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HELP! I don't want a flower girl but my FI has a niece

B2B61210B2B61210 member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

I do NOT want a flower girl in our wedding, but my FI has a 5 year old niece. We were at his parents' house the other day so everyone could see the ring. I showed the 5 year old and asked my FSIL (but not the 5 year old's mother) if the little girl knew what the ring meant. She said yes and said that the little girl asked her if she was going to be in the wedding (would a 5 year old REALLY know what it means to "be in a wedding"? I found it hard to believe she really asked that...) Anyway, my FSIL told me that she told the 5 year old that OF COURSE she would be in the wedding because she is the only little one in the family. She would get to be the flower girl. I found this extremely rude of her to tell her that (I mean cmon, little kids remember EVERYTHING!) and not even talk to me about it first. I DON'T want a flower girl but now I don't know what to do. Any advice?

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Re: HELP! I don't want a flower girl but my FI has a niece

  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited February 2012

    Just call (or have FI call) up your FSIL and explain to her that you're not going to have a flower girl.

    And kids don't really remember everything -- as long as there's not like another flower girl walking down the aisle on the day of, I doubt she'll give it another thought.

    Why are you opposed to a flower girl though?

    edit: Ok I see FSIl isn't the little ones mom -- just call and talk to the parents about it. I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments

    1. When stuff like this happens say, "Oh we just got engaged, so we haven't planned anything yet. We will keep it in mind, but no decisions have been made yet"

    2. Your FI (not you) need to tell the child's mother that you two don't think you will have a flower girl.

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Does your FI want her in the wedding?
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  • NicoleSaharaNicoleSahara
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    I have little cousins that are flower girl age, but I didn't want a flower girl, so I didn't have one. I would have been pretty annoyed if my SIL told a little girl she was going to be the flower girl in my wedding, but I would also let her explain to the girl that she made a mistake. What did you say to her when she told you that?
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  • B2B61210B2B61210 member
    First Comment
    @aragx6: I don't want a flower girl because I PERSONALLY don't like it. I was a flower girl at my mom's wedding and was miserable the whole time. There are a number of things that could go wrong--kids are uncomfortable, don't feel good, etc. and I just prefer to exclude kids from the WP.

    @MyNameIsNot: My FI said he could go either way... he said if he had a choice he would say to have her in it, but he said it's my decision and he doesn't really care if she's not in it.

    @NicoleSahara: I was totally caught off guard when this happened so my immediate reaction was to smile and say "ooooh ya" and giggle. I'm thinking it might be a good idea to let her have her make up and hair done or something on the wedding day but not let her walk down the aisle or anything. This way there is still a little something special she gets to partake in. What do you think?
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  • NicoleSaharaNicoleSahara
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-dont-want-a-flower-girl-but-my-fi-has-a-niece?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:33843958-bc66-4760-8df0-f3c2fc47c2d0Post:c3ec6261-b605-4545-a444-bfeef112fbdf">Re: HELP! I don't want a flower girl but my FI has a niece</a>:
    [QUOTE]@aragx6: I don't want a flower girl because I PERSONALLY don't like it. I was a flower girl at my mom's wedding and was miserable the whole time. There are a number of things that could go wrong--kids are uncomfortable, don't feel good, etc. and I just prefer to exclude kids from the WP. @MyNameIsNot: My FI said he could go either way... he said if he had a choice he would say to have her in it, but he said it's my decision and he doesn't really care if she's not in it. @NicoleSahara: I was totally caught off guard when this happened so my immediate reaction was to smile and say "ooooh ya" and giggle. I'm thinking it might be a good idea to let her have her make up and hair done or something on the wedding day but not let her walk down the aisle or anything. This way there is still a little something special she gets to partake in. What do you think?
    Posted by B2B61210[/QUOTE]

    That's a really nice gesture. I don't think you have to do that, but it would probably be a better way to keep the peace than being a brat about it like I probably would be.
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  • B2B61210B2B61210 member
    First Comment
    @NicoleSahara: Thank you! BTW, your wedding photos are stunningly beautiful! Love the mirror picture most =)
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  • chirpchirpchirpchirp member
    500 Comments
    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-dont-want-a-flower-girl-but-my-fi-has-a-niece?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:33843958-bc66-4760-8df0-f3c2fc47c2d0Post:c3ec6261-b605-4545-a444-bfeef112fbdf">Re: HELP! I don't want a flower girl but my FI has a niece</a>:
    [QUOTE]@aragx6: I don't want a flower girl because I PERSONALLY don't like it. I was a flower girl at my mom's wedding and was miserable the whole time. There are a number of things that could go wrong--kids are uncomfortable, don't feel good, etc. and I just prefer to exclude kids from the WP. @MyNameIsNot: My FI said he could go either way... he said if he had a choice he would say to have her in it, but he said it's my decision and he doesn't really care if she's not in it. @NicoleSahara: I was totally caught off guard when this happened so my immediate reaction was to smile and say "ooooh ya" and giggle. I'm thinking it might be a good idea <strong>to let her have her make up and hair done</strong> or something on the wedding day but not let her walk down the aisle or anything. This way there is still a little something special she gets to partake in. What do you think?
    Posted by B2B61210[/QUOTE]

    Have her make up done? She's 5.
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  • chirpchirpchirpchirp member
    500 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-dont-want-a-flower-girl-but-my-fi-has-a-niece?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:33843958-bc66-4760-8df0-f3c2fc47c2d0Post:abeecf86-5c94-45ab-8678-23c3976f9d37">Re: HELP! I don't want a flower girl but my FI has a niece</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! I don't want a flower girl but my FI has a niece : Probably just a sweep of blush and some tinted chapstick.  My nieces did this for a wedding they were in and they were so excited to get their" "makeup" done like the bigger girls did.  The MAU did it on her way out the door and there was no charge.
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    I hope so, Duds.  I had visions of some of the girls from Toddlers and Tiaras
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  • NicoleSaharaNicoleSahara
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-dont-want-a-flower-girl-but-my-fi-has-a-niece?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:33843958-bc66-4760-8df0-f3c2fc47c2d0Post:dbc12fa5-fc93-4a66-8e5c-5e5f759b9e1e">Re: HELP! I don't want a flower girl but my FI has a niece</a>:
    [QUOTE]@NicoleSahara: Thank you! BTW, your wedding photos are stunningly beautiful! Love the mirror picture most =)
    Posted by B2B61210[/QUOTE]

    Oh thank you :)
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  • B2B61210B2B61210 member
    First Comment
    @ILoveMilkDuds: Thank you! That's exactly what I meant by "makeup" ;)
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  • Gabrielle76Gabrielle76
    1000 Comments
    I think your suggestion of letting the little girl get her hair/makeup done is very sweet.  I doubt the little girl knows what a flower girl is.  Maybe order an extra flower for her to get put in her hair or something?
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  • B2B61210B2B61210 member
    First Comment
    @Gabrielle76: I'm hoping she doesn't know what it means to be a FG, but I have no idea what my FSILs have said to her about her potential "role". The flower in her hair is a great idea, thanks!
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  • emilykathleen511emilykathleen511
    1000 Comments Fifth Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-dont-want-a-flower-girl-but-my-fi-has-a-niece?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:33843958-bc66-4760-8df0-f3c2fc47c2d0Post:c3ec6261-b605-4545-a444-bfeef112fbdf">Re: HELP! I don't want a flower girl but my FI has a niece</a>:
    [QUOTE]@aragx6: I don't want a flower girl because I PERSONALLY don't like it. <strong>I was a flower girl at my mom's wedding and was miserable the whole time.</strong> There are a number of things that could go wrong--kids are uncomfortable, don't feel good, etc. and I just prefer to exclude kids from the WP. @MyNameIsNot: My FI said he could go either way... <strong>he said if he had a choice he would say to have her in it,</strong> but he said it's my decision and he doesn't really care if she's not in it. @NicoleSahara: I was totally caught off guard when this happened so my immediate reaction was to smile and say "ooooh ya" and giggle. I'm thinking it might be a good idea to let her have her make up and hair done or something on the wedding day but not let her walk down the aisle or anything. This way there is still a little something special she gets to partake in. What do you think?
    Posted by B2B61210[/QUOTE]

    As to the bolded portions: I think your reasoning for not having a flower girl is really crappy. Just because YOU didn't like being a flower girl, doesn't mean that it will be every little girl's experience. A five year old will get what the job is and what she'll have to do, especially if you get her a book about it and someone talks to her about it ahead of time. If she is excited, and she feels comfortable the day of, then you can have her walk down the aisle, if not, then just have her get dressed up and not walk down the aisle. Easy-peasy.

    Just to clarify, I do think it is fine to not have children in the wedding party if that is your preference, but I just think your logic behind it is really flawed. Not every kid is going to have a bad time just because you did. My niece had the time of her life as flower girl. She got to be a "flower princess" and throw flowers and wear a pretty dress and dance the night away. Also the fact that it is your fiance's niece and HE wants her to be in the wedding is very telling; I mean, it's HIS wedding too. Just some food for thought.

    FWIW, your FSIL was WAY out of line in telling this little girl she would be in the wedding without consulting you. Good luck with your wedding planning.
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-dont-want-a-flower-girl-but-my-fi-has-a-niece?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:33843958-bc66-4760-8df0-f3c2fc47c2d0Post:c3ec6261-b605-4545-a444-bfeef112fbdf">Re: HELP! I don't want a flower girl but my FI has a niece</a>:
    [QUOTE] @MyNameIsNot: My FI said he could go either way... <strong>he said if he had a choice he would say to have her in it</strong>, but he said it's my decision and he doesn't really care if she's not in it. Posted by B2B61210[/QUOTE]

    Am I the only one who thinks it's kind of shitty that OP's FI doesn't think he has a choice regarding who's in their wedding party? 

    Being a FG doesn't have to be a miserable experience at all, as long as the bride and the parents are realistic about it - if she doesn't feel good or is crabby, no big deal, she doesn't walk!  I'm sorry you were forced into a situation you didn't enjoy when you were 5, but that doesn't mean your FI's niece's experience would be the same.  If she's excited about it and your FI wants her in it then my advice would be to have her as the FG, FSIL's rudeness aside. 

    Obviously you don't have to; if you and FI were in agreement on the no kids thing I'd agree with PPs in a heartbeat to just have FI explain to the FG's parents that you weren't planning on having one.  But the fact that your FI said he'd like her to be in it "if he had a choice" completely changes my opinion.

    **Edited to fix quote**

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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-dont-want-a-flower-girl-but-my-fi-has-a-niece?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:33843958-bc66-4760-8df0-f3c2fc47c2d0Post:451bb561-9441-4944-9227-3354c66c99ba">Re: HELP! I don't want a flower girl but my FI has a niece</a>:
    [QUOTE]Am I the only one who thinks it's kind of shitty that OP's FI doesn't think he has a choice regarding who's in their wedding party?  Being a FG doesn't have to be a miserable experience at all, as long as the bride and the parents are realistic about it - if she doesn't feel good or is crabby, no big deal, she doesn't walk!  I'm sorry you were forced into a situation you didn't enjoy when you were 5, but that doesn't mean your FI's niece's experience would be the same.  If she's excited about it and your FI wants her in it then my advice would be to have her as the FG, FSIL's rudeness aside.  Obviously you don't have to; if you and FI were in agreement on the no kids thing I'd agree with PPs in a heartbeat to just have FI explain to the FG's parents that you weren't planning on having one.  But the fact that your FI said he'd like her to be in it "if he had a choice" completely changes my opinion.
    Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

    I agree. I think it is wrong OP isn't letting her FI have any say.

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  • SB1512SB1512 member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I don't think being a FG has to be a bad experience, if the bride and the parents of the child are well prepared.  I went to a friends wedding a few years ago and her flower giflt was 5.  Her parents basically handed the child off to the bride in the morning and said, see ya later.  By the time the ceremony arrived the little girl had tears streaming down her face and one of the bridesmaids had to coax her down the aisle.  It was not a pleasant experience for the bride, the flower girl, or the guests watching.  Clearly, no one was prepared for this.  I'd say since your FI seems to want her in the wedding, you should probably consider it.  But, I'd make sure the FG's mom, or even grandma can be on hand throughout the duration of the day up to ceremony time (b/c being realistic, weddings can be a very long day for a child and crankiness can set in quite easily) to make sure she's fed throughout the day, well rested and happy. 
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  • whitney37354whitney37354 member
    Ninth Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Maybe have her hand out programs before the ceremony or hand out rice/birdseed/bubbles at the reception.  She can still get dressed up & have a part without being a flowergirl & part of the actual ceremony.
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  • B2B61210B2B61210 member
    First Comment

    I did not use my bad experience as a way to justify why I don't want a FG... I just simply DON'T WANT ONE. My FI only says he would have her in the wedding to lessen tension between us and his sister. Having children in the wedding party is a personal choice and we are all welcome to do as we please.

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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-dont-want-a-flower-girl-but-my-fi-has-a-niece?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:33843958-bc66-4760-8df0-f3c2fc47c2d0Post:b9201041-cada-4261-a914-c342f976dc1c">Re: HELP! I don't want a flower girl but my FI has a niece</a>:
    [QUOTE]I did not use my bad experience as a way to justify why I don't want a FG... I just simply DON'T WANT ONE. My FI only says he would have her in the wedding to lessen tension between us and his sister. Having children in the wedding party is a personal choice and we are all welcome to do as we please.
    Posted by B2B61210[/QUOTE]

    But if it would help your relationship with his sister (that you have to deal with the rest of your life), can't you suck it up & deal with it?

    You don't have to, but if your FI kind of wants the little girl as flower girl and it would help the relationship...it might be a nice gesture to not throw a fit about keeping the kid out of your wedding party.

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  • toothpastechicatoothpastechica member
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-i-dont-want-a-flower-girl-but-my-fi-has-a-niece?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:33843958-bc66-4760-8df0-f3c2fc47c2d0Post:4d55e450-3517-4d71-a72b-376e39197484">Re: HELP! I don't want a flower girl but my FI has a niece</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! I don't want a flower girl but my FI has a niece : But if it would help your relationship with his sister (that you have to deal with the rest of your life), can't you suck it up & deal with it? You don't have to, but if your FI kind of wants the little girl as flower girl and it would help the relationship...it might be a nice gesture to not throw a fit about keeping the kid out of your wedding party.
    Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this....If your FI is on the fence, and it would help relations with the sister....then why not? Honestly she can get ready and dressed up and if at the last minute she doesnt want to do it....dont make her do it. Not a big deal. My flowergirl is 5 and at the moment is super excited about it, but shes got a pretty stubborn personality and gets really crabby when she is tired, so we are planning on having  her in it, but if an hour before the ceremony starts shes unhappy, we take her out, no big deal. If you are having no children at the wedding period, I think that it makes sence to not, but if that is not the case...wouldnt better relationship with your sil for the rest of your life be worth the little bit of trouble having a flower girl walk down an aisle be (she doesnt even have to stand at the front if you dont want her to..she could walk down and then go sit in the front row with her mom/grandparents....). I don't think you are in the wrong ettiquit wise either way, but for the sake of continued good relations with my in-laws if it were me, I would be inclined to include her...especially since your FI has said he would like to 'if he had a choice'. (PS it is his wedding and HIS family...he should get a say even if he says he doesnt want one...he may be just trying to appease you!)

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    I think it would set a bad precedent to let FSIL bully and/or guilt her way into getting what she wants. It seems that OP doesn't want a FG and FI is neutral. FSIL has no say, so imo "no" wins out.
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  • bnnelson14473bnnelson14473 member
    First Comment
    I don't want a FG either. Why can't the SIL suck it up and understand this is not her wedding? Why should it be the bride's responsibilty to suck it up to make everyone else happy when it isn't even their wedding? FG or not this wedding is about two people wanting to spend their lives together and not about making others happy. If the SIL is going to be a crappy person because her daughter didn't get to be in a wedding then she has some serious issues.
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