23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ

MrKingsQueen · September 2012

So, I will try to make this LOOOOG story short. My fiance and I have been together since 1999. We got together under less than desirable circumstances...by this I mean he was married and I was engaged. Both of having children with our partners at the time. Before you hate me, please know, if I could go back I would not have done that but I was all but 21 years old. Having been in an abusive relationship with the same man since I was 11 and having a child at 16, I suppose I made some really bad choices then. This choice however brought me to my fiance now. He was married and told me he was getting a divorce. After a few years of him lying to me and his wife, I left him. He decided at that time to be with me and that is how it's been ever since 2003. We moved in together and in the meantime he didn't file for divorce. We fought about this because I never felt I could move on. I didn't actually feel the desire to marry him until about 2009. Finally my fiance got off his ass and filed for divorce on 3/19/2010. This divorce was to be final 9/19/2010. In December 2010, he proposed to me, I said YES! Now, fast forward to today....I have been telling this man that he needs to go to the court house to make sure the divorce was final and get the papers so we can get our marriage license. We are 23 days away from our wedding today and he went a week ago today only to find out, HE IS NOT DIVORCED AND IT WILL NOT BE FINAL UNTIL 3/2013!!!

Needless to say I was PISSED! I threatened to not go through with it and leave him. On top of that, I planned this whole wedding for almost 2 years, by myself! Now I have to somehow go through with it when I know it's not real and a few select friends and family know. I am just devastated over this and am not sure I can go through with it. I am so angry and hurt and disappointed. Our plan is to have the ceremony and reception as planned on 10/13/12 and to actually be married legally in March 2013 when his divorce is finally FINAL.

I really need some advice....WHAT WOULD YOU DO??? WALK DOWN THE AISLE OR WALK AWAY??

Viczaesar · September 2012

CMGr is right. RUN, not walk away.

sparkles776 · September 2012

run! completely agree with other posters.

NcsuPsych · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_23-days-away-from-wedding-and-i-might-walk-awaylooong-read?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b79a3275-6be2-4c6e-9223-6bd6d58d4b47Post:77ba84e2-a753-48f2-a01b-770c48d95d21">23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I will try to make this LOOOOG story short. My fiance and I have been together since 1999. We got together under less than desirable circumstances...by this I mean he was married and I was engaged. Both of having children with our partners at the time. Before you hate me, please know, if I could go back I would not have done that but I was all but 21 years old. Having been in an abusive relationship with the same man since I was 11 and having a child at 16, I suppose I made some really bad choices then. This choice however brought me to my fiance now. He was married and told me he was getting a divorce. After a few years of him lying to me and his wife, I left him. He decided at that time to be with me and that is how it's been ever since 2003. We moved in together and in the meantime he didn't file for divorce. We fought about this because I never felt I could move on. I didn't actually feel the desire to marry him until about 2009. Finally my fiance got off his ass and filed for divorce on 3/19/2010. This divorce was to be final 9/19/2010. In December 2010, he proposed to me, I said YES! Now, fast forward to today....I have been telling this man that he needs to go to the court house to make sure the divorce was final and get the papers so we can get our marriage license. We are 23 days away from our wedding today and he went a week ago today only to find out, HE IS NOT DIVORCED AND IT WILL NOT BE FINAL UNTIL 3/2013!!! Needless to say I was PISSED! I threatened to not go through with it and leave him. On top of that, I planned this whole wedding for almost 2 years, by myself! Now I have to somehow go through with it when I know it's not real and a few select friends and family know. I am just devastated over this and am not sure I can go through with it. I am so angry and hurt and disappointed. Our plan is to have the ceremony and reception as planned on 10/13/12 and to actually be married legally in March 2013 when his divorce is finally FINAL. I really need some advice....WHAT WOULD YOU DO??? WALK DOWN THE AISLE OR WALK AWAY??
Posted by MrKingsQueen[/QUOTE]

Run. Run as fast as you freaking can! This man has lied to you throughout your ENTIRE relationship. What on earth makes you think he's gonna change when you get 'married'? Even that 'marriage' wont even be real because he can't marry two women. Not to mention that his ex, or well, soon to be ex, could take him for all hes worth and might even come after you as well (I'm not sure that she could actually do that, but she might try).

Do NOT marry that man! You're worth so much more!

RamonaFlowers · September 2012

I can't even believe that you'd consider any other option besides running and never looking back. There is nothing remotely acceptable about any of this.

cwaggoner07 · September 2012

I don't subscribe to the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' idea of thinking, because I do believe people are capable of slipping up, and then changing for the better.
I however, do NOT think this is the case here. He clearly has not changed since his first bout with infidelity - he will have the same regard toward you.

So yes, RUN. You will regret it so much if you do not get out now.

mrsbiss2be · September 2012

Run Forest Run!!

[Deleted User] · September 2012

Just to jump on the bandwagon with everyone else....RUUUUN FAST and FAR AWAY!

It may hurt and trust me...I've been where someone tells you all sorts of lies and you believe them because you want to and you think just maybe you'll be the exception...everything will work out. But it doesn't and you end up broken. Even more so than now.

Everything about this relationship waves red flags. You deserve more and are worth more than this.

RUN.

mandi195 · September 2012

Gah.. run... fast.
If you don't run, consider this... his divorce will be final in 03/2013... most states require that you cannot remarry for anywhere from 3-6 months, sometimes 12, after the divorce is final... so you're looking at a fake ceremony next month, big party, and then won't be able to legally marry, depending on state, for at least another 6 months to a year after your "wedding"... what if he says no AFTER you've already had the "fake" wedding ceremony and reception... ? Everyone will think you're married, and then you're stuck with a guy that couldn't manager to get divorced over YEARS!?!
What I want to know is how he "didn't know" he wasn't divorced? I mean, the last day in court, when it's finalized, the judge says flat out, the divorce is final as of this day, and you have to sign paperwork... so... lies, lady. All lies.
If, in fact, he is that ignorant that he really had NO IDEA he was still not divorced... I mean... really, is that someone you want to be with forever? I feel for you, lady. Love is a powerful thing, but this guy seems to be manipulative and dishonest, at the bare minimum, and EVERY woman deserves better than that.

MairePoppy · September 2012

Look at those dates, please. You have been living with a man who has been legally married to someone else for 9 years. Are you sure that he actually filed for a divorce - ever? It seems like he is buying himself 6 months at a time. The man is a would be bigamist. Please don't go through with the sham wedding.

Throw him out and move on with your life.

achiduck · September 2012

Pack your things and get out. Today.

MyUserName1 · September 2012

Is your location correct? If so, he is FULL OF SCHITT. A divorce in Reno takes about a week. It does NOT take six months for a divorce in Nevada. Nevada is FAMOUS for quickie divorces.

He's lying to you, in so many, many ways.

HisLobster83 · September 2012

You mentioned you have a child. Would you want your son to treat a woman this way? How would you feel if your daughter was in your shoes?

Get out. Get out NOW!

kmmssg · September 2012

Run away as fast as you can and don't look back. He has been lying to you for years and has never made you #1 in his life. Why would he start now? Run!!!

Tabbie11 · September 2012

I am so sorry you have had this experience, but as others suggest I think you deserve much more and should run. I know that can be tough to judge by a two paragraph summery but if you are already angry and unhappy it's not worth it. We all make bad decisions in life, but we are meant to learn and grow from them and he apparently didnt. Turn your back and never look back.

samantha24p · September 2012

Oh please run!

artbyallie · September 2012

I really can't believe there's even a question here. You need some major therapy to find out why you've stayed with such a lying liarface for so freaking long. DTMFA.

I mean, seriously. You have been his Other Woman for 10+ years. He's not going to divorce, because why should he? He's getting what he wants already. And even if he did divorce, what makes you think there won't be another OW for him to cheat with after all the lies he's told you already? Hell, I bet he's got another woman or three on the side RIGHT NOW. You should probably get tested.

MairePoppy · September 2012

allie - I was thinking the same thing. I wonder how many women this man is stringing along.

reppunzel · September 2012

OP, I am so so so so sorry, but:

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_23-days-away-from-wedding-and-i-might-walk-awaylooong-read?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b79a3275-6be2-4c6e-9223-6bd6d58d4b47Post:6854fabe-aabb-45b8-8b30-1960d8fa4dc4">Re: 23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ</a>:
[QUOTE]RUN!!! Run away as fast as you can and don't look back! The loss of money for your trashed wedding plans is nothing compared to the misery of being married to a cheating, lying, untrustworthy man. RUN!!!!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

I could not have said it better. You have been through a lot at the hands of manipulative, lying men, but <em>please know</em> that you are worth so much better! I know that it's hard to believe when you have a traumatic history, but at least <em>consider</em> believing that you deserve a man who does <strong>not</strong> abuse you, who does <strong>not</strong> lie to you repeatedly, and who <strong>loves</strong> you in his actions as well as his words!

Again, I am so sorry, and I can't imagine what you're going through, but please RUN from this guy for your sake and for the sake of your child and find a good counselor to help both of you.

zantster · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_23-days-away-from-wedding-and-i-might-walk-awaylooong-read?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b79a3275-6be2-4c6e-9223-6bd6d58d4b47Post:61bf144e-a2f0-4312-960f-b6603c5ced68">Re: 23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ</a>:
[QUOTE]Look at those dates, please. You have been living with a man who has been legally married to someone else for 9 years. Are you sure that he actually filed for a divorce - ever? It seems like he is buying himself 6 months at a time. The man is a would be bigamist. Please don't go through with the sham wedding. Throw him out and move on with your life.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

THIS!!! A thousand times this. You have two options, deal with unavoidable pain and regret now by leaving or later. But if you wait, that will hurt much more because you will not be able to plead ignorance. If you choose to leave right away, you do not have to tell him anything. Just get your stuff and your child and leave. If it makes it easier, he doesn't even have to be around when you do it. Grab a moving truck while he's at work or something and get out and change your number. The best way is to cut all ties and do not have any contact. Talking to him or trying to reason with him is guaranteed to prolong things more and give him a chance to weasel back because he knows just what to say to you to keep you hanging on.

MyNameIsNot · September 2012

You need to get away from this man. He is lying to you and has absolutely no respect for you. Do not even think about going through with any kind of wedding or marriage with this guy, real or fake.

More importantly, you need to start seeing a counselor. You've been in bad relationships since you were 11, and it sounds like you are now in your 30's. The first was abusive, and the second is manipulative and decietful. It sounds like you need to work on some issues and figure out why it is that you don't think you deserve a real partner. You owe it to yourself and to your kids to do this.

[Deleted User] · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_23-days-away-from-wedding-and-i-might-walk-awaylooong-read?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b79a3275-6be2-4c6e-9223-6bd6d58d4b47Post:461806a2-d435-435a-a173-ce8a7c26dd25">Re: 23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ</a>:
[QUOTE]Gah.. run... fast. If you don't run, consider this... his divorce will be final in 03/2013... most states require that you cannot remarry for anywhere from 3-6 months, sometimes 12, after the divorce is final... so you're looking at a fake ceremony next month, big party, and then won't be able to legally marry, depending on state, for at least another 6 months to a year after your "wedding"... what if he says no AFTER you've already had the "fake" wedding ceremony and reception... ? Everyone will think you're married, and then you're stuck with a guy that couldn't manager to get divorced over YEARS!?! What I want to know is how he "didn't know" he wasn't divorced? I mean, the last day in court, when it's finalized, the judge says flat out, the divorce is final as of this day, and you have to sign paperwork... so... lies, lady. All lies. If, in fact, he is that ignorant that he really had NO IDEA he was still not divorced... I mean... really, is that someone you want to be with forever? I feel for you, lady. Love is a powerful thing, but this guy seems to be manipulative and dishonest, at the bare minimum, and EVERY woman deserves better than that.
Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]

THIS X1MILLION = the correct answer to your question. you and your family deserve so much better than this. Please, make sure to go to some form of counceling so you will better be able to sniff out the jerks like this. *hugs*

ootmother2 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_23-days-away-from-wedding-and-i-might-walk-awaylooong-read?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:b79a3275-6be2-4c6e-9223-6bd6d58d4b47Post:f3d5e948-cd7e-4ecb-90cc-056dfb94d528">Re: 23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to 23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ : Run. Run as fast as you freaking can! This man has lied to you throughout your ENTIRE relationship. What on earth makes you think he's gonna change when you get 'married'? Even that 'marriage' wont even be real because he can't marry two women. Not to mention that his ex, or well, soon to be ex, could take him for all hes worth and might even come after you as well (I'm not sure that she could actually do that, but she might try). Do NOT marry that man! You're worth so much more!
Posted by NcsuPsych[/QUOTE]

and don't even look back!

ootmother2 · September 2012

SINCE YOU WERE ELEVEN YEARS OLD??

Dear God

T&B11913 · September 2012

I am heart broken for you, but you know the answer here. If you need affirmation that your doing the right thing, you got it. Tell him (or anybody who EVER treats you this way) to shove it and move on! You'll feel better about yourself after and then you'll be able to find someone who is worth your time and love. This man is obviously not it. GL.

sierraberry32 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_23-days-away-from-wedding-and-i-might-walk-awaylooong-read?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b79a3275-6be2-4c6e-9223-6bd6d58d4b47Post:f3d5e948-cd7e-4ecb-90cc-056dfb94d528">Re: 23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to 23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ : Run. Run as fast as you freaking can! This man has lied to you throughout your ENTIRE relationship. What on earth makes you think he's gonna change when you get 'married'? Even that 'marriage' wont even be real because he can't marry two women. Not to mention that his ex, or well, soon to be ex, could take him for all hes worth and might even come after you as well (I'm not sure that she could actually do that, but she might try). Do NOT marry that man! You're worth so much more!
Posted by NcsuPsych[/QUOTE]

True words right here! If he lied to you then, what makes you think he will change later?

theeburrells · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_23-days-away-from-wedding-and-i-might-walk-awaylooong-read?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b79a3275-6be2-4c6e-9223-6bd6d58d4b47Post:c8c0cb31-0357-4a4e-8a15-8e22c8461988">Re: 23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ : True words right here! If he lied to you then, what makes you think he will change later?
Posted by sierraberry32[/QUOTE]

<div>All of these ladies are right! YOU should NOT MARRY HIMM!!!!!!!!!! He has lied over and over again, and you do not deserve that!</div>

MyUserName1 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_23-days-away-from-wedding-and-i-might-walk-awaylooong-read?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:b79a3275-6be2-4c6e-9223-6bd6d58d4b47Post:3b92ec4f-7a6e-4ce1-874f-5e3bf6b2bd17">Re: 23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ</a>:
[QUOTE]Get out before you lose more than you already have. P.S. I don't think you can get divorced in Reno in a week. I believe you must establish Nevada residency, and that means you have to have lived in Nevada for at least six weeks.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Her location says she's in Reno</div>

RailWayWife · September 2012

You need to ask yourself "Why didnt he want to file for divorce asap? Why has he still not done it when he told you he did? Why was he not all over that when he asked you to marry him??!??"

RED FLAGS!!

MoxieMickie · September 2012

Don't confront him, don't give him a chance to "explain" himself, just leave.
There is a future for you with someone who respects you and can't wait to marry you. It does not include this man.

23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ

Re: 23 days away from wedding and I might walk away...LOOONG READ

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