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Bothered by Bachelor Party

LGrunnerLGrunner member
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in Pre-wedding Parties
Hi all,

So my fiance came home last night from his bachelor party and everything went more or less as expected. They didn't go to a strip club but were out at a casino and drinking. I had been told there was a shirt he would be wearing with a list of things he was supposed to try to get done... but of course no one would tell me what was on the list. After talking to my fiance (who WAS, to his credit, being upfront about telling me all the things on the shirt), I found it online: http://www.zazzle.com/bachelor_party_groom_tshirt-235441754707534380

Now, I realize there is nothing super scandalous on there but he did do a lot of the things and it bothers me a bit. I don't want to be the "uncool" controlling fiance, and obviously it's already past so I can't do anything about it... but I really don't agree with this idea that because it's the bachelor party, this type of behavior is allowed. Obviously no one would do these things normally so why because it's labeled a "bachelor party" should it be permissible? I realize it's "tradition" and so guys think it's just what they should do but it's so dumb.  I don't want to be mad at him or make him feel bad because he was being honest in telling me everything that happened but it does bother me.

What do you guys think? I realize I probably can't do anything now other than talk to him more about it but I just wanted to get some input and see what people think.  

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Re: Bothered by Bachelor Party

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    CassieeKCassieeK
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    edited December 2011
    I don't think you're over reacting. There are a few things on the list that would really piss me off if my fiance did. 
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    Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    There are things on there that would bother me. I told my MOH who planned my party that I didn't want any of those games where I had to go up to guys in bars b/c I didn't feel comfortable doing that. At least he was honest with you about it, but I would talk about it and express your feelings to him. It's done and over with, and I personally wouldn't think it's a relationship-ending thing (only you can decide), but I would definitely let him know why it bothered me and that doing this stuff in the future isn't OK with you.


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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bothered-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e051b0b4-8fa9-4f75-9187-3526152c0a04Post:9560193a-5a24-4090-9a46-7ec7641bf86a">Bothered by Bachelor Party</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi all, So my fiance came home last night from his bachelor party and everything went more or less as expected. They didn't go to a strip club but were out at a casino and drinking. I had been told there was a shirt he would be wearing with a list of things he was supposed to try to get done... but of course no one would tell me what was on the list. After talking to my fiance (who WAS, to his credit, being upfront about telling me all the things on the shirt), I found it online:  <a href="http://www.zazzle.com/bachelor_party_groom_tshirt-235441754707534380" rel="nofollow">http://www.zazzle.com/bachelor_party_groom_tshirt-235441754707534380</a> Now, I realize there is nothing super scandalous on there but he did do a lot of the things and it bothers me a bit. I don't want to be the "uncool" controlling fiance, and obviously it's already past so I can't do anything about it... but I really don't agree with this idea that because it's the bachelor party, this type of behavior is allowed. Obviously no one would do these things normally so why because it's labeled a "bachelor party" should it be permissible? I realize it's "tradition" and so guys think it's just what they should do but it's so dumb.  I don't want to be mad at him or make him feel bad because he was being honest in telling me everything that happened but it does bother me. What do you guys think? I realize I probably can't do anything now other than talk to him more about it but I just wanted to get some input and see what people think.  
    Posted by LGrunner[/QUOTE]

    Do you know that he actually did all those things on the list or are you just assuming he did because he wore the shirt?

    Being the groom-to-be at a bachelor party isn't a free pass to cheat on your fiance. You might not be married legally, but there is still a moral commitment there. So if he actually did some of those things, yeah I'd be pissed. But if he just wore the shirt just to wear it, then I don't see a problem.
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    jerseydeviljerseydevil member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It's awesome that he was honest with you about it, but I would just respond by expressing my feelings and let it go.

    Bachelor parties, IMO, are excuses for all the other guys to go out without their wives or gfs and have a wild time.

    If you trust your fiance, then it's not worth worrying about any more. And, hey, he was honest and they didn't go to a strip club!
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    janicejabjanicejab
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
      Some of those things would p!ss me off. I understand my FI will go to a strip club. He knows I don't like it, but I understand. It's also the strippers job to get naked in front of strangers and it's a no-no to touch or kiss them. To me, it's different if some woman off the street shows him her lady parts (although I'm guessing anyone who would do that is probably really trashy and not his type). I also would be pissed if he kissed another woman on the lips. We have a rule that we don't do things that would upset us if the other did it. Kissing someone else falls into that category.
      Luckily, your FI was up front about what was going on, so I think even if he did some questionable things, he's still trustworthy. It sucks to think about him doing those things with other women, but it may have been a different situation than what you'd imagine. I know my FI's friends would find some of the skankiest women to do those things (honestly, who else would actually do some of that stuff?) so it would be more of a joke than a sexual thing.
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    mandi921vhmandi921vh member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I wonder how your FI would feel if you did the things on there with other guys?
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    hmcchesneyhmcchesney
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    uum...I don't care if he told me or not...this would make me a bit mad.

    Are you sure he didn't just go up to girls and ask them to sign his shirt. That's what I would have done in that situations at least.
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    blush64blush64 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would call off my wedding if my FI did this.

    I don't care at all about being cool. My FI is aware of how I feel and he feels the same.  Trust shouldn't be used to justify everything. I trust my FI beyond anything and I still would not want him asking girls to flash him. (in fact, I trust him NOT to ask girls to flash him)  Trust can't be used to justify disrespect.

    We have talked about things like this and we are on the same page. If he did any of that knowing how I feel I would not be marrying him.

    Talk to him, maybe he didn't really do them.  And if so, he may not have fully thought of how it would make you feel. The fact he told you does say a lot.

    Talk to him, work through it. Did he know how you would feel?
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    xjayxmeexxjayxmeex member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bothered-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e051b0b4-8fa9-4f75-9187-3526152c0a04Post:a70bd3b1-f40c-49db-8733-78df2570eb97">Re: Bothered by Bachelor Party</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wonder how your FI would feel if you did the things on there with other guys?
    Posted by mandi921vh[/QUOTE]

    <div>completely agree...</div><div>
    </div><div>i think 100% of those things would piss me off!</div>
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    xjayxmeexxjayxmeex member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bothered-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e051b0b4-8fa9-4f75-9187-3526152c0a04Post:5ba5006f-6eb1-460f-b1a6-3858e0cc62ee">Re: Bothered by Bachelor Party</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would call off my wedding if my FI did this. I don't care at all about being cool. My FI is aware of how I feel and he feels the same.  Trust shouldn't be used to justify everything. I trust my FI beyond anything and I still would not want him asking girls to flash him. <strong>(in fact, I trust him NOT to ask girls to flash him)  Trust can't be used to justify disrespect. </strong>We have talked about things like this and we are on the same page. If he did any of that knowing how I feel I would not be marrying him. Talk to him, maybe he didn't really do them.  And if so, he may not have fully thought of how it would make you feel. The fact he told you does say a lot. Talk to him, work through it. Did he know how you would feel?
    Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]

    <div>well said!</div>
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    CD2011CD2011 member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bothered-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:e051b0b4-8fa9-4f75-9187-3526152c0a04Post:a70bd3b1-f40c-49db-8733-78df2570eb97">Re: Bothered by Bachelor Party</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wonder how your FI would feel if you did the things on there with other guys?
    Posted by mandi921vh[/QUOTE]

    Thats basically what I said to my FI. He thinks some of my friends are slutty, and so I said ok, you go do A B & C, and I'll go out with these girls and do X, Y, and Z. How would you feel? He instantly shut up :)

    I think most people, even if they say they wouldn't be, would really be pissed at some of those things.  I also agree that if it's NOT ok to do something normally, it shouldn't be ok now (it's even LESS ok since he's almost married!) At the same time you do need to trust him and his judgement. Get rid of the shirt and just wipe it under the bridge and think about your wedding and everything to come after <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />
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    rachelalexsmithrachelalexsmith
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    edited December 2011
    Woah! That shirt is pretty vulgar.

    I can imagine my FI's groomsmen loving this shirt and making him wear it, but I could not, even after a million shots of tequila, see my FI actually approaching a girl to seriously ask to do some of those things.

    I'd be more grossed out than pissed off, but that's just me. And it wouldn't be a deal breaker because well, it just wouldn't. For all you know, he could have just asked girls to sign his shirt and get a little attention. Because really, if they weren't at a strip club, wouldn't most of the items on this list count as indecent exposure?

    And if some guy approached me asking for one of these, bachelor party or not, he would have a nice cold drink in his lap and a slap to the face!


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    juma1111juma1111
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    edited December 2011
    I'm with you guys. I would be really pissed off with my FI if he did the things on that shirt.
    None of his groomsmen are responsable men, especially when they are drinking despite the fact that most of them are married with kids. And that is the reason that he is not having a bachelor party. Of course, to be fair, I'm not having a bachelorette party either. I'd be really upset to find out he did those things on that shirt, bachelor party or not.
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    utegogglesutegoggles member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bothered-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e051b0b4-8fa9-4f75-9187-3526152c0a04Post:fc3324ca-d954-44b0-8e53-22711eb8b218">Re: Bothered by Bachelor Party</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think you're over reacting. There are a few things on the list that would really piss me off if my fiance did. 
    Posted by CassieeK[/QUOTE]

    Exactly.. There's no way I'd be ok with most, if not all, of these things..
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    BthorBthor
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bothered-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e051b0b4-8fa9-4f75-9187-3526152c0a04Post:4b9a2719-c775-41e4-a15e-d9db63bdd138">Re: Bothered by Bachelor Party</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's awesome that he was honest with you about it, but I would just respond by expressing my feelings and let it go. Bachelor parties, IMO, are excuses for all the other guys to go out without their wives or gfs and have a wild time. If you trust your fiance, then it's not worth worrying about any more. And, hey, he was honest and they didn't go to a strip club!
    Posted by jerseydevil[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>This is how I feel- I'm going against most of you on this one and admit that I wouldn't be thirlled but it certainly wouldn't be a "deal breaker" as one of you has said. </div><div>
    </div><div>I feel like half the time at bachelor parties the bachelor is more so trying to impress his rowdy friends, my bf just went to a bachelor party in Vegas where they rented strippers galore- sure, he had a good time but in reality he hates strippers, but still had lap dances because "all the other guys were doing it" to say. </div><div>
    </div><div>I actually just told my bf this past weekend that I don't get bachelor parties since they are supposed to be a "last night of freedom" since they don't actually get to be "free" Not that I want my bf to be cheating on me but a peck on the lips during his bachelor party & was honest with me about it? Meh, it happend, look past it. </div>
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    BthorBthor
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bothered-bachelor-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:e051b0b4-8fa9-4f75-9187-3526152c0a04Post:2aa7a898-9724-4247-a11e-6d2b566b2e33">Re: Bothered by Bachelor Party</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm with you guys. I would be really pissed off with my FI if he did the things on that shirt. None of his groomsmen are responsable men, especially when they are drinking despite the fact that most of them are married with kids. And that is the reason that he is not having a bachelor party. Of course, to be fair, I'm not having a bachelorette party either. I'd be really upset to find out he did those things on that shirt, bachelor party or not.
    Posted by juma1111[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I'm sorry but this I find ridiculous. </div><div>
    </div><div>My BF's friends are FARRR from responsible, and usually boarder line blacked out, they're in the early 20's what do you expect? But I know they all respect me and I think they deserve to have a big guys night before one gets married. 

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    mjacobi1mjacobi1 member
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    edited December 2011
    Come on you guys, we deserve better than this. 
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    caseyhaynes429caseyhaynes429
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    edited December 2011
    I would be completely pissed.. you're definitely not overreacting
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    ginadogginadog member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would be upset too.  That shirt is vulgar.

    Is this something out of the norm for him?  Did he just let loose for a day?  Or was this right up his alley?
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    LGrunnerLGrunner member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone for your input and feedback!! There have been a lot of great points made and a lot of people thinking similarly to me. 

    It's definitely not a deal-breaker for us, like a lot of you have mentioned. And we had a few long talks about it so I'm feeling a lot better. Not only was he honest about it initially, but he did really take the time to understand where I was coming from and let me express my feelings. Part of the miscommunication came from the fact that he knew I was okay with him going to a strip club (which I was) and so he felt that this was more innocent because he was actually seeing less. Obviously, like janicejab and some of you pointed out, to me it seemed seedier to have him going up to strangers than watching professionals, but I do recognize where he was coming from. 

    This is definitely not typical behavior for him and he didn't do everything on the shirt (the worst that he did, in my opinion, was grabbing a girl's butt). Additionally, it made me feel better to know that he and his friends were not "targeting" specific women and asking them to do certain things, but he would just approach them and say "If you're willing to help me out and do any of these things, that'd be great" and let them choose what, if any, they wanted to do. I think it was more his objective to prove his friends wrong (who, of course, doubted that he'd get more than a few on the shirt... guys, eye roll) than to get some sexual pleasure. 

    Our wedding at this point is only a couple weeks away so we've refocused on the excitement ahead and are looking forward to our big day! Thank you again for all your support! You guys are all great!!  
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