Brides parents to pay for entire wedding!?

Re: Brides parents to pay for entire wedding!?

• dberrett

  

  March 2012

  First things first, take a deep breath. It's really easy to get wrapped up in this stuff. Trust me, I know - I had FMIL issues pre-wedding very similar to yours. But foremost, don't let them stress you out, it's not worth it. You're marrying their son so keeping the peace is really important.
  My hubby's parents were clueless about weddings and the who's responsible for what aspect. They wanted to help, but never offered. I was preparing my hubby to have to talk to them about at least covering the rehearsal dinner. My parents and we paid for the wedding, so the rehearsal dinner was on them. The day before he was going to talk to them about this, one of my MIL's friends actually brought it up to her, so we were saved! But, if you don't have this option, you should talk to your FI about talking to them about helping with something. Pick one or two things that you agree they could handle arranging and paying for and let them focus on that. Plus, it'll make them feel more included. Soon they'll be your family, too, so I'm sure they want to help in some way. Maybe they just need to be approached, not do the approaching.
  As far as her comments go, I've also been there. My MIL was filled with them. There are two paths: ignore them and hope it gets better after the wedding, or address them to let her know you mean business. I chose the former and I'm glad I did. My belief is that it was just pre-wedding stress getting to everyone. Since the wedding is done, she hasn't made any other such comments unless requested. I don't know your FMIL, so ultimately it's up to you to assess which way you think she'll go. I would choose whichever one you think would keep the peace in the family in the long run. I'll also caution you to not hold back so long that one day you totally explode. Either find another way to chanel your frustration, or address it with her calmly. Arguing with her won't get you anywhere.
  As an anecdote, everytime she sticks her nose in where it doesn't belong, think to yourself this funny quote addressed to FMILs: "Shut up, show up, and wear beige". My eye doctor told me that when I was planning the wedding and my mom and I always got a chuckle out of it. We never said it out loud at all to anyone else b/c it's disrespectful, but it someone eased my tension with the FMIL and made me feel a little better.
  Also, just as an aside, I wouldn't hold the engagement party thing against them. Lots of people don't even have those (we didn't), so in my opinion that's kind of neither here nor there. Just my two cents.

  We're selling some things left from our wedding! http://weddinggoodsforsale.weebly.com/

  Report0 Reply
• RoyalOrient member

  

  March 2012

  In most Asian cultures, the groom's family pays for everything. So my FMIL was worried about paying for our wedding. She is very old fashion. Nowadays, weddings are so expensive that multiple parties pay for the wedding. We did have a somewhat awkward conversation with both sets of parents but we did it to reassure them that we could pay for our wedding and they did not need to financially contribute. I think maybe your FMIL needs an update on wedding planning. The archaic rules of yesterday are long gone. I've always thought the tradition of having the brides' family or just one party pay for everything (unless it is the couple) to be absurd and outdated especially in this day and age. 

  FOR SALE
  
  
  

  Report0 Reply
• URIsweethearts

  

  March 2012

  dberrett - reading your response has helped me put my own current issues with FMIL in perspective. so I thank you for that. my FMIL is very opinated - makes comments, fights with us on stupid issues, etc. we are currently dealing with the fact that she wants to throw a 75 person rehearsal dinner when we thought we'd have like 40. but that's my problem, not what's going on here. I wish I could relate to you more but even though she does all of the above, they have offered to help out with the cost because they feel like it's FI's wedding too and they should take some of the brunt of those charges. so as mentioned and suggested already - i gave her a few things that neither my parents were interested with nor FI or I were. so she got the rehearsal dinner, transportation and brunch and between all that a shower in NJ she is having for her relatives down there - she will wish she didn't volunteer to help. haha. FMILs are really tough. my mom and FMIL are very different and FI has a HUGE family that he is pretty much close to everyone - italians - think cake boss, haha. but bottom line is, I am going to say my peace about the dinner when we see her in 2 weeks, about how I feel it's too big (and even she said she didnt want a mini weddign and look what we are doing!) but then I will drop it. It's not worth it. after the wedding is over - you are still going to deal with these ppl. they will be your family too. and like they say, you cant choose your family. like PP said, I don't know your FMIL so you need to figure out the best way to confront her - but just try to relax. it will all work out - easier said than done and I need to take my own advice- but bottom line - it will, b.c you are still marrying the best man ever - to you. and if he is anything like my FI he will understand FMIL is crazy too.

  Report0 Reply
• i2012do member

  

  March 2012

  I agree with everything everyone has said alreayd. Seomtimes you just have to step back and breathe. I have the exact problem you are having. We have had to cut back the wedding a lot because we can't afford thigns and fi's parents haven't offered to help us financially. When we first got engaged they sent us $50 in the mail adn said to put it towards the wedding fund.That paid for my flip flops I am giving out at the reception.
  
  I would just be frank. I mean you have to be open about it. You don't have to ask them to contribute- maybe they don't have the funds to do so. But the next time she makes a cynide comment maybe say something like "actually, fiance and I are saving up to pay for the wedding and help out my parents- we don't want it to all fall into their lap, it seems unfair and outdated"
  
  Then she will see that OTHER people are working to contribute. Perhaps it will open her eyes a bit.
  
  Fiances parents originally sent an email that they would, as tradition states, pay for the rehearsal dinner but then backed out- so now it falls in our lap.
  
  I know how you feel. My parents are finanically able to provide us a wedding but at the same time i feel a bit like my inlaws are "taking" advantage of my parents situation, but assuming they are picking up the tab.
  
  fiance and i are also contributing as well.
  

  www.weddedeverafter.blogspot.com
  167 Invited 34 Attending Declined 4 Still Waiting 129

  Report0 Reply