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Introduction and question! (Long)
Hiya ladies, I'm kind of new around here. I use to be a regular a while back. I'm reintroducing myself! My name is Paige, I'm 22 and I'm a cosmetologist. My SO's name is Matthew, same age, and he's an electrical lineman. We've been together for four years. 
On another note, I have a question for anyone who is living with their SO or going to move in with them. Right now M and I live about an hour from each other but in March I'm going to be moving down to Denver with him. We've decided to live together, for us it just makes sense both emotionally and financially. We've talked a lot about it, weighed the pros and cons, and have decided we're ready. But there's just one problem.
My parents are very conservative and religious and when I sat down and told them that we have decided to live together, it didn't go over to well. I explained to them our reasoning and after some long discussion they told me that although they wish we wouldn't they understand.
Well today I was talking to my dad and he got all mad and told me that he feels like if I move in with BF that he will no longer be able to give me away. He said that is his right as a father to be able to give me away and that if I live with M before we get married that it won't be the same. I'm at a loss of what to do. I understand but ultimately it's our decision and we're adults and will be financially independent and on our own.
Have any of you ladies gone through something similar. How did you handle conservative families, and telling your families? Thanks in advance!
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Re: Introduction and question! (Long)
Still here and still fabulous!
[QUOTE]He told me that he's mainly worried because we won't be married and he doesn't want something to happen, like an unplanned pregnancy or break up.
Posted by prbright[/QUOTE]
<div>I think that's the case 99% of the time, why parents are so adament about not "shacking up". A lot of them see it as "If you can make the commitment to live with each other, why can't you make the commitment to marry each other?" A lot of the times it's because they're convinced that because you're living together, you WILL be having sex, and the thought of you becoming pregnant to a guy who hasn't shown publicly that he intends to marry you regardless of what happens is troubling.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, depending on what state you're in, there are common-law marriage "rules" that can be even more complicated than you think. Around here, if you're living together, your belongings become his and vice versa. So, even though I would never wish any kind of bad luck on you, should the two of you split, you won't be getting all of your things back as easily as you brought them in. He has just as much say over them as you.</div>
Also I don't think i could take it if my dad said "I want to have the right to give you away" that just irks me on many levels.
Motolyn's House Remodel Blog Starting anew Nov. 2012.
[QUOTE]Hulu- I completely understand where he is coming from. I, too, also had some concerns as well about what were to happen if we broke up etcetra. Truth is, anything can happen, but if I didn't believe that we were going to get married in the future I wouldn't move in with him. And of course we have talked about what would happen and what we would do if a sitatuion like that arose.
Posted by prbright[/QUOTE]
<div>That's encouraging to hear, prbright, and I hope that you should never find yourself having to make a decision like that (what to do if you ended up pregnant, I mean). I think you'll find that a <strong>LOT </strong>of girls here on NEY are either living with their BF/FI or did previous to getting married. I think girls like me may actually be in the minority, but everything's different for everyone.</div><div>
</div><div>My FI's mom wanted us to be engaged for two years, and living together for at least one of those years. Needless to say, it's not happening, and she was very supportive anyway, that was just her opinion. My parents, on the other hand, are ultra-conservative, and would strangle me if I chose to "shack up" with someone. However, this doesn't really bother me too much, as I would like to wait to move in together after we get married. It's just one more new experience I want to experience after the wedding. (Did I mention I hate opening presents before Christmas? No matter what, I will always wait, because I want the ultimate experience on Christmas day.)</div>
[QUOTE]<strong>I always think it's funny when someone uses the unplanned pregnancy argument against moving in together. Chances are, if people are considering moving in together, they are already having sex (not always, but most likely). People make it seem like living in a house together somehow makes you super fertile...</strong> Anyways, something else to consider though is if you still receive financial support from your parents, you have to be willing to give that up if it comes down to it. I'm not sure your situation, but just wanted to throw that out there.
Posted by swhite2012[/QUOTE]
<div>Ya, I find this funny too. </div><div>
</div><div>When FI and I (BF at the time) decided to move in together, my Mom wasn't thrilled, but I was able to rationally explain our reasons and she was OK with it. A year later we bought a house together (still not yet engaged), and she was ecstatic! It had just taken her some time to adjust to the fact that her oldest daughter was growing up, and leaving the nest for good (I had been living at school, and still was when FI moved in). I really think if you continue acting maturely in this situation it should come out OK.</div>
Life is good today.
[QUOTE]We broke it to my parents, my mom knew there wasn't anything she could do so she gave us her blessing, my dad just looked FI straight in the face and said. "In my eyes you're married and a family" this was before FI proposed so were just BF/GF. <strong>Also I don't think i could take it if my dad said "I want to have the right to give you away" that just irks me on many levels. </strong>
Posted by motoLyn[/QUOTE]
That really irked me too. First, I find the whole "giving away" thing to be condescending, as if you are property being transferred from your father's possession to your H's possession. Second, I don't think any father has an inherent "right" to walk you down the aisle. He should see it as an honor if his daughter chooses him to do so.
ETA: <span style="display:inline;" class="hw-view-span">I completely sympathize with the situation you're in.</span><span style="display:inline;" class="hw-view-span"> I live with my FI and while his parents are very understanding, my parents are quite uptight about it, and I can tell you now that there's not much you can do to change your parent's opinion of you and your BF living together. It's engrained in their religious beliefs (just as it is with my parents), which they are very unlikely to change. Sure, they may come to terms with this in the future, but I wouldn't expect them to accept it right away.</span>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Introduction and question! (Long) : That really irked me too. First, I find the whole "giving away" thing to be condescending, as if you are property being transferred from your father's possession to your H's possession. <strong> Second, I don't think any father has an inherent "right" to walk you down the aisle.</strong> He should see it as an honor if his daughter chooses him to do so.
Posted by KiloBravo7[/QUOTE]
<div>This especially.</div><div>
</div><div>My father walked out of my life when I was 10 years old and did not speak to me again until my highschool graduation. He deliberately chose to not be involved with my life (and managed to get divorced, marry, get divorced, and remarry in the time it took us to reconnect). While I am happy my father and I are rebuilding our relationship (very slowly, might I add), there is no doubt in my mind that IF I choose to have ANYONE walk me down the aisle, that my grandfather will be the first person I ask. We're leaving out the "Who gives this woman" from the vows completely.</div>
[QUOTE]Thank you all for the advice. I know that eventually they will get over it, because ultimately I'm not giving them any choice. It's our decision and I will respect their advice and opinions but it wont change our mind. And as far as him wanting to give me away, I understand why a lot of women don't like the idea of this but my father and I are very close. To me having my dad walk me down the aisle and give me away is very important to me. I respect my father and knowing he approves of my husband and being there for me is meaningful to me. I understand that not everyone feels this way, but for me its not being viewed as property more so as his daughter and <strong>symbolozing my move from one family (his) to starting my own family.</strong>
Posted by prbright[/QUOTE]
Agreed. I think that that is a very special part of the ceremony, it's just the actual term "giving away" that I think could be worded more accurately, since you can't give something you don't posses in the first place. There are better ways to describe that action of transitioning from your parent's family, to creating a new family with your H.
Or maybe I'm just being too nit-picky and taking the term too literally. :)
[QUOTE]I remember your pic! What was your old name again?
Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]
I think it was luvdncn or something like that.
I recognize the picture, too.
Welcome back!
"His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa
I've been living with my BF for two years, and we never dealt with this. My parents are somewhat religious, but not at all conservative, and they didn't mind at all. His parents didn't care in the slightest - so unfortunately, I can't relate enough to this situation to give advice from that standpoint.
I can tell you, however, that my reaction to my father saying anything that old school and sexist to me would be irritation. I would have told my own dad that my heart is my own to give away, and that my SO has had it for a while anyway, living arrangement aside. I would remind him that it isn't 1800 and that women are no longer gamepieces of their father's and husband's. I'd remind him that he raised me well enough that I have a mind of my own, that I work for what I want, and that I make good decisions when it comes to my life and my own future, and that he should trust that.
I'm not sure if that is at all what you are feeling, so it might be no help to you. I can understand not wanting to get into a huge feminist argument with your dad, but that is just what my initial gut reaction is in this scenario. More than likely, he's just going through a tough time seeing you take yet another step toward adulthood and away from him, and he's approaching it in a sideways fashion because he hasn't sorted out his own feelings all the way yet. That's why I think it's important to stand firm but also have some compassion - tell him you love him and he will always be your dad, but that you are an adult now and more than capable of making your own decisions.