HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight!

TaylerElizabeth · May 2011

Kind of long, sorry...

My FMIL has always been a real pill. She constantly makes uncomfortable and unneeded comments about my fiance's weight gain in the past 4 years. Not only this but I hear nothing but comments on our eatting habbits, how much we work out, and what I need to be doing to make him loose weight. This is because, as she so polietly put it, "He is going to have a heart attack and die." My fiance is no where near fat. He is 6'3" and 240lbs, tall and broad is how I put it.

Recently we moved away from this overbearing and toxic environment and I was looking forward to being half a country away from the constant nagging about his heart health and weight. Saddly this is not the case. Almost daily I recieve text messages or FB posts about what new diets/pills/ect that she's heard about and how I NEED to buy them for him.

On a trip home last month I heard all about who has been gaining weight and who needs to stop eatting. Not only from my FMIL but even my FSIL went as far as to complain the whole week about her fat rolls. (I'm sorry you don't have rolls if I can put my hands around your waist.)

I have never been worried about my size because I'm happy with how I am and I don't think I am large at all, (size 6). Both of these women are tiny (size 2 at the most), and are so brutal about other people's weight. Since our trip I have found myself worrying about my weight and obessing about dietting. I've noticed a severe drop in my happiness and no matter what I do I cannot help but think about their judgements. I'm at my limit with them. I love my fiance, he is a dream come true, but his mother and sister are a total nightmare!

This is causing problems with our relationship because he knows that it upsets me and it is upsetting him just as much, but if I mention anything about it he gets angry. He calls them ridiculous and says don't worry about it, but how do I not worry?

What can I do or say to make this stop? Ignoring her isn't helping, nothing is.

em01092 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-driving-crazy-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ee685a1e-5c52-436e-8498-3a1e900bae64Post:dbd0aa77-9b02-431c-8491-76d87e31d51e">HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight!</a>:
[QUOTE]Kind of long, sorry... My FMIL has always been a real pill. She constantly makes uncomfortable and unneeded comments about my fiance's weight gain in the past 4 years. Not only this but I hear nothing but comments on our eatting habbits, how much we work out, and what I need to be doing to make him loose weight. This is because, as she so polietly put it, "He is going to have a heart attack and die." My fiance is no where near fat. He is 6'3" and 240lbs, tall and broad is how I put it. Recently we moved away from this overbearing and toxic environment and I was looking forward to being half a country away from the constant nagging about his heart health and weight. Saddly this is not the case. Almost daily I recieve text messages or FB posts about what new diets/pills/ect that she's heard about and how I NEED to buy them for him. On a trip home last month I heard all about who has been gaining weight and who needs to stop eatting. Not only from my FMIL but even my FSIL went as far as to complain the whole week about her fat rolls. (I'm sorry you don't have rolls if I can put my hands around your waist.) I have never been worried about my size because I'm happy with how I am and <strong>I don't think I am large at all, (size 6)</strong>. Both of these women are tiny (size 2 at the most), and are so brutal about other people's weight. Since our trip I have found myself worrying about my weight and obessing about dietting. I've noticed a severe drop in my happiness and no matter what I do I cannot help but think about their judgements. I'm at my limit with them. I love my fiance, he is a dream come true, but his mother and sister are a total nightmare! This is causing problems with our relationship because he knows that it upsets me and it is upsetting him just as much, but if I mention anything about it he gets angry. He calls them ridiculous and says don't worry about it, but how do I not worry? What can I do or say to make this stop? Ignoring her isn't helping, nothing is.
Posted by TaylerElizabeth[/QUOTE]

<div>If you are large, then I don't know what your FMIL would have to say about me...(size 12). But I love my curves so she can suck it. </div><div>
</div><div>She and your FSIL are probably insecure, hence their need to put others down. Hell, they might be jealous you have a little more meat on you than they do. Who knows. But they are being bullies. Every woman has some weight and body image concerns, regardless of shape and size, but this seems excessive and mean. </div><div>
</div><div>Have you tried being direct with her? Tell her she is hurting your feelings and ask that she not make those comments anymore. If you have a healthy BMI and are where you should be for your height/age, then she can't really prove a point. Sure, eating out may be something you could work on, since regardless of size that is not healthy, but still you are an adult and can have a hamburger if you want one. </div><div>
</div><div>You could also just ignore her and let it roll of your back. This is easier said than done though, and sorta sounds like what you have been doing. </div><div>
</div><div>Good luck! </div>

Muffin'sMom · May 2011

You are giving her WAY too much power over your life. Why would you do that? People say and do those kind of things to deflect their own insecurities...it has nothing to do with you.

Smile, pat her on the back, give a little shake of the head and walk away. Any discussion or argument, and she wins. Refuse to play.

courtney1188 · May 2011

If you're responding to these mean texts and calls, I would stop. I would also change your fb features so she cannot leave those comments. It's easy, just go to the top corner where it says account and select privacy settings. Change your settings to custom, click on customize, and then go down to 'things others can share'. Then you can customize who can comment on your posts. Or you can just delete the nasty ones if you don't want to bother with all that.

eviltwin13 · May 2011

Why does she think it is your responsibility to buy him diet pills or otherwise manage his weight? It's his body. I would resent the implication that as the woman in the relationship, you must be the one managing his food intake and health.

I don't agree with your FI that you can just ignore this. Getting daily text messages and emails is intrusive and overstepping a boundary. It is insulting to you and to him, and if she isn't picking up on your cues to back off, he needs to speak to her. Nagging and shaming doesn't work even if someone IS overweight or struggling with their health - she would not be justified in doing this regardless.

If it's a possibility that you might eventually have kids, especially daughters, it's especially important to set this boundary now. If she can't control herself around grown adults who can defend themselves, imagine what she will be like to an innocent little granddaughter whose parents "don't care if they're unhealthy". Your FSIL's obsession with her "fat rolls" came from somewhere. This could be passed down to another generation if it's allowed to continue.

Just to say also that the one person in my life who DID almost die of a heart attack was not overweight in any way. He was a heavy smoker and a diabetic who was not controlling his diabetes. No amount of nagging or heart to heart talks has made an impact on his smoking, not even a quadruple bypass and a doctor bluntly saying "If you take up smoking again, you'll be dead within a year". And he's still smoking. It's very hard to watch someone make choices that you don't agree with, and we all try at various times to encourage him to do what he needs to do to live life longer and be with us, but how horrible would it be if he did die and we'd done nothing but nag and berate him for the last years of his life. "Quality of life" includes emotional life too.

hlq2011 · May 2011

I agree with PPs.

However, I want to add something. Try to see where she's coming from. My dad passed away last year, and though it wasn't due to his cholesterol, we found out from autopsy that he probably would have had a heart attack. Since then, my stepmother has made a few comments about how much cheese I eat, and stuff like that.

Is there a history of heart disease or other such ailments in her family? Maybe she is genuinely concerned and expressing it badly.

Again, not justifying her behavior whatsoever - even if she's legitimately concerned, this is way over the top and needs to stop; it's not a healthy environment at all - but I honestly think that at least trying to understand where this all is coming from may help a little?

MairePoppy · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-driving-crazy-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ee685a1e-5c52-436e-8498-3a1e900bae64Post:ad913118-2303-4289-9837-7656e4ad999a">Re: HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight!</a>:
[QUOTE]You are giving her WAY too much power over your life. Why would you do that? People say and do those kind of things to deflect their own insecurities...it has nothing to do with you. Smile, pat her on the back, give a little shake of the head and walk away. Any discussion or argument, and she wins. Refuse to play.
Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]

^^This^^
The next time she sends you a message related to weight or diet, reply back that from now on you will not discuss this topic, at all, with her. Ignore/delete the messages.

hlq has a point, but still, if there is a concern about his weight, fi should discuss it with his doctor. You don't have to answer to anyone else.

brjm2007 · May 2011

Ignoring is fine. It's annoying though when your man can't stand up to his mother and put his foot down in your defense. I deal with this all the time. I have since decided I do NOT like his mother at all, but I deal with her because she is his mother and won't be going away anytime soon. I am marrying him, not her. That's what gets me through it. Good luck girl.

gailpete · May 2011

First- size 6 IS NOT LARGE- so don't let her make you question yourself.

She is out of line. As PPs have mentioned, I am assuming that your FI has been to a doctor and gets regular checkups and the doctor has not mentioned any issues related to his weight. Tell her a) that her sons eating habits are his responsibility, not yours, and b) if and when the doctor is concerned about his weight it will be addressed, without any input from her.

zitiqueen · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-driving-crazy-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ee685a1e-5c52-436e-8498-3a1e900bae64Post:dbd0aa77-9b02-431c-8491-76d87e31d51e">HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight!</a>:
[QUOTE]Kind of long, sorry... My FMIL has always been a real pill. She constantly makes uncomfortable and unneeded comments about my fiance's weight gain in the past 4 years. Not only this but I hear nothing but comments on our eatting habbits, how much we work out, and what I need to be doing to make him loose weight. This is because, as she so polietly put it, "He is going to have a heart attack and die." My fiance is no where near fat. He is 6'3" and 240lbs, tall and broad is how I put it. Recently we moved away from this overbearing and toxic environment and I was looking forward to being half a country away from the constant nagging about his heart health and weight. Saddly this is not the case. Almost daily I recieve text messages or FB posts about what new diets/pills/ect that she's heard about and how I NEED to buy them for him. On a trip home last month I heard all about who has been gaining weight and who needs to stop eatting. Not only from my FMIL but even my FSIL went as far as to complain the whole week about her fat rolls. (I'm sorry you don't have rolls if I can put my hands around your waist.) I have never been worried about my size because I'm happy with how I am and I don't think I am large at all, (size 6). Both of these women are tiny (size 2 at the most), and are so brutal about other people's weight. Since our trip I have found myself worrying about my weight and obessing about dietting. I've noticed a severe drop in my happiness and no matter what I do I cannot help but think about their judgements. I'm at my limit with them. I love my fiance, he is a dream come true, but his mother and sister are a total nightmare!<strong> This is causing problems with our relationship because he knows that it upsets me and it is upsetting him just as much, but if I mention anything about it he gets angry. He calls them ridiculous and says don't worry about it, but how do I not worry?</strong> What can I do or say to make this stop? Ignoring her isn't helping, nothing is.
Posted by TaylerElizabeth[/QUOTE]

So your FI is more concerned with his mommy's feelings than with yours or his own? Hope you're ready for a lifetime of that.

SilverLining1 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-driving-crazy-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ee685a1e-5c52-436e-8498-3a1e900bae64Post:33bfaddd-c0e2-4fc2-ac45-92e48226d013">Re: HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight! : So your FI is more concerned with his mommy's feelings than with yours or his own? Hope you're ready for a lifetime of that.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>I know I'm a newb and all, but I never understand your comments. From the part you bolded, I gathered that her FI is just as fed up with his mother as the OP is, but he prefers to ignore it. Some people find it easier to ignore things like that than others do. I doubt that he's saying that to spare his mother's feelings.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, sorry I'm not more help. I think that telling her that you will absolutely not discuss this with her or something along those lines might help. Like PP mentioned, I'd be concerned for your future children (if you choose to have any) around her.</div>

zitiqueen · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-driving-crazy-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ee685a1e-5c52-436e-8498-3a1e900bae64Post:5f757189-3fc9-4905-912c-72fe9d205f88">Re: HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight! : I know I'm a newb and all, but I never understand your comments. From the part you bolded, I gathered that her FI is just as fed up with his mother as the OP is, but he prefers to ignore it. Some people find it easier to ignore things like that than others do. I doubt that he's saying that to spare his mother's feelings. OP, sorry I'm not more help. I think that telling her that you will absolutely not discuss this with her or something along those lines might help. Like PP mentioned, I'd be concerned for your future children (if you choose to have any) around her.
Posted by SilverLining1[/QUOTE]

What's not to understand? Her FI doesn't stick up for himself when his mother says hurtful comments to him or his wife. That's doormat behavior. Allowing his mother to run rough-shod over them isn't behavior that's going to change after the wedding vows are exchanged. Therefore, she is signing up for a lifetime of her husband allowing his mother to treat him and her (and yes, probably their future kids too) like crap.

LoveMuffins · May 2011

I agree with PPs, text her back and tell her that you don't want to hear anymore about your or FI's weight or pills or diets, because you know that you two look good and while you appreciate her concern, you are healthy and happy.

and if she wont stop, just start deleting the texts as they come in.

it looks to me like FI is less of a doormat than he just realizses his mom and sister aren't going to change. the best you can do is get them to stop talking to YOU about it. his coping mechanism is apparently to ignore it. i know how hard it is - my size 0 "friend" used to make lots of comments to me about my size 8 body. it seemed to seriously annoy her that i was happy with the way i looked. i got a little passive aggressive about it - would start saying things like, "oh but chocolate's just so good" or if she said something about how i need to watch what i eat, "the guy i likes is into curves, tonight i'm having McD's and a milkshake so i can shake that booty!" and basically turned all of her advice into a "joke". the more i smiled, the more it pissed her off. Took about a month of me withstanding dirty looks from her, but eventually she shut up. not saying it's the best course to take, but it's an option.

good luck!

Cynthia1207 · May 2011

I just want to give a different perspective on the issue. I first want to say that I completely agree with you that the comments are out of line and that you have every right to be hurt by them

Now...I am skinny and always have been. I'm talking less than a size 0 and I am hard on myself in terms of how my body looks. I've always been very active and into sports. When I was younger I used to swim and later on I became a salsa dancer so my body was always fit. Now...not so much. I haven't gained any weight it's just that my body doesn't look like what it used to be.

Your SIL might just have an issue with that OR she might just be trying to get attention. Attention as in : No way! You're not fat. I wish I was skinny like you.
I knew someone who did this all the time and it was annoying as hell.

My advice to you is to either let these comments slide or do something about them. Either ask FI to tell his family that these comments are hurting you or you just say something yourself the next time. Example: I'm actually very happy about the way I look, eat and whatnot. I feel great and I am healthy. If you have nothing nice to say then please don't say anything at all.

She won't have much to say after that one.

Kate61487 · May 2011

I agree that this is a tough situation, and that her behavior is totally out of line. I personally would not be able to just ignore DAILY comments. I agree with PPs that you or your FI needs to say something the next time she does it (in person or on the phone would be better than responding via text).

Whether you want to be direct and blatant ('I don't appreciate those comments, and won't be discussing my or FI's weight with you in the future"); direct but a little softer ("Actually we're both at a perfectly healthy weight, thanks for your concern, but it's completely unnecessary"); or side step it like LoveMuffins suggested; whatever method you use is up to you.

But I completely agree with eviltwin - and would be working to make sure this stops before it's affecting a child's self esteem.

SilverLining1 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-driving-crazy-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ee685a1e-5c52-436e-8498-3a1e900bae64Post:4b5c2706-7c45-4e0c-9e79-0e9aef9f3a20">Re: HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight! : What's not to understand? Her FI doesn't stick up for himself when his mother says hurtful comments to him or his wife. That's doormat behavior. Allowing his mother to run rough-shod over them isn't behavior that's going to change after the wedding vows are exchanged. Therefore, she is signing up for a lifetime of her husband allowing his mother to treat him and her (and yes, probably their future kids too) like crap.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't think that it's doormat behavoir. I think that it's how he deals with it. Maybe he doesn't thoroughly understand the OP's perspective. I agree that it would probably help a whole lot if he stood up to his mother. If you had said that first, it would have been more helpful.</div>

TaylerElizabeth · May 2011

Thank you everyone for your advice and help!

We have had issues with my FMIL before when she practically picked out our first home together without so much of a thought that something like that is our responsibility, not hers. For that occasion, he sat down and bluntly told her to back off, its our life, not her's, we'll decide what we want. This worked, but not without problems. She thought we were "stepping on toes" and "going to fail" so that she would have to bail us out when we wanted to move home. (I'm proud to say we are doing very well for being in our younger 20s and 1,000 miles from home.) I have been scared to take that approach again because she almost refused to attend the engagement party that my parents had thrown for us.

With the help from all of you, I've realized that I need to buck up and tell her how I feel. She cannot have control over his life forever and I refuse to let her have control over mine. If she doesn't step back and let him and I live our own life than she will be limited in what she is included in when we have our own family. I WILL NOT have her influence my future children in the way that she has influenced my fiance. His lack of self-confidence stems from the emotional abuse that she has caused. He admitted this the other day when I finally sat to tell him that this needs to change. We are now on the same page and planning how we will approach this problem in a mature matter as not to "step on any toes".

THANK YOU!

SilverLining1 · May 2011

That's wonderful. It definitely won't be easy, but I think that you're taking the right steps. Just make sure that you both keep firm with this, even when it's hard. If she tries to say "Well I won't attend the wedding/baptism/egagement party", don't give in. You tell her "I'm sorry to hear that, you will be missed". Don't let her use that tactic.

Additionally, you may want to consider premarital counseling. This is exactly the kind of thing that counselors teach you how to deal with as a couple. Best of luck!

Maggie0829 · May 2011

To me it sounds like his mother has a major body size/weight obsession. Did you ever think that maybe she has some issues that she hasn't fully excepted or dealt with and is just turning them onto you and your fiance? It seems that she has very low self-esteem about herself and her body and then tries to make everyone around her feel the same way so that she is not alone. LIke PP said you cannot ignore the comments but I definitely think a civilized conversation with her and your fiance is needed now. Pretty much in no uncertain terms you need to tell her that you and your fiance are happy and healthy and that, unless you ask her opinion, you do not want/need anymore help in regards to diets and you would appreciate the criticism of your and your fiance's weight to stop. If she doesn't listen then not sure what to tell you to do...at least you don't live next door!

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-driving-crazy-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ee685a1e-5c52-436e-8498-3a1e900bae64Post:5f757189-3fc9-4905-912c-72fe9d205f88">Re: HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight! : I know I'm a newb and all, but I never understand your comments. From the part you bolded, I gathered that her FI is just as fed up with his mother as the OP is, but he prefers to ignore it. Some people find it easier to ignore things like that than others do. I doubt that he's saying that to spare his mother's feelings. OP, sorry I'm not more help. I think that telling her that you will absolutely not discuss this with her or something along those lines might help. Like PP mentioned, I'd be concerned for your future children (if you choose to have any) around her.
Posted by SilverLining1[/QUOTE]

That 's how I read this too. He's had it with his mother bringing it up and doesn't want to hear it from his wife also. He probably knows he should lose a couple of pounds but it's hard to do when those who should support you are harping on it.

jemmini6 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-driving-crazy-weight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ee685a1e-5c52-436e-8498-3a1e900bae64Post:5907b423-7f3a-402b-8ddc-ab95fba4d498">Re: HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>To me it sounds like his mother has a major body size/weight obsession. Did you ever think that maybe she has some issues that she hasn't fully excepted or dealt with and is just turning them onto you and your fiance?</strong> <strong>It seems that she has very low self-esteem about herself and her body and then tries to make everyone around her feel the same way so that she is not alone.</strong> LIke PP said you cannot ignore the comments but I definitely think a civilized conversation with her and your fiance is needed now. Pretty much in no uncertain terms you need to tell her that you and your fiance are happy and healthy and that, unless you ask her opinion, you do not want/need anymore help in regards to diets and you would appreciate the criticism of your and your fiance's weight to stop. If she doesn't listen then not sure what to tell you to do...at least you don't live next door!
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

This was my first thought when reading this too. I'm not therapist, but it sounds like she's projecting her own issues on you guys' to hide the fact that she's unhappy with her body. (What were her eating habits when you lived near her? Did she eat in front of you? Did she go to the bathroom right after she ate? How often did she work out? etc. She might be claiming you need to do ____ to make it seem like that's normal so that no one will notice that she's doing it too)

I would try to ignore her the best you can and if she brings stuff like that up, maybe say something like "I appreciate your concern, but I don't think what you are suggesting is healthy either. If we feel the need to lose weight, we'll consult a nutritionist". It's kind of a tough situation though so I wish you the best of luck!

HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight!

Re: HELP! FMIL driving me crazy about weight!

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