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Ok to invite people to an engagement party but not the wedding?

KelleyAnn11KelleyAnn11
First Comment
in Pre-wedding Parties
Hi all,
Sorry if this is one of those frequent questions. My FI and I were thinking of a big bbq this summer as an engagement party. We will be having a small wedding next fall. Ideally we'd like to invite anyone that wants to come to the engagement party (friends, family, guests, family friends) but we know that we won't have space for a huge guest list at the wedding itself. Is this ok or will people be offended?

If it makes a difference, it's definitely a no-gift engagement thing.

Thanks!
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Re: Ok to invite people to an engagement party but not the wedding?

  • cpm1223cpm1223
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011

     It is rude to host a party in your honor AND to invite people who won't be invited to the wedding.

    Just call is a BBQ...don't mention "engagement party" or anything wedding related & you can invite whoever you want.

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  • cpm1223cpm1223
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011

    it doesn't make a difference if you say no gifts, it almost makes it worse because you are implying that the guests should be bringing a gift and you are "letting them off the hook"

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  • niecie_jeffniecie_jeff member
    500 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I agree w/PP, dont do it, its very rude. I was invited to a shower a few weeks ago but was not invited to the wedding. I was given the reason of space restrictions for not being invited to the wedding. It is like you are saying "Hey, your good enough to get me a gift for my wedding, but your not important enough to come to the wedding."
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  • katieisawesomekatieisawesome
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    No.  Not okay.  Not at all.
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  • KelleyAnn11KelleyAnn11
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think you guys misunderstood...friends were planning on hosting, not us. Also, many people come up with nice ways to say "no gifts" on party invites (and through word of mouth, for that matter). I wasn't planning on throwing myself a party and asking for a bunch of presents.

    In any case, I agree completely about shower guest lists. But I think this is a somewhat different case just because it's meant to be a party.

    Thanks for the feedback :)
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  • cpm1223cpm1223
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I didn't misunderstand you at all, you never mentioned that your friends were planning to host a party, you said"FI and I were thinking of a big bbq this summer as an engagement party." I take that as you and your FI, planning a BBQ...not sure how I would know it was your friends throwing the party.

    Don't mention gifts at all on the invites, its tacky. If you get gifts, great send a thank you after the party, but mentioning gifts on the invites will make your guests feel awkward.

    Its no different than a shower either. People will assume they are invited to the wedding if they are invited to ANY pre-wedding related parties.

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  • Hellokatie0517Hellokatie0517 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ok-invite-people-engagement-party-but-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:1d135b18-5548-44b3-b990-e39b380897eePost:e56ddf35-ba32-468b-a6d5-566c6dc90a8e">Re: Ok to invite people to an engagement party but not the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree w/PP, dont do it, its very rude. <strong>I was invited to a shower a few weeks ago but was not invited to the wedding. I was given the reason of space restrictions for not being invited to the wedding.</strong> It is like you are saying "Hey, your good enough to get me a gift for my wedding, but your not important enough to come to the wedding."
    Posted by niecie_jeff[/QUOTE]

    Wow.  So who put you on the guest list for the shower? The BMs or the bride herself? That's bull$hit, I'd be pissed.

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  • Hellokatie0517Hellokatie0517 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Agree with PPs, anyone invited to pre-wedding parties are to be invited to the wedding.

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  • KelleyAnn11KelleyAnn11
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I didn't misunderstand you at all, you never mentioned that your friends were planning to host a party, you said"FI and I were thinking of a big bbq this summer as an engagement party." I take that as you and your FI, planning a BBQ...not sure how I would know it was your friends throwing a party.

    "We're thinking" in terms of guest list. No need to assume the worst. It's a perfectly resonable question to wonder if an engagement party invite list has to be the same as wedding list. And for what's it's worth, even Martha Stewart says it's a bit of a grey area.
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  • cpm1223cpm1223
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You maybe should have started your post with "our friends are hosting an engagement party for us and they asked for a guest list..." That would have helped. It was only after I said it was rude to host your own party that you added that detail to the post.

    Its reasonable to ask who can be invited to an engagement party but this is a pre-wedding party, therefore, people who are invited and then not invited to the wedding will be pissed!

    Tell your friends that you'd like to invite a lot of people and have them call it a BBQ, just don't call it an engagement party unless you plan on inviting everyone to the wedding.
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  • covejackcovejack
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Kelley Ann, you seem to be re-phrasing the question in order to get the answer that you want.  It's really rude to ask people to come celebrate an upcoming wedding that they won't be invited to, no matter who hosts.  An engagement party falls into that category.

    Your question was totally reasonable, and you're getting good answers.  Re-read what Retread said. 

    Good luck with your planning though.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Have a BBQ and call it that.  Do not hold an engagement party (no matter who's hosting) and invite people who are not on the wedding invite list. Being invited to the engagement party implies that they'll also be invited to the wedding.
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  • mcskatcatmcskatcat member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ok-invite-people-engagement-party-but-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:1d135b18-5548-44b3-b990-e39b380897eePost:aeb05594-21f8-4b97-9044-8cbcbdeef9e0">Re: Ok to invite people to an engagement party but not the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Have a BBQ and call it that.  Do not hold an engagement party (no matter who's hosting) and invite people who are not on the wedding invite list. Being invited to the engagement party implies that they'll also be invited to the wedding.
    Posted by PhotogBride[/QUOTE]

    This is the simplest way to say what you SHOULD do without offending anyone. 

    Honestly, I think engagement parties are sometimes okay, but this early in wedding planning odds are you have no idea who will be on your wedding list and what you want for your wedding could totally change in the next year or two.  Until you have your venue and caterer set, you probably don't have a realistic idea of how many guests you will be inviting so I would just host a fun BBQ, and people will probably congratulate you on your engagement regardless.   
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  • HappinessByTheKilowattHappinessByTheKilowatt member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ok-invite-people-engagement-party-but-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:1d135b18-5548-44b3-b990-e39b380897eePost:f990a10f-5340-4b46-b951-bb4b21aad27f">Re: Ok to invite people to an engagement party but not the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I didn't misunderstand you at all, you never mentioned that your friends were planning to host a party, you said"FI and I were thinking of a big bbq this summer as an engagement party." I take that as you and your FI, planning a BBQ...not sure how I would know it was your friends throwing a party. "We're thinking " in terms of guest list. No need to assume the worst. It's a perfectly resonable question to wonder if an engagement party invite list has to be the same as wedding list. And for what's it's worth, even Martha Stewart says it's a bit of a grey area.
    Posted by KelleyAnn11[/QUOTE]

    Martha Stewart's business isn't etiquette. Martha Stewart's business is selling things. If you want etiquette, try Emily Post, Step #2:

    <a href="http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/youre-engaged/655-inside-wedding-celebrating-your-engagement" rel='nofollow'>http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/youre-engaged/655-inside-wedding-celebrating-your-engagement</a>
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  • michael+sarahmichael+sarah
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think we should give KelleyAnn a break.  She asked a legitimate question, and probably "clarified" her question based on the somewhat harsh responses she initially received.  The message boards should be a place where people feel comfortable asking questions, even if others have very strong opinions on the answer.
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  • covejackcovejack
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ok-invite-people-engagement-party-but-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:1d135b18-5548-44b3-b990-e39b380897eePost:6ca588f7-da6a-4d51-8a5b-d493a67c7dea">Re: Ok to invite people to an engagement party but not the wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think we should give KelleyAnn a break.  She asked a legitimate question, and probably "clarified" her question based on the somewhat harsh responses she initially received.  The message boards should be a place where people feel comfortable asking questions, even if others have very strong opinions on the answer.
    Posted by michael+sarah[/QUOTE]

    I don't think people here were harsh.  She did have a legitimate questions, and she received some very good answers.
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