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Wedding Rant

Re: Wedding Rant

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:489a0dda-8af1-4d8e-b2a6-763fab580722Post:aad9362c-ec3d-4b95-8fdb-0ead686fcc8f">Wedding Rant</a>:
    [QUOTE]My parents are annoying. They want a big fat Chinese wedding and think we are completely wasting our money on our ceremony (50 people). So now, we are going for the Chinese dinner thing IN ADDITION to our ceremony+reception. Fine with us since Dad is paying (the 2-300 people are all his buddies anyway). However, the majority of the 50 people will also attend the Chinese dinner (since it includes aunts/cousins etc.). In Chinese weddings, people give money as wedding presents. Due to us having 2 dinners, it would be really unfair for them to have to give twice. So OK, I say we don't expect any presents for our wedding because we're having a semi-destination wedding (I say semi because the flight will only cost $20). My parents think it is unfair asking people to fly an hour and spend $20 per person on the flight for the wedding. I say "if they don't want to come, that's their choice". His parents aren't contributing at all. They are not poor (although not rich either) but it would be nice if they could contribute something (even if it's just labour). I'm feeling quite annoyed about it all. His family isn't close at all but his mother has already invited her sister + her family (by not close, I mean we don't even see them once a year. I saw them once in over 5 years). One person = $150 for food and drinks. So now, we have an additional $750 to pay for people we never see. Dutch culture is such that if presents are given, it will be like $20 per couple/family. Hardly covers the bread you get at the beginning of the meal. I can rant even more. When Chinese people get married, you have this tea ceremony thing. Traditional families also have this ceremony where the groom's family sends a pig, jewellery, about $10 000 cash (which the bride's family will usually return to the couple for the reception or will return to the groom's family) and some other stuff. We are skipping that. However, the tea ceremony is essential. What happens is we pour tea for the older people, they drink and give us a money packet and/or jewellery. The groom's mother is the central part here- meaning all eyes will be on her and this is when she lavishes her daughter-in-law with some nice jewels  (maybe like a necklace, earrings and a bracelet)haha. Basically, if she doesn't, everyone thinks she doesn't approve of her DIL. My MIL will never do that (give jewellery). I didn't tell her about the jewels part but I think it's not going to happen considering they are not paying for anything and when their daughters got married, they didn't get jewellery either so obviously, as a lowly DIL, I can hardly expect anything. My problem is I would then love to leave them out of the tea ceremony thing because I will have to put up with crap like "Pfft, Dutch people are so stingy" . Enough ranting for now;)
    Posted by meiiseenei[/QUOTE]

    JIC

    Chinese and/or Dutch customs are out of my realm. 

    But, no matter the culture, you can't tell people how to spend their money.   Or their time (since you mentioned that your IL's could contribute 'labour' to your wedding).
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  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Have you considered talking to your future inlaws about the tea ceremony and the expectations?

    Forget asking your in-laws for cash. That's just rude.
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  • sister2groomsister2groom
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If I were invited to multiple wedding receptions, I would not feel obligated to give multiple gifts.

    You need to stop worrying about money so much. His parents are not obligated to give you money, because ANY money from ANYONE is a gift. (By the way, you don't have to honor invitations that a non-paying parents makes).

    And no one is obligated to bring a gift, much less a gift of a certain amount. If financial contributions will bother you that much perhaps you should have a less expensive wedding.
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  • meiiseeneimeiiseenei
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Agreed. We are completely fine with shelling out for the entire ceremony and reception with zero gifts. That's why I told my Dad that he can have the money packets for his reception.

    First off, weddings in Chinese culture is a community affair. People give money and are happy to help out. My dad thinks people will be obliged to give to both receptions (actually, knowing them, they WILL) and I obviously, do not want them to give so much. That's why we told them we do not want gifts. My dad thinks we should pay for flight and accomodation for everyone. We do not want to nor can afford to. Our philosophy is: we're inviting you because we like and appreciate your attendance. However, if they cannot/don't want to come, that is their problem. We won't hold it against them.

    I would never ask anyone for cash. Didn't even ask my own parents for anything but it doesn't mean I can't feel a little sad if his parents don't offer anything (not even labour). As I said, they are far from poor. In any event, that IS their money and they have a right to spend how they see fit. It's just very weird in my eyes when Dutch families go separate when it comes to meals (like eg. Christmas, everyone brings a dish or pays $10 to the dinner or if we have a meal outside, every couple pays for themselves- even if it's close family).

    I could talk to them about the traditions and cultures but I am afraid they may think I am angling for something. My fiance agrees. I think I am just quite tired of making excuses for them (which I will have to AGAIN when the tea ceremony thing happens). They came over to my country, my family brought them out for dinner at least 10 times. They never once offered to pay. It's just odd in my eyes, I guess
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:489a0dda-8af1-4d8e-b2a6-763fab580722Post:238138ad-d1e9-4a4f-83e3-20dbf9f7632b">Re: Wedding Rant</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>when Dutch families go separate when it comes to meals (like eg. Christmas, everyone brings a dish or pays $10 to the dinner or if we have a meal outside, every couple pays for themselves- even if it's close family). </strong>
    Posted by meiiseenei[/QUOTE]


    I'm not being snarky, but have you seriously never heard the term 'going Dutch'?   It literally means to split the check and everyone pays their own way.
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  • meiiseeneimeiiseenei
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Have you ever heard of the term Americans are fat and dumb?

    Not to be snarky either but it is still annoying when YOUR family (meaning my own in-laws) fit the ultimate stereotype of Dutch people.

    See the topic "Wedding RANT"
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  • skippylouwhoskippylouwho member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    IT seems like you are really concerned with who is giving you things and not with getting married and starting a new life together.
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:489a0dda-8af1-4d8e-b2a6-763fab580722Post:5fc7e7f6-2687-4985-9ddf-d44f25e5b1be">Re: Wedding Rant</a>:
    [QUOTE]IT seems like you are really concerned with who is giving you things and not with getting married and starting a new life together.
    Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]

    This.  You keep stating that you're not concerned about the money and aren't asking for anything but you're still ragging on the fact that your FIL's are not contributing, when YOU KNOW that that's not how they operate...Hence splitting checks and going potluck at family dinners/holidays. 

    The score-keeping here is ridiculous. 
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:489a0dda-8af1-4d8e-b2a6-763fab580722Post:5fc7e7f6-2687-4985-9ddf-d44f25e5b1be">Re: Wedding Rant</a>:
    [QUOTE]IT seems like you are really concerned with who is giving you things and not with getting married and starting a new life together.
    Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this too.  Keeping track of who gives what or who does what is going to get old very, very quickly.  Your whole rant is about money. 
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  • AuntFloAuntFlo member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:489a0dda-8af1-4d8e-b2a6-763fab580722Post:887cce4b-1d33-400c-86c0-36c3103b3cc0">Re: Wedding Rant</a>:
    [QUOTE]Have you ever heard of the term Americans are fat and dumb? Not to be snarky either but it is still annoying when YOUR family (meaning my own in-laws) fit the ultimate stereotype of Dutch people. See the topic "Wedding RANT"
    Posted by meiiseenei[/QUOTE]


    Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!    mrs.conn, you just got SERVED!!!!
    �
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:489a0dda-8af1-4d8e-b2a6-763fab580722Post:8b807fe4-3e8f-46a8-b713-e976c34d191c">Re: Wedding Rant</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Rant : Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!    mrs.conn, you just got SERVED!!!!
    Posted by AuntFlo[/QUOTE]

    I'm know.  I'm crying now. Thank God I have this computer screen to hide my tears. 
    Report Reply
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Your dad is trying to shake you down for a helluva lot of money for a tradition that he wants and you don't really, it seems.  I'd just say no to the big traditional thing, if it were me in this situation.
    image
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    kuus, no kidding. 

    there are a lot of korean and jewish wedding traditions that we didn't follow, and our parents somehow managed to save face, mainly by not being total dillholes about any of it.

    oh, and yes -- my parents paid for my wedding.
    image
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:489a0dda-8af1-4d8e-b2a6-763fab580722Post:aad9362c-ec3d-4b95-8fdb-0ead686fcc8f">Wedding Rant</a>:
    [QUOTE]No point ranting
    Posted by meiiseenei[/QUOTE]

    No point deleting either.
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  • meiiseeneimeiiseenei
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, noticed as much
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