SO and time with other women

bourgehm · December 2010

FI told me that his recruiter took him out for lunch today, just the two of them. It's not his boss or anything. He found the job through a contracting agency, and the woman called and asked him to go out to lunch (and he went). Evidently she said that she wanted to ''talk about the job", but it ended up being more just like chatting. I found it a little bit strange, but am not mad at him or anything. It just sounded a little date-like, and especially because she's not his boss or anything. Does this sound odd to anyone else, or am I just over analyzing the situation?

Also, how do you feel about your SO hanging out with other women one on one? When is it okay, and when, if at all, is it crossing the line with what you think is 'okay'?

bourgehm · December 2010

FI has only a few good friends that are women, so it's never really been an issue. The only time when it's 'not' okay for me is if he were to go on a 'date' like thing with them. That just makes me uncomfortable. Like if he took her out to dinner. That would bother me. But when him and one of his women friends would eat lunch in their caf (when he was in college), that didn't bother me at all.

I've heard of some people's fiance' getting angry when their 'woman' does a group project with a guy. That is over board in my opinion. That can't be helped.

And my mother gets upset when my dad does a work project with just another woman. I think that may be a little over board, since that is a little un avoidable.

jemmini6 · December 2010

When my FI was a contractor, his recruiter did the same thing. She usually took him to lunch once every two months or so just to see how things were going with the job, but mostly they talked about random stuff. I think it's pretty typical in that type of employment because he is technically working for the recruiting company and they get a chunk of his earnings, so they want to keep relations good and let you know that they haven't forgotten about you.

bourgehm · December 2010

Good to know Jemmini! I didn't realize that that type of thing happens normally for recruiters.

redheadfsu · December 2010

My FI has gone out to lunch with a recruiter a few times in the last year. The recruiter did not get him his current job, but forwards promising jobs to him (for him or for names of friends that would be interested)

Recruiters take people out to lunch to chat. Not frequently, but once in a blue moon to keep contacts. They network. She may want to know if he has any friends that needs jobs. He might not need a job now, but she wants to keep him as a contact for future job searches.

mzm153 · December 2010

I have no problem with my SO hanging out with other women because I know he's not the cheating type. If he were, I wouldn't be dating him in the first place. Where I work I am the only woman in the team, so that's why I am around guys other than my BF all the time. My BF is okay with that since that's my job (I am an engineer).

heyimbren · December 2010

Okay, confession: I used to be the psycho, controlling girlfriend. It was wayy back before I ever met my current BF, and it was while I was with an ex. I had serious trust issues with him though. I used to wonder if it was me or the situation, and after we broke up and I started dating other guys and it turned out normal, I realized it was the situation.

BF doesn't hang out one on one with girls. But it wouldn't bother me if he did, because he does have some female friends. As long as he wasn't holed up in a room drinking the night away with one, or paying to take her out (like for dinner), or cancelling plans with me to spend time with a girl I'm pretty much okay with it.

From a different perspective, I have one very, very close guy friend who's very much like a brother to me. Justin doesn't have any problem with me spending time with him, even one on one. It probably helps that this friend was the one who introduced us, and J has known him for years.

SeaTea02 · December 2010

Honestly, it depends on the girl if I would be jealous. Unless it is business or something for school he doesn't need to be going out with any girls I don't know. He expects the same from me.

marleylikeair · December 2010

Hmm. I think when it's a professional contact, and it's just lunch, it's okay. I'd be a little weirded out, too, though.

In general, I'd say if it's daylight hours, there's no alcohol involved, and it's a rare occurrence, it's usually okay. If it started happening all the time, that might raise an eyebrow. If the person your SO met with was a previous fling or GF, that wouldn't be okay unless you agreed to it beforehand. (Personally, I wouldn't, and BF would never want to do something like that.)

You have to use your gut. If it's saying "there's something about this that feels over the line," it's at least worth talking to your SO. Not that I'm saying there's anything in this particular instance or your particular relationship to worry about; just in general.

calindi · December 2010

I go out to lunch all the time with my male colleagues, either in groups or one-on-one. Neither I nor my BF has ever thought anything of it. Similarly, he has girls in his classes, and will frequently have study meetings with girls, either in groups or one-on-one. I guess it would be an issue if one of us was scheduling free-time to hang out with these people, or going out with the same person over and over. But for us, this wouldn't be a concern.

From what I read, it doesn't sound like you have any trust issues with your FI. It's more the recruiter's motives that you're questioning. And you have every right to question - while I'm sure it's as previous posters said, that it's normal and part of her job, I personally don't trust most women as far as I can throw them. There are some women who, for whatever reason, go after men in relationships. Thrill of the chase or whatever, I guess. That said, I trust my BF, so I sort of let out an evil cackle and go, "Well, she can give it her best shot, but it'll be funny cuz she's going to fail."

bourgehm · December 2010

I understand where you're coming from sea. If FI did hang out with girls one on one a bunch I would probably start to get jelous. Our rule is always that we call each other before we hang out with someone else (of course only if they're of the opposite sex), just so we both know what's going on and it doesn't come up later in the day when we talk. If he just mentioned "o yeah, Kate and I went out to lunch together", I would probably be a little upset. Same if I did that. So now we just call before and just tell the other what's up so its not a huge surprise. It's worked well for us.

leia1979 · December 2010

I agree with Marley. Professional contact + lunch = no problem. I have no problem with him having lunch with female former coworkers he's stayed friends with.

I just had lunch with one of my coworkers today. No one else wanted to head out to lunch. It's certainly nothing more than friends having lunch. He even helped me pick out a card for our other coworker who's getting married this weekend.

whereyat · December 2010

Kind of what calindi said - if it's for business/professional purposes and/or during the work day, no problem. I mean 50% of the people you work with, will be of the opposite sex. And it's important to keep up contacts for professional purposes, etc.

If it would be something during his FREE time, that would seem sketchy to me. (Generally speaking).

bourgehm · December 2010

Jamie,
I think if FI hang out with his exes I wouldn't feel completely comfortable with it. But it's never happened, so I don't know for sure.

bethsmiles · December 2010

BF's has two friends that are girls that he hangs out with. It doesn't really bother me. If he was blowing me off to spend time with another girl that would bother me but he's never crossed any lines and he isn't really the type to and I love his two friends so really I don't have any problems with them hanging out.

Simply Fated · December 2010

My bf knew going into the relationship with me that I have guy friends. I would occasionaly go out to lunch or even dinner with them. He trusts me and I trust him. It's just food and talking.

motoLyn · December 2010

I don't have a problem with FI hanging out with other girls, but then a majority of those girls are my friends as well. He and I ran in the same social circle before we started seeing each other. So in turn I go and have lunch and sometimes dinner with other guys but they are guys that FI knew before he knew me. Strangely I seem to have a few close female friends but lots of guy friends. When we go out and hang, surf, mountain bike or go to the movies its always me, FI and our guy friends. I sometimes feel like that token little sister that has to be brought along. In other words I wouldn't worry or be jealous as long as I knew the girl and he isn't blowing me off to go hang with her. The only time that I go and have lunch/dinner or hang with another guy is when FI is busy and vice versa for him. Strange new women I might raise an eyebrow.

loves2shop4shoes · December 2010

I don't mind FI spending time with women, even if it is one on one...and he doesn't mind me spending time with men.

The only issue I've ever had was that I felt slightly uncomfortable with him hanging out with a female friend of his who is basically the town school bus. She sleeps with everyone, including several of their mutual friends. She also does not care if these people have girlfriends at the time she sleeps with them. She and FI have been friends since freshman year of high school, so I just left it alone. But it made me very uncomfortable for a LONG time.

PaigeMcC · December 2010

FBD can hang out with whoever he wants. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. It also doesn't bother him that most of my friends are male. I think it's secretly because he likes having the boys come over and play video games lol

[Deleted User] · December 2010

I'm perfectly ok with my BF hanging out with another female. There's one exception. He has a co-worker I've never met, but for some reason I don't like her. It could be that she's criticized our relationship. But I can understand the uneasy feeling.

bettyshaw · December 2010

For me it depends on the girl. I've met a lot of BF's female friends, and they're great girls. Still, they usually hang out in groups, so I don't know how I'd feel in another situation. And if it were a girl he either talked about a LOT or went out of his way not to mention, I'd probably be more concerned.

Blue & White · December 2010

I'm dating my best friend's ex. I wouldn't even care if my best friend and my boyfriend hung out together, by themselves. I also trust both of them like crazy.

In other news, if I actually cared about my boyfriend hanging out with girls, I'd be the most hypocritical person in the whole world - I have way more male friends than female friends. I'm not giving them up for my boyfriend

And I don't expect him to give up any female friends of his own.

SO and time with other women

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