Needing some thoughts from others who've been there

Kamakanani · June 2011

Hi ladies.

Yesterday/last night/today have been pretty rough. I'm slowly healing from the emotional scars from XH, and my wonderful FI (who I've known almost all my life) has been there through it all, holding me through the tears and the rage. I know this is different, I know he is day and night different from XH. But....

I've started to doubt my own judgment/discretion. My thinking is this - I wouldn't have married XH if I didn't, at some point, want to spend forever with him. I don't remember feeling that way, but I must have at some point. There are less than 0 signs of FI being anything like XH, but I'm scared things might change.

Sorry if this seems too rambly. I got practically no useful sleep last night - I was up/tossing/turning half the night with rage and nightmares of the 1st marriage. I guess I just want to make sure this is not unusual. And, yes, I do plan on having some therapy as well to deal with the scar tissue.

right1thistime · June 2011

Of course therapy is a great way to work this out.   NOBODY enters into a marriage thinking, "I'll be out of this mess with a simple divorce".   Some of us had that little voice in our ear, saying, what are you getting into? Some of us had vibrant marriages that simply died. Some of us married far too young, screaming at the adults around us & stamping our feet "I am TOO grown up enough to do this", only to find out we weren't. Some of us encountered horrific tragedies that tore an already tenous relationship apart.   Some of us were betrayed by someone who we thought we could trust with our lives. Some of us were that betrayer. The common thread in each story is the disappointment that comes from something you believed in just not working out the way you planned.

And so...when it comes time to do it all again, our knees knock, our hearts quiver, our inner child throws a tantrum. We think we know that this time its different.   This time our partner is the right one. This time we won't make the same mistakes. And in the back of our heads, a little voice squeaks, "That what you thought the LAST time."   And we worry even more.

So what to do? Therapy opens our eyes to what happened round 1. How did that come to pass? What needs inside me was I serving? Have I found a better, safer way to meet those needs? And then? TRUST. It's all you can do. Not blind trust, with your fingers crossed and your eyes squeezed shut, like you used to do to keep the closet monster from appearing. Eyes wide open, mouth wide open, frank, honest, open trust. And trust in your own self. Trust that if the red flags start waving, or the little voice starts pointing out things that spell trouble, you will listen, observe & heed the warnings. Hopefully head them off at the pass, hopefully open up the conversation, hopefully solve the problem before it becomes the elephant/ monster in the room.   But if that doesn't work, dig your heels in and STOP before it goes any further.

There are no guarantees in life. Ideal, dream marriages have failed when the internal workings of one or both of the parties changes.   Call it faith, call it luck, call it hard, hard work. We just keep working at it, believing in it. ~Donna

lindaloulubbock · June 2011

Donna, that was so well said.

handfast4me · June 2011

What she said. :-)

Lisa50 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_needing-thoughts-others-whove-there?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:0a2b0fc1-5c81-44ac-8154-88ae9029ede0Post:e3c44ca0-229e-4b32-a1b7-f9868088a410">Re: Needing some thoughts from others who've been there</a>:
[QUOTE]What she said. :-)
Posted by handfast4me[/QUOTE]

Yup