Have someone that won't be a part of the group

amyrumbolt · December 2010

To set up the wedding for you: I wanted everything to be small and "nearest and dearest" and in Vegas. We've only told the people that are coming to the wedding that we're engaged and the count was at 14 (including us) and 3 of those people were coming in from Australia. We're paying for a limo bus to drive everyone that lives here in Toronto to Detroit for a cheaper flight out and the drive serves as a meet and greet for the people that don't know each other. Now if you're keeping count there's one person that lives here but was going to fly out early to meet the Australians and snub the bus going folks. Now those 3 from Oz aren't coming and he's still refusing to join us on the bus even though it would save him $500 on the flight. What made me upset was last weekend he mentioned he might want to invite someone along on the trip with him. He doesn't have a girlfriend (so his invite was to him and he's RSVP'd) and it might end up being some random person we don't know which defeats my whole "nearest and dearest" thing.
Unfortunately I can't tell him that we're full because he know we haven't put in final reception #'s yet and if we had we just had 3 cancellations so that part is out for an excuse.
The weddings in May and he hasn't booked his flight yet and we've told him there's lot of room in the limo he just doesn't want to join the rest of the guests.
Do you think I'm being unreasonable or do you think he's being a jerk? Should I just ignore it and not let it get in the way or should I get my boyfriend to talk to him and lay out the rules/situation?

Ash2985 · December 2010

I can't say that I would want to ride in a limo bus with a bunch of people I didn't know. I don't really blame him for that, and you can't "lay out the rules" about how he gets to the wedding. If he wants to fly, it's none of your business, really.

However, he was not invited with a guest. If he wants to bring a guest (which, for a destination wedding, I think would be appropriate), tell him that you're not able to accommodate it. Or, if you've had cancellations and can fit a guest in, I'd let him bring one since he does have to travel for the wedding. One person is not going to make a huge difference in the "nearest and dearest" philosophy.

waltzingmatilda13 · December 2010

You can't force him to ride the bus with everyone else and I think you're being unreasonable about that bit. If he wants someone to come with him you really can't stop him from taking someone to Vegas as a traveling companion. You can make it very clear the this other person is not invited to the wedding/reception. Just tell him that you want to keep things very intimate and unfortunately they won't be able to attend.

emilyinchile · December 2010

You're being absolutely ridiculous about the limo situation. It's really really generous of you to organize that for people who want it, but you are not a camp director and cannot demand that people take your transportation to an event. It's just silly. I would probably rather pay a bit more and have a direct flight than have to spend hours on the road before even getting on a plane too.

The guest situation is him being rude IF he has said he's bringing the guest to your wedding. It's perfectly fine to say "I'm so sorry Bob, but we really are just keeping the guest list to our closest friends." But you can't prevent him from going on vacation with a friend, so there's nothing wrong with him inviting a friend to fly with him, lounge by the pool with him, gamble with him, etc. You control the people who come to your wedding, which consists of your ceremony and reception, not the people who come to the city of Las Vegas on the days that your wedding happens to take place.

emilyinchile · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-wont-part-of-group?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e6a437e4-c0f0-442a-9ddc-bd4246888f25Post:4c9ab59d-23bd-43b8-97b3-c4a5aba0912e">Have someone that won't be a part of the group</a>:
[QUOTE]To set up the wedding for you: I wanted everything to be small and "nearest and dearest" and in Vegas. We've only told the people that are coming to the wedding that we're engaged and the count was at 14 (including us) and 3 of those people were coming in from Australia. We're paying for a limo bus to drive everyone that lives here in Toronto to Detroit for a cheaper flight out and the drive serves as a meet and greet for the people that don't know each other. Now if you're keeping count there's one person that lives here but was going to fly out early to meet the Australians and snub the bus going folks. Now those 3 from Oz aren't coming and he's still refusing to join us on the bus even though it would save him $500 on the flight. What made me upset was last weekend he mentioned he might want to invite someone along on the trip with him. He doesn't have a girlfriend (so his invite was to him and he's RSVP'd) and it might end up being some random person we don't know which defeats my whole "nearest and dearest" thing. Unfortunately I can't tell him that we're full because he know we haven't put in final reception #'s yet and if we had we just had 3 cancellations so that part is out for an excuse. The weddings in May and he hasn't booked his flight yet and we've told him there's lot of room in the limo he just doesn't want to join the rest of the guests. Do you think I'm being unreasonable or do you think he's being a jerk? Should I just ignore it and not let it get in the way or should I get my boyfriend to talk to him and lay out the rules/situation?
Posted by amyrumbolt[/QUOTE]

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2010

ditto emily

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-wont-part-of-group?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e6a437e4-c0f0-442a-9ddc-bd4246888f25Post:4c9ab59d-23bd-43b8-97b3-c4a5aba0912e">Have someone that won't be a part of the group</a>:
[QUOTE]To set up the wedding for you: I wanted everything to be small and "nearest and dearest" and in Vegas. We've only told the people that are coming to the wedding that we're engaged and the count was at 14 (including us) and 3 of those people were coming in from Australia. We're paying for a limo bus to drive everyone that lives here in Toronto to Detroit for a cheaper flight out and the drive serves as a meet and greet for the people that don't know each other. Now if you're keeping count there's one person that lives here but was going to fly out early to meet the Australians and snub the bus going folks. Now those 3 from Oz aren't coming and he's still refusing to join us on the bus even though it would save him $500 on the flight. What made me upset was last weekend he mentioned he might want to invite someone along on the trip with him. He doesn't have a girlfriend (so his invite was to him and he's RSVP'd) and it might end up being some random person we don't know which defeats my whole "nearest and dearest" thing. Unfortunately I can't tell him that we're full because he know we haven't put in final reception #'s yet and if we had we just had 3 cancellations so that part is out for an excuse. The weddings in May and he hasn't booked his flight yet and we've told him there's lot of room in the limo he just doesn't want to join the rest of the guests. Do you think I'm being unreasonable or do you think he's being a jerk? Should I just ignore it and not let it get in the way or should I get my boyfriend to talk to him and lay out the rules/situation?
Posted by amyrumbolt[/QUOTE]

danieliza1127 · December 2010

If he doesn't want to ride in the limo bus, that's totally his choice. You can't uninvite him over that. Now he if he wants to bring a guest to your wedding, you can tell him no on that one, that you are keeping it intimate with only people you know/closest family and friends. But the limo bus thing, you just need to deal with. He doesn't have to ride with you guys if he doesn't want to.

SarahPLiz · December 2010

There are no rules. You invited him to a wedding. He gets to decide how he wants to get there. He doesn't have to be BFFS with the rest of the people when he gets there if he doesn't want to, and it looksl ike he doesn't want to.

For example, my H would gladly pay $500 extra to not have to deal with people in a bus on a long trip. I am much more thrifty and would rather take the bus and deal with the people than pay $500. To each his own.

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-wont-part-of-group?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e6a437e4-c0f0-442a-9ddc-bd4246888f25Post:426b8599-a2d0-41a7-ae65-0e59e24eb432">Re: Have someone that won't be a part of the group</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry I should've mentioned that the 5 people on the bus have been his friends since kindergarten so the only people he would have to "get to know" is my family and my MOH & her bf. The flight is direct to vegas out of detroit and everyone except him wanted to fly out of there to save the $500/person + parking and customs hassle at the Toronto airport. I think I just feel that him paying the extra money to fly out by himself and ditch the entire rest of the wedding party is a jerk move. I don't in any way want to force him to join us I just can't understand it.
Posted by amyrumbolt[/QUOTE]

it's his money, his business, his choice. It's not a jerk move if he doesn't want to ride with everyone else.

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2010

Maybe he's actually doing this so that he's not forcing his travel companion to tag along on anything wedding related and make you feel like you have to accept. Maybe he's actually trying to follow etiqutte since his companion wasn't invited and trying to do you a favor.

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

I agree it is rude to invite someone to a wedding (a guest) if the invite was only to yourself.

BUT, and maybe I'm the only one who feels this way, I personally would never invite just a single person to a DW by themselves, even if I wanted it "close family." If he was married, would you have left off his wife? Now, it sounds like he's not in a serious relationship, so I give you that, but asking someone to travel miles and miles to a DW totally by themselves while (presumably) other people will have SO's or family with them is a little inconsiderate IMO. Who wants to essentially take a vacation by themselves?
I do understand that he can travel with someone and not bring them to the wedding, but I think it is a nice gesture to give your nearest and dearest a plus one if you are asking them to pay for flights and all that.

Just my 0.02.

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-wont-part-of-group?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e6a437e4-c0f0-442a-9ddc-bd4246888f25Post:426b8599-a2d0-41a7-ae65-0e59e24eb432">Re: Have someone that won't be a part of the group</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry I should've mentioned that the 5 people on the bus have been his friends since kindergarten so the only people he would have to "get to know" is my family and my MOH & her bf. The flight is direct to vegas out of detroit and everyone except him wanted to fly out of there to save the $500/person + parking and customs hassle at the Toronto airport. I think I just feel that him paying the extra money to fly out by himself and ditch the entire rest of the wedding party is a jerk move. I don't in any way want to force him to join us I just can't understand it.
Posted by amyrumbolt[/QUOTE]

This further proves my last post. You are obviously letting others bring plus ones. I don't think it's unreasonable to allow that for everyone.

emilyinchile · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-wont-part-of-group?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e6a437e4-c0f0-442a-9ddc-bd4246888f25Post:426b8599-a2d0-41a7-ae65-0e59e24eb432">Re: Have someone that won't be a part of the group</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry I should've mentioned that the 5 people on the bus have been his friends since kindergarten so the only people he would have to "get to know" is my family and my MOH & her bf. The flight is direct to vegas out of detroit and everyone except him wanted to fly out of there to save the $500/person + parking and customs hassle at the Toronto airport. I think I just feel that him paying the extra money to fly out by himself and ditch the entire rest of the wedding party is a jerk move. I don't in any way want to force him to join us I just can't understand it.
Posted by amyrumbolt[/QUOTE]

1. So? He didn't want it. Good for everyone else. The decisions of some friends and some random strangers don't necessarily affect my decisions.

2. Wellll, you're wrong. He doesn't like your plan. Get over it. Like I said, I think it's a very nice plan, but if he doesn't like it then tough. Doesn't mean he secretly hates you and thinks you're stupid, he just doesn't want to do it. It's really not about you, so no need to be offended.

3. You don't have to understand it. Just accept it.

Your follow-up changes nothing about my first response.

rjtutter · December 2010

Why aren't you flying out of Buffalo? It's much closer to Toronto, and Southwest usually has pretty cheap flights to Vegas. Detroit seems like a pretty long drive.

mkrupar · December 2010

This isn't prom. Everyone doesn't have to ride in the same limo to save money. If he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to. You can't force him to spend his money the way you want. If he wants to spend an extra $500, then so be it. It's his money.

FWIW If I'm travelling to Vegas from Toronto, I probably wouldn't want to sit in a car (even if it's a limo) for hours before even getting on a plane. The plane ride is long enough. He can probably get there faster by flying.

And if he's bringing someone as a travel companion that's his decision as well. Since you invited him to the wedding by himself (which I think was rude for a DW) you have the right to tell him his travel buddy can't come to the wedding, but you just had 3 cancellations so I would consider letting this one slide.

Calypso1977 · December 2010

i wouldnt want to ride on a bus either. and who knows, maybe his flight is $500 more but he has points so it isnt costing him anything. i HATE rideshare type situations. i prefer to be on my own time, own terms.

that is rude he's bringing an uniinvited guest. but you said he's comign otu early. maybe he's making a vacation out of it, and doesnt actually plan on bringing this person to you wedding but wants to have a week in vegas with them. you cant keep someone from doing that. there's surely plenty in vegas to occupy the person while he's at a 6 hour wedding.

LuluP82 · December 2010

Agree with everyone else. Personally, I wouldn't want to go on the bus either. That just prolongs the trip, and to ME, it's worth it to pay extra to fly out of a closer airport. Maybe he has plans when when he gets back or when you are planning to leave. I just checked google maps, and it adds 4.5 hours EACH WAY to take the bus to Detroit from Toronto. That's 9 extra hours! Maybe he places a premium on his time. It's really none of your business. The bus is a courtesy you're providing to your guests, and if he chooses to pay extra to fly out to Vegas, or to fly out of an entirely different airport, it's his business!

I also think it's pretty rude to invite people to a DW without a date. He's paying for a flight and hotel and getting you a gift; you should let him bring a buddy. ESPECIALLY since you clearly have room and were budgeting for 3 extra people. Seriously.

I don't understand why you want your nearest and dearest friends to be uncomfortable.

garcias1 · December 2010

Does he happen to be the only one without a SO? I am assuming a lot here, but maybe he wanted to meet the 3 friends from Australia because one of them is obviously single, so he wouldn't be the 3rd or 5th wheel with them. Now the 3 from Australia are not coming. So does that mean he's the only one who doesn't have a plus one (14 minus 3 equals 11, are the other 10 people all couples)? This is more of a question than advice because I'm curious.

jerseydevil · December 2010

I agree with PPs that you should have invited him with a date especially bc it is a DW. And he can get there however he wants. I understand that you are trying to be considerate and save your guests some money, but thay also aren't mandated to do exactly as you tell them. You threw the offer out there - you did your part.

tenofcups4me · December 2010

There are so many possible reasons he doesn't want to take the bus: As long as he's going to Vegas, he wants to add days and make it into a real vacation; OR he has more money than time; OR he hates the idea of spending hours on a bus with someone else's family; OR anything else. It really doesn't matter -- he wants to fly, apparently has the money, and will be there for the wedding so that's his call.

So yeah, I think you're being unreasonable. There shouldn't be any "rules" about how he chooses to get there.

redheadfsu · December 2010

1. I wouldn't want to take the bus ride either. Seriously, I would just spend the money. Why would I want to "bond' with anyone for YOUR wedding. You can bond, but why does he have to?
2. Whatever his reasons, he gets to decide how he gets to your wedding. Sorry, let it it go. You are taking this way too seriously.
3. I hope you realize that he doesn't have to bond/ spend time with anyone. He is attending your wedding. If you have other "activities" planned, don't get mad if people decline those too.
4. He can bring a guest to Vegas. I would. I wouldn't want to be in Vegas alone. But, this guest does not get to attend the wedding.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

1. I think it's kind of selfish to not let someone bring a guest to a DW because of your own personal "wedding philosphy."

2. I probably wouldn't want to ride in a limo bus with strangers - that's a long drive you're talking about, I've done it.

3. You can't control every aspect of someone's weekend. If they RSVP to the ceremony and reception and show up for that, great. You can't tell them when to get there, what hotel to stay in, where to eat and what to do while they're taking vacation time to be with you.

4. He's RSVPed? You've sent out wedding invitations for a wedding that's in 6 months? WAY too early.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-wont-part-of-group?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e6a437e4-c0f0-442a-9ddc-bd4246888f25Post:2d869538-d13f-43ab-a490-0884e1e68b6c">Re: Have someone that won't be a part of the group</a>:
[QUOTE]Why aren't you flying out of Buffalo? It's much closer to Toronto, and Southwest usually has pretty cheap flights to Vegas. Detroit seems like a pretty long drive.
Posted by rjtutter[/QUOTE]

It's a super long drive, and Buffalo is a lot closer, but they don't have direct flights to Vegas, or anywhere west of Chicago, so that would defeat the purpose. But personally, I'd prefre a layover out of Toronto than a FIVE HOUR drive to an airport with a direct flight.

emilyinchile · December 2010

But Mery, having a layover from Toronto isn't part of the bride's wedding weekend PLAN. Stick to the freaking plan, would ya?

redheadfsu · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_someone-wont-part-of-group?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e6a437e4-c0f0-442a-9ddc-bd4246888f25Post:6688c63b-8c45-42d4-9d36-846c22398d61">Re: Have someone that won't be a part of the group</a>:
[QUOTE]4. He's RSVPed? You've sent out wedding invitations for a wedding that's in 6 months? WAY too early.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Mery, good point.

noodle_oo · December 2010

I HATE travel by car. I would rather fly pretty much anywhere, even when it is cheaper to drive. Maybe he feels the same way I do?

I agree with others that you are being really weird about the whole "he doesn't want to drive with us, what a jerk move". It is not a jerk move. It is a personal preference and just because he doesn't want to do what you want him to doesn't make him a jerk.

heyimbren · December 2010

Don't stress over this. Let it go, focus on other things going on. PP have all made really good points.

If you push this, I would say you are being unreasonable especially if you have your boyfriend (?) talk to him and insist that he takes the bus.

He's an adult, let him make this decision. You'll have other people to talk to and other things to think about.

Have someone that won't be a part of the group

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