Dadzilla?

sbrabec · March 2010

I didn't see a family board or Fathers of the bride board so I figured I would start here to see what would come up. My fiance and I are doing the wedding ourselves, I figured that my dad would never foot the bill for my wedding so this isn't a shocker and I'm comfortable with it. I think my dad is trying to keep things fair between my brothers and I. That hasn't stopped him from being a huge stress on me. He has said some really damaging things to me and our relationship was already weak. For instance, that I will be a tasteless bride and a bad wife. I cried for a week straight, no exaggerations, and I'm still very upset. This isn't the first time in our lives my dad has been abusive towards women, including me.
My point here is, I always looked forward to my father giving me away just as much as my groom receiving me but with his poor attitude, I'm regreting even inviting Dad. My mother remarried a great man, who I also have asked to walk me down the aisle. Originally it was going to be a joint effort with my real father and step-father giving me away, but I am reconsidering having only my step-father in light of things. How would you go about it? Would you suck it up for appearances? The whole family will be there.

britne28 · March 2010

Why, if your dad is abusive towards you, would you look forward to him walking down the aisle? If that was my dad I would tell him that due to the way he insists on treating you that your step-father will be walking you down the aisle and doing the father/daughter dance with you. Don't accept his treatment of you.

emmy82087 · March 2010

I would go with your gut. If your real dad is treating you like crap and your step dad is willing to walk you down the aisle, i would go with him. and if your real dad asks why he isnt walking you down the aisle, tell him the truth. just dont do the truth revealing to your real dad the day of your wedding or the whole day will be ruined.

squirrly · March 2010

Based on your OP, I'd ditch dad and either walk with step-dad, or walk by myself down the aisle.

LarissaAnn · March 2010

I know how hard it is to give up on family members, even horrid, abusive ones, so I understand how you still held out hope that things would somehow fall into place for your wedding.

But you need to have a survival instinct too. You need to make sure that YOU are ok, first and foremost.

That means don't have your biological father walk you down the aisle. But beyond that, it means don't be afraid to hang up on him when you're on the phone and he gets ugly, don't be afraid to turn right around and walk out of his house if you visit and he gets ugly, don't be afraid to throw him out of your house, or to leave someone else's house if he's there and gets ugly. Defend yourself by shutting him down. He has no right to say the things he says, and he has no right to hurt you. You have every right to stop him.

It's not easy. But it gets easier over time. And if you need to cut him off entirely, do it. For your own sanity.

cukimerrydoll · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dadzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69c1fa9f-4602-4f46-b95f-5a74b34cabf2Post:ef147188-4783-4552-a792-20781667210b">Re: Dadzilla?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know how hard it is to give up on family members, even horrid, abusive ones, so I understand how you still held out hope that things would somehow fall into place for your wedding. But you need to have a survival instinct too. You need to make sure that YOU are ok, first and foremost. That means don't have your biological father walk you down the aisle. But beyond that, it means don't be afraid to hang up on him when you're on the phone and he gets ugly, don't be afraid to turn right around and walk out of his house if you visit and he gets ugly, don't be afraid to throw him out of your house, or to leave someone else's house if he's there and gets ugly. Defend yourself by shutting him down. He has no right to say the things he says, and he has no right to hurt you. You have every right to stop him. It's not easy. But it gets easier over time. And if you need to cut him off entirely, do it. For your own sanity.
Posted by LarissaAnn[/QUOTE]

She is right, it does get easier over time. I have a similar situation with my mom. She calls my ideas tacky (though they are actually very traditional), and says a lot of the same things to me.

A couple weeks ago, I just walked out of the house. I'm not afraid of doing that anymore. I've done it before - she gets abusive when she's stressed out. No excuse, but it's true.

try not to let him shut you down or kill your spirits (hard, I know), but if your parents aren't together, he may be projecting his own issues into the situation (still not okay). Try not to let it get to you, and do what you are comfortable with. If you step-dad is more of a parent, have him give you away.

LadyJ10 · March 2010

I'm so sorry that your father is treating you this way. Not only is it okay for you to have your step-father give you away by himself, but you really deserve to surround yourself with loving and supportive people on your wedding day. With such horrid and unsupportive comments, not only does he not deserve to walk you down the aisle, he also doesn't have any space to question your decision -- but keep in mind that he still might and may even have more hurtful things to say.

I agree with PP that, as difficult as it is, it's important to learn self preservation and how to hang up/remove yourself from the abusive situation whenever possible.

LesaBear · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dadzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:69c1fa9f-4602-4f46-b95f-5a74b34cabf2Post:d5c249e1-c1f5-4ce2-b04b-96856ab633f0">Dadzilla?</a>:
[QUOTE] Would you suck it up for appearances? The whole family will be there.
Posted by sbrabec[/QUOTE]

If you start worrying about what everyone else will think now, you'll have a very long road ahead of you.

ams777 · March 2010

This should be what you want, not what you think they family wants to see. Decide who you are closer to and have him walk you down the aisle. It won't be easy to tell your dad, but you could explain the reasons and leave it at that. This is the one day in your whole life that you're allowed to be selfish! Do what makes you happy!

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