Groundhog Day. I understand, why, in certain European countries, there is a legal ceremony followed by a Church ceremony but I'm not following your reasoning for 3 ceremonies -- one legal/secret and the other two ... what are they, exactly?? Just do this once -- Denmark, Spain, wherever -- and, in 50 years, celebrate your golden anniversary with a vow renewal.
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

I answered your question, also.

boaznruth · June 2012

I'm not sure why this question was asked here, considering what the OP is doing is NOT a second wedding. It's a vow renewal. This board is for people who have been married previously and are remarrying. Two very different things.

And, for the record, I'm usually in favor of vow renewals where there are unusual circumstances. However, I wouldn't be in favor of what the OP is planning to do. I don't see any reason to go have a ceremony in Spain if what you really want is to have the minister you know and have a connection with marry you, besides the fact that you want a big party in Spain. To my mind...unless there is a really, really good reason...you need to pick one or the other and go with it.

But...that is just my opinion and obviously the OP has a different one.

2 ceremonies - will the first one spoil the second one for us?

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