this is the code for the render ad
Community› Cultural Wedding Boards› African American Weddings
African American Weddings
New Discussion

Am I a crybaby? (long, sorry)

StephB1185StephB1185 member
100 Comments
in African American Weddings
Alright, so my BF left yesterday for Montana - and I am again grateful for all of your encouraging words!!
But this post is about his mom. (eek)
About 10 minutes after saying goodbye at the gate (the nice ticket counter lady gave me a ticket to go through security and say by at the gate!) my BFs mom texted me and said "R U cryin" -- and in the middle of my waterfilled eyes I was taken aback but responded with a simple "yes..I am".  And her response was "Aww, now i know how i feel. cry baby"
WHA?!?
So, I didn't respond and just stared for a second at the unexpected response from a grown woman.
Some "background": my BF was raised by his single mother and they've been close his whole life.  He calls his mother and grandma (or they call first sometimes) almost every day (which I found endearing at first, sometimes I find calling his mother at least once a day a little annoying honestly).  My BF is 24 years old and their bond is awesome, but she will not let go.  BFs grandma says that mom is just "going through the changes" - but I've been around for 3 years and she still acts like I'm a fling and that we're not old enough to be in a serious relationship. My BF has an 8 year old brother, so he's not her only child, but she comes across almost possessive of him.  I moved away for college, 6 hours from my parents, and my mom and I are GREAT friends now but we don't talk EVERY day, so maybe I just don't understand but it seems like it's becoming time for him to cut the cord.  His mother is also a very sarcastic woman, but never actually tells you she's kidding and when she says 'off' things to me I've always felt like she means it, even just a little bit.
ANYWAYS, is it okay for me to express the fact that I'm a little upset (saddened, confused, irritated) about his mom's comment to me and to ask him to talk to her about it?  Or, am I just being a cry baby and a possessive GF?  Please understand, I love that they've got a great relationship - he's a God fearing man that respects his mother and that's AMAZING - but, is it wrong to think there should be a point in a man's life where he is able to distance himself just a little bit?
Last example - After his football game last weekend, I hugged him (after her) and she said "get off him"! Like we were 16 or something.

Maybe I'm just venting, but what do you think? Be honest, if I'm the cry baby, I want to know.
"Diversity is the key to life, without it we would be a mindless drone of a single colored spectrum."
Report Reply to Post

Re: Am I a crybaby? (long, sorry)

  • sdstephens2010sdstephens2010
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Umm..his mom needs to step aside and allow him to be a man and you to be his wife. The bible even tells us that we should leave our family and cleve to our spouses. Have you guys been to marriage counseling?

    Report Reply
  • ishpishishpish
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You should def talk to him about it, and then if you feel the need talk to her WITH him. I think its important to have a good relationship with the parents of your SI, but she is obviously the type to interfere in the future. Also, how does your BF portray you to his mother, how does he speak about you to her, not to get too personal, but make sure he  lets his mom know how serious he is about you...for example if you guys are engaged call each other "fiance(e)" instead of BF/GF.

    i hope this all works out, and it seems you know prayer works, even the hardest of hearts will soften because of prayer.  Good luck to you!
    Report Reply
  • ladylumladylum member
    500 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited December 2011

    No you are not a crybaby. My son is only 7 years old but I too am possessive of him and baby him but I want him to grow up to be independent and his own life. I'm so thankful for my FI in pointing this out to me and helping me with the transition. It sounds like FI's mom never made that transition and you and FI need to nip it in the bud now!


    PPs are right as well. Husband and wife are supposed to be closer than family and when you guys are traveling for his job to games, you will be his support system. Mom WILL interfere in the future and think she has a right to. Time to let her know you are appreciative of the man she raised but stress he is a man and you will take care of him too.

    Report Reply
  • StephB1185StephB1185 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you ladies.  As you can tell, I was stewing last night.  We are not engaged YET, but the ring has been decided upon and we've chosen wedding colors and discussed dates - so, it's in the works. A few months ago he actually did stand up and say to her 'I am going to get married' and they had a VERY long discussion in which he was really heated and it got a little loud (and I've NEVER seen him get even a little upset, just not his nature).  He told her that even though she never married, and that was okay, that marriage was something he always wanted and he wanted to follow the bible on the topic.
    At the same time, he still barely shows 'normal' affection around her.  He'll hug me maybe a little - definitely will not kiss me.  I've thought maybe it's because he never really saw his mom kiss anyone and he thinks its strange - me on the other hand, my parents kissed in front of me all the time, it's normal to me to show affection.  We've talked about it and he knows I think it's silly, but it hasn't changed (we don't see her THAT often because she's 3 hours away).
    Of course, now I'm afraid to bring this big topic up with him because he is 21 hours away - and communication seems so much more difficult on the phone..but I will keep you updated! 
    Keep the advice coming and thank you SOOO much!!
    "Diversity is the key to life, without it we would be a mindless drone of a single colored spectrum."
    Report Reply
  • MAGNUM06MAGNUM06
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Hello Crybaby Cry:  No... you are NOT A CRYBABY!!!! You are and were just being sensitive to the situation... Your BF is going to be away for a significant amount of time and you were sad about that.  HOWEVER, it's important in the circumstance that you describe to be clear about what is really going on.  The facts are:  You are the girlfriend... that is your boyfriend....and that is HIS mother and he is HER son.  Everyone needs to be clear on what their roles are and play their positions.  Based on what you have described... this is not an unusual circumstance... it's just uncomfortable for everyone... You essentially will be replacing the only woman he has ever known... his mother and her "man".  It is challenging for her to come to grips with. It's like that for alot of mothers, particularly some single mothers, but it can and has been done.  What you can do is appeal to her sense of womanhood and let her know in whatever way you feel comfortable  that you love and care about BF too and would never do anything to hurt him or come between those two.  You must also be mindful of the information you DON'T KNOW as well as what you know.  I'm sure him and his mother have had conversations, not necessarily about you, but concerning you and his intentions towards you.  This is not a bad thing... but you may not be his mother's choice for her son, for whatever her reasons are, and she may have expressed this to him, which could be one of the reasons why he is uncomfortable displaying affection around his mother.  He loves you, there is no doubt about that, but he loves his mother too and he is in a difficult place.  Be mindful of that... You could ask him to discuss the turn of events with her and step back and see what happens, but with him being 21 hours away.... it might not be the time... With him being so far away and you all just being able to talk...I would keep the conversations light and joyful... It's ok... This situation that you described.. ain't going nowhere... Trust me....   Also, keep in mind.. that you all are just dating... You have stated that there have been discussions... and colors have been chosen... but no ring has been presented and the proposal has not been made... so up until then.. You all are just GIRLFRIEND and BOYFRIEND!!!!!  PLAY YOUR POSITION!!!!  Also, take into consideration you have different backgrounds... you come from a 2 parent household, where your parents openly displayed affection towards one another... that is not his experience...It might be a challenge for him, because he's never seen that and didnt grow up with it... Things take time... It seems silly to you.. but it is what it is..... Things will grow and change in time...but you have to give it that time... Rome wasnt built in a day. You stated that he has expressed that he wants to be married and is excited about the prospect of that in the future...and that he feels that you are the one....  Let that be a comfort to you.  We all know the story regarding leaving and cleaving... but one has to READY to do that..... That's my story and I'm sticking to it... Be encouraged!!! Its all GONNA to work out... Laughing

    Report Reply
  • Stackeye210Stackeye210 member
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    What MAGNUM said - that is VERY wise advice!  Do not force yourself on the situation, or try to change the relationship between a boy and his mother.  If you do that it'll only alienate you more.  The bond as mother and son is forever, to be frank, at this point you're still expendable.  All you can do is be supportive of your BF and be respectful to his mother.  (respectful, not a doormat).  The mother probably sees that she is getting to you, which only fuels the fire.  You need to ignore the comments and laugh them off.  If you do that I bet they'll come fewer and farther in between. 
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards