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FMIL: Need to Vent

sweets18sweets18
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in African American Weddings
Hello,

I know I don't write on here often, but I read daily...lol. My FMIL is trying to drive me and FI crazy! Our current guest list is almost at 200 and is growing daily! Our goal was to keep the guest list at 150 or lower. Well, a lot of people have been suggesting that we have two receptions, a cake reception immediately following the ceremony at the church where everyone and their momma can come and later on have a formal dinner reception at a different location. That plan sounded great to FI and my family... well FMIL was not feeling that idea... in fact she went off about how it would be an embarrassent to her family, and her community (she is Kenyan) for her son to not invite everyone to the wedding, and about how no one should eat cake before dinner (even though we would have a cake at the dinner reception too--- so she wouldn't  be forced to eat cake before dinner). Now, keep in mind that FMIL is not paying a dime for anything besides the rehearsal dinner,,,which I am still keeping my fingers crossed about.

So our solution was to split the guest list up completely and give both her and my parents a total of 45 people to invite (FI and I would invite the rest). If anyone of them wants to invite extra people they will have to give us a check to accomodate those individuals. What do you guys think? Was our idea to have two receptions stupid? HELP!!!


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Re: FMIL: Need to Vent

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    A&M_AbyssA&M_Abyss
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    edited December 2011
    Sounds like you and I are in the same boat girl.

    I would absolutely tell them that if they want to invite over 45ppl then they should cough up a check for those additional people.

    I don't think your idea to have 2 receptions was "stupid" some cultures just deem certain things appropriate and inappropriate and it seems like your fmil wants to showboat this wedding to people which is the bottom line. You cannot showboat if you're not financially pitching in for some portion of this affair.

    What has your FI said to his mom? Have you asked him to talk with her about it?

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    hisSparkletthisSparklett
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    edited December 2011
    The two reception idea doesn't sound stupid to me. Actually, I think another knottie already did that (or is planning to). I don't remember who, but I do remember reading a post about it. I hope everything works out for you!
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    sweets18sweets18
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    edited December 2011
    She definitely wants to showboat! He is the one who has been communicating with her primarily, but I am thinking that maybe I need to step in more and explain some things to her. I mean if we want to follow "American" tradition then technically she should pay for our engagement party, rehearsal dinner, and honeymoon. I am about to draft an email to her that explains everything that we are trying to do for the wedding and send it to her on behalf of both of us. I feel like if we don't nip it in the bud now it is going to get crazy. What happened with your situation?


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    TNMurrayTNMurray member
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    edited December 2011

    Inmy church, the 2 reception thing is very popular because church ppl always want to come to the wedding but aren't always invited to the reception. I've never heard of it being done in a different setting. I think your idea of giving both parents a set number is the way to go. We did this with our parents.


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    amberlynnedamberlynned member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_fmil-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:ad99c449-3add-408c-9aec-5fc0478480fePost:58a06493-4925-4390-8018-731a0f85606b">FMIL: Need to Vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]So our solution was to split the guest list up completely and give both her and my parents a total of 45 people to invite (FI and I would invite the rest). If anyone of them wants to invite extra people they will have to give us a check to accomodate those individuals. What do you guys think? Was our idea to have two receptions stupid? HELP!!!
    Posted by sweets18[/QUOTE]

    This is a great idea. It is exactly what DH & I did. And believe me, once they saw the bill for how much the extra people would cost them they started to scale things back a bit. Or fork up the cash.

    I don't however, agree with the cake reception followed by a dinner reception. If you can't afford to feed them & give everyone the same wedding experience, don't invite them. I say this for two reasons: #1, they will bring you a wedding gift & you should return the favor by feeding them, and #2, it's an insult to the people that don't get the dinner invite (because they will find out about it)
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    eagles347eagles347
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    edited December 2011
    I thought about the two reception and my dad really pushed for it. He didn't want to keep the dinner party a secret, but he did want to host a small cake and punch reception immediately following the ceremony because with him pastoring a church and us having such large families, we anticipate that there will be people a the ceremony who haven't been sent an invitation. I decided against it, but I don't think it is stupid or rude at all as long as you aren't sending the people an invitation and then not allowing them to attend the reception.
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    MAGNUM 06MAGNUM 06
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    edited December 2011
    The cake and punch reception is a good idea... as long as youre careful who receives the formal reception information... I'm from the south and depending upon your family circle.... Most of your older crowd will go to the cake and punch reception and shut it on down and go home afterward...leaving your formal reception to the younger folks to dance the night away..... If mama dont wanna be "shamed" within the community... she will.... as they say.....fork up the cash... or sit back in her reserved seat...

    Sidebar:  I dont think you should send her an email though... That is his mama and he needs to handle that... If you elect to explain anything to her... You all should do it together.... I dont think she gonna receive the email too good.... JMHO....

    Hope that helps you...
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    sweets18sweets18
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    edited December 2011
    Thank you all for the advice! We sent the email together from our joint email account and it still didn't go well. I don't know what we will end up doing. But for now I will just commit it all to prayer!


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