Bridesmaid hurt my feelings (long-ish) :(

SCogs18 · April 2012

So I may sound a little pitiful in this post, but this bridesmaid has really hurt me tonight

I posted a while ago about a my bridesmaids dresses. I thought they were a solid/safe choice, but two of my six girls were very vocal about not liking them, but refused to go shopping with me or allow us to raise the budget (which is their right). One girl eventually decided she liked it after trying it on, but the other---who is about 100 lbs over weight, remained very nasty about the dresses and stopped speaking to me (we will call her Mary). I talked it over with my mom and a sales consultant and picked a new dress that was even cheaper and would probably me more flattering. The bridesmaids were happy/didn't care, but I'm a little bummed.

Well, tonight I was speaking to a close mutual friend of mine and Mary's. Apparently Mary has spent the last several weeks telling this friend how I have horrible taste and picked the worst bridesmaid dress ever and she was going to be so embarrassed to wear it and that it was tacky and that she was so glad that "Susan finally came to her senses and did what I wanted her to---which is pick the dress that I want." I am so hurt! What ever happened to "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?" We are grown women! Why does she feel the need to be so nasty and talk behind my back like that and give me the silent treatment?!

I haven't said anything to Mary about this, and I doubt I will. I just wanted to share with someone because FI is really over bridesmaid dress drama.

Original dress/color: (it's not that bad, is it?)

And the new dress/color:

Kello4221 · April 2012

Sorry you have to deal with this. I think that both of the dresses are pretty but I actually even prefer the 2nd one, I would tend to think that the purple may be more flattering on all skin tones too (coming from a pale person).

Does "Mary" have low self esteem or body image issues? You mention that she's very overweight. Trying on the same exact dress as girls that are a lot smaller than her may have brought out her issues. Not that it makes anything she said okay, but maybe you could find a little peace if you knew she just lashed out because she was stressed/down about her image.

wineo929 · April 2012

Sorry you're dealing with this! I have BM drama, too and I really do think it's outrageous that these girls are old and mature enough to be involved in a wedding, yet can't get over the drama and cadiness typically found in a high school!!

We're here if you need to vent, but in the mean time, know you're not alone!!

wineo929 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_bridesmaid-hurt-my-feelings-long-ish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:8acb902d-147d-4cad-8e0d-a2fb3f5a4e42Post:4caf3990-dffd-429f-9224-bc76e8ee69ed">Re: Bridesmaid hurt my feelings (long-ish) :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Does "Mary" have low self esteem or body image issues? You mention that she's very overweight. Trying on the same exact dress as girls that are a lot smaller than her may have brought out her issues. Not that it makes anything she said okay, but maybe you could find a little peace if you knew she just lashed out because she was stressed/down about her image.
Posted by Kello4221[/QUOTE]

<div>I completely agree with this post, I just feel like if the BM and PP are close friends, and it was bugging her to the point that it seemed to be, that should be something she would share with PP. It's really immature to give an adult the silent treatment and then talk bad about her to a mutual friend. Even if Mary wasn't comfortable sharing that with PP, there were far better ways to handle the situation. Stinks.</div>

hollyweenOR · April 2012

Pretty much exactly what Kello said. Not that being overweight automatically means body issues, but as someone who struggles w/ weight myself, I know I've got more than a few, and in her frustration and bad feelings about the dress, it was probably easier to say bad things about the dress (and your taste) than to say that she did not like how it looked and made her feel. Definitely doesn't excuse saying catty things instead of talking to you directly about wanting to change the dress, but it might explain it, anyway. And the silent treatment is pretty junior high. Sorry you're in this situation.

If you want to clear the air, I'd probably approach gently, with as little drama as possible- "Mary, I heard from Betty how unhappy you'd been with the first dress, I wish you'd been able to come to me- you know your opinion counts with me," and see what she says. Even though she's the one doing the damage here, acting like an adolescent, go to her as an adult and give her a shot to see how communicating like a grown-up feels.

AriesAngel86 · April 2012

I'm sorry, that would upset me too! I think both dresses are very pretty.

NO2012 · April 2012

Are they dresses the same style, just different colors? They seem too similar for her to get that bent out of shape over it, which leads me to agree with pp about it really being her own body image issue, or something of the sort. It stinks that she would take her own problems out on you that way instead of talking to you about it more honestly. As far as the color goes...the first one is very similar to my own BM dress color DB's Golden, so I guess you are not alone in having horrible taste. Haha. All of my girls are very put together and dress well and they all love the color FWIW. But I do like the 2nd one too. They are both nice IMO.

lbarr088 · April 2012

Sorry your dealing with this! I ended up having minor dress drama. I gave them multiple choices and they all chose one. Upon actually trying them on some suddenly changed their mind but I was glad they were honest with me and didn't talk behind my back so we could find them something that they would feel comfortable wearing. I figured, I'm not wearing it or buying it so I can't be too demanding ... just for the color. It ended up working out OK.

Luckily a BMs "job" is to just show up sober and in her dress on the wedding day. Hopefully she can handle that bit and you don't have to deal with her much between now and then. It is true when they say weddings bring out the crazy in people!

BMcLeodTeam · April 2012

I am sorry that you're dealing with this

I would be hurt if I heard one of my girls was talking behind my back too... I agree with PPs that its likely a body image issue.

bridalmomma · April 2012

Sorry you are having to deal with this. I agree it's no excuse but I'm also thinking she prolly felt so bad about how she looked that she said some nasty things. She might have thought the bow on the first dress drew to much attention to a problem area. I think both dresses are really pretty and either one is a good choice!

CowgirlK39 · April 2012

The more BM drama I read about the more I come to this conclusion: people have lost sight of what these things are all about. There are just as many demanding BMs as there are brides, and I think it really reflects social attitudes these days. There are brides who demand the most ridiculous stuff because "Its my day!" But there are also BMs who make ridiculous demands because they want what they want, with no regard for the fact that this is their friend/family member's day. Everyone on TK says "these are your friends and you shouldn't ruin it over one day." Well, IMO, the same goes for BMs. I don't understand why someone would react as Mary did, and say "I'm glad she did what I want!" Newsflash, it's not about you.

If she had a body image reason, I would hope that she would be a good enough friend to you to express that. If I were you, I wouldn't say another thing about it. She had the chance to make legitimate comments about the dresses chosen and instead she chose to run to someone else and complain. That's on her. If she had been an adult, I'm sure (I hope) you would have been more than happy to accomodate any serious issues other than "its what I want."

As for the dress itself, I can see how the gold/tan could be a little difficult with skin tones. I like the purple better but thats just me. BUT.... the dress styles are so close it doesnt seem like it should matter to them!

akbrown19 · April 2012

TK ate my original post but I'll give it a shot again: I have had some issues with my MOH. She's very opinionated and she'll be the first to admit it. I have tried to make my peace with her attitude by understanding that what she does is never intended to hurt me or my feelings, but that she just has a different way of communicating than others.

One thing I will say is that I do try to voice my opinion with her when it counts. If something is really bothering me, I always tell her no matter how nervous I get or afraid of what her reaction might be. She always responds constructively and we work through it. Then I feel like a big weight has been lifted after I clear the air. I know our situations aren't exactly the same, but if you do decide to talk to Mary I hope she can act like an adult. There are rocky parts in all friendships, but the key is to be adult enough to constructively move forward.

rbwashington2012 · April 2012

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. As a plus size woman, both of those dresses are wonderful and I could still rock them without any problem. I have always had body issues growing up but heck you sooner or later get over them and start to love you for you. As for her being catty and "mean girlish" behind your back, I swear some folks just never grow out of that even when they get older. Some get WORST the older they get. Being a direct and upfront person (depsite being shy), I would have been honest with you if I didn't like it but also would ask, is there anyway that I could make this dress would suit my body type without taking away from your style choice? Its a lot easier and well mature to handle it that way versus being a mean girl behind your back.

Fluffernut · April 2012

I would venture to guess this is more about her own insecurities than about the dresses, as other ladies have said. I think both dresses are nice. As a pale person, I don't think the first dress would look good on me. Tan/beigy tones by my face really wash me out. I'm not sure of Mary's skin tone, but if she had some body issues AND coloring issues, I can see where she maybe wouldn't care for the dress. That does NOT give her a right to trash it and you to other people though. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and that she couldn't maturely bring up her concerns to you.

ErinW1912 · April 2012

I am sorry you are dealing with this drama-i have been there with my own sister none the less. She did not like the colors that are my wedding colors but everyone reassures me that they are great colors and she is just stubborn and hates pink so ignore her-her dress is mostly blue anyways.

I personally like the second dress better but then again I do not think everyone can pull off the first color it would probably wash alot of ppl but they are both pretty.

The BM should have just come to you and explain her concerns but I imagine it was probably the wieght issue I do not know what the other body types of your BM are so I cannot say for sure but girls are very dramatic about their body types so if you have even one skinny BM this other BM is going to feel hurt and upset if she did not like the dress-she may see it as you are picking dresses for that persons body type and not hers (not that you are just girls think that way)

cronin85 · April 2012

Both of the dresses are beautiful... I actually think they kind of like similar (other then the color). Sorry you have to deal with that....

perfect_lee · April 2012

The style of the first dress is gorgeous but the color might not suit paler skin tones (I would probably look washed out). Regardless, it could be a stinking tutu with sequins and "Mary" should have kept her mouth shut. You have been very accomodating, but part of what "Mary" agreed to when she said she'd be your BM was to support you.

Okay maybe a tutu would be a bit much, but you get my gist

I think you should tell her that you found out what she said and that you're hurt about it. If it doesn't get resolved, I don't see why she should be standing at your side pretending to be a supportive friend.

caterpillar85 · April 2012

Poor Susan! You have been having an awful time with them!! :HUGS:

I have said this before on our FB page, but I'll say it again... every girl who is going to be a BM needs to watch 27 Dresses! Then they will realize that our dresses, though they might not be their favorites, are perfectly acceptable and beautiful dresses.

An acquaintance/friend of mine from high school got married last year and I made her wedding cake. I guess right before our consultation she was talking to one of her BMs who basically had the same fit as Mary. I remember she said the girl was hysterical because she wanted to wear a short dress with spaghetti straps, but the dress was knee length and a halter. (big difference right?) My friend told her "when you get married you can put me in whatever you want, but this is what I picked so deal with it. I'm not putting you in a sailor suit or anything!"
I thought it was funny.

Bridesmaid hurt my feelings (long-ish) :(

Re: Bridesmaid hurt my feelings (long-ish) :(

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