Rehersal Dinner Craziness!!...Need help!

aelpert18 · February 2010

I've never done one of these before but I need help! My fiance and I have a large wedding party (about 25 people total including us) We envisioned a small rehersal dinner at a restraunt with them and our immediate family memebers, something relaxing and intimate. We recieved a call last week from my fiances mother telling him they had to move the rehersal dinner because the restauraunt could no longer hold the guest list (a place that held 70) ...uh? We find out they moved it to a hotel ballroom to allow accomadate the 85+ guest list which has the possibility of hitting 100! We've had other issues with her taking over the planning, and completely disregarding our wishes, but this was insane! Our normally passive attitude struck blunt force in one phone call...which his parents said to us "It's not just about the wedding and reception, this is OUR DINNER and its our right to invite whoever we want." They tried to make us feel bad for not inviting out of town guest (all from HER side of the family which I didn't even have the opportunity to invite my mothers family from California!). Then they blamed our wedding party size. Next we worried about it seeming like it would be two receptions since the setup is like a wedding, they're sending out invitations & RSVP's, centerpieces, catering--THE WORKS! We wanted to relax and enjoy one more night together with our friends and family, instead we'll be running around introducing a billion people to each other---which we will be doing the next day AGAIN! HELP!!! I would NEVER disregard my son like that for his wedding!! (like I said this goes deeper, but its a whole different story)

stina93446 · February 2010

Who's paying for this rehearsal dinner? Traditionally the groom's family pays and hosts. Are they paying? If so, they probably get a little say in who comes. But they can't get mad at you for having a large party. You already asked everyone and unless you want to cancel the RD, it's impolite to only invite some or invite them without their dates....so if you have 25 members, and they have dates, you're looking at 50 people. DH wanted all our OOT guests (including relatives from Norway) and it was just not fair to everyone else. Almost everyone was OOT.

The way we solved this was to invite everyone (all wedding guests) to a cocktail party after the rehearsal dinner. No, it wasn't dinner, but we had an open bar for 4 hours. The tab was under $1000 and everyone had a great time. People who had never met before the wedding had a chance to meet and mix around. Everyone was super buddy buddy at the wedding. I suggest this route and paying for it if you're not paying for the dinner. See if you FMIL can work with you on this.

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

It sounds like they are hosting (paying for) this. If that is the case, they get to call all the shots. It sucks that they aren't doing it the way you'd like, but if they are throwing the dinner, they get to do it how and where they want.

trix1223 · February 2010

They pay=they say. If you don't want the RD the way they want it, pay for it yourself. I'd say this isn't worth fighting about. You're only going to look bad to your FILs. I just don't see you coming out well from a hissy fit over this.

lyndausvi · February 2010

I'm sorry.. but when you add a WP of 25, parents, siblings, dates, and heck even you and your FIk, well you are already past the point of relaxing and intimate.

Just go with the flow and let her plan whatever she wants.

megk8oz · February 2010

I don't want this to sound sarcastic, because I really mean this with the upmost sincererity: With a wedding party of 25, how did you realistically expect the RD to be "Small and Intimate"?. If everybody gets to bring their S/O and you count parents (Not taking into account if there's a divorce situation) then you're already at 54 people ... which is already pushing the envelope on "small and intimate".

All that aside, whoever pays gets final say. If your FILs are paying for this (And it sounds like they are), then they can invite the Pope and the Queen of England if they so choose. It's their money, they can do what they want with it.

If you want a different RD, then you need to pay for it. FWIW, DH and I paid every last dime on our wedding (100 guests, semi-formal affair), and we were able to have an incrediblly casual and small RD. We invited parents and the WP-which included all of our siblings (+S/Os), we also invited our officiant-he declined, our grand total was under 20 people, and we were able to do it for less than $200. If anybody had an issue with the way we did this, they didn't say anything, because everybody seemed to understand we were operating on limited funds.

duckie1905 · February 2010

You have a large wedding party. A large RD comes along with that. By the time you factor in all 25 of them plus their dates or family (if they are children), your parents and siblings and their SOs (if there are any) the officiant and any OOT guests (if you are doing that) I don't understand where you thought you'd get something small and intimate. If you wanted a small and intimate RD, you needed to have a small and intimate WP.

If your FMIL is paying, she gets to make the decisions. But, it sounds like the guest list was already quite high, so I understand her desire to move it somewhere a little more spacious.

Pirata13 · February 2010

Yeah, seriously, you gave up all hope for small and intimate with a 25 person wedding party (really? 25 people?). Small and intimate would be a 25-30 person rehearsal dinner. Sorry, no sympathy or empathy on this one.

Rehersal Dinner Craziness!!...Need help!

Re: Rehersal Dinner Craziness!!...Need help!

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