crazy bridesmaid

bridesmaid1980 · February 2010

I am the maid of honor in a wedding for one of my dearest friends. One of the bridesmaid is a friend of ours who has lets say "changed" a bit over the years. she has become completely unpredictable and at times makes terrible scenes of anger in public. I am very nervous that she will do something off the wall at one of the wedding events. I dont want to discuss this in depth with the bride so she is not worrying about it. Any advice PLEASE!!!!

baystateapple · February 2010

What constitutes "off the wall"? Can you be a little more specific?

CTGirl30 · February 2010

So you both are friends with the other BM....do you know if she might have a stressful or otherwise emotionally trying situation in her life that's causing her to have these outbursts? I'd be worried about her if she wasn't normally like this and suddenly began exhibiting this type of explosive behavior...has anyone tried talking to her as a friend first (rather than BM who might disrupt a wedding event) to see what might be behind her anger and the ourburts? Sounds like she's either dealing with something that's pushing her coping mechanisms to the edge or she might be struggling with an emotional disorder (extreme case scenario but not totally out of the question - just sayin').

Wedding events aside...maybe this girl needs a concerned friend first to ask her if she's okay / see what's going on.

Is there something related to the upcoming wedding festivities you fear might trigger her in particular? All that aside, though, I'd advise tackling this issue as friends first rather than bridesmaids, etc...sounds like something is going on and she cuold probably use the support of her friends / family if it's this bad.

mbcdefg · February 2010

It's hard to give advice since we don't know the exact situation here. But as long as she's not being physically violent, verbally abusive to a guest or really causing a scene (taking off her clothes, jumping on tables, throwing drinks, etc.), then I would try and ignore her. Barring a serious mental problem, she probably just wants attention for her behavior.

If she just gets mad at something and starts yelling, then I would take her by the arm, lead her out to the lobby or bathroom and let her finish her rant away from prying eyes. (Sometimes, when someone is angry, telling them to "calm down" or "this is Bride's day, don't spoil it with your attitude" only fires them up more. Depending on your exact situation, it might be best to just let her finish yelling and let it all out.) If she's truly causing trouble, then have someone escort her out of the event all together.

What kinds of "wedding events" are you talking about? The only things she'd really "need" to participate in (and I use that word loosely, since she isn't technically required to show up at anything other than the actual wedding ceremony) are the shower, bachelorette party and rehearsal/rehearsal dinner. If she expresses disinterest at attending any of these events, it's probably best to not push the issue and let her stay home. And if it's something like dress shopping, invitation stuffing, favor assembling, etc., then maybe just don't invite her along at all.

emilyinchile · February 2010

I agree that it sounds like something may be going on with her, either mentally or just in terms of life problems.

But to answer your question, what kind of thing usually sets her off? It is just totally random rages, or do minor annoyances cause a more serious reaction from her? What does she actually do? I agree with mbc, if she's just being rude to someone at the reception then that's not ideal but won't ruin things, but if she's actually causing major problems maybe you can talk to the venue staff on the day of and ask them to please keep an eye on her and escort her out if necessary.

Also, is she rational about this anger? I think there's a difference between causing a scene at dinner and at someone's wedding, and I think most normal adults would agree. If you're able to talk to her about it beforehand (which you might want to do just to check in and see what's causing all this, outside of wedding stuff), maybe you can be assured that she understands the importance of this day for your friend.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Focus more on the fact that your friend has wildly and uncharacteristically changed, not how this affects the wedding. Take the wedding out of this.

Not knowing exactly what happened, it could be anything from her true colors coming through to developing a mental illness. But this isn't about you or your wedding. It's about your friend.

Even if she comes and makes a scene, I promise you that you will neither notice or care. You are so busy and on such a high of joy at your wedding that you won't notice anything weird that anyone does. And if you do, it won't bother you.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Sorry, just read that you're the BM. But that advice goes for the bride.

If the bride isn't concerned, you shouldn't be.

aerinpegadrak · February 2010

The standard advice is "friends first, bride/bridesmaids second." Deal with her friend to friend, not as the maid of honor trying to control an errant bridesmaid. Trust me, if you do the latter, it's more than likely going to backfire spectacularly.

If the bride is aware of what's going on and doesn't think it's going to be a problem, I would definitely let it go.

bridesmaid1980 · February 2010

Thank you all for sending advice. I totally agree that i need to deal with her as a person and find out what is going on. I have talked to her numerous times over the years and she is extremely passive in conversation and i can not seem to help. The Bride is aware of her past actions and the 3 of us have been very close over the years. The rest of the bridesmaids are from the grooms side. She has already directed anger towards me being chosen for maid of honor and will not say anything to the bride about it. So for those reasons i feel somewhat obligated to make sure things stay calm at the shower, bachelorette party and of course wedding day. I have been direct about any wedding issues she may have and she expressed noting but happiness to me about participating. Then a few days later i get nasty emails from her. I have chosen not to respond to her when she is acting in this manner. I love the bride dearly and want this to be a great time for her. I feel left on egg shells and the anxiety of it has been adding up. Thanks again for your words of wisdom and I will gladly accept any more you may have!

banana468 · February 2010

ECB, where have you been? Your baby is freakin' adorable!

BTW, I also like your advice.

crazy bridesmaid

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