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Definately need help on this one!

douthittwedding2013douthittwedding2013
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

The basics of our situation are:
--My parents cannot help with the cost of the wedding. At all.
--His parents can only help a little.
--We don't have the funds either. (Trying to hop back into college, certifications, etc.)
--The family is too big to host a small wedding because then people would be left out.
--Big weddings cost more money than we want to spend.

So, we ultimately decided to go to the justice of the peace. My parents are ok with this. We are ok with it. His parents...eh, not as happy.

Now, family members have offered to throw us wedding showers. Are he and I still aloud to have these get togethers if we are only going to the justice of the peace?

One family member said, whatever we did, didn't matter to her.
One family member will be alright with it. (80% sure)
Another one said it's perfectly fine.

Help me.

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Re: Definately need help on this one!

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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_definately-need-help-on-this-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c3cec94-b85d-4037-8ffa-ef614b26499aPost:5d0b67c8-66ad-49bb-8313-802031e7ea80">Definately need help on this one!</a>:
    [QUOTE]The basics of our situation are: --My parents cannot help with the cost of the wedding. At all. --His parents can only help a little. --We don't have the funds either. (Trying to hop back into college, certifications, etc.) --The family is too big to host a small wedding because then people would be left out. --Big weddings cost more money than we want to spend. So, we ultimately decided to go to the justice of the peace. My parents are ok with this. We are ok with it. His parents...eh, not as happy. Now, family members have offered to throw us wedding showers. Are he and I still aloud to have these get togethers if we are only going to the justice of the peace? One family member said, whatever we did, didn't matter to her. One family member will be alright with it. (80% sure) Another one said it's perfectly fine. Help me.
    Posted by douthittwedding2013[/QUOTE]
    No, you are not allowed to have wedding showers unless every single guest is invited to see you get married at the JOP, and everyone you invite to see you at the JOP has to be hosted in some way afterward.



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    libby2483libby2483 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited November 2012
    Every guest invited to a shower or other pre-wedding party must also be invited to the wedding.  So going to a JOP usually means foregoing these events.  

    If you are okay with giong to a JOP, go for it! You will still have a meaningful and beautiful day. However, if his parents are not in support of this idea, realize they may not want to help fund it. Using a JOP should help keep costs very low, though, so hopefully this won't be an issue.  If you are looking for other low-cost options, consider having a 2 pm ceremony with just close friends/family, and serving cake and punch afterwards.  
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    douthittwedding2013douthittwedding2013
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_definately-need-help-on-this-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c3cec94-b85d-4037-8ffa-ef614b26499aPost:12dea800-a08c-4b5d-b139-11fe2d6bce00">Re: Definately need help on this one!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Every guest invited to a shower or other pre-wedding party must also be invited to the wedding.  So going to a JOP usually means foregoing these events.   If you are okay with giong to a JOP, go for it! You will still have a meaningful and beautiful day. However, if his parents are not in support of this idea, realize they may not want to help fund it. Using a JOP should help keep costs very low, though, so hopefully this won't be an issue.  If you are looking for other low-cost options, consider having a 2 pm ceremony with just close friends/family, and serving cake and punch afterwards.  
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

    We thought of this. We tried cutting it down to 50 people to save on cost and there are just too many people that would be left out.

    Sigh..
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2012
    Just let everyone who wants to throw a shower or party for you know, "Thanks, but we're going to the JOP and can't invite anyone to go with us.  Thus, we're really not comfortable with any showers or parties since we can't invite the attendees to the wedding."
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    TurtlesAllTheWayDownTurtlesAllTheWayDown member
    First Comment Combo Breaker First Anniversary
    Are the in-laws upset because they aren't invited, or because they want you to have a big, traditional celebration? Even going to the JOP, you can invite just your parents and then take them to lunch afterwards.
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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    >>We tried cutting it down to 50 people to save on cost and there are just too many people that would be left out.

    You need to move past this block.

    We started out making a list of who would WANT to come.
    Then we stopped.
    And made a list of who WE wanted there.

    Ended up like this:
    He invited his mom and dad, his brother/wife/3kids.  That was 7 people.
    So I invited 7 people too:
    my mom, two friends of mine, two friends of my mom's who are like aunts or 2nd moms to me, an older woman who is like a grandmother to me, and the woman who introduced FI and me.

    That's it.  We invited 14 people.  And there were TONS of people who were "left out."  But it was our wedding and we just wanted immediate family.

    Suggestion:  Set a number, like 7 people each, and see who goes on that list.  You don't have to CUT it to 50 if you start with a piece of paper with 7 guest lines on the left and 7 guest lines on the right.
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    douthittwedding2013douthittwedding2013
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_definately-need-help-on-this-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c3cec94-b85d-4037-8ffa-ef614b26499aPost:f87a888b-0bc2-402f-8438-4fd7dc0d851e">Re: Definately need help on this one!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Are the in-laws upset because they aren't invited, or because they want you to have a big, traditional celebration? Even going to the JOP, you can invite just your parents and then take them to lunch afterwards.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    They want the whole shebang. Big, formal, traditional...all that. We are also following two family weddings who have been like this so we are kinda the black sheep of the family, yeah?
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    douthittwedding2013douthittwedding2013
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_definately-need-help-on-this-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c3cec94-b85d-4037-8ffa-ef614b26499aPost:72d220f9-3fd6-4f87-808e-1cdf2dde3190">Re: Definately need help on this one!</a>:
    [QUOTE] />>We tried cutting it down to 50 people to save on cost and there are just too many people that would be left out. You need to move past this block. We started out making a list of who would WANT to come. Then we stopped. And made a list of who WE wanted there. Ended up like this: He invited his mom and dad, his brother/wife/3kids.  That was 7 people. So I invited 7 people too: my mom, two friends of mine, two friends of my mom's who are like aunts or 2nd moms to me, an older woman who is like a grandmother to me, and the woman who introduced FI and me. That's it.  We invited 14 people.  And there were TONS of people who were "left out."  But it was our wedding and we just wanted immediate family. Suggestion:  Set a number, like 7 people each, and see who goes on that list.  You don't have to CUT it to 50 if you start with a piece of paper with 7 guest lines on the left and 7 guest lines on the right.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    There again...we have tried this as well. There are two cousins we absolutely WANT there, but then that means leaving out the others. So, we have to either have none or all.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_definately-need-help-on-this-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c3cec94-b85d-4037-8ffa-ef614b26499aPost:5c2b3f2e-c5d6-4735-8be4-03afdc9be7d6">Re: Definately need help on this one!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Definately need help on this one! : They want the whole shebang. Big, formal, traditional...all that. We are also following two family weddings who have been like this so we are kinda the black sheep of the family, yeah?
    Posted by douthittwedding2013[/QUOTE]

    Tell your FILs the truth-you and your parents can't afford it, the only way it can happen is if they pay for it in its entirety, including the costs for your side, and if they won't, then the subject is closed from now on.
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    douthittwedding2013douthittwedding2013
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_definately-need-help-on-this-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c3cec94-b85d-4037-8ffa-ef614b26499aPost:33a8ff88-5064-44aa-9e07-ae5d023fc322">Re: Definately need help on this one!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Definately need help on this one! : Tell your FILs the truth-you and your parents can't afford it, the only way it can happen is if they pay for it in its entirety, and the subject is closed from now on.
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    Also been there, done that. Didn't go very well. Nasty thins were said about my folks not being able to pay. Easy for someone to say who has NO daughters, so in turn she would never have to foot the bill anyway.
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_definately-need-help-on-this-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c3cec94-b85d-4037-8ffa-ef614b26499aPost:5c2b3f2e-c5d6-4735-8be4-03afdc9be7d6">Re: Definately need help on this one!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Definately need help on this one! : They want the whole shebang. Big, formal, traditional...all that. We are also following two family weddings who have been like this so we are kinda the black sheep of the family, yeah?
    Posted by douthittwedding2013[/QUOTE]
    Well, unless they pay for it they can shut their trap. I'd tell them that, too... but in a much nicer way, of course.

    If people offer you a shower, just politely say thanks, but no thanks. You dont' have to give a reason and I really don't think you should. Giving a reason only opens up further discussion.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited November 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_definately-need-help-on-this-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c3cec94-b85d-4037-8ffa-ef614b26499aPost:33b6e567-5fc2-46fd-bf08-7ee021954ab0">Re: Definately need help on this one!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Definately need help on this one! : Also been there, done that. Didn't go very well. Nasty thins were said about my folks not being able to pay. Easy for someone to say who has NO daughters, so in turn she would never have to foot the bill anyway.
    Posted by douthittwedding2013[/QUOTE]

    Stop talking to your FILs about the wedding.  Spend as little time with them as possible.  Whenever they bring it up again, change the subject.  They're going to be nasty no matter what, so just let their ugly comments fall flat and don't engage them.  Walk out of the room, delete emails, and/or hang up the phone if you have to in order to end the conversations.
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Since its obvious that your FILs want it all without paying for it, have the ceremony that you & FI can afford.  If that is JP, then that is what you guys do.  Stop discussing wedding plans with them.  Send them an invitation or verbally invite them when the time comes. 

    You cannot have a shower, so decline any offers for one.  Do not register for gifts. 

    You may send out wedding announcements after the ceremony to all the family & friends who you would have liked to invite had you been able to afford the big ceremony & reception.

    Jane Doe and John Smith were united in marriage on June 6, 2013, in a private ceremony.
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    hoffsehoffse member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    OP, I mean this in the nicest way possible but seriously, screw them.  They can't foot the bill either, and it's unfair for them to expect other people to do it when they can't or are unwilling to do it themselves.

    If you want a JOP wedding, then have a JOP wedding.  You and your FI could elope and then go celebrate privately.  Even if you sent announcements out afterwards, the whole thing might cost $100 from start to finish, including the license and a glass of champagne at dinner.  It's your day, not theirs, and you shouldn't have to apologize to them for you or your parents.  Have the wedding you want, and congrats!  And btw - kuddos for planning a wedding you can afford and for prioritizing things like your education over a party.  I have a lot of respect for that decision.  It certainly doesn't seem to be the modern trend, despite the fact that starting your married life in debt from the wedding itself seems like one of the worst possible decisions a couple could make.... particularly when financial incompatibility is the #1 cause of divorce.


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    mswanson915mswanson915 member
    First Comment

    Congratulations on planning a wedding that fits you and your budget.  I'm going to go against the grain a little - I believe if everyone understands you'll be holding a private ceremony at the JOP and they still want to throw you a shower - go for it!  It's your life, your friends and your family.  They love you and want to celebrate your happiness.  Have fun and enjoy it!  It's your wedding!

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    libby2483libby2483 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    I think it would be best to have a small ceremony and reception, either with a JOP or elsewhere.  Just invite immediate family members (parents, siblings, perhaps grandparents) and host them with cake, punch, and possibly small finger foods.  If your in-laws don't like this idea, but refuse to help pay, screw them.  They certainly don't need to help fund your wedding, but if they don't contribute, they get no say.  And like PPs have said, don't talk wedding with them.  You will be happy knowing that you still had a beautiful, meaningful day that you didn't go into debt for.
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    darlinganastasiadarlinganastasia member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    I'm not really an etiquette following kind of gal. I just really enjoy reading about it And following what I agree with. That being said...in this day in age and this economy, you should not have to sacrifice your wedding or any parts of it. You should not have to forgo and pre wedding festivities because you can't afford to have a "real wedding" to which people get invited. If people, who love you and your FI, want to throw you a shower, go for it. These same people know that you can't afford a big shin dig and they probably won't hold it against you. I have a big family too and we have one income and its super hard trimming the fat on that guest list, so I feel for you. Tell your MIL that if she isn't going to foot the bill than she needs to STFU.
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    LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_definately-need-help-on-this-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:0c3cec94-b85d-4037-8ffa-ef614b26499aPost:0eed68de-1723-4fc0-97bb-d2bf237685cf">Re:Definately need help on this one!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not really an etiquette following kind of gal. I just really enjoy reading about it And following what I agree with. That being said...in this day in age and this economy, <strong>you should not have to sacrifice your wedding or any parts of it. You should not have to forgo and pre wedding festivities because you can't afford to have a "real wedding" to which people get invited. If people, who love you and your FI, want to throw you a shower, go for it.</strong> These same people know that you can't afford a big shin dig and they probably won't hold it against you. I have a big family too and we have one income and its super hard trimming the fat on that guest list, so I feel for you. Tell your MIL that if she isn't going to foot the bill than she needs to STFU.
    Posted by darlinganastasia[/QUOTE]


    I'm sorry, but this is terrible advice! Etiquette is not social rules (like not wearing a tux during daylight), but guidelines to treat your friends and family with love and respect while avoiding hurt feelings.  I don't understand how you can be a "not etiquette-following kind of gal", that basically means that you just do what you want and do not think of other's feelings.

    A JOP <strong><u>is</u> </strong>a real wedding, and OP, will have a great time. Please listen to the previous posters and decline showers. People will be hurt and angry if they find out that they bought you a gift at the shower and were not invited to the wedding. The people that love you will most likely send you a wedding gift, but that is not required. There is no polite way to say "I love you enough for you to buy me a shower gift, but not enough to have you at my wedding". People are always able to send you a gift if they want.

    The defense of "the people that love you will understand and look the other way" is only used for entitled behaviour. If you have to justify an action in that way, you shouldn't be doing it! Why would you want to put your friends and family in the situation of HAVING to look the other way or justify their hurt feelings?

    So, OP, to answer your question: decline the prewedding showers and parties. Your JOP wedding will be beautiful and special because you are marrying your FI. Your FILs have no say so just ignore them, have a great time and celebrate your new life together!
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    thirdtimesacharm2016thirdtimesacharm2016 member
    First Comment

    After reading around these boards, I feel like my entire area is located on a different planet. So many "rules" I've never heard of, but are apparently common elsewhere!

    Douthittwedding2013, I am not going to be a great source of etiquette advice, but I will tell you this. Amongst my friends and family, we have a shower for couples getting married whether we are invited to the wedding or not. We even have showers for couples after they've gotten married if we didn't shower them before hand, like if they eloped or had a wedding somewhere else and that time is their first visit "home" as a married couple. Formal invitations aren't sent out. We do an announcement in the paper, church bulletins, word of mouth, etc. Somebody throws together a cake and somebody else volunteers to make the "shower punch", which is usually just 7up with scoops of sherbert floating in it (no alcohol). Lots of people offer to bring cookies or some other homemade goodie. We do it at somebody's house, a community center, or a church. Just whatever is available. I guess if anybody was offended by this, they just didn't come!

    Most of my friends and family wouldn't dream of putting as much money into a wedding as I often see here on The Knot. I'm not saying people shouldn't have expensive weddings, just that there will never be thousands of extra dollars in our budgets to throw a wedding like that. Most of us live paycheck-to-paycheck with little to no savings at all. We give showers with no expectations of something in return, like a wedding invite. More than likely, the couple or the family of the couple did the same for us over the years, so that goodwill pays forward.

    Considering all the above, I wouldn't have a problem with my community and/or family wanting to throw me a shower no matter what kind of wedding I was having. But if you feel the need to ask this question, your circle must do things more within the rules of etiquette that my circle has chosen to ignore. I don't envy you your decision on this. Good luck.

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