New Poster License Question/ Married Early

emerless · November 2010

Hello all,
I really need some advice. My fiance and I are thinking of going to the courthouse at the end of the month and filing our marriage license for financial reasons. (Insurance, taxes, etc.) I've spent the last four months planning our wedding/ceremony for June 4th,2011 and we still want to have our 'special day'. How do we approach this? Do we tell people we are already 'married' before the big day? I'm no good at keeping a secret and as a matter of fact we have already told my mother and father and his mother and father We did not want them to feel left out or feel like we snuck out and got married in secret. Is it okay to get married this month at the court house and host our big bash in June? What would you guys do. Fiance is all about it and wants to do it ASAP. Both our parents want to come along and have a special dinner afterwards. But, then keep it between just the four of us. Should we exchange rings or wait until the ceremony to exchange rings. Our parents are happy an excited that we are doing this early and fiance is over the moon, but I'm still feeling a little bit like my big day will not be special.. Any advice? I'm 28 years old and have never been married, no kids etc. So this is the 'biggest' day of my life so far!
Thanks in advance for your comments.Ashley

redheadfsu · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_new-poster-license-question-married-early?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:5785a63c-66f1-4c07-b852-26456dc6f6e6Post:b339b0cc-14af-411e-9b82-ad506bb95dd4">New Poster License Question/ Married Early</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello all, I really need some advice. My fiance and I are thinking of going to the courthouse at the end of the month and filing our marriage license for financial reasons. (Insurance, taxes, etc.) I've spent the last four months planning our wedding/ceremony for June 4th,2011 and we still want to have our 'special day'. How do we approach this? Do we tell people we are already 'married' before the big day? I'm no good at keeping a secret and as a matter of fact we have already told my mother and father and his mother and father We did not want them to feel left out or feel like we snuck out and got married in secret. Is it okay to get married this month at the court house and host our big bash in June? What would you guys do. Fiance is all about it and wants to do it ASAP. Both our parents want to come along and have a special dinner afterwards. But, then keep it between just the four of us. Should we exchange rings or wait until the ceremony to exchange rings. Our parents are happy an excited that we are doing this early and fiance is over the moon, but I'm still feeling a little bit like my big day will not be special.. Any advice? I'm 28 years old and have never been married, no kids etc. So this is the 'biggest' day of my life so far! Thanks in advance for your comments. Ashley
Posted by emerless[/QUOTE]

Please be honest with people. Tell people you are married when you get married. You get one wedding (yours will be at the courthouse). You can have a party to celebrate later, but don't do the traditional things (like first dance, garter toss, bouquet toss) because it will not be your wedding. It will be a party, not a wedding reception. Also, please don't do a bridal shower or bachelorette party after you get married (at the courthouse), now that is tacky.

Edit: if you lie, people will find out eventually & be extremely hurt. I have seen several posts on the knot from friends who were devastated that their friend lied & didn't tell them they got married before their "fake" wedding. (Marriage records are public record by the way.)

emerless · November 2010

Thanks for your advice. Yes I'm aware that marriage licenses are public knowledge and no I do not want to lie to friends and family. I guess that is the way I came across but its not. I want to do the right thing and wanted to know how to approach it. And the right thing is to wait until June. We were just trying to get me on his health insurance because I've have asthma and have not been covered for several months. It has ended up being me without meds and two trips to the hospital! which was super scary. I think we are still going to wait because I've invested so much in the 'big' day. Thanks again for your advice!

Sometimes it helps to talk things out with people that aren't involved in the situation, but I forgot how hard it is to come across as the honest person you are on the internet!

trix1223 · November 2010

The day you go to the courthouse, with or without your parents is the day you get married. So what you'll be having in June can't be your "wedding" because you're married.

Have your ceremony with your parents if you feel that you must do that. But for me, that means that in June you have a party to celebrate the marriage of Mr. and Mrs. Emerless. Again, IMO, you don't do the "wedding things": ceremony, big white dress, exchange of rings, first dances, etc.

You have a party with your friends and family. Have a great time. Have a dinner, have dancing, even have a celebratory toast. Have a photographer to record the event.

But don't lie to people and pretend that you're not married. And don't try to hold a do-over wedding. You're making the decision, for whatever reasons you have, to get married at a courthouse at the end of the month.

And grown-ups live with the consequences of their decisions, whether it's their "dream" decision or not.

Good luck.

LilMissScareAll · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_new-poster-license-question-married-early?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:5785a63c-66f1-4c07-b852-26456dc6f6e6Post:2caad8d4-2819-420e-be15-3de9d7686961">Re: New Poster License Question/ Married Early</a>:
[QUOTE]We were just trying to get me on his health insurance because I've have asthma and have not been covered for several months. It has ended up being me without meds and two trips to the hospital! which was super scary.
Posted by emerless[/QUOTE]

Have you looked into seeing if his insurance covers domestic partners? when I lost my health insurance last year, I was able to go onto my BF's insurance as his partner. We just had to get a notarized statement that we had been living as partners, not roommates, for more than a year, and show that we had a joint bank account and list eachother as benificiaries. It costs more than being married would cost us for insurance, but we decided we didn't want the reason we got married at "that moment' to be over insurance.

sessionswedding · November 2010

I think if you're moving your "wedding" up because you need health insurance or you might have health and financial issues, there is no reason you can't do the "wedding stuff" at your June shindig. Be honest that you've already gotten married, but there is no reason why you can't wear the white dress, toss a boquet, even exchange vows (especially if you're religious and still need to fulfill the religious requirements to be considered married). Don't let people take your wedding away from you just because you needed health insurance.

Lisa50 · November 2010

Yes, tell people you're married and enjoy a great party with friends and family. Having a courthouse ceremony is nothing to be ashamed of or feel bad about. And look at it this way, you get to save some significant money (good for your finances) on things no longer needed ... dress, fancy invitations, bouquets, bridal party gifts, etc.

Pirata13 · November 2010

sessions is just wrong. Just getting married "for insurance" is not ok to pretend like you didn't. (Which I know you said you would not keep it a secret, I'm just saying that sessions thinks it's ok). For years people have not had health insurance or crappy insurance til they got married. I'm tired of people using it as an excuse. It sounds like you want your big day, so have it. I agree with LilMiss to see if you can get on FI's insurance as domestic partner. You will pay more that way than when you are married, but at least you'd be covered.

Look, I just got married for the first time at 39 (and just turned 40) and there's no way we would have gotten married early just for insurance. For the record, H got health insurance through his new job...and 3 weeks before the wedding--ONE week to the day before that insurance was to take effect--H broke his heel. Yeah, it sucked since the bills are higher, but we're adults, he got on a payment plan and we're paying it off. "For better or for worse", right?

Don't give up your dream of your wedding just for insurance. People will respect you a lot more for being adult about it. Have FI look into domestic partner benefits. Another thing you can do is look into your local hospitals--especially if some are connected to Universities or teaching hospitals--a lot of times you can get in on studies for treatment or meds and may be able to get some of the care you need until you can get the insurance. Good luck.

jemmini6 · November 2010

I do not have insurance through my employer, so I spend a modest bit of money each month for very crappy basic private insurance. FI has a ridiculously awesome insurance plan through his employer that 100% paid for for him and is insanely cheap to add a spouse.

Are we moving up our wedding just so I can get on his plan? Nope. I think that's a dumb reason to get married and to basically give up a 'real' wedding (all the bells & whistles). Have you looked into just getting basic coverage until your wedding date? It's not as expensive as you might think and it's not like there is a contract, so you can cancel later once you have a real wedding and can get on his insurance plan.

If you still want to go through with getting married early, then you can have a party to celebrate later, but no ceremony, no white dress, no vows, etc because that's all going to be fake and really cheesy if you do.

sessionswedding · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_new-poster-license-question-married-early?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:5785a63c-66f1-4c07-b852-26456dc6f6e6Post:62ce5387-b951-4181-906f-3a57b305fc6c">Re: New Poster License Question/ Married Early</a>:
[QUOTE]sessions is just wrong. Just getting married "for insurance" is not ok to pretend like you didn't. (Which I know you said you would not keep it a secret, I'm just saying that sessions thinks it's ok).
Posted by Pirata13[/QUOTE]
Actually, I said exactly the opposite of that, and I don't appreciate it when people put words in my mouth. I actually said <strong>"be honest that you've already gotten married..."</strong>

NOLAbridealmost · November 2010

OP,

I had a feeling the minute I read your post that you'd get a lot of resistance from fellow knotties.

But I respectfully disagree and say that your idea is fine. Health insurance (or lack of it) is an incredibly serious issue. I have a friend who did not have insurance and got appendicitis. He had to go to the emergency room and 27,000 dollars later (yes, it costs that much for a basic surgery and overnight hospital stay) his appendix was removed.

ANY accident (car crash, falling off a bike) could cause a broken bone or other injuries that could cost thousands to heal without insurance. Is it really so wrong that someone would want to get legally married before the planned wedding date to avoid going bankrupt over a medical bill?

Just get legally married, celebrate it with your parents and husband. Then invite everyone to a recommitment ceremony and reception with all the bells and whistles you would have had anyway.

I think that is an extremely practical solution and as long as you're honest about it with your guests they likely won't mind at all.

New Poster License Question/ Married Early

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