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sticky family situation
What is the proper etiquette with regard to inviting nieces and nephews? My sister-in-law has stated that she would like to invite my 6 year old son to her wedding, but not my daughter, who will be 18 months at the time of the wedding. She feels that small children should not attend, no matter how close the relationship is.
I feel this puts me in a bit of an uncomfortable situation. First off, my feelings are hurt. I feel that my husband's whole family has treated my son like boy-wonder and have shown zero interest in my daughter since she was born.
Second, to me it seems that if she doesn't want my younger child included, she should invite neither child. My mother- and father-in-law are angry that we would want to exclude my older child from the affair, but I'm just so uncomfortable about the whole thing and being there with only one of my children would cast a pall on the whole day. I just feel that this is her only niece and nephew and that they should both be included (or excluded) but not one. And it should be noted that this is not the groom's position. He would have the baby there if it were up to him and whether or not my 6 year old son will be there, his 7 year old cousins will be. The whole thing is so uncomfortable.
I know that she's the bride and that what she says is supposed to go, but now I feel like I don't even want to be there. How do I handle this? Please note that my husband has been pushing the issue with his family to keep me out of the line of fire, but it doesn't seem to be getting us very far.
Thank you. 
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Re: sticky family situation
You can't force the bride to invite your daughter to the wedding. And she can't force you to bring either of your children. I would hire a sitter and leave both children at home.
The bigger concern, of course, is that your ILs are treating your daughter like a second class grandchild. Your husband should let them know that from now on, his children should be treated equally or he will limit their access to them.
[QUOTE]I have heard of brides and grooms making a cut off age. But it's usually a bit older, such as 14, 16 or 18 - old enough to not require adult supervision. A 6 year old cut off age is a little strange. It also seems strange to invite one sibling and not the other. You can't force the bride to invite your daughter to the wedding. And she can't force you to bring either of your children. I would hire a sitter and leave both children at home. <strong>The bigger concern, of course, is that your ILs are treating your daughter like a second class grandchild. Your husband should let them know that from now on, his children should be treated equally or he will limit their access to them.
</strong>Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]
This a thousand times over. I had one grandmother who treated the grandsons like little princes and granddaughters like thorns in her side. I still remember her stomping on my cousin's foot because she didn't get out of her way quickly enough.
AKA GoodLuckBear14
Posted by abird75[/QUOTE]
<div>That is the usual advice, yes, for the reasons you have stated. When there is an age cut off, it's generally high enough that those above it can behave mostly like adults, and should still avoid splitting families. </div><div>
</div><div>That said, you and your husband can't *make* them change their minds, if they are set. (Kudos to him for supporting you and the kids, BTW.) Responding to their etiquette breach with a fight of your own is likely to come back on you. You would, however, be well within your rights to leave both kids at the sitters, and enjoy the night with just your husband, or to decline the invitation entirely, as you prefer.
</div><div>1000% agree with MairePoppy, too, about making sure your kids get equal treatment. They will absorb the disparity, and it will affect them in both the short and long term. Kudos to you both for standing up for them. It matters.</div>
I would just let your husband go, but of course this might create drama. To keep the peace, I would just go as a couple. The family will just have to deal with no having your son there. They made it clear that they don't want kids so it's all or none.
[QUOTE]I always thought cutting children out of the wedding entirely is such a stupid idea for a bride to do You wouldn't say that if you had ever had to sit through a wedding where a baby screamed nonstop, but was not taken outside by its parents, or had bored kids whining and acting up at the reception because they were out long past their bedtimes. <strong>Some venues, such as museums and art galleries, just aren't child-friendly.</strong> I disagree that a late-night reception with a lot of alcohol served is an appropriate event for young children. Finally - few couples have unlimited budgets. Every child that is invited may mean the exclusion of another dear friend or relative. It's not rude not to invite children. It IS, however, rude to insist that everyone else accommodate your children. (And I'm not saying that the original poster is one of these people).
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>YES! </div><div>
</div><div>My wedding is at an open air pavilion on the docks of a marina - with a full open bar, not exactly the best place for children. Sure, most parents are responsible and look after their kids but there are so many that honestly just consider it a night out and their kids run wild. I see it at every wedding I photograph. </div><div>
</div><div>We instituted a no kids policy because it was just too hard to find somewhere to draw the line. If we invited everyone's kids we'd have 50 kids at our wedding. I'm sorry, but I'm not inviting the kids of distant cousins and cutting my friends just because the kids are family. Even my MOH doesn't want her kids at the reception and they're the FG and RB. </div><div>
</div><div>Honestly, I think your daughter is too young to even know or care that she's not invited. The issue is that <strong><em>you</em></strong> are offended. I get that, it probably just adds fuel to the fire that you feel they don't like your DD as much as your DS. Be the bigger person, either get a sitter for your DD and attend with your DS or get a sitter for both. I highly doubt it's an issue of not loving your DD less. I love my MOH's kids as though they were my own, they call me "aunt", but I also know that the reception is not an appropriate place for them.
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