wedding jitters

QueerFemme · August 2012

I am now 18 days out... still feel like there is a lot to do... and don't feel like doing any of it... and... can't seem to pick a first dance song, so I think we should just skip it, but my partner says we will find something and we need to keep looking... I'm sick of looking, I'm sick of planning.

I'm having second thoughts about changing my name, even though I've wanted to change it for more than a decade...

I sure hope the day of the wedding is a lot nicer than the past week has been.

random4180 · August 2012

That was me the weekend before the wedding- I had a ton of things to do, FI was on his bachelor weekend- and I got a migraine. Like, an incapacitating migraine for half a day on Saturday. Then Sunday came and I still couldn't get anything done...I was so totally done and it was a combination of not wanting to write checks anymore or email vendors anymore or try to sort out the seating chart anymore. I didn't want to glue things or wrap things or package things...my (now) husband, love him though I do- literally got his shoes and cufflinks less than a week before the wedding and for the cufflinks, I was searching Amazon and turning my laptop towards him with anything that had rushed shipping because he needed to choose it ASAP, lol. The day of the rehearsal was a mess because we struggled to get all our projects and items into the car (I hadn't had time to repack everything into the best travelling arrangement,) we were running late, and my FI cut his hand unpacking his new shoes minutes before our rehearsal was to begin. Sure, I'd probably dot a few more "i"s and cross some more "t"s given the chance, but we're still married and the day itself was beautiful. (And we kept stepping on each other's toes during our first dance because even though we knew our first dance for months, we still never practiced it!) You'll make it, you're almost there

Ali092011 · August 2012

I can see myself in your shoes in the very near future and I'm not looking forward to complete burnout. Seems inevitable, though.

Everything will be perfect the day of the wedding and you will forget all of the little details that seemed like such a big deal right before it!

I agree with CMGr. If choosing a song has simply become too much, pick any of the romantic classics. Or, since your partner is determined to find the perfect song, why not let her choose and surprise you?

I've heard that many brides get cold feet right as they're about to change their name. Our names are such an intregal part of who we are, it feels weird to "discard" it. Again, like CMGr said, give yourself time to think about it. You don't have to change it right after the wedding if it's too overwhelming.

Everything will turn out fine.

shaina925 · August 2012

I am 23 days out and have been having a SUPER hard time sleeping the past week. My mind just races while I am in bed going over things I need to do, envisioning the day, and all sorts of other things. I am trying to relax about it, FI does help me because he is really laid back so I try to feed off of him being so calm! I want you to know that you aren't alone... it happens to all of us. Just try to think about how happy of a day it will be!

ejheart · August 2012

Aww, Christina! Christina, right? I know you from the FB group.

As PP's said, either way everything will be awesome (even though it doesn't feel that way right now). I still have a MILLION and one things to do, and while I do still have the motivation to do most of it, I've been super busy with work (so I can't find the time there), and by the time I get home, workout (sometimes) and do something for dinner, I'm exhausted and all I want to do is sit around and/or creep on the boards (ahem, see the time of this post?).

I agree that you should put your FI in charge of the first dance song. If you can let it go, then do it. It's one less thing on your list, and I'm sure she has good taste so she'll come up with something that you can accept. I also agree that you shouldn't worry about the name thing right now. Another day, another time, but not now.

In order to make you feel better, here's just a short list of things that I still have on my to-do list: book the RD, book my hair/makeup artist, book a videographer, rent linens, rent barware, finalize alcohol, finalize music, finalize ceremony, and order/make a bunch of random crap. There. Did that work? I hope so. I am the queen of procrastination. There's no way that you're doing worse than me.

When you get overwhelmed just try to take a few minutes to think about all of the reasons why you wanted to marry your FI in the first place, and why you're doing all of this, and how great it's going to be once the day comes and goes and you're able to just enjoy married life.

emichele87 · August 2012

I have an anxiety disorder and am about to go crazy right now. I am getting about 5-6hours of sleep a night and I normally require at least 8 to function. I am so done with everything and I have over a month to go! I completely feel your pain. FI and I haven't picked out a first dance song, but that's ok because my dj won't send me a contract! And add to that the fact that my FI lives 6 hours away and I won't see him again until the Wednesday before the wedding. I am basically do most of the stuff myself or with my mom. I'm just ready for it all to be over and not have to field any more questions about the rehearsal (which I am not incharge of, so quit asking me!) or answer any more questions about what I'm doing after the wedding.

I am so sorry you are feeling so stressed, but at the end of the day you will be married to the person you love. At least that's my mantra for the next month.

Polinar · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_wedding-jitters-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:28db563a-94e7-4c73-b763-cf6340ad809ePost:4ec0f412-9d9c-4600-ad68-6561dee0fd04">Re: wedding jitters</a>:
[QUOTE]I have an anxiety disorder and am about to go crazy right now. I am getting about 5-6hours of sleep a night and I normally require at least 8 to function. I am so done with everything and I have over a month to go! I completely feel your pain. FI and I haven't picked out a first dance song, but that's ok because my dj won't send me a contract! And add to that the fact that my FI lives 6 hours away and I won't see him again until the Wednesday before the wedding. I am basically do most of the stuff myself or with my mom. I'm just ready for it all to be over and not have to field any more questions about the rehearsal (which I am not incharge of, so quit asking me!) or answer any more questions about what I'm doing after the wedding. I am so sorry you are feeling so stressed, but at the end of the day you will be married to the person you love. At least that's my mantra for the next month.
Posted by emichele87[/QUOTE]

I'm 16 days out and I feel like I still have TONS to do!! My FI lives 5 hours away, and I also am not going to see him until the Wednesday before the wedding... AAHHH!!!!! I'm also finishing everything on my own with my mother's help. I just want everything to come together on its own. I got so stuck on picking out centerpieces... even though I know people probably won't even remember them the day after the wedding. haha
I can't wait for the wedding day to be here so I can just chill.

SKPM · August 2012

I got married just over six weeks ago and still haven't decided what I want to do with my name. PP are right: it isn't something to stress about at the last minute. Deal with that after the wedding hoopla settles down.

ZeroOrchestra · August 2012

It will get better. You might be in wedding overload so put it aside for a day of you can. We didn't pick our first dance song til the latest time possible. I will be married a year in October and am still mulling over the name change. Try not to stress too much.

QueerFemme · August 2012

Thanks everyone....

the only problem with the name, is that I need to decide before we file our domestic partnership documents. Those are being filed the day before the wedding (Sept. 8th). Because we are a same sex couple... I have to decide prior to filing. Or, if I don't do it in connection with the DP filing, I'll have to later petition the court for a legal name change... which costs about $500.00, not to mention the publication in the newspaper and the hassle of going to court. Being a queer is a pain in the butt sometimes.

As far as the song goes... We just didn't want one that was overy "fairy tale" ish. I know this is a wedding, and we are going into it positive and all romantical, but we also didn't want one that was like...oh, I can't breathe without you... I never lived before you... always, forever... my life is horrible if you aren't it it" type of song. There are some really beautiful songs that we have ruled out because of those types of lyrics. I know we are overthinking this.... which is why I'm just ready to not do a first dance, and be done with it all.

For the rest of it.... I just am over it. I'm sick of planning. I'm sick of people not RSVPing. I'm sick of trying to coordinate people, stuff, travel arrangements, etc. etc. etc.

Last night, I decided I wasn't doing anything wedding related... and I ended up at the dining room table stamping napkins for 2 hours. I'm a glutton.

Ali092011 · August 2012

I'm sorry you have to put up with such a hassle when it comes to the name change. It's really unfair and sh*tty that it's different for you just because you're a same-sex couple. It makes me angry, actually.

In that case, since you have to decide pretty soon, what does your fiance say about the name change? Some people are really adamant about it and it means a lot to them, while others, like my FI, say it's your name and you should do what you think is right. I wouldn't necessarily let her convince you to do something you're uncomfortable with, but I would take her feelings into consideration and lean towards doing it if it means a lot to her.

I know what you mean about being a glutton for wedding-related punishment. I say I'm done with wedding stuff for the day and I go on Pinterest to look for recipes, and before you know it I'm pinning centerpieces.

QueerFemme · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_wedding-jitters-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:28db563a-94e7-4c73-b763-cf6340ad809ePost:6516d209-5d70-445b-9d7c-20949ff5a588">Re: wedding jitters</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry you have to put up with such a hassle when it comes to the name change. It's really unfair and sh*tty that it's different for you just because you're a same-sex couple. It makes me angry, actually. <strong>In that case, since you have to decide pretty soon, what does your fiance say about the name change</strong>? Some people are really adamant about it and it means a lot to them, while others, like my FI, say it's your name and you should do what you think is right. I wouldn't necessarily let her convince you to do something you're uncomfortable with, but I would take her feelings into consideration and lean towards doing it if it means a lot to her. I know what you mean about being a glutton for wedding-related punishment. I say I'm done with wedding stuff for the day and I go on Pinterest to look for recipes, and before you know it I'm pinning centerpieces.
Posted by Ali092011[/QUOTE]

My sweetheart has absolutely zero opinion on this. "Christina, change your name... don't change your name. It's your name.. do what you want with it.". Is pretty much the standard answer.

I have always hated my last name. I don't have a relationship with anyone on that side of the family... and a few years ago, even considered just changing it to something generic like Smith, or Jones. So, when we got engaged, one of the first things I said was "YAY, I get to change my name!" I've been SUPER excited about changing it for over a year now... and now that we are barely 2 weeks away... it's freaking me out.

FluffyGumDrop2 · August 2012

Not sure how your fiancée feels about changing her name but what if you two combined letters to make a new family name for the two of you?

QueerFemme · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_wedding-jitters-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:28db563a-94e7-4c73-b763-cf6340ad809ePost:f7cf8401-bc45-4847-88f9-6721a5c5523e">Re: wedding jitters</a>:
[QUOTE]Not sure how your fiancée feels about changing her name but what if you two combined letters to make a new family name for the two of you?
Posted by FluffyGumDrop2[/QUOTE]

oh no.. my partner's name isn't gonna change. :) I think it's just wedding stress. I've been crazy excited to rid myself of my last name... I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed and wish it would just be over with.

SKPM · August 2012

Regarding the name change on the license and paperwork... On our marriage license, I put that my new name will be First Middle Maiden Married, with two middle names, so that I can keep that option available if I decide to change my name. But so far, I haven't contacted anyone about it, so as far as SS, DMV, HR at work, etc goes, my name hasn't changed. I'm not 100 percent sure that this is a kosher way to proceed, but it has put my indecisive mind at ease for now.

PaoPao820 · August 2012

Lists!! Lots and lots of lists! I get this way too with stuff and it started happening to me a few weeks ago. Have something next to you where you can write stuff down as you remember it in bed, it'll help ease the anxiety... Half the time your mind is racing because you're remembering and feeling like you'll forget again without realizing it. Hope it helps... It gets easier though!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_wedding-jitters-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:28db563a-94e7-4c73-b763-cf6340ad809ePost:2c07b3a8-157e-4d9a-8e0a-271a9e253f0c">Re: wedding jitters</a>:
[QUOTE]I am 23 days out and have been having a SUPER hard time sleeping the past week. My mind just races while I am in bed going over things I need to do, envisioning the day, and all sorts of other things. I am trying to relax about it, FI does help me because he is really laid back so I try to feed off of him being so calm! I want you to know that you aren't alone... it happens to all of us. Just try to think about how happy of a day it will be!
Posted by shaina925[/QUOTE]

PaoPao820 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_wedding-jitters-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:28db563a-94e7-4c73-b763-cf6340ad809ePost:db4b27c6-2e16-49df-b25a-1867770ecbff">wedding jitters</a>:
[QUOTE]I am now 18 days out... still feel like there is a lot to do... and don't feel like doing any of it... and... can't seem to pick a first dance song, so I think we should just skip it, but my partner says we will find something and we need to keep looking... I'm sick of looking, I'm sick of planning. I'm having second thoughts about changing my name, even though I've wanted to change it for more than a decade... I sure hope the day of the wedding is a lot nicer than the past week has been.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

All totally normal stuff. 16 days before my wedding (granted I'm still 8 days out) we found out my FI's grandfather had passed away... I had a 25 page research paper for my masters class due in 4 days, two other assignments including a fake business plan due for another masters class, and about 20 projects for the wedding that needed to be in 6 days because they were due to go up to the venue then. I started having a breakdown because I didn't know how to handle stuff.

The most important thing is to remember it will get done. Enlist help from anyone who has offered, take time outs where you just go out to lunch or coffee and take a breather and don't think a out anything and most importantly, try to sleep! All of my stuff got done... I have no idea how to be honest but it did. And while I'm still coming up with things that need to be gone over or addressed, I still have 8 days and in reality, you feel, like it's crunch time, but there is still time.

As for the name change... It's the stress of it all and the part of it sinking in. When I was writing out place cards and wrote out my future last name (I wanted us to have a set of place cards as a memory thing) I started freaking bc it was the first time I saw the two names together, I took a step back, remembered what this was all about and started doing something else. I have a feeling the stress of it all is making you question things you wouldn't have before and at this point you just can't do that to yourself. You described yourself how much you want this name change, remember that and go back to moments where you were more clear headed and think about it from that standpoint. Worse comes to worse, don't think about it till the day you're filing the paperwork and let it come naturally to you. I have a feeling you still want to do it. Good luck and pm me if you want to chat!

I promise it will all work out! Between my FI's grandfathers death and the 4 days after... I had the priest tell us he'll be out of town during our wedding, about 5 rsvps change and a major meltdown w one of my bridesmaids.... It has worked out so far, it will work out for you!

[Deleted User] · August 2012

OP, you don't want a fairy-tale type of song, may I suggest the one my FI and I are possibly thinking about? Jack Johnson, "Better Together"... it moves a little more 'swift' than most romantic songs and it's just how things are better when the couple is together... not so much of "can't-live-without-you" type of song... just a suggestion!

as for the name change... what's got you all of a sudden changing your mind? think about it hard...is it jitters? did someone say something that just subconsciously made you think twice about it? if you've always wanted to change your name and you have a limited time frame to do it, then do so and think about it later, maybe?

wishing you luck!!

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