AHR

CamilleJon · May 2011

FMIL has insisted on hosting one for us 4 months after our DW (the reason it is so much later is because the weather in Wisco usually doesn't allow for an outdoor party until late May/early June, it is also the FI's maternal grandparents anniversary date). FI is from a small town and comes from a HUGE family and most of them refuse to travel.

I know I will need to invite everyone to the DW that we invite to the AHR, but that is almost doubling our DW invite list. My family is paying for the entire DW and I am not sure what to do about this as I don't want to break the budget. Thoughts?

Also, what do I do for invitations to the AHR? Send out announcements with the invite?

aragx6 · May 2011

Aren't you saying they're not going to come because they refuse to travel? In which case, other than invitations, it's ulikely to much affect your budget.

That said, you can never be really sure people won't come -- they surprise you sometimes -- so you do need to be prepared for that to happen.

If your FMIL is insisting on something neither you nor your FI wants, then he needs to tell her no.

sarabellam · May 2011

FI: "Hey, Mom, I know you are all excited about this AHR, but we seriously cannot afford to host all of those people at our DW. Let's talk about where we can cut the guest list here."

ahhhitsshannyn · May 2011

If you do not want it, tell her no. You do have to invite everyone to the DW that is invited to the AHR, so if it is not in your budget to extend an invite to these people, I would just decline the AHR.

If you do decide to extend invites to everyone, you can put an insert in the invite saying "We will also be having and AHR on x/x/xx for those who prefer not to travel" or something to the effect.

breaness · May 2011

Without getting into it here, I'd recommend getting advice on the DW board. We've got a very mixed bag over there of what people have done and you may find a solution that you like.

aragx6 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ahr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:294b2c49-58c7-4c82-b4d2-26b73f536901Post:5a1083fa-c2f7-43ae-a787-56410cf11c91">Re: AHR</a>:
[QUOTE]Without getting into it here, I'd recommend getting advice on the DW board. We've got a very mixed bag over there of what people have done and you may find a solution that you like.
Posted by breaness[/QUOTE]

I absolutely diagree with what you posted before editing it:

"You do not need to invite everyone to the DW. Hop over to the DW board and get perspective from other DW brides."

breaness · May 2011

Well, it's true. We're having a small DW. Just us and our parents. We originally weren't even going to do an AHR but our closest friends and family expressed wanting to celebrate with us, so it's what we're doing and it works for us.

aragx6 · May 2011

^Yes but she posted on the etiquette board -- ostensibly because she wanted to know the etiquette guidelines behind at-home receptions. That's all I'm saying.

breaness · May 2011

That's fair. I did want to point out that while that may be the "proper etiquette", it's not what most people do.

Birdie1483 · May 2011

Yeah I would have your FI talk to his mom and explain the situation that you guys are in financially with the DW. Proper etiquette aside, I know it's not uncommon to have AHR for people not invited to the DW, but if you're not comfortable with that then you need to let her know how you feel.

ahhhitsshannyn · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ahr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:294b2c49-58c7-4c82-b4d2-26b73f536901Post:89611b58-4961-488e-8c85-3f62fbc5a188">Re: AHR</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Well, it's true</strong>. We're having a small DW. Just us and our parents. We originally weren't even going to do an AHR but our closest friends and family expressed wanting to celebrate with us, so it's what we're doing and it works for us.
Posted by breaness[/QUOTE]

Just because you are doing it does not make it right. It is rude to not even extend the invite to these people that are your "closest friends and family."

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2011

I wouldn't mention the AHR in the invitations. Since it's not until 4 months after the wedding, you might be surprised - you might not even need an AHR. Perhaps talk this over with FMIL. If most of the guest list accepts the invitation, for example, perhaps she'd be willing to help with wedding costs and forego the AHR all together. And that would solve the problem.

breaness · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ahr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:294b2c49-58c7-4c82-b4d2-26b73f536901Post:1174fe02-3230-4abd-bd97-911146013344">Re: AHR</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah I would have your FI talk to his mom and explain the situation that you guys are in financially with the DW. <strong>Proper etiquette aside, I know it's not uncommon to have AHR for people not invited to the DW,</strong> but if you're not comfortable with that then you need to let her know how you feel.
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

<div>This was all I was trying to say.</div>

Birdie1483 · May 2011

Right. There are a lot of things that are common with groups of people or regions, but it doesn't make them proper etiquette. I'm under the impression that the OP knows the proper etiquette in this situation and just doesn't know how to handle it.

I agree with Mery. Talk with FMIL (you and FI or just FI) and explain the situation and how you're not comfortable inviting people just to the AHR. She might think it's ok but hopefully will be open to your opinion on the situation.

amys325 · May 2011

From www.destinationweddings.com

Sometimes, a solution to not being able to invite everyone you'd like to your destination wedding is to have a reception at home. A reception that occurs after you've returned from your destination can be larger and a great way to celebrate with all of your family and friends. If you've had a really small destination wedding, or even if it was just the two of you eloping, this sort of reception can include everyone and be a compromise to having a traditional wedding in your hometown. Receptions after the wedding can be big or small, formal or informal, it's all up to your taste and budget. Guests invited to this after-reception will probably be the same ones who are sent announcements, so you may or may not wish to include your invitations to the reception with them. Gifts are usually not expected at these affairs (but some people will probably bring gifts anyway!).

aragx6 · May 2011

Well if a commercial site called destinationweddings.com says it ...

sarabellam · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ahr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:294b2c49-58c7-4c82-b4d2-26b73f536901Post:1b21cced-550c-491b-a9bd-0080097e691d">Re: AHR</a>:
[QUOTE]Well if a commercial site called destinationweddings.com says it ...
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Right, because they have NO vested interest in promoting DWs...

Brandiewine11 · May 2011

OP, if you don't want to be rude to your guests, you should invite them all to your DW or not have the AHR. Why do you need the AHR anyway? Could you speak to your FMIL and ask her that the party not be an AHR, but just a barbeque to see people? Family reunion? It doesn't need to be wedding related, especially 4 months later.

amys325 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ahr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:294b2c49-58c7-4c82-b4d2-26b73f536901Post:1b21cced-550c-491b-a9bd-0080097e691d">Re: AHR</a>:
[QUOTE]Well if a commercial site called destinationweddings.com says it ...
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<strong>From <a href="http://www.theknot.com" rel='nofollow'>www.theknot.com</a>
</strong>
<div class="titlearea themebordercolor"><div class="clear"><a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/destination-weddings/qa/home-reception-after-destination-wedding.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/destination-weddings/qa/home-reception-after-destination-wedding.aspx</a>
</div></div><div class="bodycopy bodycopybigger themebox"><div class="qaquestion"><p>Q. My fiance and I want to have a ceremony in the Caribbean with just our parents as guests. We would like to have a big reception for our friends and family when we return home. How can we do this without hurting feelings? </p></div><p class="qaleadletter">
A. Well, first you have to face the fact that you very well might hurt feelings regardless of your tact: Some friends and relatives will surprised that they were not included in the ceremony. But you should also remember that it's <em>your</em> wedding, and if you want an intimate ceremony on a beach, who can blame you? Explain to those who ask that this is your wedding dream, and that you're looking forward to a big, celebratory bash with <em>all</em> your nearest and dearest when you get home.

If your heart is set on an intimate ceremony, follow your plans and don't worry too much. Then when you get home, send out invitations to a party "celebrating your marriage" where you can show slides or photos of your ceremony. It will be as if they had all been there with you after all.</p>
</div>

amys325 · May 2011

I actually included the exact link, but it didn't work....

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/destination-weddings/qa/home-reception-after-destination-wedding.aspx

breaness · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ahr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:294b2c49-58c7-4c82-b4d2-26b73f536901Post:031b1624-6e3d-4258-a5d0-6c4e4c4e02c1">Re: AHR</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually included the exact link, but it didn't work.... <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/destination-weddings/qa/home-reception-after-destination-wedding.aspx" rel='nofollow'>http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/destination-weddings/qa/home-reception-after-destination-wedding.aspx</a>
Posted by amys325[/QUOTE]

<div>Actually, now that you mention it, that link was the first place I ever even heard of an AHR.</div>

amys325 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ahr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:294b2c49-58c7-4c82-b4d2-26b73f536901Post:0521baac-973f-40f7-859f-26be4dfaf907">AHR</a>:
[QUOTE]FMIL has insisted on hosting one for us 4 months after our DW (the reason it is so much later is because the weather in Wisco usually doesn't allow for an outdoor party until late May/early June, it is also the FI's maternal grandparents anniversary date). FI is from a small town and comes from a HUGE family and most of them refuse to travel. I know I will need to invite everyone to the DW that we invite to the AHR, but that is almost doubling our DW invite list. My family is paying for the entire DW and I am not sure what to do about this as I don't want to break the budget. Thoughts? Also, what do I do for invitations to the AHR? Send out announcements with the invite?
Posted by CamilleJon[/QUOTE]

What I'm trying to say by posting the above links is that you don't have to invite the same amount of people to both parties. I sure didn't!!! I had a DW and invited around 80 ppl, 45 attended...and then had 3 AHRs and invited around 450. I invited everyone who was invited to the DW to the AHR, but not the other way around.

CamilleJon · May 2011

Sorry for the post-n-run, but thanks for all the responses ladies! I really appreciate everyone's opinion.

I have a hard time telling FMIL "no thanks" because she has one son, and FI's father passed away a long time ago and I just think it is very important to her that FI's father's family be able to participate, even if they can't make it to LV. Although one of FI's said family members did say to me the other day "ya know, we usually take our Vegas trip February, not January, so we may not make it."... I was a bit shocked, especially since our wedding is the last weekend of January, and they don't go for any specific time/event, they just go to get out of the Wisco winter weather.

That said, I would still like to do things the proper way, and not offend any of his family and friends. I spoke with my family members who are paying and they thought it was a very nice gesture of FMIL to host a AHR, and said they would be happy to extend invites to more of FI's friends and family.

I guess I was just hoping for something semi-intimate in LV (like no more than 50 people) but when all is said and done, I think we will end up inviting 125-150 guests

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