PUT IN A TOUGH SPOT, WHAT SHOULD I DO?? SOME ADVICE PLS! ( LONG, APOLOGIZE)

tinakling · October 2011

Hello ladies,
I live in Canada. I am currently engaged an planning my wedding for May 2012. I recently graduated from a Social Work program this April and started my career, working a decent job, my FI is also currently working full-time with someone who does building carpentry as an appretice making a decent income as well.

Ok so I am 21 this November, my fiance is also 21 (a few months older than I am). So we've been together for 2 years now, we started our relationship not thinking it would go anywhere, but because God had a different plan for us, it became a very serious non-sexual mature relationship, and we decided to get married. The decision came up about 3 months into the relationship but we decided to pray about it and trust God for direction. Our goal was to be married in 2012, after I've worked for about 1 year after graduating and my FI working on his career. And all that is happening successfully.

So we are interracial, young and attend different churches.I am originally African, my fiance is Canadian, we're both christians but attend different denominations, we are studing together and working hard to serve God together and to not allow any doctrinal difference to interfere our relationship and future home.

Our families are accepting of our relationship I mean the race part, however my mom is not very encouraging about us getting married, because she feels like we're too young and is scared of what pple might say. Whenever my mom talks about the marriage there always "rush" in the sentence. She has talked to an adult friend of mine who i really trust and now my friend is advising me to go back to school and to focus on my life and not rush into marriage.

You see ladies, I feel like we set a goal and prayed about it , God has helped us and in addition we are working diligently towards it. I am very stressed about the lack of support from my family, and they also keep bringing up the fact that we are from separte denominations. Meanwhile they are unaware of the research we are doing as a couple just cos we don't wanna live in the boxed mind-frame of doctrines, but just by what we learn from the bible.

This is supposed to be the most exciting time in my life, but i am constantly under stress and worried, what can I do?
Help!

AllyG303 · October 2011

There are plenty of girls on this board that have gotten married/are getting married young. I'm not one of them, and have been with FI for 7 1/2 years, so there definitely wasn't any rushing on my part, but considering you seem set in your life, as does FI, and you have sought God as a couple in your relationship, I don't see too much of a problem.

Have you actually sat down with your parents and discussed their specific concerns? They may be using the term "rushing into it" to cover up feelings on another issue. Are there things that you parents dislike about FI? About his family? The way he treats you, or the way you are around him? There may be some underlying issue that they haven't confronted you with.

I think until you have a conversation with them about what specifically bothers them, then there isn't much you can do. Also, you might want to sit down with your friend that your mother talked to and see if you can pull any information out of her about your mother's reservations.

sessionswedding · October 2011

Put it this way: there is no harm in waiting a little while longer to get married, but getting married too early can have negative consequences. But it's ultimately up to you and your FI and what you feel God is leading you to do.

tinakling · October 2011

So I have already had some of these discussions, but my mother did not give any reasons.
I am a big financial, emotional and organizational support to my family right now, FI is good and my family can testify to that, its just that we attend a Pentecostal church that believes in tongue speaking and Gifts of the holy spirit but his church'es uderstanding of that is different to mine.

FaithCaitlin · October 2011

I'll be getting married when I'm 21. My FI will be 23. He has a good, well paying job. I will have graduated from college before my wedding. It sounds like we are ij the same boat. Honestly, and this is not super helpful advice, you need to do what's right for you two. That said, it REALLY helps to have the support of your family when planning a wedding. If your mom will never be happy, then get married whenever you want. If there is something you can do to make your family more accepting of the relationship, push back your wedding (within reason) to try to accommodate that. Of course, pray about this and talk with your FI. Just because you set a goal doesn't mean that it's what you should do for certain. Good luck!

faith415 · October 2011

I think that it's important that you and your FI have a serious discussion about what you believe and why. Once the two of you have made that decision together then maybe it would help your family if you say down and explained it to them. I know I used to go to a church that didn't believe in tounges at all, and when I joined a church that did my parents were very worried about it. After I sat down with them and explained exactly what the church believed in and why I agreed with them my family was much more understand and accepting.

I would definitely have a serious conversation with your family explaining how you're feeling and see if they can give you some of their reasoning. If you haven't explained to your parents how you came to your decision to get married in 2012, maybe that would be helpful as well.

Unfortunately sometimes you just have to do what is best for the two of you even if your family doesn't understand or agree. FI and I are decently young, 22 and 24, and even though we've been together 6 years my FMIL still makes comments about how she wishes we would wait longer since FI is still working on college. We finally explained why we decided to get married now with him not finished and she has been a lot more accepting of us not waiting any longer. Hopefully sitting down with them and having a very open and honest discussion will help! I know it stinks not having support during such an exciting time!

DramaGeek · October 2011

we got engaged at 20, married at 22 (well, I was 21 and 49 weeks ;-) ). Before we even talked to our families about it, we had a series of long conversations - I'm talking several hours each day for a week or so - to hash out all of the major questions, and a lot of the minor ones too. We had a plan, so it was a lot easier for our parents (especially mine) to swallow that we were getting married young AND before we'd finished college. We were so thorough that at one point our pastor looked at us and said, "other than that it's required, I'm not sure why we're doing premarital counseling. You guys have already figured all these things out!" Apparently he usually gets couples in that haven't talked about it alll, but we felt we didn't have a choice since we knew people would question how ready we were or weren't.

Anyway, we had a plan, we knew it was right for us, and we went for it. We celebrate 9 years in December. There have definitely been rough times and it hasn't all been smooth sailing (especiall year 6...for some reason year 6 really sucked), but I wouldn't change it for anything.

I can totally understand where your parents are coming from re: worrying about you getting married young, but I also know that it can work and it has worked for so many people. You just have to be willing to put in the time, effort, and energy. Since your mom is obviously concerned, I'd continue to have the conversations with her, continue to talk with your Fi about the things that you either haven't discussed yet or don't have an agreement on yet (where will you attend church? If your faith differs, what will you teach any potential future children? Etc).

Also, have you thought about starting couples counseling? Not to treat a problem or anything, but so that an unbiased 3rd party can help you determine if you're really ready (or not).

Continue to pray about it, continue to seek the counsel of those who are older and wiser, continue to do your Bible study with your Fi. Ultimately, the decision lies with you, but do wait until you are 100% sure this is God's path for you right now.

tinakling · October 2011

Thank you ladies for your honest opinions, appreciate them! Thanks "Dramageek"it's definitely encouraging to hear that we're not the first couple doing this. We are praying daily about it. I actually felt like sitting with our parents and discussing our plans took away from us being matured adults and the part of us being able to make good decisions, But I hear what you ladies are saying and so maybe we should start really laying down our plans with my mom especially. Also we will be doing about 3 different pre-marital counselings, and we're going to have personal sessions with some couples who we see as having an exemplary marriage as well. But anyways thanks again for the advice.

mrandmrsbrist · October 2011

I'm young. Younger than you and I just got married in August. And we aren't even done with school yet...

However, we didn't have a problem with our parents. We were expecting to, but didn't. We were engaged for almost a month without telling anyone and we spent that month talking through everything we could think of, much like Dramageek described. I was nervous to tell my parents, but they were very gracious and accepting from the beginning. For me, having the support of my parnets was a big part of this, but I don't know if you're the same.

PUT IN A TOUGH SPOT, WHAT SHOULD I DO?? SOME ADVICE PLS! ( LONG, APOLOGIZE)

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