officiant

eviltwin13 · March 2011

Hi everyone, I'm getting married in August and am having a dilemma about our ceremony. Would like some honest opinions.

My family was once quite active in our synagogue - my dad was president for several years and my parents jointly ran family services on Shabbat for 18 years. My sister & I were both Bat Mitzvahed and I attended a year of "Hebrew High School" on Saturdays. In college I minored in Jewish Studies, with 2 years of conversational Hebrew, Israeli literature, and so on.

However. As adults, neither my sister or I have really identified as Jewish in a religious sense. She married a Christian and was married by an Ethical Culture officiant. My parents were fine with all this, especially since the ceremony wasn't Christian but secular.

In addition, my parents have become increasingly secular themselves. They haven't stepped foot in a temple in 3 years, including for High Holy Day services. We celebrate holidays as a family but with little to no religious content, except for maybe the Passover Seder.

I'm sharing all this because there are some conflicting emotions going on as far as what affiliation my officiant will have. My fiance's background is somewhat Jewish, though he was not Bar Mitzvahed and did not attend Hebrew School. He doesn't have much background about Judaism and doesn't identify as Jewish, but agnostic. I would say I am culturally Jewish and I want to honor my family's traditions, but I don't consider myself a religious Jew.

We have found (we think) a fantastic officiant who can incorporate secular and religious traditions, including Jewish traditions. She has posted on her website about conducting ceremonies in Hebrew and things of that nature. We loved her personality and inclusiveness and thought that she could really help us put together a great ceremony, especially as we want to write our own vows. But - a big but - she calls herself an "interfaith minister" and uses Reverend in her title.

My fiance and I didn't think this was a problem, and after being reassured that she wasn't going to try to slip in Christian elements to the service, my dad thought it was fine too. However, my mother is very opposed to the idea. She understands that this person would do whatever readings, blessings, traditions that we wanted - and only what we wanted - but she is really bothered by the idea of the person's title being Reverend. She feels that everyone will think we are getting married in a Christian way.

Just looking for thoughts on this - we want my mom to be comfortable but we honestly feel that if she gave this officiant a chance she'd end up loving her.

tenofcups4me · March 2011

On the one hand, it's silly to be caught up in the title, but on the other, I do understand your mom's concerns -- "reverend" is kind of offputting, even though it seems that interfaith officiants typically use that title and call themselves interfaith ministers. I see a couple of possible ways around depending on exactly what your mom's concern is.

If it's the actual officiant and what kind of ceremony she'll do, you could actually arrange a meeting that includes you, the officiant, and your parents to go over the ceremony.

If it's that people will know she's a reverend and how they'll react, I see two possible solutions. One, no one will know she calls herself reverend unless you tell them. So if you don't do a program, the title won't appear anywhere. In my crowd, programs were never popular to begin with at Jewish ceremonies, so no one would miss it or think twice about its lack.

Or you could see how the reverend feels about being listed on a program simply by her name with no title. That could be tricky and potentially insulting to the officiant so you'd really have to feel your way with that one.

jessicabessica · March 2011

I don't think that people will think you are getting married in "a Christian way" if you have Jewish traditions and no Christian traditions. And Judaism does not require that a rabbi or cantor officiate to have a Jewish wedding, as long as certain elements are incorporated (although I think the officiant needs to be Jewish).

I don't see it as a reverend versus rabbi thing as much as a rabbi versus non-rabbi thing. Rabbis are trained to and experienced in working with people throughout various life cycle events that rely on Jewish law and tradition, and because of this, I think there is something that rabbis/cantors bring to any premarital counseling/planning sessions and the ceremony that a secular officiant cannot bring. If you don't want that continuity element, that's up to you, but for FI and I, it ended up being important.

Also, if you go with a non-Jewish clergy officiant, you may need to educate the officiant about Jewish wedding traditions (as opposed to the other way around). If that's something your comfortable doing or you're not worried about missing aspects, it might not be an issue for you.

I think PP's suggestion of arranging a meeting to include your parents and the potential officiant. You also might want to look for Jewish clergy officiants just to see what your options are. Maybe look for Reform rabbis/cantors and clergy that are at unaffiliated shuls that may be a little less conventional?

paper123 · March 2011

I would find a cantor or reform rabbi to perform the ceremony. it sounds like both of you are Jewish regardless as to whether you are currently observant. You can work out with them what your service will be like. Why make things more difficult than they need to be?

paper123 · March 2011

Oh, and if your fh is not really Jewish then find a cantor who does interfaith weddings.

jessicabessica · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_officiant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:af92decd-b4c9-4440-84d5-905b49a8fcd2Post:1de005d4-3e23-4bbe-8ea6-b0f70ba13167">Re: officiant</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and if your fh is not really Jewish then find a cantor who does interfaith weddings.
Posted by paper123[/QUOTE]

I think Reform and Reconstructionist clergy will do intermarriages at the discretion of the individual clergy member. The rabbi/cantor distinction isn't right. We are getting married by a cantor who is at an unaffiliated shul (but has Conservative and Orthodox training), and I am pretty sure that he would not do an intermarriage. The cantor at my parent's shul (Conservative affiliated) is doing an intermarriage for a couple outside the congregation, and there are people at the shul that are shocked and really not happy with him (the cantor's retiring anyway, so I don't think he cares). While a cantor can provide a lovely ceremony, they won't necessarily do a less religious ceremony than a rabbi.

Also, I'm not sure what you mean by "really Jewish," but the Conservative clergy we met with were only concerned on that front that FI's and my mothers were both Jewish, not about our current level of observance or beliefs.

eviltwin13 · March 2011

My fiance's mother is the product of a mixed marriage and embraced secular Judaism as an adult. I am not sure whether she'd be considered "really Jewish" by the conservative definition. In any case, we don't want to be married by anyone who would ask us that. We want a secular officiant and a secular service that references my family's Jewish heritage, and our issue is the officiant that we think we like best has a Christian-sounding title. Selecting a rabbi or cantor just to make things "easier" might very well result in us having more difficulties down the road - wrangling over how religious the ceremony is and who 'deserves" to be considered "Jewish enough" would really put a damper on things.

akeren20 · March 2011

I agree with PP, would do the meeting with the officiant and your mom, and if she still isn't satiyfied maybe find a Jewish version, like a cantor.

eviltwin13 · March 2011

We met with the officiant last night and loved her. She was totally unfazed when I asked about not using the words Reverend or Minister in our program and said she gets that request often. She was very knowledgeable about Jewish traditions and had great suggestions for other, secular things we could do with our ceremony without feeling like we were borrowing or stealing someone else's traditions. It's a go!

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