Wild BM hair!

alexis0charles · April 2012

My best friend since before kindergarten has grown up to be a little eccentric, to say the least. I love her to death and want her to be by my side, but she insists on dying her naturally dirty blonde hair an atrocious shade of red. How can I nicely ask her to have it natural or at least a normal (brown, blonde) color on my day?

mbcdefg · April 2012

You can certainly ask her to dye it a different color if you wish, but I really can't think of a nice way to say, "Hey, I know I've accepted you for who you are all these years, but red hair is unacceptable for my wedding so you need to dye it to a normal person's color."

So, if you want to ask her to change her color for you then go right ahead, but good luck with not offending or hurting her over it. Because there's no way to guarantee that you won't hurt her feelings with such a micromanaging request.

JaxInBlue · April 2012

You can't. You can hope that she has a change of heart about her hair color, but you can't ask her (or even suggest) that she dye it a different shade for your wedding without moving into 'zilla territory. It sounds like you knew her hair color when you ask her to be a bridesmaid, so you knew what you were getting in terms of her preferred personal style. If she's a good friend, the color of her hair is not going to bother you at all on your wedding day.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

Personally, I don't think you should do that. For one thing, if you want this girl in your wedding party, don't you want to remember her as her at this point in her life, rather than as how you want her to appear?

Second, it isn't really a small thing to ask, like taking out a nose ring or putting foundation over a tattoo. To keep hair healthy, you really shouldn't dye it too often. Also, dying back to blond is even harder than going to other colors. It requires bleaching to go from a darker color (ie the red) to a lighter color, which can be very hard on hair, and it often takes a few rounds to get to a stage where it looks good and natural. Plus, if she does this professionally (which, again, to go back to lighter, she probably would as home bleaching is often disasterous), it's very expensive. In my area, a one step treatment probably runs about $40. For blonde, stylists often recommend highlights, in order to not look really fake and brassy, which are more - half head foils probably at about $80, full head at $120. So, just so you know what you're asking, you're basically seeing if she will change her appearance for a good few months before your wedding and asking her to spend probably a couple hundred dollars to do so - plus, you're basically telling her that her choice of personal hair color is shitty. Frankly, if my friend asked me this (and I have had some pretty candy red hair before), I'd say no and be really offended.

It's up to you and you know your relationship with her best, but I just think that's a pretty large order to be asking of someone just for appearance's sake.

Maggie0829 · April 2012

You can't. What might be atrocious to you may be beautiful to her. Remember your wedding is one day and asking someone to change their appearance for that one day is a bit ridiculous.

If you accept your friend as is now then how she is now should be good enough for your wedding as well.

Finally, your wedding is not until July 2013 so not only did you ask your bridal party way to early, you are also worrying about your BMs hair that may be back to her orginal color by next year.

Stop stressing.

Summer2011Bride · April 2012

I know you're good friends with her, but even if my best friend said, "Hey can you change your hair color for my wedding?" I'd be offended. To me, that's along the lines of, "Hey, can you lose weight for my wedding?" Sure, hair may not be as touchy as weight, but it's saying you don't like something about her appearance and favor the look of your wedding more than her feelings. I would not say anything. If you really want her in your wedding because of what she means to you, then it shouldn't matter her hair color honestly.

em01092 · April 2012

You can't. Sorry.

alexis0charles · April 2012

I appreciate all of the feedback - thanks for bringing me back down to earth with this one. To clarify, I've not asked all of my wedding party, just her and my sister thus far. However, I guess I'm more worried that it may be blue or green or something else less normal than red (I understand that red is a "normal" hair color, but it's not her natural and it's literally fire engine RED.). I am probably stressing, but I do think that even if this is petty to others, it's something that bothers ME and should be addressed since it's my day.

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2012

If it really looks that bad on her, why didn't you say something when she first had it done? Personally, I had no problem telling a friend while she was still in the salon chair (and in front of her colorist) that she looked like Raggedy Ann. If it's been a while though, I don't know how you would even broach the subject. If you do though, your wedding should be completely left out of the conversation.

alexis0charles · April 2012

We no longer live in the same area. I only see her a couple times a year and she doesn't do much facebooking. Our friends tried to playfully poke fun at it hoping she would take the hint but she didn't.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

It is your day, but it's HER head and it's HER life. You're asking her to change something about herself that can't just be changed for a single day. So...sorry, but life trumps single day.

What about seeing if she'd wear a wig? If it really does bother you and you think you can talk to her about it without horribly offending her fashion choices, maybe you can compromise by buying a really cute wig for her to wear the day of. Then she's a) not spending a ton of money and b) not changing herself for your one single day.

JaxInBlue · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wild-bm-hair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff75466e-d918-45d5-aba5-4f150a3f1fc8Post:8ce2f6c2-1c99-4190-a910-19cba5ed87a4">Re: Wild BM hair!</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate all of the feedback - thanks for bringing me back down to earth with this one. To clarify, I've not asked all of my wedding party, just her and my sister thus far. However, I guess I'm more worried that it may be blue or green or something else less normal than red (I understand that red is a "normal" hair color, but it's not her natural and it's literally fire engine RED.). I am probably stressing, but I do think that even if this is petty to others, it's something that bothers ME and should be addressed since it's my day. 
Posted by alexis0charles[/QUOTE]

I know it's hard to not think this way, but it ceases to be your day when you involve other people in your wedding - as guests, as bridal party members, etc. Since your wedding is still very much in the future, you need to take a step back, think about how you would feel if one of your friends asked you to cut or dye your hair, gain or lose weight, or do something to your appearance for her wedding. Her hair may change in the next year - or it may not. If the color bothered you that much, you should not have asked her to be in your wedding party. Now that you have, you need to respect her decisions about her appearance.

It is honestly not that big of a deal - trust me. My bridesmaids had visible tattos, were pregnant, and/or wore heels (towering over 5'0" me). One of our groomsmen was 27 days into a beard challenge. No one was confused about who the bride was and no one stood out more than DH and I in pictures.

dubird · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wild-bm-hair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff75466e-d918-45d5-aba5-4f150a3f1fc8Post:cf993bcc-55c1-4a1a-8cfd-06e9dc016786">Re: Wild BM hair!</a>:
[QUOTE]It is your day, but it's HER head and it's HER life. You're asking her to change something about herself that can't just be changed for a single day. So...sorry, but life trumps single day. What about seeing if she'd wear a wig? If it really does bother you and you think you can talk to her about it without horribly offending her fashion choices, maybe you can compromise by buying a really cute wig for her to wear the day of. Then she's a) not spending a ton of money and b) not changing herself for your one single day.
Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]

I personally that's just as bad as asking her to change her hair. "Hey, I think your hair color looks really bad but I didn't want you to spend a bunch of money fixing it, so here's a wig I need you to wear so you don't look different than everyone else in the pictures." That's what I would hear if someone asked me.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wild-bm-hair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff75466e-d918-45d5-aba5-4f150a3f1fc8Post:729cb278-d1fe-4050-a937-8cf0c2f73265">Re: Wild BM hair!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wild BM hair! : I personally that's just as bad as asking her to change her hair. "Hey, I think your hair color looks really bad but I didn't want you to spend a bunch of money fixing it, so here's a wig I need you to wear so you don't look different than everyone else in the pictures." That's what I would hear if someone asked me.
Posted by dubird[/QUOTE]

I'd be pissed either way. But if OP is determined to say something because it's "her" day, she should at least not be trying to force her friend to make a change that's going to last more than the day.

dogsandfrogs · April 2012

I'm going to guess based on how your post is worded you knew she had red hair when you asked her. I agree with the other PPs, you can't say "your red hair clashes with my wedding image" and expect her to not be offended.

On the same lines, it's not just petty, but downright selfish. This may be your wedding, but you have asked her to share it with you. You've told her she is important enough that you want her to be right there with you when you celebrate this wonderful time in your life. To turn around and ask her to change her hair color is to tell her you are more concerned with putting on a show and having her fit the part you want her to play than her friendship and support.

mbcdefg · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wild-bm-hair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff75466e-d918-45d5-aba5-4f150a3f1fc8Post:8ce2f6c2-1c99-4190-a910-19cba5ed87a4">Re: Wild BM hair!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am probably stressing, but I do think that even if this is petty to others, it's something that bothers ME and should be addressed since it's my day.
Posted by alexis0charles[/QUOTE]

Well, it being "your day" doesn't give you carte blanche to be rude to people. Especially a friend, who's giving up her time and her money to do you a pretty big favor by standing up in your wedding.

Maggie0829 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wild-bm-hair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff75466e-d918-45d5-aba5-4f150a3f1fc8Post:8ce2f6c2-1c99-4190-a910-19cba5ed87a4">Re: Wild BM hair!</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate all of the feedback - thanks for bringing me back down to earth with this one. To clarify, I've not asked all of my wedding party, just her and my sister thus far. However, I guess I'm more worried that it may be blue or green or something else less normal than red (I understand that red is a "normal" hair color, but it's not her natural and it's literally fire engine RED.). I am probably stressing, but I do think that even if this is petty to others, it's something that bothers ME and should be addressed since it's my day.
Posted by alexis0charles[/QUOTE]

FFS. Then I suggest you hire actors to fill in your WP since the overall appearance of your wedding is more important then your friendships.

My hope is that your friend decides to dye her hair like a rainbow the day before your wedding.

Kate61487 · April 2012

Don't ask anyone to change their appearance in anyway for your wedding. You love them for who they are so let them BE who they are (tattoos, crazy hair, and piercings included).

OBX2011 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wild-bm-hair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff75466e-d918-45d5-aba5-4f150a3f1fc8Post:f0e5a49f-9908-4f59-8c75-57b7b5842e2b">Wild BM hair!</a>:
[QUOTE]My best friend since before kindergarten has grown up to be a little eccentric, to say the least. I love her to death and want her to be by my side, but she insists on dying her naturally dirty blonde hair an atrocious shade of red . How can I nicely ask her to have it natural or at least a normal (brown, blonde) color on my day?
Posted by alexis0charles[/QUOTE]

I seriously wonder what the eff people are thinking when they post something like this.

You would seriously ask your friend to dye her hair a certain color b/c of your PPD day?? Wow! I have heard it all now.....

OBX2011 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wild-bm-hair?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff75466e-d918-45d5-aba5-4f150a3f1fc8Post:8ce2f6c2-1c99-4190-a910-19cba5ed87a4">Re: Wild BM hair!</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate all of the feedback - thanks for bringing me back down to earth with this one. To clarify, I've not asked all of my wedding party, just her and my sister thus far. However, I guess I'm more worried that it may be blue or green or something else less normal than red (I understand that red is a "normal" hair color, but it's not her natural and it's literally fire engine RED.). I am probably stressing, but I do think that even if this is petty to others, it's something that bothers ME and should be addressed since it's my day.
Posted by alexis0charles[/QUOTE]

Get this out of your head now. It is no longer "your day" when you involve your family & friends.

This is not petty. It's beyond rude and insensitive for you to even consider asking your friend this. Her hair color will last a lot longer than your wedding day.

I hope she dies her hair orange.

pkontk · April 2012

If you know your friend has red-dyed hair, and you asked her to be in the BP, what on earth made you think it might be a good idea to tell her to dye it to a 'normal' color after you asked her? PPs are right. Don't ask her, accept her for who she is. Presumably that's how you treated her before you got engaged, so why should things be any different now?

HeathenSwan · April 2012

It may be your day, but it's her head. She is the same person, red hair, blue hair, no hair. You asked because of who she is, not how she looks (I hope). You can dictate your own hair color on that day, not hers. If she doesn't fit in with your uniform conformist vision, replace her with a mannequin.

If she asked you to be in her wedding, under the stipulation that you change your hair color to purple for the day, would YOU be cool with that? It's no different the other way around.

Seriously, it's what's inside that counts. If she had a huge scar on her face, or gained a lot of weight, would you expect her to "fix it" because it doesn't go along with your vision?

mercy4 · April 2012

You love her for who she is or you don't. If it makes you feel better, you probably won't frame pictures of the whole bridal party. Most pictures you cherish will just be the two of you (H&W) so it won't really matter in the future.

mercy4 · April 2012

My dear old friend asked if I wanted her tattoos covered, and I said our makeup artist will airbrush but you are who you are - if you want to cover your tattoos do it, if not I picked you for you.

TheFutureMrsFreckles · April 2012

Ugh, how many ladies on here started foaming at the mouth when they read this post, ready to jump on it and attack you (lol!).

Look, you clearly know you aren't supposed to request such a thing; I would imagine the reason you may be worried is that this is not just about hair colour, but maybe a fear of more obvious 'look at me' self expression she may pull out!

Nah, you can't ask her to dye/not to dye; but I believe you can absolutely request a more classic style on the day, such as a sleek french twist. No messy/curly/super bodaciousness, since she has the red! And I swear if I have to read "Grown women don't tell their friends how to wear their hair", I'll scream. It's a wedding. Not your day, but your WEDDING.

Don't stress her hair; you can always f*** with your pics to tone it down LOL

Wild BM hair!

Re: Wild BM hair!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards