Prayers Needed - BIG VENT about my sister

RealHappyGal · July 2012

O ladies, yesterday was a really bad day with my sister. I really just cant stand when I put out an olive branch and the person snatches my branch and uproots my tree.

Background for newbies and those who forgot
Originally, I didnt want bridesmaids at all, Just me, my kids and my Future Husband. That was it. Then my sister says: So you gonna just walk...no processional? I say ok, u , my bestie & my cuz can walk... here is the colors, get dresses. My sister: I think we should all get the same dress... Me: ok whatever... She then proceeds to make the dress buying process hell on wheels, not liking anything and then not having the deposit $ when the time came. It was all centered on her and her comfort.. even tho she was in VA and we are in NJ. Then with 58 days to go, we still had not picked a dress and she drops out because of a fight we got into that had NOTHING to do with the wedding... FFWD to yesterday... 32 days to go...

I woke up yesterday feeling kinda bad that my sister was no longer a part of the wedding and came up with what I thought was a GREAT idea. I'll ask her to do a reading!! Yes, thats fantastic! yup, Im gonna text her right now. I was gonna have two readings, My sons would share one and she and grooms brother, the other. GREAT... right... NOPE

I txt her " Hey ____, I know you said you no longer wanted to be a part of the wedding, but would you do a reading at the ceremony?"
Her: "It would a never came to all that if you had just apologized. You still owe me an apology. But Im not like that. So I'll do it cuz you asked me to"

HOLD UP NOW MISSY!!!! It aint all that serious...
Long story short we get into a huge argument, I told her she should do it if she felt happy to be a part of it, not cuz I asked her to. If she dont want to I KNOW I can find some one that would be HONORED to do it. I dont need negative vibes at my wedding ceremony. Keep dat and eat it... It went on to very ugly statements on both sides and her demanding an apology ...

Let me quickly tell u why she feels I owe her an apology. She's done alot for my kids esp when I was in school, I even bought her a mothers day card last year, thanking her for being my kids second mom. Baby daddy shows up at my house when she was in NJ for a few days, and I start ranting about him just showing up and how I dont show up at him and his wifes house why he gotta do that to me... She tells me he called her, I say "why he call u, u not their mom"... She took that ish and ran with it to be about how much she did for my kids blah blah bla... LADY u still not their mom nor should u be the baby daddy contact.. sorry. u may not like how it sounds but its still true. I explained to her it didnt have anything to do with her, I was mad at him... She dropped out the wedding two days after that... FFWD back to yesterday

I told that chick.. You sought revencge on me for my statement and dropped out my wedding with less than 2 months to go... No one gets revenge and an apology. When u opt for revenge, thats what u get in lue of an apology, so when u do that make sure it makes u feel good cuz thats all u are getting. I didt say anything erroneous so I dont know why I should apologize, I explained myself to you that day and you are so damn self absorbed that you think EVERYTHING is about u. Well, Im not going to devalue the meanings of my apologies by giving them out when they arent warrented. When I tell some1 "Im sorry" they know its the truth because I dont throw that ish around.... Just like "I love you"

After all this, I dont even know if shes doing the reading or not. I decided Im just gonna writer her name on the program and make her figure it out. She can refuse to go up infront of everyone or not... Is there a sibling draft? Id like to trade.

ladycane015 · July 2012

Yikes! Well I'm new to the board in a sense that I never post. I just stalk daily for the last 3 months lol...I definitely see where you were coming from when you asked "why he's calling her?" That's kinda weird. I dont think she should have taken offense to the comment especially since it was really targeted at him, you were just venting to her. On the other hand, since she was offended by the comment, i think that you guys should try to have a conversation about it so that she can better understand where you were coming from. I think you should apologize that things got this far between you guys when it could've been avoided, but not for saying why is he calling her & I think she owes you an apology as well. At the end of the day you guys are sisters and will be after the wedding so I think it's a good idea to try and fix the "misunderstanding" and I think she will regret not being a part of your day years down the road and she may even resent you for it.
SN: YAY 4 one month to go!!!!

island07b2b · July 2012

I firmly believe that if you are going to do something for someone doing without expecting anything back. If you are doing it to get something or planning to hold it over someone's head then you are a hot mess. That's a selfish motive to me and if that is your plan, I will do it myself thank you.

I don't know what is going on with your sis but in the case of your children's father contacting her to see his kids/come to the house was WAY out of line. You had every right to let her know that too. She may have helped take care of your kids but you ARE THE MOMMA. Nothing will change that and ultimately you have the say so over your kids and your home. She needs to get over herself on that.

It seems to me she wants you to kiss her butt for what she deems to have been a huge deed on her part concerning your kids and maybe other things as well. Some people want constant thanks and feel that they should always get what they want for helping you out.

I think you have already shown your thanks in many ways and that is all you can do. Continue to pray for your relationship with your sis and don't feel any guilt if you are not able to have her participate in your wedding. At this point, it is the choice SHE is making.

footballwife77 · July 2012

Hey ladycane! welcome!

Happy- Things are easier said over text than in person. how far is the distance between you guys. I think maybe you should have a sit down, talk about the issues, and go from there.

MissusD1116 · July 2012

In Response to
[QUOTE]I firmly believe that if you are going to do something for someone doing without expecting anything back. If you are doing it to get something or planning to hold it over someone's head then you are a hot mess. That's a selfish motive to me and if that is your plan, I will do it myself thank you. I don't know what is going on with your sis but in the case of your children's father contacting her to see his kids/come to the house was WAY out of line. You had every right to let her know that too. She may have helped take care of your kids but you ARE THE MOMMA. Nothing will change that and ultimately you have the say so over your kids and your home. She needs to get over herself on that. It seems to me she wants you to kiss her butt for what she deems to have been a huge deed on her part concerning your kids and maybe other things as well. Some people want constant thanks and feel that they should always get what they want for helping you out. I think you have already shown your thanks in many ways and that is all you can do. Continue to pray for your relationship with your sis and don't feel any guilt if you are not able to have her participate in your wedding. At this point, it is the choice SHE is making.
Posted by island07b2b[/QUOTE]

All of this! Well said Island....

CreoleBride30 · July 2012

@RealHappyGal: I think you you are making the right decision...keep her name on the program. You wanted her to do it and no need to take it back...if she chooses to not get up and do it, have a plan B...and let them know what's up...Maybe she will realize it's not that serious. As far as the argument, like you said...it had nothing to do with the wedding and for some reason she is hurt. And she is entitled to that just as you are entitltled to your feelings. Maybe after all the wedding stuff, you two can talk about it. You know I'm a lover for peace and cooperation...I don't have siblings and wish I did. So, once all this is over with, you two talk about the "real" issue. It seems like she is trying to hurt your feelings on purpose by not doing the reading...especially since you extended the invitation to her. I'm sorry this is happening at this moment. But you aren' the type to dwell on these things...you seem like you move on :-)

@LadyCane: Congratulations!!!!!!! Welcome to the AAF Board...the best on the knot and on the world wide web in my opinion!!!! Tell us about yourself! I'll make another posting seperat from this one!! LOL!

Cha

20pearls16 · July 2012

I don't have a sister so I can't relate. HOWEVER, she is your sister and life is too short. Squash whatever beef yall have and move on. I understand feelings are hurt and you both are frustrated but before, during and after the wedding she is STILL your sister. always remember that.

TL25 · July 2012

First off (((hugs)))! Ya sis will come around and yall relationship will be back to normal. I agree with the other ladies though yall need to sit down n talk it out, maybe with a mediator so it doesn't get heated.

futuremssweets · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_prayers-needed-big-vent-about-my-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:b6d02ea6-1363-4e01-9816-2874feae98b2Post:f03d353a-b433-4dbd-8829-9f3448a45bc4">Re: Prayers Needed - BIG VENT about my sister</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't have a sister so I can't relate. HOWEVER, she is your sister and life is too short. Squash whatever beef yall have and move on. I understand feelings are hurt and you both are frustrated but before, during and after the wedding she is STILL your sister. always remember that.
Posted by 20pearls16[/QUOTE]

All of this ! I have a sister who is my MOH and we argue and agreeback and argue again !. Bud in the end she is my sister no matter what and she is the one who helps me out when no one else is around.

S

M1ssJ · July 2012

Hugs honey and I have to say something that may be unpopular.

WHile your sister may have done things for years that she doesnt expect a thank you for anyone would be hurt if they feel like someone they are always there for is attacking them.

1) Is your sister married with kids of her own? She may be feeling a bit jealous and shut out of your life and that statement hurt her feelings. Not rational but still a possibility.

2) remember you said you woke up feeling bad she wasnt in your wedding? you didnt say that you just told her what you'd like her to do instead, which for you was an olive branch but for her may not seem that way.

At this point would just saying to her "I'm sorry if I in anyway hurt your feelings by my statement. I have loved having you there for my kids and I throughout the years and there is no way I could've made it through school without you. I dont want the actions of BD to prevent my sister from sharing in one of the most memorable days of my life. Let's move forward"

I know it sucks but being a Christ like woman is never easy but always worth it. I'd just hate to see this keep snowballing and you both feel remorseful in the end

RealHappyGal · July 2012

Honestly at this point I just dont care if I have a relationship with her anymore. I think we genuinely dont LIKE each other and if its gotta be all this offensive all the time... Ill see u at Thanksgiving.

Prayers Needed - BIG VENT about my sister

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