Snarky Brides

I dumped my friend

I had a friend for the last 4 years who's seen me through the end of a crappy relationship and then my marriage to DH. I felt like she was nothing but drama and that she was honestly a crappy person and horrid bitch to her step-children. I feel a little bad - I honestly didn't want to hurt her feelings, I just couldn't bite my tongue anymore when she talked about her step-son not being welcome in their new home or how she was pissed that her husband took a day off to spend with his brother. I just didn't feel like I could voice my opinion in a way that wouldn't result in me saying something hurtful or that I'd regret, so I decided to cut ties.

Have you dumped a friend before? Do you regret it?
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Re: I dumped my friend

  • Im sorry. That sucks. I have done it. Sometimes people just grow in different directions. If it was not a healthy friendship anymore I would get rid of her too. I don't have time in my life for people who bring me down.
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  • Yeah, that certainly is shitty.

    I dumped a friend earlier this year.  She was constantly full of drama - usually about men.  Dating them, cheating on them, getting engaged, breaking it off - she also takes horrible advantage of her parents and I believe is bleeding them dry financially.

    When she wasn't a hot mess, she was actually fun to be around.  But it was always about her.

    Earlier this year she invited me to attend her law school graduation, go out to dinner and then out for drinks.  I drove an hour to go to this thing and she blew me off to have "family dinner" with her parents, her boyfriend...er, flavor of the month (who is twice her age, but that's okay because he has a "huge greek cocck") and her boyfriend's parents.  I basically decided that I'd had enough of her, her drama, and being a friend to her and never having a friend in return.

    Some people aren't worth your time. 
    panther
  • Brooklyn...I didn't so much dump as get dumped but the feeling was mutual in some ways...this is VERY VERY VERY long so here are the CN: a friend of over a decade decided this year that she no longer wants to be my friend. I am not heart broken but it is still tough even though I am not sure I want to be her friend either.

    Details:

    I had known K since my second year of college...so that is about 12 years now. Over the course of 12 years we have been very close at times and less close at other times. Over the course of the past 3 years we have been less close but I see friendships as constantly evolving so it didn't really worry me too much. What did worry me was her change in attitude towards me.

    Where we had once been able to speak freely with each other we had suddenly come to a place where I felt like all she did was attack me. I mentioned it once to her and the concern was not greeted positively so from then on I kept my thoughts to myself. She accused me of being too sensitive and stated that she 'called things as they were, she didn't sugar coat things'. So I thought maybe I was being sensitive and I just let most of the bs she dished go.

    One of her major issues with me appears to be my relationship with my previous roommate (who is male...we were like a married couple but not married, complicated, not always emotionally healthy but I knew what I was doing, we are still very close).  She seems to be one of these people who can't let other people make their own choices without voicing them, constantly!  Her mother is just like that, if she doesn't like something, you are going to hear about it. I get it but she is not my mother. She claims that as one of my friends it is her responsibility to look out for me. I get that but in constantly questioning my choices she makes me feel like I am incompetent 6 year old! Eventually when she and I would get together there would always be this tension.

    So fast forward to 2009 when FI and I met...there was some drama around the beginning of our relationship so nobody knew about it...I told K (and my MOH J) once it was a fait accompli. And soon after (3-4 months) we decided to move in together. My two girl friends freaked out and told me I shouldn't. I pretty much said thanks for caring, still going to happen. K didn't like that.

    Anyways. Fast forward to October 2009 when FI asks me to marry him...K is still technically one of my 'closest friends' so I ask her to be in my WP. About a month later her brother announces that he is getting married the same day. She is super pissed but can't do anything about it so she has to drop out of my WP although she says she will ditch her brothers reception to come to ours.

    May 2010: I post pictures on FB from a trip to Toronto (about 30 minutes from where I live) where I visited some friends that live in the same neighbourhood as K. On Monday J (MOH) emails me and warns me that K is apparently pissed because I didn't go see her in Toronto. Eventually K emails me about this saying how she is so upset that I spent all day in Toronto and didn't bother to drop by to see her. More or less I responded by saying that I was there for 4 hours not all day, to see another friend, that I didn't have time to drop by, that I think dropping by on people without making plans is rude and that she doesn't own the whole city of Toronto so she really can't make me feel guilty about it.

    That was pretty much the first time in 12 years I have stuck up for myself when it comes to her pushing her weight around. I was just done being bullied. I don't think she reacted well, at all. She more or less said that she couldn't discuss things with me right then and said she needed time. I said take all the time you need, when you are ready to talk, so am I.

    In July my MOH contacted her about my shower. She kept putting it off but eventually said that she wasn't going to be my friend anymore because I didn't respect her. She never bothered to tell me that.

    Invites went out about a week ago...on Friday I noticed she wasn't my friend on FB (or FIs) anymore, the day after a friend posted about 'getting a little black envelope' in the mail.  I didn't send K or her husband an invite. I was going to right up until the day before I sent the invites. Then FI and I discussed how there was another person we have recently been spending time with that we really wanted there. We knew that K and her husband already had a wedding that day and frankly, at that point, I hadn't spoken to her since early May and she had no interest in working on the relationship as far as I knew. I know it is extremely rude not to send someone who got an STD (and who was in the WP at one point!) an invite but I only had enough to send the other woman one or waste it on two people who weren't going to come anyways. So I made a choice. 

    I am sad sometimes but she isn't the same person I was friends with initially. MOH and I talk a lot about how she has changed but FI and I were talking yesterday and he thinks that MOH and I are the ones who have changed. We grew up, we got careers and lives and are happy where we are. She doesn't seem to be in the same place and he thinks that makes her resentful and judgmental. I don't know if we will ever be friends again but if she does ever want to work things out I will be open to listening.

    There is my very very very long SAGA...


  • NebbNebb member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I just dumped my best friend recently. I started to realize how self involved she was - I was the only one to ever initiate communication and a lot of the time she would never respond to my texts until 10+ hours later (and when I know you keep your BB on your hip and check it constantly when youre around me, I know youre just ignoring me when that happens). She held really silly grudges against me and one day I cancelled plans and she offloaded on me talking down at me about what a shiitty friend I am. I can put up with neglect, but theres NO way im putting up with being spoken to like that, so I stopped talking to her. A month went by and we didnt talk and one day she messaged me accusing me of shiit again so I said everything I had to say to her in the civilest manner I could and basically told her that if she thinks im a shitty friend, well right back at her. She is not used to people talking back to her, at all, so she freaked out and went on a tirade about what an awful person I am again and then deleted me from fb. I miss her, in some regards, but I dont when I remember WHY this happened.

    I think its honestly for the best. I want to be respected by the people im friends with, that obviously wasnt there with this friendship.
  • Yes, and the really difficult part was this was just after our wedding and the friend had been my MOH. The stuff that happened on my wedding day was pretty much symptomatic of our entire friendship. 

    My friends entire life was a crisis, everything was about her all the time, AND she is generally helpless.

    In retrospect, I am not sure why we were friends for five years. She does not work, will not drive, uses her kids as an excuse for everything, and recently got herself diagnosed with multiple disabilities in an attempt to get SSI. I say that disparagingly because I think her "conditions" are fairly easy to be diagnosed with if you know what to say to a Dr., and are of the "Mental Illness of the week on Oprah" variety.

    I pretty much decided she is lazy, drama addicted, alcoholic, somewhat genuinely depressed and genuinely  having dyslexia (in a mild form, she reads well) but unwilling to do much with or about any of her genuine issues because it is so much easier to be helpless.

    Actually, the whole thing in the end was just sad and in the scheme things the wedding day shenanigans (too painful at this point to recount, she damn near ruined the day and everyone else was more upset then I was) were the least of it.

    Life is just far to short to be friends with people who suck you dry.


  • AnysunriseAnysunrise member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited August 2010
    Yup, back in...March?

    I'd been friends with her since 7th grade, and it just seemed like she hadn't changed a bit since then. Very guilt-trippy, very blame everyone else for her problems, whiny and obnoxious.

    She'd b*tch and moan about never having anything to do, but whenever we'd make plans she'd give some weak excuse. Or if she did come, she'd whine if we didn't do what she wanted to do and then get "sick" and go home.

    She was super needy and pathetic when it came to guys too, always complaining about how she never had a boyfriend and didn't know why. She even told our mutual friend (and my best friend) that she couldn't believe friend still had a boyfriend and she didn't, because friend is such a "prude".  Apparently, she defined prude as not trying to have sex with all of her friends' exs.

    Eventually, I made a comment on Facebook she took as an insult (despite nothing even remotely resembling an insult has ever come out of my mouth in 8 years) and freaked out. So I told her she could stuff her whiny, poor me attitude and find some new friends. I wasn't all that nice or mature about it, but I really didn't care at that point.

    Afore mentioned friend of ours also cut her out, and I'm glad she did. Toxic friend treated her way worse than she did me, because she knew friend would put up with it because she's a nice person and just likes to help people. It's been awesome for her not having to deal with the guilt trips, and the rants about how horrible toxic friend's life is. She made an effort to help, but it's just draining spending all your time picking up someone who obviously just enjoys being down.
  • I dumped a bad friend a couple years ago. She was leading me down a terrible path of self-hatred and uselessness. I was her "sidekick" while we followed all these bands around and she would try to hook up with them. It was pathetic. And I didn't go to college the first  year out of highschool because I was so worn out from my entire life, which pretty much revolved around our friendship. I had to get out or I don't know where I would be right now.

    I don't know why I stuck with her for so long; I guess it was fun at times but if I were looking in from the outside I would have hated me at that point in my life. Thankfully FI saw enough in me to help me leave her behind and develop my own self.

    Sometimes dumping a toxic friend is the only way to save yourself and your sanity.

    Chrissy & David -- 10/10/10

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  • edited August 2010
    I'll let friendships fizzle out sometimes.

    The only outright friend dumping I can think of was a college roommate and that was a mutual dump.  She'd started yelling at me every time I opened my mouth, closed the window to be a couple inches open instead of entirely open because it was below freezing or kicked my blanket off in my sleep ("I've been yelling at you for ages to move your #(*#ing blanket." "Um, I was asleep.  Obviously I didn't hear you.  You could have moved it yourself.  I told you when we moved in that I kick my blankets off and you still wanted bottom bunk").

    She declared I was making the room a hostile environment by never talking and wanted to move out.  I had stopped talking because I was sick of getting yelled at.  When I declined to go to an RA meeting that I was told was happening right that second as I was leaving the room to study at around 10p-12 at night, she declared that she wasn't moving out and I could if I wanted to.  Yeah, I didn't have time to move my stuff or any desire to move the futon and fridge and told her I wouldn't be moving.  She ended up moving out and I never had to hear her screaming and cursing at her parents on the phone at 8am again.

    I had been physically ill from stress, which magically disappeared when she moved out.  My guy friends couldn't stand her and were so excited she was gone.  My mother was also happy enough that she was gone to send money for me and the guys to celebrate at our favorite sushi place.

    She sent a half-arsed apology a year or so later that I didn't accept.  Normally when she ditched a friend, which was often, she would make up with them as soon as she needed something from them.  I was the only friend she didn't actually need for something.

    Between the last final of senior year and graduation, she ditched another girl I knew and charged her $300 for various "debts" accrued during that week - like a stay in a hotel room she said she'd pay for, a meal where she said she was treating, etc.  Despite her being a business major, she had failed to add the charges up correctly and they should have been much lower, but the former friend decided it was worth $300 to have my former roommate out of her life.

    That was long. Oops.

    Edit:  I regret it by about 1%.  Because that is the amount of amusement the constant trainwrecks probably would have given me once facebook created status updates.
  • Sure have dumped a friend.

    Similiar story to everyone else's on here.  Self-absorbed, dramamama, etc etc.

    Sucks at the time, but it was the right thing to do... just like any other breakup, I guess.
  • I got into a HUGE fight with my first best friend shortly before my wedding. I'm not exactly sure how it started, but it exploded. Big time. Lots of words were said, things I said were things I've wanted to say to her for YEARS. I think we finally just realized that we dont really have a lot in common. I have never agreed with a lot of choices she has made, and I told her that. So she got defensive, and blah blah blah. Its a REALLY long story.

    She was supposed to be a BM in my wedding, paid for the dress and everything. Yeah, that didnt happen. We did talk a few weeks before my wedding when she called to apologize. She said she couldnt believe she wasnt going to see me get married. We didn't "make up" but we are civil to each other now. I did ask her to come to the wedding, but I don't regret sort of ending our friendship.

    I'm actually best friends with her sister, so that made it even worse I think.


    Whew. Sorry that was so long!
    image
  • That sucks, I'm sorry about having to lose a friend.

    Sometimes I think I'd be better off without my best friend, but I also consider her a sister so I don't have the heart to cut her out of my life. She used to be the only one I could talk to about some things, but for awhile now all she does is talk about herself then say she has to go before I can ever get a word in. And she never calls me back like she promises. So I have no one to talk to and honestly I get pretty damn lonely.

    I'm so tired of people not going what they say they will do. I'm dealing with someone from work going against her word and I'm tired of people like that mucking up my outlook.
  • Welp Ladies, this is my first post on this thread but it was so pertinent that I had to comment. So Im TRYING to dump a "friend" of mine. I have known him for 15 years. He has always just been a self righteous, rude, self centered moocher for the whole time I have known him. Problem is, he is one of FI's best friends. They met each other when I was away at college and became good friends. 

    Well, N (the evil one lol) told vast stories of my sexual escapades to my now FI while I was away. FI didn't know me yet and just continued to hear stories of this scandalous girl who N knew in Colorado. Funny thing is, I was a virgin through most of my college career and when I was no longer a virgin, I was in a 2 year long VERY committed relationship. So all of these lies were told to my FI. 

    Well, fast forward one year after I graduate from school and Im back in my hometown getting back on my feet financially, I meet FI at a party hosted by another mutual friend of N and FI. We hook up blah blah blah (so maybe it was a slutty move haha). That night we find out N has cancer. Which is awful. And why even bringing all of this to light makes me feel like a horrible person. But anyways. FI and I hang out a bit and decide to go visit N at the hospital post surgery to remove some of the cancer. Apparently after we leave N calls FI and tells him that he does not want him dating me because HE has been in love with me since we met. All news to me. Obviously FI backs off and explains that he can't try to date someone that a person with cancer has been in love with. 

    Well, two months later we find out N is ok and everything is fine with him so FI tells me that he misses me blah blah and we start dating. Our whole relationship N has been talking mad S*** about me and my relationship with FI. When we got engaged, N was Less than excited for us. 

    SO, Im trying to get the kid out of my life, but FI is friends with him and wants to invite him to our wedding. Hell-ooooo giant fight every time its brought up. FI understands that its upsetting for me to deal with but also wants me to understand that they have been friends for a long time and I think he carries a lot of guilt for going behind N's back to date me after N asked him not to. UGH!

    Sorry its so long ladies. :)  Any advice?? 
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  • I dumped my 3rd cousin who was also a lifelong friend growing up (we went to school together, same age, same group of friends). We were very competitive, she was always one better than me though. She couldn't stand when I got sick in my early twenties and the attention I got, which was weird. She was not supportive when I was in the hospital going through chemo so I basically just cut the relationship right there. She actually said to my good friend that she couldn't go see me because she couldn't drive into Boston (it was too much for her) while the same weekend she would visit her boyfriend that lived two states away. She also said what I was going through wasn't serious!! hahaha ok I was having a bone marrow transplant and was in the hospital for over a month!! So if that's not serious I have no idea what is! I would have never done that to her I would have visited her in the hospital and been a supportive friend and relative! Haven't talked to her in 7 years. Yeah I miss her at times but she was not so nice.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dumped-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:3ebf2924-e8d0-4466-b95a-f793c863d4a4Post:936ada1e-52b0-486c-8477-8d73a886c050">Re: I dumped my friend</a>:
    [QUOTE]Welp Ladies, this is my first post on this thread but it was so pertinent that I had to comment. So Im TRYING to dump a "friend" of mine. I have known him for 15 years. He has always just been a self righteous, rude, self centered moocher for the whole time I have known him. Problem is, he is one of FI's best friends. They met each other when I was away at college and became good friends.  Well, N (the evil one lol) told vast stories of my sexual escapades to my now FI while I was away. FI didn't know me yet and just continued to hear stories of this scandalous girl who N knew in Colorado. Funny thing is, I was a virgin through most of my college career and when I was no longer a virgin, I was in a 2 year long VERY committed relationship. So all of these lies were told to my FI.  Well, fast forward one year after I graduate from school and Im back in my hometown getting back on my feet financially, I meet FI at a party hosted by another mutual friend of N and FI. We hook up blah blah blah (so maybe it was a slutty move haha). That night we find out N has cancer. Which is awful. And why even bringing all of this to light makes me feel like a horrible person. But anyways. FI and I hang out a bit and decide to go visit N at the hospital post surgery to remove some of the cancer. Apparently after we leave N calls FI and tells him that he does not want him dating me because HE has been in love with me since we met. All news to me. Obviously FI backs off and explains that he can't try to date someone that a person with cancer has been in love with.  Well, two months later we find out N is ok and everything is fine with him so FI tells me that he misses me blah blah and we start dating. Our whole relationship N has been talking mad S*** about me and my relationship with FI. When we got engaged, N was Less than excited for us.  SO, Im trying to get the kid out of my life, but FI is friends with him and wants to invite him to our wedding. Hell-ooooo giant fight every time its brought up. FI understands that its upsetting for me to deal with but also wants me to understand that they have been friends for a long time and I think he carries a lot of guilt for going behind N's back to date me after N asked him not to. UGH! Sorry its so long ladies. :)  Any advice?? 
    Posted by RYoung1485[/QUOTE]

    To me, this isn't an N problem, but a FI problem. Your FI should not be putting up with his friends treating his future wife poorly, no matter the guilt or how long they've been friends. Your FI needs to give N an ultimatum: stop the abusive talk ot cut off the friendship.
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  • I did it a few years ago. We'd been friends most of our life, but she was so much drama.  She told a lot of lies about me (So-and-so said you're pregnant! Um..what?)
    and did a lot of crappy things. I put up with it for years, because of our history. The final straw was her saying bad things about my H (then bf). I just said, "I'm done." and stopped answering her calls.

    I realize now that our "friendship" didn't mean anything to her, and I'm glad I don't have to deal with her anymore.
    image
  • Yes.

    Dumped my bff from high school because she turned out to be an utter disappointment. There was always drama in our relationship but we'd always make up. Then she got an internship that with both wanted and I didnt. I was so happy for her. She was a youth representative for an organization and signed a contract not to drink, smoke, do drugs, engage in "unbecomming" conduct. Now I know its highly unlikely for someone to give up all that stuff IRL, but she openly partied with the students she was supposed to be a role model for and even had a pregnancy scare. The last straw was when she was supposed to attend and speak at an event at our high school and didn't come because she was "sick." She didn't tell anyone, the high school had to call her. I stepped up and took her place because they were in a bind. Then it came out that she went to another state to party that night and everyone heard about it. The group she was working for didn't do a thing to discipline her. I wish her the best, but from what I hear of her now, she's a 25 year old drug addict who parties like she's 18.

    ***Disclaimer: I have nothing against partying - I do have problems with being irresponsible about it and broadcasting it all over facebook.***

    The other friend I dumped? Well she was another drama queen, but it didn't bother me... Until she got mad because I couldn't come home from college EVERY weekend or call her for an hour every day. I really wanted to, but when every phone call was a bitch session about how I never make time for her, I had to get out.
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