From one bride to another...

julibug86 · June 2012

The FI and I got a wedding invitation in the mail on Monday (6/4) for a wedding on 7/14. It is the wedding of a former roommate of his we only communicate with occasionally via Facebook. We were aware they were getting married, but assumed we weren't invited as we hadn't heard anything (since they are only acquaintences, we were not offended at all!). The wedding is 12 hours away driving or if we fly, it's 2 hrs from the nearest airport. Clearly this would involve us looking into hotels and possibly flights and rental cars! I'm so annoyed that we didn't receive a STD so we could have time to plan! The only other couple we know who were invited are not going because they also just received the invitation and don't have the time to plan a trip out there. As a bride myself, I'm just so annoyed over the whole situation! I know I just need to calm down, RSVP 'no', and send a nice gift, but I almost feel like I shouldn't send them a gift because if they really wanted us to attend, they would've given more notice.

Thanks for letting me vent and, PLEASE, send out save the dates!!!

MrsMack10612 · June 2012

Sounds like you were on the B-list.

KellyBrian2013 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_from-one-bride-to-another?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f1a5ca2-c0b4-4188-b2b3-f763402c0501Post:f9520b12-cd7a-4ca1-b1a2-00b8a4ae1363">From one bride to another...</a>:
[QUOTE]The FI and I got a wedding invitation in the mail on Monday (6/4) for a wedding on 7/14. It is the wedding of a former roommate of his we only communicate with occasionally via Facebook. We were aware they were getting married, but assumed we weren't invited as we hadn't heard anything (since they are only acquaintences, we were not offended at all!). The wedding is 12 hours away driving or if we fly, it's 2 hrs from the nearest airport. Clearly this would involve us looking into hotels and possibly flights and rental cars! I'm so annoyed that we didn't receive a STD so we could have time to plan! The only other couple we know who were invited are not going because they also just received the invitation and don't have the time to plan a trip out there. As a bride myself, I'm just so annoyed over the whole situation! I know I just need to calm down, RSVP 'no', and send a nice gift, but I almost feel like I shouldn't send them a gift because if they really wanted us to attend, they would've given more notice. Thanks for letting me vent and, PLEASE, send out save the dates!!!
Posted by julibug86[/QUOTE]

You said it yourself - you are only acquaintences... perhaps they sent save the dates to VIP guests (family) only? We did not send STDs to everyone on our list. Maybe they weren't sure of their final budget, and thus opted to send additional invites than what was originally expected?

Seriously, I don't think it's that big of a deal. Just RSVP no. Send a gift if you want - it's not mandatory.

mica178 · June 2012

STDs are not required, and it's absolutely appropriate to send invitations out 6 weeks before the wedding.

daveANDkristen · June 2012

I understand your frustration, but given the fact that these people are "only acquaintances" it doesn't sound like this is a wedding you want to spend a great deal of money to attend. We didn't do save the dates because 1) they are not necessary and 2) not many of our guests will have to travel. Besides, I understand that not everyone can attend and that's ok.

RebeccaB88 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_from-one-bride-to-another?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f1a5ca2-c0b4-4188-b2b3-f763402c0501Post:5e91c491-866a-4386-bc94-e600a7e6750a">Re: From one bride to another...</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like you were on the B-list.
Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]

I don't think they were B-listed. 6 to 8 weeks is the right window to send them out, and this is within that window.

I don't see that they did anything wrong. Yeah, it would have been nice to have a heads-up a few months ago, but they don't have to. I also don't think they will be that upset if you don't make it, especially if you aren't close. They may just be thinking you'll send a gift and decline, which isn't all that kosher on their part. (You don't have to send one, btw.) I wouldn't stress about it. If you can't go, you can't. Life goes on.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

I'm in a similar situation to you, OP. I received a shower invitation to a wedding I didn't know I was invited to (turns out invites haven't gone out yet and they didn't do STDs) and upon looking up the registry we realized it's the same date as ANOTHER friend's wedding.

I would love to go to the wedding of the girl who's shower I was invited to, but she didn't send out STDs and her invites haven't even gone out yet (cutting it close...) and the 2nd wedding we are attending because they sent out STDs so we've been planning it on for at least 6 months and have to travel across the state for it.

Not to mention, when I got the shower invite I was really confused because I didn't expect to be invited to the wedding.

Save the Dates aren't expensive, mine cost $20 to make and $30ish to send, well worth it so that the people you wat to be there are there! And why would you only send STDs to immediate family, they're the people who most likely know the date already from it being talked about amongst the family!

misshart00 · June 2012

It seems like around here, STDs cause more trouble, with people having to rework their budgets or friendships changing.

KellyBrian2013 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_from-one-bride-to-another?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f1a5ca2-c0b4-4188-b2b3-f763402c0501Post:5697c280-7c37-46f1-be09-f423cba5ed34">Re: From one bride to another...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in a similar situation to you, OP. I received a shower invitation to a wedding I didn't know I was invited to (turns out invites haven't gone out yet and they didn't do STDs) and upon looking up the registry we realized it's the same date as ANOTHER friend's wedding. I would love to go to the wedding of the girl who's shower I was invited to, but she didn't send out STDs and her invites haven't even gone out yet (cutting it close...) and the 2nd wedding we are attending because they sent out STDs so we've been planning it on for at least 6 months and have to travel across the state for it. Not to mention, when I got the shower invite I was really confused because I didn't expect to be invited to the wedding. Save the Dates aren't expensive, mine cost $20 to make and $30ish to send, well worth it so that the people you wat to be there are there! <strong> And why would you only send STDs to immediate family, they're the people who most likely know the date already from it being talked about amongst the family!
</strong>Posted by Jinxed329[/QUOTE]

Because things happen; in my case, our venue closed unexpectedly after STDs had gone out. The new venue costs nearly twice as much - thank goodness I didn't send STDs to every.single.person on our list at the time, as we had to make some hard cuts of friends/extended family in order to remain on budget (or as close to it as possible).

And frankly, family (aunts/uncles) were the ones most often calling/emailing and asking when the date was because they forgot to write it in their planner, had work meetings to reschedule, etc. - so while the date had been discussed in front of them, they still neded the reminder of a STD.

Loopyseven · June 2012

We didn't send STD's and probably 60 percent of our guest list had to travel. We sent emails to immediate family and our closest friends and called it a day. An invitation is not an invoice for a gift. If you really feel you're not that close, decline the invitation and move on. If you want to send them something small, go for it. But I wouldn't read too much into not getting a STD.

ChristineNB · June 2012

If you are like me and your whole engagement to alter is only 9-10 months it hardly makes sense to send out STD's as I would have had to send them out almost immediatey after getting engaged. By the time we picked a date, and had a guest list figured out it made more sense just to sent the invites out a few weeks early than to do STD's.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

It would have been a nice courtesy for the couple to have sent STDs given the travel logistics especially 2 hours from the airport. However, it doesn't seem like any etiquette was breached. In the long run, it's cheaper to decline and send a nice gift.

julibug86 · June 2012

Okay, okay, I'm over reacting. I'll calm down and send back the "no" RSVP and move on with my life. Just a little high strung today, but thanks for the tough love. You did bring up some good points (cost, wedding changes, etc.). AND I was venting to the FI on GChat and did just find out that they asked him for our address about 6 months ago. He probably could have casually asked about their wedding plans/date at that point. I'm just at that age where wedding invitations seem to arrive every couple weeks and it takes a lot of planning and budgeting on my part to make sure we can attend and support all our friends and family. I'm also a little bit of a control freak...

futuremrsbruno · June 2012

We sent STD's out, but more because we have extended family that don't live in the immediate area and we wanted to make sure they had heard about the wedding. We are also getting married in July and have been engaged since Christmas Eve 2010. That's a 17 month engagement, and we booked the hall a month after we got engaged. For a lot of our friends and family, they forgot about the date about as soon as we told them. After a couple months of people constantly asking, we decided to send STD's just because it would be easier for everyone to rememember.

They are not mandatory, nor are they always cheap. (as a PP implied). We have over 200 people invited and a total of 116 invitations sent. Even buying printable magnets in packs of 30 and using coupons from Michaels to buy them, we still spent about $70 on them. That's not exactly cheap for some people.

RSVP no, decide whether or not to send a gift and call it a day.

MrsMack10612 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_from-one-bride-to-another?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f1a5ca2-c0b4-4188-b2b3-f763402c0501Post:4e5d32ed-1e16-4b5e-8a47-452eb41a0c60">Re: From one bride to another...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: From one bride to another... : I don't think they were B-listed. 6 to 8 weeks is the right window to send them out, and this is within that window. I don't see that they did anything wrong. Yeah, it would have been nice to have a heads-up a few months ago, but they don't have to. I also don't think they will be that upset if you don't make it, especially if you aren't close. They may just be thinking you'll send a gift and decline, which isn't all that kosher on their part. (You don't have to send one, btw.) I wouldn't stress about it. If you can't go, you can't. Life goes on.
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

You're right, I think I jumped the gun on calling B-list foul. The dates just sounded so close that seemed that way. Once I looked at a calendar it is just shy of the 6 week mark,

itschelsea · June 2012

I totally understand your frustration though. My cousin's out of state wedding is this Saturday and I got the invitation 2 weeks ago...

angelsong21 · June 2012

Fortunately we sent STDs, but a few months prior, H endedup having to address a major health concern that put our wedding plans in jeopardy. All of our OOT guests were aware of the situation and had time to plan due to the STDs, but I just wanted to make the point that just because you received the invites this close to the wedding does not automatically mean you were B-listed. We weren't able to send our invites until mid-April for our wedding on May 25th. People received them around April 22nd and had them back to us around 5/3. It wasn't because anyone was B-listed -- it was because we had a situation come up and we couldn't make a final decision until we heard from H's treatment team (but again, everyone OOT knew). Just wanted to make the point that perhaps something came up.

I get your frustration about receiving the invite so late. I would just let them know if you can't make it and if you'd like to, send a nice card and a gift or even just a card. You can let them know you would have loved to have made it but due to XYZ, ou weren't able to swing it and wish you could have been there for their big day.

jemmini6 · June 2012

Even if they had sent a STD, if you aren't that close to them, why would you want to spend all that money to attend. I mean, it's one thing to attend a local wedding of someone you aren't super close to anymore, but most people I know sort of reserve OOT weddings for close friends and family only.

julibug86 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_from-one-bride-to-another?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f1a5ca2-c0b4-4188-b2b3-f763402c0501Post:345e4a90-1ae5-4296-94ba-bfb1a41fccbb">Re: From one bride to another...</a>:
[QUOTE]Even if they had sent a STD, if you aren't that close to them, why would you want to spend all that money to attend. I mean, it's one thing to attend a local wedding of someone you aren't super close to anymore, but most people I know sort of reserve OOT weddings for close friends and family only.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

I have a wedding addiction.

rachel10488 · June 2012

I'm a big save-the-date person and I was so excited to do ours with a custom design and engagement pictures on it and whatnot (and the total only cost us about $60, although I do have 30 extra laying around my house). But I have to say, I regret it a tad bit. Like someone mentioned, people's budgets can change and I've thought about this many times since. As finances get crazier and more and more wedding costs keep coming up, if we hadn't sent STDs we would have the ability to invite a few less people once the date got closer. Like those friends I've really only spoken with once since we got engaged that I don't NEED there or friend's I feel like I'm growing more and more apart from. But NOW we have to stick to that number, invite all those people we sent those STD's to, and possibly cut out the open bar and only have beer and wine because I honestly don't know if we can afford it anymore

sucks but this is something I hadn't thought about.

Anyways, I agree with PPs, RSVP "no" and don't even worry about a gift, although it would be very nice of you to send them one!

tkddddddddd · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_from-one-bride-to-another?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f1a5ca2-c0b4-4188-b2b3-f763402c0501Post:5697c280-7c37-46f1-be09-f423cba5ed34">Re: From one bride to another...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in a similar situation to you, OP. I received a shower invitation to a wedding I didn't know I was invited to (turns out invites haven't gone out yet and they didn't do STDs) and upon looking up the registry we realized it's the same date as ANOTHER friend's wedding. I would love to go to the wedding of the girl who's shower I was invited to, but she didn't send out STDs and her invites haven't even gone out yet (cutting it close...) and the 2nd wedding we are attending because they sent out STDs so we've been planning it on for at least 6 months and have to travel across the state for it. Not to mention, when I got the shower invite I was really confused because I didn't expect to be invited to the wedding. Save the Dates aren't expensive, mine cost $20 to make and $30ish to send, well worth it so that the people you wat to be there are there! And why would you only send STDs to immediate family, they're the people who most likely know the date already from it being talked about amongst the family!
Posted by Jinxed329[/QUOTE]

This. I'm so over the "STD can be expensive BS" we are on hella budget (3Kin NYC for 60) and still took the $15 out of our budget to make sure people knew. Not that hard or expensive. Not necessary either but still. This whole thing is why I don't understand how people think 6 weeks is OK for invites if travel is involved. Maybe it's just because we don't have disposable income but if we don't plan for a trip (even a car trip) weeks and months in advance...it ain't happening.

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