Talking to Parents about money

condra84 · March 2011

Hello to all who read!

I've been with my fiancé for six years...engaged last June and we're planning to marry in September 2012. When we first got engaged, my dad just went through a really weird time in his life and then decided he was quitting his job of 30 years and go into early retirement. This was a big deal for him and as my mom doesn't work it meant they were not going to have much of an income (and my younger brother is going into college next year). A few months after being engaged, he wrote me an email saying they would like to contribute $4000 to the wedding and that he wished it was $40,000 and if it could be different it would be. I was super grateful for anything. However…this fall he was head hunted by other companies and he took on a new job.....so essentially his retirement never started. I also found out this winter that he got to choose his salary when he was hired....I don't know exactly but we're talking somewhere over $130,000.

But since all of this happened, I haven't heard a word about them wanting to contribute more. This wouldn't be so bad except my fiancé and I are not in a good place financially right now. I just got out of grad school and am now paying massive student debt off and my fiancé is planning to go back to school as well. We’re trying so hard but with everything we are up against it doesn't exactly leave a lot to save for the wedding we have in mind (Which as a side note is a $18,000 budget including our honeymoon....does that sound reasonable?? Also we’re only inviting the “must haves” to the wedding so have a guest list of 30 that is pretty set in stone unless people can’t come). I’m just starting to feel horribly anxious every time I think about the wedding because I keep feeling like we can’t do it….there is no way we’ll ever be able to safe up enough money for it. We’ve mentioned eloping…but neither one of us can bear the idea of not having our friends and family there.

My parents are coming to visit us in April and I’m thinking I have to talk them about this but I’m feeling really anxious about it. They’ve always had a tendency of using money to control me…and also hold some serious 1960’s views about the “husband being a breadwinner” thus he should come up with the money somehow (except my partner going back to school is ultimately about that…..not being the bread winner and wanting to change that fact but to get re-trained takes money). Does anyone have any advice on how to talk to them about all this…..and how to ask them for more money without seeming ungrateful….and hopefully with minimal manipulation!

Thanks soooooo much in advance

K

Athsea · March 2011

It's not your parents' responsibility to pay for your wedding. It's yours and your FI's. It was nice enough of them to offer you 4k. If they want to offer more, they will, but you should not expect it. You should plan the wedding the two of you can afford, and don't count on any money from anyone else until it's actually in your hands. You should not ask for more money.

Also, where are you from that a bare bones wedding for 30 costs $18,000? I'm just curious, because my wedding for 80 is budgeted around 6-8k.

Budget your wedding according to what you have/ can save up for in the period between now and then. Cut out things that aren't necessary. DIY your invites, don't do programs, scale down the photographer, cut out favors, etc. Find a venue to fit your budget, not a budget to fit a venue. If you must have an $18,000 wedding, save up for it yourselves, but please don't expect your parents to be more generous than they already have.

[Deleted User] · March 2011

Ditto pp. Please don't approach either set of parents about money. If they want to contribute, they will offer. If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to save and pay for your own wedding.

6fsn · March 2011

Do not ask them for money.
Do not plan on the $4k.
Plan a wedding you can pay cash for.
$18k for a 30 person party is crazy even counting honeymoon.

ReturnOfKuus · March 2011

If you're not in a good place financially, then postpone the wedding until you are.

matuofm · March 2011

I know that it's really tempting to assume that you parents are going to help you finance your wedding, because they love you and want you to be happy - especially with the (relatively recent) historical assumption that this was proper etiquette on their part. I almost fell into this trap myself. But I don't believe that this is accurate any more. The etiquette, not the loving part.

This might be the best way to look at this situation: you and FI are getting married. You are starting your life together. You leave the nest and cleave...blah blah blah. The point is, this is the start of your lives as independent, married adults. And an excellent way to start it is by acting financially independent, as you will have to for the rest of your lives, and being proud of financing your wedding (the very first step of your marriage) yourselves.

The fact is, your parents are not required to give you money for your wedding, and so any amount of money that they give you has to be seen as a gift. And it's a gift that you sound grateful for, so that's a fantastic start. But I don't think that there's any way that you could politely ask someone to give you 4 crystal vases instead of just 2, and I don't think that there's any polite way that you can ask your parents to give you $8000 instead of just $4000. Maybe they'll offer it anyway when they come to visit, and that'll be an awesome surprise. But if not, see above.

Your wedding budget is already 3 times mine for 1/3 of the number of people. I'm sure that your wedding is going to be gorgeous, and the happiest day of your lives. Good luck.

Talking to Parents about money

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