Dealing with Changing your Name

sroetman · January 2012

Since it's a tradition for the girl to take the groom's last name, I figure this is a good place to look for advice.

It is very important to my fiance that I take his name. I'm having a hard time accepting this. I feel like I'm losing my identity by taking his name. I will go from a unique last name to Hanson (much much more common). It is so common that I'll be the 3rd Sarah Hanson in his family. I've considered hyphenating and not changing at all, but it is very important to him that I have his last name.

I've considered different arguements/reasons on why changing my name will be okay, but I'm looking for advice on how to deal with this and how other have handled changing their names. I'm not ready to just be another Sarah Hanson...

artbyallie · January 2012

Ask him how he would feel about changing his name. When he (probably) reacts with horror, explain that that's how you feel about changing yours. Perhaps he would be willing to also hyphenate or to choose a name together (combine your names or something). You are not at all obligated to take his name. I did take my husband's name, but many women on these boards did not.

You may have difficulties reminding people that you didn't change it, and you might get checks written to your 'married' name, as I have seen others talk about these issues. But stick to your guns and have a frank conversation with your fiancé about why he wants you to and why you don't.

KatyRoseM · January 2012

Ask him why its important to him. Really listen. You may find that he has a good reason, you may not. Then ask him to really listen to what you think. Its important to be able to have these conversations and see where each of you is coming from and to try to understand the other person. At first I didn't think I would change my name, but in the course of the conversations I came to a different answer because I was able to talk with H about the symbolism to both of us, and the practical concerns.

RebeccaB88 · January 2012

I am not changing my name. FI is perfectly happy with whatever I choose to do. Honestly, if he'd been hell bent on my taking his name, we probably wouldn't be getting married. It's important to discuss with him why he feels so strongly about it, and why you have reservations about it. If you can't discuss this stuff, then maybe you aren't ready for marriage. Ultimately, it's your name, and your decision, not his or anyone else's. You don't have to change it.

ginadog · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_dealing-changing-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:6031000a-d950-49b2-b41e-b676dec5fbe9Post:113e19a2-d670-4c96-a9ec-a51504ae6ec1">Re: Dealing with Changing your Name</a>:
[QUOTE]Ask him why its important to him. Really listen. You may find that he has a good reason, you may not. Then ask him to really listen to what you think. <strong>Its important to be able to have these conversations and see where each of you is coming from and to try to understand the other person.</strong> At first I didn't think I would change my name, but in the course of the conversations I came to a different answer because I was able to talk with H about the symbolism to both of us, and the practical concerns.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

Ditto!

ElleB87 · January 2012

You're not obligated to change your name if you don't want to. Many women choose to keep their names and many husbands take their wives' names. Don't change your name if you don't actually want to.

DramaGeek · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_dealing-changing-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:6031000a-d950-49b2-b41e-b676dec5fbe9Post:8290054d-0067-438c-980e-84bb907f8acb">Re: Dealing with Changing your Name</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not changing my name. FI is perfectly happy with whatever I choose to do. Honestly, if he'd been hell bent on my taking his name, we probably wouldn't be getting married. It's important to discuss with him why he feels so strongly about it, and why you have reservations about it. If you can't discuss this stuff, then maybe you aren't ready for marriage. Ultimately, it's your name, and your decision, not his or anyone else's. You don't have to change it.
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto.</div><div>
</div><div>If you don't want to change it, don't. I didn't want to, but I knew it would start a huge thing with my ILs (H didn't care, his parents did) so I used both names. That's a PITA and I totally regretted it. I quit using H's name most of the time because it was so much easier, and a year or so ago he suggested I just drop his name all together so I did. I am sooo much happier this way and wish I'd done it from the beginning.</div>

asiriusone · January 2012

Here's my 2 cents worth.

Please give serious thought to this decision. Why does your fiance want you to take his name? Is he concerned that any children born to your marriage will not have his last name? This can be very important in some families. Have you established yourself professionally with your maiden name and are concerned that you will lose that history? Are you willing to hyphenate your last name? My sister uses her maiden name legally and professionally and her husband's last name socially. I took my husband's last name and have regretted it because I feel I lost a bit of myself. I would encourage you and your fiance to give this thoughtful consideration. My FDIL is keeping her maiden name, and I wholeheartedly support her.

vlevitt · January 2012

another aspect of this is that you should not feel a time crunch in making your decision. many women wait quite a while after the wedding to make their final decision on names.

don't let your FI's insistence keep you from taking time for the heart to heart talk, and personal reflection others here are suggesting to you.

Lisa50 · January 2012

Clearly, you do not want to change your name. Don't do it. Let your fiance know your decision, sooner rather than later. The drama will be over (for you) and he'll have to make peace with your choice.

I've seen multiple variations on this theme on TK. Often, the guy has very deep control issues. I recall one guy kicking his fiance out when she told him she wasn't going to change her name. She relented and changed her name to please him. I cannot imagine what the long-term prospects for that marriage might be.

KatyRoseM · January 2012

I don't think it always means control issues, that is why I recommend having a serious talk. Sometimes there are control issues, sometimes there is symbolism in it that is important for some reason. Talk it out, don't make a unilateral decision because he may think of a last name as a "family" name and you are starting your family together, do you really want to start that by not being willing to talk about why its important to each of you?

calliopeia2013 · January 2012

Well, I can't tell from the OP how much you've actually talked it through with your FI, but I think his reasons for wanting you to change your name make a big difference in how you deal with the situation, what compromises you consider, etc.

For instance, if it's very important to him that he, you, and your children all have the same name, would he consider all of you adopting a hyphenated name, or both of you changing your name to a blend of your two names? (E.g. your last name is roetman (I assume from your username?), his is hanson; both of you change your last names to "roetson") I've known a couple of couples who did this and it worked out really well for them. Or, would he consider changing his name to yours?

If his issue is about the tradition, I think that requires a different response, because I think it's always really important to avoid tradition for tradition's sake- you should never do something you don't want to do just because it's tradition. And that rationale is when you start looking for the control issues some PPs have pointed out.

My personal deal- I HATE the idea of changing my name. I mean, honestly, I mostly just don't like it because I think it's kinda sexist, but I'm also in the same boat as you where I would be changing a unique name that I love to a very common name. So I'm not doing it. FI is cool with that- his big thing is that he have the same name as his kids; that's what's really important to him. I'm perfectly okay with our future kids taking his last name, so that's the compromise we reached.

MyNameIsNot · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_dealing-changing-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:6031000a-d950-49b2-b41e-b676dec5fbe9Post:8290054d-0067-438c-980e-84bb907f8acb">Re: Dealing with Changing your Name</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not changing my name. FI is perfectly happy with whatever I choose to do. <strong>Honestly, if he'd been hell bent on my taking his name, we probably wouldn't be getting married.</strong> It's important to discuss with him why he feels so strongly about it, and why you have reservations about it. If you can't discuss this stuff, then maybe you aren't ready for marriage. Ultimately, it's your name, and your decision, not his or anyone else's. You don't have to change it.
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I wouldn't marry a man who thought that he got to make such an important decision for me.</div><div>
</div><div>If you don't want to change your name, don't do it. This is your decision, not his. Ask him how he would feel if you told him he had to change his name. </div>

entropicbeauty · January 2012

I do not intend to change my last name. My FI has no problem with this because his mother never changed her last name.

If we ever have children we'll have the discussion of last names when we need to - I imagine the kids would either have hypenated last names or we could do what his mother did (his middle name is his mother's maiden name).

I am very much attached to my name the way it is, I HAVE built a professional career using my name and I don't think my name would sound right to me if I switched to FI's last name.

littleshrink · January 2012

Whatever decision you make - stick with it. I work in the financial world and we have several female clients that have used their name/names multiple ways. Maiden, married, both and it gets really hard to get business done when you have all these different names out there. Things take so much longer when you have to explain WHO you are!

I've debated about this as well. I will ultimately take my future husband's name out of respect to our marriage together. That is a personal decision. And maybe if I didn't have a 20 letter maiden name I might use them both! Have a honest conversation with your FI and both of you will feel better about your ultimate decision.

Jashley05 · January 2012

I went back on forth on this issue too. My husband liked the idea of me taking his last name, but in the end it was up to me. Even when I walked into the Social Security office, I wasn't sure what I was going to do!

With that said, it is important to get his reasoning, but in the end it is your decision. I ended up going the route of dropping my middle name and replacing it with my maiden name, then taking his last name. It was a personal decision, but whatever you decide, make sure it is right for you!

9crimes · January 2012

I understand where you're comming from. I don't want to change my last name as well. I love it, it has a lot of history to it. Plus, I'm from Belgium where I've never heard of any bride changing her last name. It's not done over there. Which makes it a bit more difficult. On top of that, I've left all my family behind and I feel like my last name is that what's keeping me connected to them. There are many reasons why you wouldn't want to change your last name and I think in the end, as long as you marry him and live happily ever after, it shouldn't matter what your last name is

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_dealing-changing-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:6031000a-d950-49b2-b41e-b676dec5fbe9Post:bc762de7-f369-4017-a4b8-46b6775ef3fb">Re: Dealing with Changing your Name</a>:
[QUOTE]I wasn't sure where to look for advice on this issue, but it looks like this thread might be the place. I have always planned on taking my fiance's last name. But just recently, he asked his stepfather to formally adopt him, and he will have a hyphenated last name. I don't know if I want to take the hyphenated last name...people will think the first part of it is my maiden name. My fiance is okay with whatever I decide to do, but I'm afraid it will hurt his feelings or his family's feelings if I don't take the hyphenated name. Any suggestions?
Posted by hollyb78[/QUOTE]

Honestly, as a man who had to make the tough decision to change his last name as an adult, I think he'll understand how hard it is to decide, and/or to do it. I don't think he'd fault you for keeping your last name.

sroetman · May 2012

Thank you for all of the advice!!! Yes, the FI and I will be talking this one out. I'm fine with our kids having his last name. On the flip side I can see where that could get confusing too if husband and kids have one last name and I have another. I like the comment someone said about "think of it as gaining a family". My only thing is that he has his real dad's last name and his mother has remarried. FI doesn't have a close relationship with the real dad's father's family. I know that some believe that taking the man's name is tradition and it goes against the sacredness of marriage, but as it's been said there are many many women who don't change their name anymore. I like the idea of socially being Sarah Hanson, but legally and professionally keeping my maiden name.

Again, thanks for all of the input. It really helps and some posts really help to put some things into perspective.

Dealing with Changing your Name

Re: Dealing with Changing your Name

Choose Another Board

Search Boards